Tag Archives: Therapods

4 Ways that Inappropriate Workplace Relationships Ruined Everything in Jurassic World

Nothing I have read covering Jurassic World seems to really grasp what went wrong in the new theme park. Every reviewer seems to be heckling Owen and Claire (yeah, Chris Pratt and Bryce Howard had character names in JW… I had to look them up)  for being old timey caricatures who belong in 1940’s B-flicks. I get that, but to what extent did they actually contribute to the Jurassic World meltdown itself? In fact, how much did Masrani (Irrfan Khan) and Hoskins (Wiliam Fisk) really contribute?

The thing is, this incompetent gaggle of crudely drawn idiots didn’t directly cause Jurassic World to fail. It is a much more insidious evil construct that we must ultimately accuse.

That’s right, as usual, inappropriate workplace relationships are to blame- the out-out-damned-spot of the corporate world.

1. Learn how to DELEGATE

raptor-Jimmy-Fallon

Oh man, nobody in this movie properly delegates. You can’t delegate your family time to British Fran Drescher. I get that we needed more lame characters to be eaten by dinosaurs for the freaks who love watching dinosaurs and nazis and aliens win stuff in movies, but don’t send the kids off with them. This was a major bullet point of the first movie. Everybody knows that in these movies, if you end up with the kids and you are some sort of unpopular stereotype, you are dino-chow. So send the kids with somebody else, Bryce! The nice guard from Orange is the New Black was right there in the office, and you went with Super-Nanny?

You must delegate your helocoptering to a PILOT if you are CEO of a violent monster ranch, because if you crash and Wilson Fisk takes over everything is fucked. Ugh. If you have a monster ranch and you know that you are in business dealings with the Kingpin, wouldn’t you realize that you must A) stay alive and B) name several successors? Successors who don’t fight Daredevil? And then you go out and fly a whirly bird over the place where you keep your lizard bats? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING IRRFAN?!?!?!

You can’t delegate ironically warning about things to Jimmy Fallon instead of Jeff Goldblum. Jimmy Fallon’s entire job on this planet is to introduce old people to The Roots so that they will be less afraid of black people. He isn’t there to warn about things, he is there to make instrument driven hip-hop acceptable to people who like Ronald Reagan (as an actor). Jeff Goldblum, on the other hand, is able to explain ethically terrifying science while seducing you. He also make goofy guttural noises. Plus, unlike Jimmy Fallon, HE DOESN’T CONSTANTLY LOOK INTO THE CAMERA.

2. Palling around with Dinosaurs

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In general, you are taking a risk if you hang out with your co-workers beyond the occasional company social outing. There are some exceptions, of course. Some jobs are really only survivable if workers are conditioned together like the human resources equivalent of The Golden Band. Usually, though, you don’t want to be besties with the people who are competing with you for promotions and sales (unless you view yourself as an office Judas type).

In Jurassic World, there was no respect for that divide whatsoever. I’m not just talking about the red-pill nonsense of Chris Pratt and Bryce Howard’s exchange at Chris’s… fishing hut or whatever that place he lived was supposed to be. I’m talking about Chris Pratt and his raptor buddies. He’s the alpha? How did they know how to run in exact time and formation with his goofy dirtbike?

You know they went cruising together. You know he took those lizards out to the freaking tiki bar at least once. You can tell because there is a very specific kind of friendship that bros who go to tiki bars on motorcycles develop.

A bro will have your back, but only if it has been a really rough night and he knows he has to either stick up for you briefly or else everybody dies. That’s tiki bar motorcycle bro commitment right there. But you know how a huge dangerous drunken moron can convince a bunch of bros to do something really stupid if they are already pumped up? Say, pumped from motorcycle show boating? This is exactly what happened in the movie. And it got half of everybody killed by Indomitus Rex, who is the dinosaur equivalent of modern day Screech at a bar, in that I am pretty sure he isn’t real and he will literally knife you.

3. Treating Tyrannosaurus like your neglected best friend from high school

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We have learned many lessons about T. rex from these movies. T. rex doesn’t want to be fed, it wants to hunt. Don’t try to steal baby T. rex or else mommy T. rex and easily enraged redneck daddy T. rex will come and kill you in your trailer home. The T. rex you can attract with children and pee are not the prime specimen of T. rex and will likely be killed by buff, more conservative apex predators if imprisoned together.

T. rex in these films are a metaphor for people who go too hard in early adulthood. Bryce Howard’s character is a cringe inducing stereotype of a career woman, who stereotypically shed a lot of friends like this in order to pursue her MBA in… Dinosaur Management and Jungle Fashion. Apparently. (It really isn’t a good script.)

So throughout Jurassic World, she’s trying to coddle T. rex, putting them in controlled environments to meet the kids at a safe distance because she KNOWS what happens when you let them babysit (we’re in the car again). That’s a bullshit way to treat your old friends at work, even if they aren’t highly successful professionally because they are gigantic flesh eating monsters (blame the emergence of Seagrams Escapes for that).

Oh, but who still has your back when that nut job stalker won’t leave you and your family alone?

Bryce didn’t even have to say please or remember T. rex’s birthday.

4. Hiring therapods to do critical jobs

no raptors

Don’t hire employees that actively try to kill and eat you. GOD WHY DID I JUST HAVE TO TYPE THAT?

How many times in this movie do the cartoon raptors try to kill a person before the motorcycle scene? Like, 4 times? How many times did you try to commit homicide in front of your future employer?

The attempted murders don’t convince Wilson Fisk that raptors are bad job candidates, though. Oh no, he wants them to be weapons. Indominus rex might even have been bred for the purpose of weapons testing. Wilson Fisk is a nutter in this movie.

Why on Earth would you think you have to breed dinosaurs into scarier, scalier, more dangerous monsters in order to make them effective killers? If anything, Wilson Fisk and BD Wong should have toned them down a little in case the FLESH EATING MONSTERS they are trying to turn into GERMAN SHEPHERDS decide to commit more homicides. Besides, nature already made scarier raptors than Velociraptor with simple trial and error evolution, just like everything else. They turned out way scarier. Remember Balaur? Why don’t these movies have Balaur?

Anyway, that’s not the point, don’t hire things that want to kill and eat you to be your employees. That goes for T. rex, velociraptors, and millennials.

 

Anyway, subscribe or send me letters defending inter-office relations or buy my t-shirt. Those are your choices.

What dinosaur will be your undoing?

Conservative Dinosaur Readiness advocates, I present you with:

all images in this post credit Ryan Martin, with many thanks

all images in this post credit Ryan Martin, with many thanks

  1. Dinosaurs have come back to rule the earth. What's your first reaction?





  2. A pack of Saurophaganax have moved into your neighborhood.





  3. Your cousin "Big Louie" is trapped at the gas station, which is surrounded by Crylophosaurs.





  4. Lambeosaurs are eating your front lawn.





  5. Finally, what is your greatest resource?





Alright, this goofy post took me (seriously, no joke) three weeks to put together due to technical challenges, artistic challenges, and constant paranoia of IMMINENT DINOSAUR DESTRUCTION. So you better enjoy it and tweet about it or facebook it or whatever.

Much thanks to Ryan Martin for his work on this post.

Stop Giving Dinosaurs Cool Names

Rhinorex. Dreadnoughtus. Kryptodrakon. Are these the awesome XBOX Live handles of your teenaged cousin? No. They are names of newly discovered prehistoric monsters.

Listen up, scientists.  You need to stop naming dinosaurs such cool things. I know you feel underappreciated and you want your work to be recognized, but think of the children. Children are already exposed to enough pro-dinosaur rhetoric as it is. Why do you insist on naming dinosaurs such cool things? Are you trying to make children idolize dinosaurs? Are you cigarette salesmen? Is the next sauropod discovery going to be Joecamelsaurus?

“But Editor,” I bet you’re saying out loud to the screen, “We have to name dinosaurs something. If you’re so smart, why don’t you name them for us.”

GLAD YOU ASKED, SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY!

What follows is a list of suggested uncool names for future dinosaur discoveries.

 

Giant Sauropod

 

Humilisaurus “Low Self-Esteem Lizard”

Bromolentus “The Stinking Lazy One”

Oscularisordidosaurus “The Sloppy Kissing Lizard”

 

Theropod

 

Deinohalitus “Terrible Breath”

Donald Rumsfeld  “Donald Rumsfeld”

Redditophaganax “Internet Shit Eating Master”

 

Ceratopsian

 

Praetereoceratops “Totally Skippable Horned Face”

 

Ornithomimid

 

Hoobastankomimus “Emo Mimic”

 

Hadrosaur

 

Molestanasaurus “Boring Duck Lizard”

Weepydontis “Weepy Toothed”

 

hoobastankomimus

I want to impress upon you, scientists, your responsibility to the people in making sure these names are used. No more Harry Potter references. No more “super best most awesome lizard king” bullshit Latin names, just because they sound cool. Name dinosaurs responsibly.

Do you want to send me angry emails about giving dinosaurs cool names? Shoot me mail here. I also appreciate subscriptions and when you buy my mugs.