Tag Archives: Theropods

Danez Smith – Dinosaurs in the Hood

The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement officially approves of this poem. Make sure you read the whole thing at The Poetry Foundation.

Let’s make a movie called Dinosaurs in the Hood.
Jurassic Park meets Friday meets The Pursuit of Happyness.
There should be a scene where a little black boy is playing
with a toy dinosaur on the bus, then looks out the window
& sees the T. Rex, because there has to be a T. Rex.
– Danez Smith, “Dinosaurs in the Hood”
Read the whole poem here, buy his book here. If you don’t like poetry, check this out instead.

Great News: Dinosaur Descendents Stupider than Toddlers

This week we have a guest report by esteemed movement supporter Marten Dollinger. Check out his other work here, and here.

Studies Show Dinosaur Descendents Stupider than Toddlers (Mostly)

Caledonian Crows are all the talk of avian studies, lately; they’ve been observed to use tools and make inferences. However, a team of psychologists recently discovered an important flaw in crows’, and consequently dinosaurs’, thought process: they cannot come up with a novel behavior after watching some simple cause and effect reactions. This particular leg-up on the birds is fantastic news for the movement, since 70 percent of even the smallest and squishiest of humans can do that. Also, when the dinosaur apocalypse comes, that figure will likely rise to 100 percent due to natural selection.

What the heck does that even mean, you ask? Well, the experiment was pretty simple. The scientist set up a chain reaction in which dominos knock over a rock, which falls on a see-saw, which gives the subject a treat. The crows are pretty bright, they could easily figure out to start knocking over dominos. The next part was to give the birds and humans a version of the chain reaction that doesn’t have the dominos after observing the chain-reaction one several times. Toddlers worked out they could just drop the rock straight in and not have any need for all those dominos. The birds were lost without the domino effect, one just picked up the rock, put it down, and then flew away and cried tiny bird tears, longing for the simple observed dominos that made it feel so smart.

idiot crow

Now, to turn this meaningful study into some actionable advice: incorporate Rube Goldberg contraptions into the raptor-proofing methods you already apply to your own home. We have covered the basics of raptor-proofing before, but these can be greatly improved upon by adding a layer of complexity that dastardly theropods may think they can navigate. They’ll watch the springs and wires and counterweights interact that allow you safe passage into your fortified structure, and think they can get the drop on you like they did poor Muldoon. Meanwhile, you’ll remove an integral piece of the system, and they’ll get dropped into one of your many spike pits instead. Clever girl, indeed.

Update: do NOT incorporate a moat into your defenses. It might take them a while, but it’s only a matter of time before the raptors figure out how to roll boulders into it, flood your entire bunker, and devour you like so many Goldfish brand cheddar crackers.

How to Fight a Raptor

In this article, Persius Q. Lumbar, expert mixed species martial arts instructor, has provided helpful commentary on how to fight a raptor in hand-to-claw close quarters combat. Dinosaurs!WTF? would like to extend humble thanks for his input.

 

Mr. Lumbar is an experienced animal combatant, known in the animal fighting world for victories against bulls, shrews, and the ravenous wild turkey. The following conversation has been transcribed, edited, and illustrated.

 

How to Fight a Raptor

 

Lumbar: Firstly, it should be understood that fighting a dinosaur in close quarters is absolutely not recommended. Raptors, in particular, were amazingly competent warriors… probably.

 

Ed: Well, we are looking at a worst case scenario here. If the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness movement should fail in its mission to keep the various political powers that be from resurrecting dinosaurs-

 

Lumbar: Yes, yes, things would be pretty grim, then. Bad news bears. I fight bears. Anyway, the first thing you want to do to prepare is lift a bunch of kettle bells whilst growing a manly goatee.

1_Kettle Bells-01

Ed: Really?

 

Lumbar: Obviously. Lets review the basic threats and techniques.

Threat 1. Man Against a Leaping Assault by Deinonychus

2_Leap Attack-01

Lumbar: Do not, under any circumstance, allow a Deinonychus to gain the high ground. In all likelihood, however, it already has by the time you realize you will need to fight a Deinonychus. Your first instinct might be to punch the incoming raptor in its soft underbelly. Raptors, however do not have soft underbellies like men do. This is actually a serious evolutionary flaw in mammals. Raptor ribcages extend over the belly, by punching the belly, you would find yourself with a broken hand seconds before you are torn limb from limb like a soft pretzel.

 

Ed: Well that isn’t very helpful.

 

Lumbar: Shh.

 

Technique 1. The Handstand Donkey Berates the Farmer

3_Donkey Kick-01

Lumbar: This ancient Tai Chi technique, wherein the warrior kicks out his back legs visciously-

 

Ed: Like a donkey?

 

Lumbar: Like a handstand donkey. This technique will allow a warrior to utilize his superior reach and handstand strength against the lightly built carnosaur. Should the technique be used correctly, whist the raptor is in mid-flight, it will be knocked away with great force.

 

Ed: Interesting.

 

Lumbar: Everything that saves your life is interesting. Thus I recommend your readers try to do twenty or so handstand push-ups daily, to maximize the effect of this technique.

 

Threat 2. Man’s Head Within the Jaws of Deinonychus

4_Head Bite-01

Lumbar: Do not allow a raptor to put your head in its mouth.

 

Ed: Okay…

 

Lumbar: Carnosaurs, with a few exceptions, had very impressive force behind their bite. A raptor could crush your head like a Honda crushes my son’s favorite model aeroplane.

 

Ed: Just… just like that?

 

Lumbar: Exactly like that.

 

Technique 2. The Monkey Plucks the Banana

5_Throat Punch-01

Ed: Oh god.

 

Lumbar: This technique, from the Tai Chi Master Jared Fitzpatrick, requires precise timing and a willingness to be puked on by a raptor. The warrior, seeing that the raptor has left its tongue and epiglottis exposed by is attempt to fit a human head in its mouth, grasps the tongue and punches back into the raptor’s throat.

 

Ed: Wouldn’t the raptor just bite off your arm?

 

Lumbar: No, it will be too busy puking.

 

Threat 3. The Deinonychus Lashes Out with a Deadly Kick

6_Front Kick-01

Lumbar: Now you have the advantage. The raptor sees you as a threat! Your intimidating posture! Your rippling bisceps! Perhaps it sees its own death in the pattern of your facial hair.

 

Ed: Sure.

 

Lumbar: It lashes out at you with its killing claw, trying to count the folds of your intestines with its meat hook feet!

 

Ed: Relax.

 

Lumbar: You relax!

 

Technique 3. The Orangutan Wrenches the Branch in Twain

7_Leg Split-01

Ed: What’s with you and apes?

 

Lumbar: In this technique, the warrior utilizes the light build of his birdlike opponent and his superior upper body flexibility to turn the raptor’s deadly kick into an incredibly painful hyperextension of the inner thighs. Grabbing the raptor’s out-thrust leg and wrenching it into the air, the warrior then pulls apart the raptor’s legs in a way God never intended.

 

Ed: I don’t think God intended any of this.

Threat 4. The Joust

8_Head Charge-01

Lumbar: A Deinonychus may try a charging head butt, hoping to scare you into freezing or to knock you off balance. Once the raptor knocks you down, it’s curtains for you. Raptors are incredible ground fighters, with blazing fast rabbit kicks and twisting, serpentine bites!

 

Ed: So how do you stop an animal as fast as a horse from head butting

you?

Technique 4. The Ram Rebukes the Stepchild

9_Spear Defense-01

Ed: That’s terrible.

 

Lumbar: The warrior must remember that he has the weight advantage. When the raptor charges with a headbutt, you dive and meet it with your own! Your skull is just as thick as a raptor’s, if not moreso! Leap forward and drive your forehead into its snout.

 

Ed: A spear? Like the illegal football tackle?

 

Lumbar: Precisely.

 

Ed: That’s illegal because it causes severe neck injuries. It hurts everyone involved, even whering scientifically advanced helmets and padding.

 

Lumbar: You know what else causes severe neck injuries? Raptors.

 

Threat 5. Never Gloat Over a Fallen Raptor Corpse

10_No Gloating-01

Lumbar: A dead raptor is probably faking.  Just like the vicious kitten, a raptor is just as deadly lying down as it is standing up. A fallen raptor will try to lure you into making the mistake flexing victoriously or posing for photos. That’s where the expression ‘playing raptor’ comes from.

 

Ed: I have never heard that expression. And I run this website.

 

Lumbar: You have to make sure that the raptor is dead.

 

Ed: Well, good interview, thanks for-

 

Technique 5. The Capuchin Bludgeons the Sleeping Clown

11_Bat Attack-01

Ed: Another violent monkey.

 

Lumbar: This technique, invented by Capoeira Mestre Bimba and honed by me, is the only way to be sure that a fallen raptor is actually dead. Granted, you have beaten a raptor soundly if you have utilized even two of the four previous techniques, but raptors are resilient.

 

Ed: Uh huh.

 

Lumbar: You’ll need a baseball bat. I prefer one made out of aluminum.

 

Ed: Uh huh.

 

Lumbar: Then you beat the raptor with the baseball bat until you can barely tell what it used to be.

 

Ed: What is your problem?

 

Lumbar: You know? I am starting to doubt your devotion to this cause.

 

Ed: Sometimes people like you make me wonder.

 

Thanks for reading. If you liked this failure of an interview, subscribe! If you liked the art by William Moore, buy his awesome t-shirts and visit his webcomic.

 

Dinosaur Crime Scenes: Prehi-STALKERS

Dinosaurs were committing heinous crimes during the Mesozoic; crimes so terrible that I have to cover them for the next couple of weeks on my vaguely public conservative internet blog. Enjoy the second installment of Dinosaur Crime Scenes.

Stalking! A crime that is hard to define and makes very little legal sense. Here in Ohio, our laws against “Menacing by Stalking” can be interpreted broadly: “No person by engaging in a pattern of conduct shall knowingly cause another person to believe that the offender will cause physical harm to the other person or cause mental distress to the other person.”

Taking that to its logical conclusion, the number of people who have committed this crime against me personally is difficult to even quantify. Insurance salesmen? Knowingly cause mental distress. Bankers? They repeatedly tell me to remove my Dodgers cap on their premises or else the guard will throw me out into the street. Geez! Menacing! Dudes who insist on carrying their guns on them at Wendy’s? Hell yes I think you’re going to cause me physical harm, and you know it! People who drive Hummers near me in the grocery store parking lot? YOU MIGHT AS WELL SAY YOU WANT TO DRIVE A MONSTER TRUCK OVER MY FAMILY.

Basically, everyone I interact with is guilty of Menacing by Stalking. So it makes a lot of sense that theropods would be stalkers.

Oh, but now we have scientific proof of dinosaur stalkers. This week, this report hit the news.

In 1940, before scientists understood ideas like “not desecrating 100-million-year-old fossils” and “documenting where you ship 100-million-year-old fossils”, fossil collectors managed to wreck a third of a dinosaur trackway in Texas. But using old photos and 3d modeling technology, scientists were able to digitally reconstruct the trackway for study.

"These old-timey sledge hammers are definitely the best tools for preserving these priceless fossil imprints."

“These old-timey sledge hammers are definitely the best tools for preserving these priceless fossil imprints.”

What they found was evidence of a DINOSAUR CRIME SCENE. Oh, wow, really? Gosh I’m so surprised.

Two dinosaurs are represented in the trackway, some sort of sauropod and a large theropod. As you have probably guessed, the theropod was stalking the sauropod. And while I hesitate to call any dinosaur a ‘victim’, judging by the theropod in question, the sauropod was about to have a very bad day.

Acrocanthosaurus, our suspected theropod perpetrator, definitely has a guilty face. Look at that face. Find me a single judge that wouldn’t convict that face. Acrocanthosaurus was a nasty monster. It had a ridge of spines going down its back that show evidence of dense shoulder muscle. Likely, Acrocanthosaurus got these giant muscles from pumping steel every day in the prison yard.

You can totally tell which dinosaurs were jailbirds by their prison muscles, even if they didn’t opt for the tattoos.

People call me paranoid because I think dinosaurs want to stalk us. I am not paranoid, I am logically interpreting the evidence presented to us. Just like that weirdo who uses a bright yellow H2 as his commuter car and follows you through the grocer parking lot slightly too closely, Acrocanthosaurus and his theropod ilk have a proven pattern of being creepy stalkers. They should all be arrested.

You should subscribe and tweet @dinosaurswtf and buy mugs from my shop or else you are guilty of Menacing by Stalking in the state of Ohio.

We Need to Have a Talk: Pterosaurs are not Dinosaurs.

“We Need to Have a Talk” is a new semi-regular feature in Dinosaurs!WTF? that will address misconceptions about the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness movement and its paleontological / political concerns. Try to enjoy the non-suggestive and rhetorically non-aggressive FAQ format.

Hey editor! Look! A Pterosaur plush toy!

People are constantly pointing out dinosaur related things to me and that makes a lot of sense. People send me links every time there is a national news story about dinosaurs, just like I send coupons for mental wellness centers to my friends who openly admit to liking TapOut. These are logical responses that show we care about one another’s interests.

Through their willingness to share, however, I have uncovered a disturbing trend. Many people are still under the impression that Pterosaurs are dinosaurs. Pterosaurs are not dinosaurs, and it is a bad idea to count them in with dinosaurs.

But aren’t Pterosaurs just as bad as dinosaurs? Shouldn’t the Movement be just as worried about them?   

That there? That’s dangerous thinking, bucko. Practically regressive.

Pterosaurs are flying reptiles. They may be closely related to dinosaurs, but they may also be much more closely related to basal archosauromorphs (which went mostly extinct in the Triassic). Either way, they pose nowhere near the threat of dinosaurs.

But they have nasty teeth and beaks and they can fly. Isn’t that like, half your problem with dinosaurs?

Yes, those are major reasons why I hate dinosaurs. However, an enemy must be near us in order to harm us, no matter how winged and toothy. Pterosaurs, since they are not dinosaurs, are not near enough to us in time or evolution to pose any threat.

Remember, the reason why there needs to be an active anti-dinosaur political movement today is because dinosaurs are very, very nearby. Look out the nearest window. There is probably a close dinosaur relative out there, right now, plotting. A pigeon trying to regrow its killing claws. A crow remembering pack hunting pred-prey dynamics. A chicken doing squat-thrusts. They remember, and they are one genetic foible away from going FULL-THEROPOD on all our asses.

So the issue is that Pterosaurs didn’t evolve like dinosaurs?

Yes, as far as we know. Pterosaurs are just dead. Big difference from dinosaurs. Only in the Jurassic Park model of dinosaur resurrection, which is genetically impossible due to the degradation rate of DNA, could Pterosaurs be resurrected. It just isn’t going to happen.

Also, Pterosaurs were never as intelligent as dinosaurs. They were still operating as reptiles, as far as we can tell. They probably didn’t have complex social behavior, they weren’t likely to be problem solvers. Compare that with your modern crow.

Yeah, now consider what that crow would be doing with those skills if it was big enough to eat a baby. If Perdue’s breeding coordinators thought they could make a buck off of siring a toothier, 5-foot-tall crow, you better believe we’d have some damn problems.

So does that mean believers in the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement are allowed to think that Pterosaurs are cute?

ABSOLUTELY! Look at how cute these extinct flying reptiles could be!

Rhamphorhynchus? AWWW!

You just want to swaddle him.

You just want to swaddle him.

Thanks for reading and remember to subscribe if you like being free from rampaging dinosaurs.

5 Terrifying Raptors that Disprove Creationism

Dromaeosaurs and Deinonychosaurs, the beasts we refer to as “Raptors”, are among the scariest animals to have ever walked the Earth. But did you know that they also disprove Creationism in really scary, murderous ways? Examining the horrible methods of these feathery fiends, a logical person can see graphically violent demonstrations against the fallacious reasoning of Young Earth Creationism. So strap on your adult diapers and prepare to be educated by some of the most heinous serial killers of the Mesozoic.

5. Deinonychus

deinonychusFIN1
Dinosaurs! WTF? has covered Deinonychus before, but we failed to cover one of the Deinonychus’ nastiest hunting behaviors. See, Creationists like to argue that wings held no evolutionary advantage before they were capable of flight. Not only is this assertion wrong, it also fails to appreciate the pure murderous tenacity of nature. Wings, even in a pre-flight stage, are incredibly useful to lithe carnivores like Deinonychus for a nasty behavior called “mantling”.

Mantling is when a raptor (and including the modern raptors) digs its killing claws into a larger prey animal (say a deer or a protoceratops or you) and then rides them into the ground like a mechanical bull at a cheap steakhouse. Proto-wings are incredibly useful for the carnivore’s balance in this practice. Being able to mantle a larger animal protects the attacker from retaliation, and drives the killing claws into the vital organs and blood vessels. Modern birds use this for the same reasons, as well as to keep others from stealing small prey.

Deinonychus, an animal roughly the size of a tiger, likely used its proto-wings in exactly this manner. This gave animals who were not gliders an advantage in developing wings. The origins of flight are murder. Are you surprised? Really?

4. Archeroraptor

AcheroraptorFIN1
Archeroraptor is on this list because it shows just how far adaptability can progress. Archeroraptor displays numerous evolutionary adaptations as well as evidence for cross continental migration. Far from being “designed”, this is an animal that was constantly adapting up until the major extinction event that freed Earth from the Age of Dinosaurs.

To fit into the ecosystem in which it was discovered, Archeroraptor’s ancestors would have had to migrate from Asia (it was discovered in Montana.) This was a feathered, flightless animal with proto-wings that had adapted to serve it in a niche alongside the likes of Tyrannosaurus Rex, Triceratops, and other late cretaceous heavy hitters.

Its prey was likely small mammals, carrion, bugs, and other small dinosaurs. It was specialized in eating our mammalian ancestors, and it was a close relative of Velociraptor. Basically, if evolution wasn’t the origin of this species, there is no reason why it would exist. So Creationists probably think Satan put the fossils in Montana, which honestly is the most believable part of Young Earth Creationism.

3. Dromaeosaurus

Dromaeosauru1sFIN
Dromaeosaurus was a different kind of raptor from the others in the lightweight class, such as Velociraptor and Saurornitholestes. Adaptation requires animals to specialize differently than their close relatives if they are going to live concurrently, kind of like how you can’t be a famous actress because while you are certainly pretty and talented, your sister is prettier and more talented and already has an agent so thank God you are good at math.

Dromaeosaurus was built to hunt with its jaws just as efficiently as its killing claws. Its teeth and jaws were heavier and more suited to dealing killing blows than the other raptors, and its neck was strong and flexible. It had highly developed eyesight and could also hunt by smell.

That’s evolution for you. These Tyrannosaurus-like traits allowed it to fill a different niche than its cousins. Of course, this niche still involved murder. That’s just how raptors roll. You don’t start finding vegetarian philosophy major raptors until you get into the weirdos of the family like maniraptors like Therizinosaurus or Segnosaurus. And frankly, I have my doubts about their intentions.

2. Balaur

Balaur_bondocFIN1
This deadly raptor would have made Darwin very worried about his discoveries on Galapagos. Balaur was a raptor confined to an island. Raptors, being relatively small compared to other dinosaurs, were well suited to become peak predators on islands. Small animals tend to thrive in smaller environments. But how is a knife wielding nut-job raptor supposed to get a “leg up” on the other crumb-bum knife wielding nutters?

Balaur’s evolutionary adaptation was simple. Carry more knives. Double the knives, in fact. Balaur had not one, but two huge retractable buck-knife claws on each foot. During an ancient era where every creature was carrying heat, this beast developed even more heat. It was the banana republic drug lord of the age of dinosaurs. The island couldn’t support a bigger predator, but surely it could find room for more weaponry, right?

Yes. It could. And nature would reward those who carried more weapons with progeny.
Remember, according to Creationism, this was a peaceful herbivore before the flood. Bullshit.

“Oh, what are you doing with all those knives, Balaur?” Noah would have asked.
“Oh gee, Noah, I’m just paring vegetables for everyone. Totally not murdering small prey in droves to feed my absurdly numerous brood of slasher movie villains.”

1. Utahraptor

utahraptorFIN1
In the early Cretaceous, the Allosaurs were becoming much less prominent and the Tyrannosaurs had not yet figured out their business plan. So there was a slight lack of animals trying to eat the later members of the giant Sauropod clique.
Enter Utahraptor.

One of the earliest raptors ever discovered, Utahraptor was built to be a Sauropod killing machine. Unlike its later cousins, Utahraptor was big and powerful, over 19 feet long, with leg bones twice the thickness of Deinonychus. It had longer claws than the other raptors, scaled for comparison, but by far the nastiest advantage it had was its killing claw.

The killing claw on Utahraptor was 14 inches long and curved less inward than the claws of later raptors. This was a long slashing weapon, longer than a bowie knife, longer than a dagger.

Utahraptor was a pack hunter that excelled at bringing down dinosaurs like Sauroposeiden, a larger relative of Brachiosaurus that was 100 feet long.

Of course, Young Earth Creationism wants you to think that this creature lived around the same time as Sophocles. Try to imagine Sophocles trying to write “Oedipus Rex”, and not mentioning that Utahraptors were a serious problem.

OEDIPUS
When the ruling king had fallen in this way,
what bad trouble blocked your path, preventing you
from looking into it?

CREON
It was the fucking Utahraptors—
Are you serious right now? Everywhere we go
to put aside something we found obscure
there are like thirty Utahraptors gouging faces.

YEAH I REALLY BET NO ONE WOULD HAVE MENTIONED UTAHRAPTORS.

That’s it for this week, go ahead and share this article everywhere, check out cool stuff designed by Ryan Martin, this week’s art contributor, on the store page. And subscribe if that is your jam.

Rexolution Plot Foiled by Utah Police: Simple Theft or…?

Last week a theft with obvious ties to the #Rexolution or the Liberal Underground Dinosaur Conspiracy was foiled by police. Police investigating a stolen Jeep were led to a chop shop in Murray, Utah. Jeeps are a favorite of pro-dinosaur conspirators due to their prominent product placement in Jurassic Park. Inside the chop shop, police found a trailer full of stolen life-sized dinosaur robot costumes.

The police were amazed at how brazen the crime was. Who would risk jail time stealing dinosaur suits from a children’s entertainment company? But here at the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Headquarters, we recognized the crime for what it was– the next move of our nemesis, the Liberal Underground Dinosaur Conspiracy.

"birthday fun"

“birthday fun”

So called “pranking groups” have recently begun a trend of punking people in urban areas with these elaborate costumes. The costumes are expensive and the pranksters need more of them. However their basic methods are sound. You’ll notice, if you search for these videos, that as time passes, people are less and less surprised by a full sized dinosaur leaping out of the bushes. This is an example of a phenomenon known as “desensitization”. That’s right. People are becoming desensitized to dinosaur assaults in urban areas through repeated exposure.

“But gosh,” you might be saying as you leisurely flip through a 6 month old People Magazine that you stole from your dentist, “why would this Liberal Underground whatever want to desensitize people to dinosaurs? Aren’t they going to try and keep people scared?”

NO! THEY WANT DINOSAURS ON THE STREET TO SEEM NORMAL. Then you won’t have the common sense to RUN AWAY WHILE RETURNING FIRE when you see a rampaging theropod.

“Jeepers, I don’t know, seems like an overly complex theory,” you might be saying while you casually file your nails, “where are they even going to get the theropods to assault us with?”

They have researchers. Lots of them. Look at this, they are actually TRAINING CHICKENS to walk with a PROSTHETIC DINOSAUR TAIL. And it isn’t as though modern birds need any convincing to become bloodthirsty monsters.

lifted from io9.com

lifted from io9.com

Sometimes I feel like we are losing this war.

To keep up to date with this doomed campaign to save a complacent humanity from the dinosaur menace, please subscribe. If you want to tip me off about dinosaur plots, send me emails or tweet about the #rexolution.

Swag Update: Will Moore Designs

Wow! A new t-shirt design from artist William Moore! This was is based on his terrifying spike obsessed Kentrosaurus. Check it out at the shop.

 

*CONFIRMED* Smithsonian Shuttering the Dinosaur Hall to Thwart the Movement

Updated Jan. 27th.

Last Friday, The Smithsonian Museum of Natural History announced that they would be closing their Dinosaur Hall for at least the next five years. Their reasons?

“Renovations.”

Yeah, right. Seems pretty convenient, doesn’t it? Recent victories of the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement are starting to make us a target. The recent failure of several high profile fossils to sell at auction shows that anti-dinosaur sentiments are starting to sink in with the public. Just as the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement is starting to gain real political momentum, and right as the campaigns for the 2016 elections are about to get started, they close down the only Dinosaur Hall in Washington, DC (unless you count Congress and the Senate). I smell a plot, and it smells like theropoda.

The best way to end a political movement is to diminish awareness of it. This closing is an attempt by the powers in Washington to atrophy and destroy the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement, friends. This whole “five-plus-year project” isn’t just timed to suppress dinosaur awareness through the next major election. No, I wager it is a not-so-subtle mockery of the Movement, timed to coincide with the twenty year anniversary of the release of “Forgot About Dre”.

Touché, Liberal Underground Theropod Conspiracy. Dated hip-hop reference insults sting the most. Touché.

This impending doom for dinosaur education in our nation’s capitol has Americans alarmed.

“The liberal agenda tries to brainwash us into giving up our guns and now that same agenda is trying hide information about the dinosaur menace from the general public!” says wide-eyed realist Michael T., “The pro-dinosaur liberals are planning something serious.”

“We might as well just start building statues to our dinosaur overlords right now,” says Joey S., who took the news with cynical apathy.

The Smithsonian publicly seems remorseful, but say that the plan will be followed through.

“Those five years are going to fly by,” said director Kirk Johnson to the Washington Post, failing to convince anyone. It seems as though Kirk Johnson may be a pawn of the Theropod Conspiracy. Or worse.

(not even his final form)

(click for fact filled animation)

My tweets to him for a comment have revealed a disturbing truth:

 

What the hell is going on in Washington, DC?

This news, of course, comes in the wake of interruptions in the study of recent Tyrannosaur specimens cause by the US Government shutdown of 2013. The Dinosaur Hall will be briefly replaced by an observation window where guests will be able to see scientists studying the new specimen. Seems like a long way to go to prove that the research is finally being carried out, Government.

More on this story as it develops. Subscribe to keep up to date on the movement, and make sure to wear our sexy new T-shirt to the protest rallies.

The 5 Truthiest Dinosaur Movies

 

In today’s guest post, anti-dinosaur activist Marten Dollinger explores some severely underrated dinosaur films. -Ed.

Since 1914, Dinosaurs have been a staple of American Cinema. Unfortunately, as is often the case in film, their portrayal is usually dangerously inaccurate. Indeed, even McCay’s inaugural Gertie marks the uninformed masses’ obsession with KEEPING A DINOSAUR AS A PET, of all things, as the vaudevillian charlatan and his animated mockery of an ancient beast perform tricks. But these were less enlightened times, you say. Surely, Hollywood has learned that such a dangerous subject is not to be taken lightly? If only it were so, dear reader, if only it were so.

However, mirroring the growing momentum of the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness movement, some film-makers have moved to present the looming menace of a Dinopocalypse in a more realistic light. These films, while not necessarily accurate from a scientific standpoint, are all quite true in spirit. The filmmakers understood their subjects with a high standard of truthulence, knowing that dinosaurs were evil fiends and portraying them as such.

The following are the truthiest portrayals of the terrible lizards in fiction to date, and the lessons to take away from each.

5. The Dinosaur Project – If Dinosaurs are still around, they’re probably even more terrifying than we know.

Pictured: Bad directions.

Pictured: Bad directions.

After repeated Loch Ness-style sightings of decidedly prehistoric creatures in Africa, wildlife documentarian Jonathan Marchant gears up for an expedition deep in the Congo jungle. His son, because he is a foolish boy who wants to be friends with dinosaurs, stows away in their chopper. Once in enemy territory, the helicopter is promptly taken down by a flock of pterosaur descendents (that have evolved for the express purpose of taking down helicopters). Despite losing a team member every five minutes or so and having his freakin’ son around in a nightmarish lost world, Marchant decides to press on.

When they come across a small pack of something resembling a dilophosaurus, Marchant’s son befriends it by giving it candy, as though a flesh eating beast can be placated with a handful of skittles. It shows his friendship by spitting on him. Later, it is revealed that spitting on him signals to the bigger dinosaurs that he is off the menu, when the bad guy member of the team who was plotting all along to kill everyone else off and steal the glory is eaten instead. Obviously, the not-a-dilophosaurus is just saving the kid for later. Other important moments include when the main camera operator nervously asks if the plesiosaurus currently watching them is “one of the nasty ones,” and learns the hard way that they are ALL the nasty ones, and the brave acts of the sound guy, whose boom-wielding heroics give him a martyr’s death in a battle with more pterosaurs.

The found-footage style of film-making is, as kids say these days, “2000-late,” as is the idea of domesticating a dinosaur, which is why The Dinosaur Project is at the bottom of this list. Despite being guilty of the cardinal sin of dinosaur friendship, most every other interaction the characters have with dinosaurs hits close to home. Clearly, the only explanation for Sid Bennet to write a film where a kid makes friends with a dinosaur is to sugar-coat the rest of the horrors in his message.

4. Jurassic Park 3 – We have met the enemy and he has scales.

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I know what you’re thinking, it’s “how is Jurassic Park so low on the list?” and “obviously, the other two are further up somewhere.” Both of those thoughts are misguided. The only reason this made the list at all is because of the film’s lack of a human antagonist. One of the most glaring issues that even the truthiest films are guilty of is the need for a bad guy who is not a dinosaur. This is likely to drive home a cliche about how “we are the real monsters.” No, Hollywood, we’re not. Dinosaurs are the real monsters. You can tell by all the teeth and claws and spikes.

Of those real monsters, the crowd favorite has always been the velociraptor. I am not sure where this morbid fascination comes from, but at least we can raise awareness. Before moving on, I feel inclined to remind you that the proper way to protect yourself and your loved ones from velociraptor invasion can be found here. Raptors are cunning and vile creatures, and the only misrepresentation in this film is the idea that they can be bargained with when the fool-hardy Billy returns the egg to the pack, rather than smashing it to prevent another loathsome monster from entering this world.

Life will find a way, alright. A way to tear us to bits.

3. One Million Years B.C. – Made up history can repeat itself.

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If only it were so easy to live in a world shared with dinosaurs. The world of One Million Years B.C. was not our past, but it could be our future if we are not careful. With dinosaurs running amok, we will be naught but lost cavemen, concerned only with our continued existence. If I didn’t know better, I would think that someday the dinosaurs would watch this film in the same way we watch documentaries about species we wiped out, but dinosaurs lack both compassion and remorse.

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In One Million Years B.C., dinosaurs aren’t so much a set of characters to be reckoned with as a part of the setting. I would compare the dinosaurs in this to the machines of the Matrix series, except the machines could be beaten. Hammer Film’s past is our future if the weekly warnings of this publication are not heeded. We’ll be fit only to hide in caves and quabble over scraps of meat and who has the pointiest spear, while our women traipse around wearing their hair in cave-bumps, and our children grow out little cave mullets.

2. The Valley of Gwangi – Dinosaurs are enemy combatants, not entertainment.

If One Million B.C. showed us where we risk going, The Valley of Gwangi reminds us of what we risk losing. Live entertainment, spunky entrepreneurship, spoken language, all endangered by dinosaurs. Finding a valley of living prehistoric beings isn’t the greatest scientific discovery of the age, it’s a sign of the end times.

 

After a costly battle with dinosaurs in a hidden valley, a head of a rodeo predictably wants to take the incapacitated allosaurus, the fearsome Gwangi, back to make him into an attraction. You can see where this is going, and so can most of the other animals in the show. Just before Gwangi escapes, the elephant knows what’s coming. Before chowing down on the hundreds of snacks on legs, Gwangi munches on the elephant act. An allosaurus would love to take down an elephant. Elephants have way fewer spikes than most of the allosaur’s contemporaries.

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The cowboys of The Valley of Gwangi have the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement’s sense of urgency and share our policy regarding dinosaurs: shoot first, ask questions at the autopsy. Seeking shelter, setting traps, and eliminating dinosaurs with extreme prejudice are what makes this film a hallmark of of Dinosaur Readiness. The heroics displayed in their fight against a despotic allosaurus are inspiring, but I am nonetheless thankful that when the dinosaurs do come, we’ll be ready with full-automatic weapons and explosives rather than lassos.

1. Carnosaur – We’re probably playing right into the dinosaur mastermind’s claws.

The genius that was Carnosaur was overshadowed by the hype surrounding Jurassic Park in much the same way that the Tim Rice’s musical masterpiece Chess was ignored in favor of his former partner’s release of Cats. Truly, the consequences of these parallel tragedies will continue to be felt by generations to come. Forget drilling for mosquitos and throwing in frog DNA; reverse-engineering dinosaurs by messing with chicken genes is something scientists can actually do.

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Carnosaur follows the machinations of an evil scientist who does just that. Earlier, I mention how a common failing in dinosaur movies is needing a human bad guy, but given the plausibility of the method, it must be forgiven in this instance. Once the chicken puzzle is solved, the same method is applied to humans. That’s right, women giving birth to prehistoric abominations. I would not put it past the dinosaurs to resort to reproducing via chest-bursting parasites. Rather than the cliche I’ve mentioned before, the human vs human conflict is indicative of society’s failure to see who the real enemy is, despite that enemy being flesh-eating monsters.The world of Carnosaur is a dinosaur’s wet dream, and one that is all too likely to come true. vlcsnap-2014-01-16-22h16m59s214

SPOILER! The end of Carnosaur shows us the cure for the dinovirus right in sight, burning along with our heros. Don’t shoot the heroes and burn the bodies, that’s what the dinosaurs want you to do, don’t let this film be a spoiler for how the dinopocalypse goes down, and for the love of God, don’t stand righteously over a velociraptor to deliver the final blow, because you’ll get a claw through your back. Blow that sucker to bits from a safe distance.  Also, it probably wouldn’t hurt to invest in some industrial vehicles.

Marten Dollinger is an active supporter of the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement. He also reviews pop culture for The Analytical Couch Potato.

6 Lies fed to us by The Land Before Time

 

This letter showed up for me in my inbox last week.

To the Editor:
So a lot of the plot of Land Before Time revolves around a magical talking leaf, right?  As I recall from my hazy days of being obsessed with dinosaurs in a non-hostile way, our protagonist is a brontosaurus, and surprisingly visionary for his walnut sized brain.  Brontosaurus type things were from the Jurassic period, while flowering plants did not appear until the cretaceous.  The magical talking leaf had travelled in time!

I could be wrong about all of this.

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,
There are not and have never been magical talking leaves. Not even in the Cretaceous. If a leaf ever talks to you, seek medical attention.
From what I understand from the highly confusing plot of The Land Before Time, Little Foot the brontosaurus (shudder) is being guided by the ghost of his mother. There are so many things wrong with the statement that I just typed that I had to wash my hands just now. I think it is about time that the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement addressed The Land Before Time.

Sincerely,
Ed.

These are the 6 most heinous lies fed to us by The Land Before Time, as well as a few things that it (unintentionally) got right.

6. Dinosaur Speciation and Migration are metaphors for the American Dust Bowl

The Land Before Time is the story of young dinosaurs attempting to migrate “west” to the “great valley”.
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Since Disney released Fantasia, it has been a popular misconception that the reign of Dinosaurs ended with a huge, fruitless death march across a dry and barren Earth. This never happened. The image was so popular, however, that it became the ingrained in the imaginations of multiple generations.

The Land Before Time borrows this image, but adds the “hopeful” idea that if the dinosaurs can make it to this lush and temperate valley, they will be fine. There is plenty of food and everyone else is packing up the family to go there. However the dinosaurs are mistrustful of others who are different from them, and they all have American accents. Yeah, it’s the American Dustbowl migration to California.

This entire story concept is morally atrocious. Dinosaur species are not comparable to the minor racial and cultural differences of human beings. Dinosaurs were a highly diverse array of various lizard-bird monsters with enormously different evolutionary differences. People can have slightly varying coloration and cultural identities. People are not of different species. Dinosaurs evolved into vastly different orders and families. Some dinosaurs evolved to eat one another, whereas some people from Oklahoma have accents. Can you see why this is not a useful metaphor?

The problems of the Dustbowl migration stemmed from people being total assholes to one another based on prejudices that were founded on complete bullshit. Dinosaurs migrating in pods based on species is basic flocking behavior.

This metaphor sucks.

5. Dinosaurs have ghosts

A major component of the story in the film is Little Foot following his mother’s guidance to the valley. Often, he is simply remembering her advice. Then he is visited by her ghost in the clouds, like in The Lion King. (Except this predates Lion King. Also Lion King was a ripoff of Kimba the White Lion.)
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Anyway, can you see what is wrong with that idea? It is an official stance of The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement that if there were dinosaur ghosts, we would be pro-dinosaur ghost readiness. However, if dinosaurs had ghosts, we would all be getting murdered by phantasmal deinonychus like, every day.

So clearly dinosaurs do not have ghosts and this scene is founded on a blatant lie.

4. Physics do not apply to dinosaurs

Don Bluth, the director of this and many other animated films, had a very strange way of changing from scene to scene. Instead of the characters doing something normal, like walking, Don Bluth would just throw them. Seriously.

We meet Little Foot as an egg. The egg is stolen and then dropped, and it then rolls around at about 20 mph, crashing into things for what seems like several miles. Then Little Foot is immediately born and has not only suffered zero injuries, he is directly at his mother’s feet. No one present seems to notice.

In another scene, Cera is elaborating on her encounter with the Tyrannosaur and accidentally launches Ducky 90 feet into the air. She crash lands a quarter mile away. No injuries.
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I understand that this is a children’s cartoon, but if you launch Wile E. Coyote a quarter mile he generally requires medical attention. HE WOULD AT LEAST NOTICE.

Why is this such a problem? Why do we need to show our kids good examples of physics applying to dinosaurs?

When your children are attacked by dinosaurs, do you want them to be like, “Oh my god, a dinosaur! Let’s not use ballistic weaponry or anything else physics based on them because it won’t work. I know this because I saw The Land Before Time. We have to wish the dinosaurs away! Wish as hard as you can!”

No, because if your kids do that, then they will be eaten.

Physics definitely apply to dinosaurs, don’t believe Don Bluth.

3. Dinosaurs experience love and remorse

This one really bothers me. See, I can experience emotions because I am a human being. Dinosaurs do not experience emotions. They are cold killing machines.
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In the movie, the dinosaur children are plagued with guilt and shame and all these layers of human childhood emotional complexity. In real life, the dinosaurs would bite off each other’s arms and then take a nap, totally unperturbed. In fact, dinosaurs probably sleep better after biting something’s arm off, because they get sleepy after meals.

The dinosaurs all seem to love and cherish one another, except for the Tyrannosaur who is accurately portrayed as an unfeeling and violent monster. At least they got the Tyrannosaur right. The other dinosaurs, however, just can’t stop feeling things.

Seriously, Little Foot is so wracked with grief at the loss of his mother, he becomes depressive and unresponsive at points in the film. I mean, people do this. Dogs even do it. Dinosaurs, however, and particularly the big herbivores, just didn’t have the brain capacity.

Dinosaurs do not experience human emotions, this film is lying. Do not attribute feelings to dinosaurs or you will be less ready for them. The Diana Ross theme for the movie, however, is excellent. That is because Diana Ross is a human who experiences emotion, and she has a great voice.

2. Brontosaurus existed

Little Foot and the other “Long Necks” are supposed to be Brontosaurs. There was no such thing as a Brontosaurus. Brontosaurus was the name given to an Apatosaurus skeleton with a Camerasaurus skull modified to fill in for its own skull, missing in the original fossil. The animal never existed.
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And on that note, most of the animals in this film were not contemporaries. Tyrannosaurs and Dimetrodon were nearly 160 million years removed, yet they appear in the film on the same day. And Petrie is a flying reptile, not a dinosaur. This film has many taxonomic inaccuracies.

So basically, Little Foot is the equivalent of a Jackalope.

Robert Bakker has argued that two of the known species of Apatosaurus are different enough to warrant a new genus, and then that genus would be called Brontosaurus after the original mock up. However, Little Foot’s skull still resembles the incorrect Camerasaurus skull and such an animal did not exist. Also, sauropods could not speak English.

1. Tyrannosaurs could not swim
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Near the climax of the film, the dinosaur children concoct a plan to murder the Tyrannosaurus in a preemptive ambush. Normally I would comment on how morbid that is, but given that this is a Tyrannosaur we are talking about, I should hope our children do the same.

It is the official stance of the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement that it is a good thing for children to hatch murder plots against Tyrannosaurs.
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Anyway, the plan is to knock the Tyrannosaur into deep water because he will then drown. The logic behind this idea is that Tyrannosaurs have short arms, and thus are not useful in aqueous locomotion.

It looks like a goddamn crocodile. Huge, muscular tail. Streamlined body. Powerful legs. Tyrannosaurus, just by looks alone, could definitely swim. If you don’t buy that, there is also fossil evidence of swimming Tyrannosaurs.

The dinosaur children’s plan is flawed for many reasons (risky bait, reliance on the cunning of animals with brains the size of walnuts, unreliable signaling methods). But trying to kill a Tyrannosaur by assuming it will drown instantly in deep water is incredibly foolish. Never trust a Tyrannosaur to drown. Never trust a Tyrannosaur.

A much more reliable means of killing a Tyrannosaur preemptively would be to hit it with a nuclear warhead. It is the official stance of the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement that it is morally acceptable for children to nuke large theropods.

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