Tag Archives: Tyrannosaurs

4 Ways that Inappropriate Workplace Relationships Ruined Everything in Jurassic World

Nothing I have read covering Jurassic World seems to really grasp what went wrong in the new theme park. Every reviewer seems to be heckling Owen and Claire (yeah, Chris Pratt and Bryce Howard had character names in JW… I had to look them up)  for being old timey caricatures who belong in 1940’s B-flicks. I get that, but to what extent did they actually contribute to the Jurassic World meltdown itself? In fact, how much did Masrani (Irrfan Khan) and Hoskins (Wiliam Fisk) really contribute?

The thing is, this incompetent gaggle of crudely drawn idiots didn’t directly cause Jurassic World to fail. It is a much more insidious evil construct that we must ultimately accuse.

That’s right, as usual, inappropriate workplace relationships are to blame- the out-out-damned-spot of the corporate world.

1. Learn how to DELEGATE

raptor-Jimmy-Fallon

Oh man, nobody in this movie properly delegates. You can’t delegate your family time to British Fran Drescher. I get that we needed more lame characters to be eaten by dinosaurs for the freaks who love watching dinosaurs and nazis and aliens win stuff in movies, but don’t send the kids off with them. This was a major bullet point of the first movie. Everybody knows that in these movies, if you end up with the kids and you are some sort of unpopular stereotype, you are dino-chow. So send the kids with somebody else, Bryce! The nice guard from Orange is the New Black was right there in the office, and you went with Super-Nanny?

You must delegate your helocoptering to a PILOT if you are CEO of a violent monster ranch, because if you crash and Wilson Fisk takes over everything is fucked. Ugh. If you have a monster ranch and you know that you are in business dealings with the Kingpin, wouldn’t you realize that you must A) stay alive and B) name several successors? Successors who don’t fight Daredevil? And then you go out and fly a whirly bird over the place where you keep your lizard bats? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING IRRFAN?!?!?!

You can’t delegate ironically warning about things to Jimmy Fallon instead of Jeff Goldblum. Jimmy Fallon’s entire job on this planet is to introduce old people to The Roots so that they will be less afraid of black people. He isn’t there to warn about things, he is there to make instrument driven hip-hop acceptable to people who like Ronald Reagan (as an actor). Jeff Goldblum, on the other hand, is able to explain ethically terrifying science while seducing you. He also make goofy guttural noises. Plus, unlike Jimmy Fallon, HE DOESN’T CONSTANTLY LOOK INTO THE CAMERA.

2. Palling around with Dinosaurs

LG4p9WL

In general, you are taking a risk if you hang out with your co-workers beyond the occasional company social outing. There are some exceptions, of course. Some jobs are really only survivable if workers are conditioned together like the human resources equivalent of The Golden Band. Usually, though, you don’t want to be besties with the people who are competing with you for promotions and sales (unless you view yourself as an office Judas type).

In Jurassic World, there was no respect for that divide whatsoever. I’m not just talking about the red-pill nonsense of Chris Pratt and Bryce Howard’s exchange at Chris’s… fishing hut or whatever that place he lived was supposed to be. I’m talking about Chris Pratt and his raptor buddies. He’s the alpha? How did they know how to run in exact time and formation with his goofy dirtbike?

You know they went cruising together. You know he took those lizards out to the freaking tiki bar at least once. You can tell because there is a very specific kind of friendship that bros who go to tiki bars on motorcycles develop.

A bro will have your back, but only if it has been a really rough night and he knows he has to either stick up for you briefly or else everybody dies. That’s tiki bar motorcycle bro commitment right there. But you know how a huge dangerous drunken moron can convince a bunch of bros to do something really stupid if they are already pumped up? Say, pumped from motorcycle show boating? This is exactly what happened in the movie. And it got half of everybody killed by Indomitus Rex, who is the dinosaur equivalent of modern day Screech at a bar, in that I am pretty sure he isn’t real and he will literally knife you.

3. Treating Tyrannosaurus like your neglected best friend from high school

seagrams

We have learned many lessons about T. rex from these movies. T. rex doesn’t want to be fed, it wants to hunt. Don’t try to steal baby T. rex or else mommy T. rex and easily enraged redneck daddy T. rex will come and kill you in your trailer home. The T. rex you can attract with children and pee are not the prime specimen of T. rex and will likely be killed by buff, more conservative apex predators if imprisoned together.

T. rex in these films are a metaphor for people who go too hard in early adulthood. Bryce Howard’s character is a cringe inducing stereotype of a career woman, who stereotypically shed a lot of friends like this in order to pursue her MBA in… Dinosaur Management and Jungle Fashion. Apparently. (It really isn’t a good script.)

So throughout Jurassic World, she’s trying to coddle T. rex, putting them in controlled environments to meet the kids at a safe distance because she KNOWS what happens when you let them babysit (we’re in the car again). That’s a bullshit way to treat your old friends at work, even if they aren’t highly successful professionally because they are gigantic flesh eating monsters (blame the emergence of Seagrams Escapes for that).

Oh, but who still has your back when that nut job stalker won’t leave you and your family alone?

Bryce didn’t even have to say please or remember T. rex’s birthday.

4. Hiring therapods to do critical jobs

no raptors

Don’t hire employees that actively try to kill and eat you. GOD WHY DID I JUST HAVE TO TYPE THAT?

How many times in this movie do the cartoon raptors try to kill a person before the motorcycle scene? Like, 4 times? How many times did you try to commit homicide in front of your future employer?

The attempted murders don’t convince Wilson Fisk that raptors are bad job candidates, though. Oh no, he wants them to be weapons. Indominus rex might even have been bred for the purpose of weapons testing. Wilson Fisk is a nutter in this movie.

Why on Earth would you think you have to breed dinosaurs into scarier, scalier, more dangerous monsters in order to make them effective killers? If anything, Wilson Fisk and BD Wong should have toned them down a little in case the FLESH EATING MONSTERS they are trying to turn into GERMAN SHEPHERDS decide to commit more homicides. Besides, nature already made scarier raptors than Velociraptor with simple trial and error evolution, just like everything else. They turned out way scarier. Remember Balaur? Why don’t these movies have Balaur?

Anyway, that’s not the point, don’t hire things that want to kill and eat you to be your employees. That goes for T. rex, velociraptors, and millennials.

 

Anyway, subscribe or send me letters defending inter-office relations or buy my t-shirt. Those are your choices.

How to Vote like A DinoCon

Conservative Dinosaur Readiness is a complex, multifaceted collection of beliefs and totally realistic, temperate fears. Our movement is also severely underrepresented in mainstream politics. So how does one vote in the present political landscape in order to best assert (what I am now calling) DinoCon values?

I was recently confronted with the abysmal farce of a movement known as ‘PaleoConservativism.’ I recognized that, in addition to our under-representation, we also have to deal with confusion between our movements. PaleoCons would suggest that they are the Classic Coke of conservatism. But it shares more with that syrupy abomination, New Coke. Founded in the 80’s, with saccharine ideals like ‘civil society’ (read: 7th Heaven family values) and Old Right Pat Buchanan comb-over philosophies, it too should be wary of its associations with Bill Cosby. PaleoCons are about as Paleo as the diet, they are fake, based more on The Flintstones than sound observational thinking about the past. In plainer English, fuck them, I wanted to nickname our movement “PaleoCons” but they took the name and fucked it all up. *hrumph*

So now, we are the DinoCons. We are the grassroots cultural resistance force seeking to prevent the seemingly imminent dinosaur resurrection event through concise political rhetoric and clear thinking. We know that in order to survive, humanity must shore up the dam against the dinosaur tides while preparing for their eventual collapse.

Our platforms:
“Science Good”
How do you prepare for an enemy that hides in prehistory? How do you predict the ways it will seek to emerge? You have to understand science. The feralization of selectively bred poultry? The re-evolution of Tyrannosaur phenotypes? Our questions and hunches don’t just need to be asked, they need to be the top priority for our leaders. That’s why DinoCons take the stance that science is good. Therefore, the enemies of science are bad. Let it be known that no politician will ever receive the backing of The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement without a Bachelor’s in Science from an accredited university. Want our votes? Go get the degree. By the time you’re done, maybe you’ll also learn a thing or two about student debt.

“Dinosaurs Bad”
Dinosaurs come from a time in our Earth’s (yes, OUR EARTH) history when survival was about how many butcher knives you could grow out of your body and how quickly you could insert them into the bodies of other living things. Much like a child raised by religious TapouT enthusiasts, they became violent zealots, drunk on death. Dinosaurs were produced by an environment whose major exports were lava and dunkleosteus. They were the savage tyrants of this world for hundreds of millions of years, and you better believe they would do it all again if they could. Only by a concentrated global political effort will humanity prevent that. We vote for candidates who take strong stances against dinosaur resurrection.

What does that all mean?

That means strict control of the poultry industry, focusing on the elimination of capitalist factory farming. We need to have access to poultry, because it is important to the human diet, but we need to stop being brutal about it (STOP GIVING CHICKENS A REASON TO KILL US) and we need to stop maximizing monetary profit over the security of our food source.

That means better funding of scientific research and public science education. Where will the money come from? Literally anything else, but particularly administrator savings and the wealthy. Politicians, government bureaucrats, and corporate officers should be separated from their savings, and that savings should go to science. Why? Because if that money isn’t in the economy, it isn’t preventing the dinosaur apocalypse. Hedge funds, investments, and any salary over 100 grand have something in common: they require a dinosaur free future in order to be spent.

That means an end to governmentally privileged religions. You can believe whatever hooey you want, but you still have to pay taxes so dinosaurs won’t consume humanity.

Finally, that means a strong pro-environmental stance. The best thing going for our world right now is our quickly disappearing ice age. However, the new left capitalists are doing their damnedest to heat up this planet as fast as they possibly can and frack up as much land as they can buy. You know who likes high global temperatures and shifting continental plates? FUCKING DINOSAURS. Big Business is basically terraforming the planet for dinosaurs.

Hopefully, this clears up what we will be looking for in the 2015/2016 elections. Any comments or questions on our stances can be left in the comments below, I will answer them in an update.

Subscribe unless you are a PaleoCon. PaleoCons can click here.

Leonard Nimoy and Neil Gaiman and the Most Anti-Dinosaur Comic Imprint Ever

With the sad passing of Leonard Nimoy, I thought I might collect and share some weird literary history. See, this here happened back before Star Trek experienced its recent resurgence in popularity, before Neil Gaiman was openly recognized as the brilliant writer he really isn’t, before geek culture was cool and then cliché and then whiny. These days were known as the 90’s, and aside from Bill Clinton’s NATO bombing of a couple of hospitals in Kosovo (“dual-use” targets), it was a pretty good time.

Back in those days, Leonard Nimoy and Neil Gaiman contributed to Tekno Comix, a comic book publisher that was devoted to Anti-Dinosaur rhetorical exercises. Seriously, 30% of their titles were about how bad it would be if Dinosaurs [fill in the blank]. And that was because Leonard Nimoy, Neil Gaiman and Isaac Asimov were way ahead of their time and knew that some day we would have to deal with political questions of Dinosaur Readiness as a society. (Neil Gaiman promptly stopped being ahead of his time after the 90’s, but whatever.) The two titles best titles were Nimoy’s PriMortals and Gaiman’s Teknophage.

Yes, I had these as a child. Yes, they probably contributed to my dinosaur hating world view. Thank god, right?

PriMortals was Nimoy’s concept. So you got these aliens, right? And they make first contact with humanity, and the lead alien is like–
“Listen, we actually run around granting sentience to randos every now and again. Sometimes we invent people, sometimes we fuck up real bad. You guys seem… eh, but remember how I was saying we fuck up sometimes? Yeah, dinosaurs.”
So you have this giant superpowered dinosaur with genius intelligence running around breaking chains on all the comics covers while humanity is still trying to figure out wtf just happened.
Republican party was like Lewinski > Kosovo
Nimoy allegedly talked through the premise with Asimov, which sort of blows my mind. I mean, if Roddenberry had still been alive, he would have recorded that chat and made Loulie Jean Norman sing the remix. How awesome would that have been? It would have been like–

Nimoy: “The aliens have experimented on dinosaurs in visits previous. Now one of the dinosaurs is upset about that. Its emotions are… mad.”
Asimov: “Oh! Make it a moral conundrum! Oh man! Make it SO CHALLENGING ETHICALLY!”
Nimoy: “And then that would be challenging ethically for the humans. Their emotions would be… sad… happy… mad.”
Asimov: “WHAT COULD YOU EVEN ETHICALLY THINK WITH IMMORTAL INTELLIGENCE?!?!?!?!”
Nomoy: “The alien’s facial structure would be angular.”
Norman: “wooooOOOOOOOO AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHH!

Yes. That would have been how it would have happened. Anyhoo. The moral of the story was that you probably shouldn’t give infinite intelligence to dinosaurs. I took this lesson to heart.

Neil Gaiman’s Teknophage… you’re going to think I’m making this up. First, because it sounds exactly like Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement propaganda. Secondly, because you will have a hard time imagining Neil Gaiman writing something other than goth nostalgia. Teknophage was about a Tyrannosaurus who is literally the capitalist plutocratic overlord of a planet. He is a businessman Tyrannosaurus. He rules with teeth and the almighty dollar. Look, he even wears a little suit.
Does he look more like Donald Trump or Mitt Romney?
When someone pissed him off, Henry (the dinosaur businessman is named Henry) would swallow them whole and partially digest them for a few hours. Then he would spit them back up and they’d be all gooey and acid burned. It was totally metal.

Somehow this comic company didn’t particularly succeed; Tekno only lasted about two years. Leonard Nimoy’s characters fared the best, getting a tie-in novel and a bitchin’ interactive CD-ROM. But I know what you’re wondering.

Was there a crossover battle between Nimoy’s alien and Henry?

OF COURSE THERE WAS.

God save you, 1996. Anyone who can send me a scan of the inside of PriMortals #15, I will post the battle on here.

Thanks for reading. If you enjoyed today’s entry, subscribe or whatever. Also, you can send me a letter. I am a little backed up right now but I do read all the mail I get. Do you need a pint glass? How come no one else remembers the Kosovo missions? The hospital bombing was on friggin’ TV and everything.

Top 5 Most Awful Tyrannosaurs

Why five? Because five is higher than tyrannosaurs can count.
It came to my attention that most people are not aware that there was more than one kind of Tyrannosaur. Well, bad news. There were lots of Tyrannosaurs. Sorry if you were thinking about ever feeling secure again. According to the internet, the best way to educate the public these days is in the numbered list format. So without further delay, and because no one reads the opening paragraph to a numbered list article on a website anyway, here they are: the top 5 most awful Tyrannosaurs of all time (that we know about).

5. Albertosaurus

Tyrannospringsteen

Albertosaurus was a pretty standard medium sized tyrannosaur, a limber hunter that developed to chase down prey like hadrosaurs. What makes it so scary, beyond the fact that it was a murderous thirty foot long theropod?
Conventions. Freaking Albertosaurus raves.
In the Dry Island bonebed, twenty-six Albertosaurs were found together. There were a dozen or so juveniles, another dozen adults and sub-adults, and then one enormous elder. What the hell do you possibly need twenty-six Albertosaurs to accomplish? What the hell were they hunting? Canada? The entire nation of Canada?

4. Daspletosaurus

photo credit: BBC

photo credit: BBC

Daspletosaurus was a colleague of Albertosaurus, a contemporary in a similar field. That field was ruthless murder, and while the fleet footed Albertosaurus was forming death squads and tracking down hadrosaurs, Daspletosaurus hit the gym. This monster had bigger teeth than T. Rex. It was on freaking Cretaceous steroids. It had powerful, stocky legs and a hugely muscled neck. That’s because Daspletosaurus was probably gunning for cerotopsians, while letting gangs of Albertosaurs handle the “light work”.
Daspletosaurus would probably show up to Albertosaur conventions and hit on the obviously engaged Albertosaur honeys and call everyone else a beta and ask Nanotyrannus if he even lifts.
This is all before it would go and take on bus sized spiky bull monsters like Styracosaurus,  which it would eat with a of sprinkling protein powder.

3. Nanotyrannus

photo credit: Wikipedia Commons

photo credit: Wikipedia Commons

Nanotyrannus was only about a third of the size of the biggest tyrannosaurs, which you might think would preclude it from this list. The problem with that line of thinking is that a third of huge is still pretty freaking big. Think of it in terms of sliders. It doesn’t matter whether you eat one 12oz burger or three 4oz burgers, you’re still over eating. It works the same way with pack hunting tyrannosaurs. Dividing a tyrannosaur into three smaller tyrannosaurs doesn’t mean you’re going to be alright, it just means that the tyrannosaurs will be able to cover all of your exits.
Hell, a seventeen foot long Nanotyrannus could probably hide in your garage. Are you going to go to your garage, be ambushed by a Nanotyrannus, and be like,
“Oh, this is fine. This tyrannosaur is only seventeen feet long.”
No. You’ll be like, “I am dead now because it turns out that the size of a tyrannosaur is not necessarily a major factor in my ability to survive it eating my head, beyond a certain critical size which is likely somewhere in the twelve to fourteen foot-” DEAD.

2. Lythronax

photo credit: The Guardian

photo credit: The Guardian

“The King of Gore”. That is what “Lythronax” means. Scientists just discovered Lythronax, and this name proves to me that the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness philosophy is catching on. This is the great ancestor of tyrannosaurs, and it had a few adaptations that made tyrannosaurs hugely successful.
One of those adaptations was binocular vision. Lythronax was already huge at thirty feet long, and it already had the trademark jaws and powerful legs of the tyrannosaurs. Evolving binocular vision on an animal like that is kind of like a missile evolving a guidance system. Except instead of a swift fiery death, you would probably see Lythronax coming and get a few futile minutes of abject terror and fruitless flight as it chased you about and you would be screaming and it would trample your cat and your I-Pad Mini and you would scream to heaven for salvation but none would come because NO ONE LISTENED TO THE CONSERVATIVE DINOSAUR READINESS MOVEMENT.
WHY DIDN’T THEY LISTEN? Chomp chomp nom nom.
Lythronax will get its own article in the near future as more information is divulged by paleontologists.

1. Tyrannosaurus Rex

photo credit: Walking With Dinosaurs

photo credit: Walking With Dinosaurs

Oh, did you think I was going to do that hipster move where I put the obvious choice as #2? Well this isn’t a chump ranking of Beatles albums, nephew. This is serious.

Fun Tyrannosaurus Rex fact: Scientists hypothesize that the reason they can’t find any baby Tyrannosaurus Rex fossils is because they didn’t often die as juveniles. By two years old, a young T. Rex was bigger than any other contemporary land predator.

Fact number dos: Scientists know T. Rex was an active hunter because they are still picking Rex fangs out of the backs of hadrosaurs that survived the initial confrontation. That’s a love nip with 6-inch long teeth.

Fun fact the threequel: Tyrannosaurus Rex had an estimated bite force of nearly 13,000 pounds, which is about as much as it weighed total. That’s three times the weight of the average car in the United States. Also about equal to 1600 new born babies.

Return of the Fun Fact: This is how big T. Rex was compared to a few of these other chump lizards.

Lol seriously

Lol seriously

MUST GO FASTER. MUST GO FASTER.

The only reason T. Rex didn’t evolve wings is because the sky doesn’t bleed. Tyrannosaurs Rex only had two fingers on each hand because scissors always wins if you stab hard enough. The biggest Tyrannosaurus Rex ever found was named Sue because you could fit both Johnnie Cochran and Mike Geragos in her gaping jaws.  T. Rex didn’t go extinct, murder got tired.

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