Tag Archives: Raptors

4 Ways that Inappropriate Workplace Relationships Ruined Everything in Jurassic World

Nothing I have read covering Jurassic World seems to really grasp what went wrong in the new theme park. Every reviewer seems to be heckling Owen and Claire (yeah, Chris Pratt and Bryce Howard had character names in JW… I had to look them up)  for being old timey caricatures who belong in 1940’s B-flicks. I get that, but to what extent did they actually contribute to the Jurassic World meltdown itself? In fact, how much did Masrani (Irrfan Khan) and Hoskins (Wiliam Fisk) really contribute?

The thing is, this incompetent gaggle of crudely drawn idiots didn’t directly cause Jurassic World to fail. It is a much more insidious evil construct that we must ultimately accuse.

That’s right, as usual, inappropriate workplace relationships are to blame- the out-out-damned-spot of the corporate world.

1. Learn how to DELEGATE

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Oh man, nobody in this movie properly delegates. You can’t delegate your family time to British Fran Drescher. I get that we needed more lame characters to be eaten by dinosaurs for the freaks who love watching dinosaurs and nazis and aliens win stuff in movies, but don’t send the kids off with them. This was a major bullet point of the first movie. Everybody knows that in these movies, if you end up with the kids and you are some sort of unpopular stereotype, you are dino-chow. So send the kids with somebody else, Bryce! The nice guard from Orange is the New Black was right there in the office, and you went with Super-Nanny?

You must delegate your helocoptering to a PILOT if you are CEO of a violent monster ranch, because if you crash and Wilson Fisk takes over everything is fucked. Ugh. If you have a monster ranch and you know that you are in business dealings with the Kingpin, wouldn’t you realize that you must A) stay alive and B) name several successors? Successors who don’t fight Daredevil? And then you go out and fly a whirly bird over the place where you keep your lizard bats? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING IRRFAN?!?!?!

You can’t delegate ironically warning about things to Jimmy Fallon instead of Jeff Goldblum. Jimmy Fallon’s entire job on this planet is to introduce old people to The Roots so that they will be less afraid of black people. He isn’t there to warn about things, he is there to make instrument driven hip-hop acceptable to people who like Ronald Reagan (as an actor). Jeff Goldblum, on the other hand, is able to explain ethically terrifying science while seducing you. He also make goofy guttural noises. Plus, unlike Jimmy Fallon, HE DOESN’T CONSTANTLY LOOK INTO THE CAMERA.

2. Palling around with Dinosaurs

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In general, you are taking a risk if you hang out with your co-workers beyond the occasional company social outing. There are some exceptions, of course. Some jobs are really only survivable if workers are conditioned together like the human resources equivalent of The Golden Band. Usually, though, you don’t want to be besties with the people who are competing with you for promotions and sales (unless you view yourself as an office Judas type).

In Jurassic World, there was no respect for that divide whatsoever. I’m not just talking about the red-pill nonsense of Chris Pratt and Bryce Howard’s exchange at Chris’s… fishing hut or whatever that place he lived was supposed to be. I’m talking about Chris Pratt and his raptor buddies. He’s the alpha? How did they know how to run in exact time and formation with his goofy dirtbike?

You know they went cruising together. You know he took those lizards out to the freaking tiki bar at least once. You can tell because there is a very specific kind of friendship that bros who go to tiki bars on motorcycles develop.

A bro will have your back, but only if it has been a really rough night and he knows he has to either stick up for you briefly or else everybody dies. That’s tiki bar motorcycle bro commitment right there. But you know how a huge dangerous drunken moron can convince a bunch of bros to do something really stupid if they are already pumped up? Say, pumped from motorcycle show boating? This is exactly what happened in the movie. And it got half of everybody killed by Indomitus Rex, who is the dinosaur equivalent of modern day Screech at a bar, in that I am pretty sure he isn’t real and he will literally knife you.

3. Treating Tyrannosaurus like your neglected best friend from high school

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We have learned many lessons about T. rex from these movies. T. rex doesn’t want to be fed, it wants to hunt. Don’t try to steal baby T. rex or else mommy T. rex and easily enraged redneck daddy T. rex will come and kill you in your trailer home. The T. rex you can attract with children and pee are not the prime specimen of T. rex and will likely be killed by buff, more conservative apex predators if imprisoned together.

T. rex in these films are a metaphor for people who go too hard in early adulthood. Bryce Howard’s character is a cringe inducing stereotype of a career woman, who stereotypically shed a lot of friends like this in order to pursue her MBA in… Dinosaur Management and Jungle Fashion. Apparently. (It really isn’t a good script.)

So throughout Jurassic World, she’s trying to coddle T. rex, putting them in controlled environments to meet the kids at a safe distance because she KNOWS what happens when you let them babysit (we’re in the car again). That’s a bullshit way to treat your old friends at work, even if they aren’t highly successful professionally because they are gigantic flesh eating monsters (blame the emergence of Seagrams Escapes for that).

Oh, but who still has your back when that nut job stalker won’t leave you and your family alone?

Bryce didn’t even have to say please or remember T. rex’s birthday.

4. Hiring therapods to do critical jobs

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Don’t hire employees that actively try to kill and eat you. GOD WHY DID I JUST HAVE TO TYPE THAT?

How many times in this movie do the cartoon raptors try to kill a person before the motorcycle scene? Like, 4 times? How many times did you try to commit homicide in front of your future employer?

The attempted murders don’t convince Wilson Fisk that raptors are bad job candidates, though. Oh no, he wants them to be weapons. Indominus rex might even have been bred for the purpose of weapons testing. Wilson Fisk is a nutter in this movie.

Why on Earth would you think you have to breed dinosaurs into scarier, scalier, more dangerous monsters in order to make them effective killers? If anything, Wilson Fisk and BD Wong should have toned them down a little in case the FLESH EATING MONSTERS they are trying to turn into GERMAN SHEPHERDS decide to commit more homicides. Besides, nature already made scarier raptors than Velociraptor with simple trial and error evolution, just like everything else. They turned out way scarier. Remember Balaur? Why don’t these movies have Balaur?

Anyway, that’s not the point, don’t hire things that want to kill and eat you to be your employees. That goes for T. rex, velociraptors, and millennials.

 

Anyway, subscribe or send me letters defending inter-office relations or buy my t-shirt. Those are your choices.

Great News: Dinosaur Descendents Stupider than Toddlers

This week we have a guest report by esteemed movement supporter Marten Dollinger. Check out his other work here, and here.

Studies Show Dinosaur Descendents Stupider than Toddlers (Mostly)

Caledonian Crows are all the talk of avian studies, lately; they’ve been observed to use tools and make inferences. However, a team of psychologists recently discovered an important flaw in crows’, and consequently dinosaurs’, thought process: they cannot come up with a novel behavior after watching some simple cause and effect reactions. This particular leg-up on the birds is fantastic news for the movement, since 70 percent of even the smallest and squishiest of humans can do that. Also, when the dinosaur apocalypse comes, that figure will likely rise to 100 percent due to natural selection.

What the heck does that even mean, you ask? Well, the experiment was pretty simple. The scientist set up a chain reaction in which dominos knock over a rock, which falls on a see-saw, which gives the subject a treat. The crows are pretty bright, they could easily figure out to start knocking over dominos. The next part was to give the birds and humans a version of the chain reaction that doesn’t have the dominos after observing the chain-reaction one several times. Toddlers worked out they could just drop the rock straight in and not have any need for all those dominos. The birds were lost without the domino effect, one just picked up the rock, put it down, and then flew away and cried tiny bird tears, longing for the simple observed dominos that made it feel so smart.

idiot crow

Now, to turn this meaningful study into some actionable advice: incorporate Rube Goldberg contraptions into the raptor-proofing methods you already apply to your own home. We have covered the basics of raptor-proofing before, but these can be greatly improved upon by adding a layer of complexity that dastardly theropods may think they can navigate. They’ll watch the springs and wires and counterweights interact that allow you safe passage into your fortified structure, and think they can get the drop on you like they did poor Muldoon. Meanwhile, you’ll remove an integral piece of the system, and they’ll get dropped into one of your many spike pits instead. Clever girl, indeed.

Update: do NOT incorporate a moat into your defenses. It might take them a while, but it’s only a matter of time before the raptors figure out how to roll boulders into it, flood your entire bunker, and devour you like so many Goldfish brand cheddar crackers.

5 Terrifying Raptors that Disprove Creationism

Dromaeosaurs and Deinonychosaurs, the beasts we refer to as “Raptors”, are among the scariest animals to have ever walked the Earth. But did you know that they also disprove Creationism in really scary, murderous ways? Examining the horrible methods of these feathery fiends, a logical person can see graphically violent demonstrations against the fallacious reasoning of Young Earth Creationism. So strap on your adult diapers and prepare to be educated by some of the most heinous serial killers of the Mesozoic.

5. Deinonychus

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Dinosaurs! WTF? has covered Deinonychus before, but we failed to cover one of the Deinonychus’ nastiest hunting behaviors. See, Creationists like to argue that wings held no evolutionary advantage before they were capable of flight. Not only is this assertion wrong, it also fails to appreciate the pure murderous tenacity of nature. Wings, even in a pre-flight stage, are incredibly useful to lithe carnivores like Deinonychus for a nasty behavior called “mantling”.

Mantling is when a raptor (and including the modern raptors) digs its killing claws into a larger prey animal (say a deer or a protoceratops or you) and then rides them into the ground like a mechanical bull at a cheap steakhouse. Proto-wings are incredibly useful for the carnivore’s balance in this practice. Being able to mantle a larger animal protects the attacker from retaliation, and drives the killing claws into the vital organs and blood vessels. Modern birds use this for the same reasons, as well as to keep others from stealing small prey.

Deinonychus, an animal roughly the size of a tiger, likely used its proto-wings in exactly this manner. This gave animals who were not gliders an advantage in developing wings. The origins of flight are murder. Are you surprised? Really?

4. Archeroraptor

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Archeroraptor is on this list because it shows just how far adaptability can progress. Archeroraptor displays numerous evolutionary adaptations as well as evidence for cross continental migration. Far from being “designed”, this is an animal that was constantly adapting up until the major extinction event that freed Earth from the Age of Dinosaurs.

To fit into the ecosystem in which it was discovered, Archeroraptor’s ancestors would have had to migrate from Asia (it was discovered in Montana.) This was a feathered, flightless animal with proto-wings that had adapted to serve it in a niche alongside the likes of Tyrannosaurus Rex, Triceratops, and other late cretaceous heavy hitters.

Its prey was likely small mammals, carrion, bugs, and other small dinosaurs. It was specialized in eating our mammalian ancestors, and it was a close relative of Velociraptor. Basically, if evolution wasn’t the origin of this species, there is no reason why it would exist. So Creationists probably think Satan put the fossils in Montana, which honestly is the most believable part of Young Earth Creationism.

3. Dromaeosaurus

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Dromaeosaurus was a different kind of raptor from the others in the lightweight class, such as Velociraptor and Saurornitholestes. Adaptation requires animals to specialize differently than their close relatives if they are going to live concurrently, kind of like how you can’t be a famous actress because while you are certainly pretty and talented, your sister is prettier and more talented and already has an agent so thank God you are good at math.

Dromaeosaurus was built to hunt with its jaws just as efficiently as its killing claws. Its teeth and jaws were heavier and more suited to dealing killing blows than the other raptors, and its neck was strong and flexible. It had highly developed eyesight and could also hunt by smell.

That’s evolution for you. These Tyrannosaurus-like traits allowed it to fill a different niche than its cousins. Of course, this niche still involved murder. That’s just how raptors roll. You don’t start finding vegetarian philosophy major raptors until you get into the weirdos of the family like maniraptors like Therizinosaurus or Segnosaurus. And frankly, I have my doubts about their intentions.

2. Balaur

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This deadly raptor would have made Darwin very worried about his discoveries on Galapagos. Balaur was a raptor confined to an island. Raptors, being relatively small compared to other dinosaurs, were well suited to become peak predators on islands. Small animals tend to thrive in smaller environments. But how is a knife wielding nut-job raptor supposed to get a “leg up” on the other crumb-bum knife wielding nutters?

Balaur’s evolutionary adaptation was simple. Carry more knives. Double the knives, in fact. Balaur had not one, but two huge retractable buck-knife claws on each foot. During an ancient era where every creature was carrying heat, this beast developed even more heat. It was the banana republic drug lord of the age of dinosaurs. The island couldn’t support a bigger predator, but surely it could find room for more weaponry, right?

Yes. It could. And nature would reward those who carried more weapons with progeny.
Remember, according to Creationism, this was a peaceful herbivore before the flood. Bullshit.

“Oh, what are you doing with all those knives, Balaur?” Noah would have asked.
“Oh gee, Noah, I’m just paring vegetables for everyone. Totally not murdering small prey in droves to feed my absurdly numerous brood of slasher movie villains.”

1. Utahraptor

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In the early Cretaceous, the Allosaurs were becoming much less prominent and the Tyrannosaurs had not yet figured out their business plan. So there was a slight lack of animals trying to eat the later members of the giant Sauropod clique.
Enter Utahraptor.

One of the earliest raptors ever discovered, Utahraptor was built to be a Sauropod killing machine. Unlike its later cousins, Utahraptor was big and powerful, over 19 feet long, with leg bones twice the thickness of Deinonychus. It had longer claws than the other raptors, scaled for comparison, but by far the nastiest advantage it had was its killing claw.

The killing claw on Utahraptor was 14 inches long and curved less inward than the claws of later raptors. This was a long slashing weapon, longer than a bowie knife, longer than a dagger.

Utahraptor was a pack hunter that excelled at bringing down dinosaurs like Sauroposeiden, a larger relative of Brachiosaurus that was 100 feet long.

Of course, Young Earth Creationism wants you to think that this creature lived around the same time as Sophocles. Try to imagine Sophocles trying to write “Oedipus Rex”, and not mentioning that Utahraptors were a serious problem.

OEDIPUS
When the ruling king had fallen in this way,
what bad trouble blocked your path, preventing you
from looking into it?

CREON
It was the fucking Utahraptors—
Are you serious right now? Everywhere we go
to put aside something we found obscure
there are like thirty Utahraptors gouging faces.

YEAH I REALLY BET NO ONE WOULD HAVE MENTIONED UTAHRAPTORS.

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