Tag Archives: Raptorproof

4 Ways that Inappropriate Workplace Relationships Ruined Everything in Jurassic World

Nothing I have read covering Jurassic World seems to really grasp what went wrong in the new theme park. Every reviewer seems to be heckling Owen and Claire (yeah, Chris Pratt and Bryce Howard had character names in JW… I had to look them up)  for being old timey caricatures who belong in 1940’s B-flicks. I get that, but to what extent did they actually contribute to the Jurassic World meltdown itself? In fact, how much did Masrani (Irrfan Khan) and Hoskins (Wiliam Fisk) really contribute?

The thing is, this incompetent gaggle of crudely drawn idiots didn’t directly cause Jurassic World to fail. It is a much more insidious evil construct that we must ultimately accuse.

That’s right, as usual, inappropriate workplace relationships are to blame- the out-out-damned-spot of the corporate world.

1. Learn how to DELEGATE

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Oh man, nobody in this movie properly delegates. You can’t delegate your family time to British Fran Drescher. I get that we needed more lame characters to be eaten by dinosaurs for the freaks who love watching dinosaurs and nazis and aliens win stuff in movies, but don’t send the kids off with them. This was a major bullet point of the first movie. Everybody knows that in these movies, if you end up with the kids and you are some sort of unpopular stereotype, you are dino-chow. So send the kids with somebody else, Bryce! The nice guard from Orange is the New Black was right there in the office, and you went with Super-Nanny?

You must delegate your helocoptering to a PILOT if you are CEO of a violent monster ranch, because if you crash and Wilson Fisk takes over everything is fucked. Ugh. If you have a monster ranch and you know that you are in business dealings with the Kingpin, wouldn’t you realize that you must A) stay alive and B) name several successors? Successors who don’t fight Daredevil? And then you go out and fly a whirly bird over the place where you keep your lizard bats? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING IRRFAN?!?!?!

You can’t delegate ironically warning about things to Jimmy Fallon instead of Jeff Goldblum. Jimmy Fallon’s entire job on this planet is to introduce old people to The Roots so that they will be less afraid of black people. He isn’t there to warn about things, he is there to make instrument driven hip-hop acceptable to people who like Ronald Reagan (as an actor). Jeff Goldblum, on the other hand, is able to explain ethically terrifying science while seducing you. He also make goofy guttural noises. Plus, unlike Jimmy Fallon, HE DOESN’T CONSTANTLY LOOK INTO THE CAMERA.

2. Palling around with Dinosaurs

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In general, you are taking a risk if you hang out with your co-workers beyond the occasional company social outing. There are some exceptions, of course. Some jobs are really only survivable if workers are conditioned together like the human resources equivalent of The Golden Band. Usually, though, you don’t want to be besties with the people who are competing with you for promotions and sales (unless you view yourself as an office Judas type).

In Jurassic World, there was no respect for that divide whatsoever. I’m not just talking about the red-pill nonsense of Chris Pratt and Bryce Howard’s exchange at Chris’s… fishing hut or whatever that place he lived was supposed to be. I’m talking about Chris Pratt and his raptor buddies. He’s the alpha? How did they know how to run in exact time and formation with his goofy dirtbike?

You know they went cruising together. You know he took those lizards out to the freaking tiki bar at least once. You can tell because there is a very specific kind of friendship that bros who go to tiki bars on motorcycles develop.

A bro will have your back, but only if it has been a really rough night and he knows he has to either stick up for you briefly or else everybody dies. That’s tiki bar motorcycle bro commitment right there. But you know how a huge dangerous drunken moron can convince a bunch of bros to do something really stupid if they are already pumped up? Say, pumped from motorcycle show boating? This is exactly what happened in the movie. And it got half of everybody killed by Indomitus Rex, who is the dinosaur equivalent of modern day Screech at a bar, in that I am pretty sure he isn’t real and he will literally knife you.

3. Treating Tyrannosaurus like your neglected best friend from high school

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We have learned many lessons about T. rex from these movies. T. rex doesn’t want to be fed, it wants to hunt. Don’t try to steal baby T. rex or else mommy T. rex and easily enraged redneck daddy T. rex will come and kill you in your trailer home. The T. rex you can attract with children and pee are not the prime specimen of T. rex and will likely be killed by buff, more conservative apex predators if imprisoned together.

T. rex in these films are a metaphor for people who go too hard in early adulthood. Bryce Howard’s character is a cringe inducing stereotype of a career woman, who stereotypically shed a lot of friends like this in order to pursue her MBA in… Dinosaur Management and Jungle Fashion. Apparently. (It really isn’t a good script.)

So throughout Jurassic World, she’s trying to coddle T. rex, putting them in controlled environments to meet the kids at a safe distance because she KNOWS what happens when you let them babysit (we’re in the car again). That’s a bullshit way to treat your old friends at work, even if they aren’t highly successful professionally because they are gigantic flesh eating monsters (blame the emergence of Seagrams Escapes for that).

Oh, but who still has your back when that nut job stalker won’t leave you and your family alone?

Bryce didn’t even have to say please or remember T. rex’s birthday.

4. Hiring therapods to do critical jobs

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Don’t hire employees that actively try to kill and eat you. GOD WHY DID I JUST HAVE TO TYPE THAT?

How many times in this movie do the cartoon raptors try to kill a person before the motorcycle scene? Like, 4 times? How many times did you try to commit homicide in front of your future employer?

The attempted murders don’t convince Wilson Fisk that raptors are bad job candidates, though. Oh no, he wants them to be weapons. Indominus rex might even have been bred for the purpose of weapons testing. Wilson Fisk is a nutter in this movie.

Why on Earth would you think you have to breed dinosaurs into scarier, scalier, more dangerous monsters in order to make them effective killers? If anything, Wilson Fisk and BD Wong should have toned them down a little in case the FLESH EATING MONSTERS they are trying to turn into GERMAN SHEPHERDS decide to commit more homicides. Besides, nature already made scarier raptors than Velociraptor with simple trial and error evolution, just like everything else. They turned out way scarier. Remember Balaur? Why don’t these movies have Balaur?

Anyway, that’s not the point, don’t hire things that want to kill and eat you to be your employees. That goes for T. rex, velociraptors, and millennials.

 

Anyway, subscribe or send me letters defending inter-office relations or buy my t-shirt. Those are your choices.

How to Fight a Raptor

In this article, Persius Q. Lumbar, expert mixed species martial arts instructor, has provided helpful commentary on how to fight a raptor in hand-to-claw close quarters combat. Dinosaurs!WTF? would like to extend humble thanks for his input.

 

Mr. Lumbar is an experienced animal combatant, known in the animal fighting world for victories against bulls, shrews, and the ravenous wild turkey. The following conversation has been transcribed, edited, and illustrated.

 

How to Fight a Raptor

 

Lumbar: Firstly, it should be understood that fighting a dinosaur in close quarters is absolutely not recommended. Raptors, in particular, were amazingly competent warriors… probably.

 

Ed: Well, we are looking at a worst case scenario here. If the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness movement should fail in its mission to keep the various political powers that be from resurrecting dinosaurs-

 

Lumbar: Yes, yes, things would be pretty grim, then. Bad news bears. I fight bears. Anyway, the first thing you want to do to prepare is lift a bunch of kettle bells whilst growing a manly goatee.

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Ed: Really?

 

Lumbar: Obviously. Lets review the basic threats and techniques.

Threat 1. Man Against a Leaping Assault by Deinonychus

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Lumbar: Do not, under any circumstance, allow a Deinonychus to gain the high ground. In all likelihood, however, it already has by the time you realize you will need to fight a Deinonychus. Your first instinct might be to punch the incoming raptor in its soft underbelly. Raptors, however do not have soft underbellies like men do. This is actually a serious evolutionary flaw in mammals. Raptor ribcages extend over the belly, by punching the belly, you would find yourself with a broken hand seconds before you are torn limb from limb like a soft pretzel.

 

Ed: Well that isn’t very helpful.

 

Lumbar: Shh.

 

Technique 1. The Handstand Donkey Berates the Farmer

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Lumbar: This ancient Tai Chi technique, wherein the warrior kicks out his back legs visciously-

 

Ed: Like a donkey?

 

Lumbar: Like a handstand donkey. This technique will allow a warrior to utilize his superior reach and handstand strength against the lightly built carnosaur. Should the technique be used correctly, whist the raptor is in mid-flight, it will be knocked away with great force.

 

Ed: Interesting.

 

Lumbar: Everything that saves your life is interesting. Thus I recommend your readers try to do twenty or so handstand push-ups daily, to maximize the effect of this technique.

 

Threat 2. Man’s Head Within the Jaws of Deinonychus

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Lumbar: Do not allow a raptor to put your head in its mouth.

 

Ed: Okay…

 

Lumbar: Carnosaurs, with a few exceptions, had very impressive force behind their bite. A raptor could crush your head like a Honda crushes my son’s favorite model aeroplane.

 

Ed: Just… just like that?

 

Lumbar: Exactly like that.

 

Technique 2. The Monkey Plucks the Banana

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Ed: Oh god.

 

Lumbar: This technique, from the Tai Chi Master Jared Fitzpatrick, requires precise timing and a willingness to be puked on by a raptor. The warrior, seeing that the raptor has left its tongue and epiglottis exposed by is attempt to fit a human head in its mouth, grasps the tongue and punches back into the raptor’s throat.

 

Ed: Wouldn’t the raptor just bite off your arm?

 

Lumbar: No, it will be too busy puking.

 

Threat 3. The Deinonychus Lashes Out with a Deadly Kick

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Lumbar: Now you have the advantage. The raptor sees you as a threat! Your intimidating posture! Your rippling bisceps! Perhaps it sees its own death in the pattern of your facial hair.

 

Ed: Sure.

 

Lumbar: It lashes out at you with its killing claw, trying to count the folds of your intestines with its meat hook feet!

 

Ed: Relax.

 

Lumbar: You relax!

 

Technique 3. The Orangutan Wrenches the Branch in Twain

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Ed: What’s with you and apes?

 

Lumbar: In this technique, the warrior utilizes the light build of his birdlike opponent and his superior upper body flexibility to turn the raptor’s deadly kick into an incredibly painful hyperextension of the inner thighs. Grabbing the raptor’s out-thrust leg and wrenching it into the air, the warrior then pulls apart the raptor’s legs in a way God never intended.

 

Ed: I don’t think God intended any of this.

Threat 4. The Joust

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Lumbar: A Deinonychus may try a charging head butt, hoping to scare you into freezing or to knock you off balance. Once the raptor knocks you down, it’s curtains for you. Raptors are incredible ground fighters, with blazing fast rabbit kicks and twisting, serpentine bites!

 

Ed: So how do you stop an animal as fast as a horse from head butting

you?

Technique 4. The Ram Rebukes the Stepchild

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Ed: That’s terrible.

 

Lumbar: The warrior must remember that he has the weight advantage. When the raptor charges with a headbutt, you dive and meet it with your own! Your skull is just as thick as a raptor’s, if not moreso! Leap forward and drive your forehead into its snout.

 

Ed: A spear? Like the illegal football tackle?

 

Lumbar: Precisely.

 

Ed: That’s illegal because it causes severe neck injuries. It hurts everyone involved, even whering scientifically advanced helmets and padding.

 

Lumbar: You know what else causes severe neck injuries? Raptors.

 

Threat 5. Never Gloat Over a Fallen Raptor Corpse

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Lumbar: A dead raptor is probably faking.  Just like the vicious kitten, a raptor is just as deadly lying down as it is standing up. A fallen raptor will try to lure you into making the mistake flexing victoriously or posing for photos. That’s where the expression ‘playing raptor’ comes from.

 

Ed: I have never heard that expression. And I run this website.

 

Lumbar: You have to make sure that the raptor is dead.

 

Ed: Well, good interview, thanks for-

 

Technique 5. The Capuchin Bludgeons the Sleeping Clown

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Ed: Another violent monkey.

 

Lumbar: This technique, invented by Capoeira Mestre Bimba and honed by me, is the only way to be sure that a fallen raptor is actually dead. Granted, you have beaten a raptor soundly if you have utilized even two of the four previous techniques, but raptors are resilient.

 

Ed: Uh huh.

 

Lumbar: You’ll need a baseball bat. I prefer one made out of aluminum.

 

Ed: Uh huh.

 

Lumbar: Then you beat the raptor with the baseball bat until you can barely tell what it used to be.

 

Ed: What is your problem?

 

Lumbar: You know? I am starting to doubt your devotion to this cause.

 

Ed: Sometimes people like you make me wonder.

 

Thanks for reading. If you liked this failure of an interview, subscribe! If you liked the art by William Moore, buy his awesome t-shirts and visit his webcomic.

 

5 Easy Ways to Raptor-Proof Your Home or Workplace

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Is the home or workplace that you occupy up to date with the latest in Raptor security? Would you like to continue living and working there, while also remaining alive? Winter is the perfect season for home improvements, so let’s take a few minutes to review a few easy ways you can save yourself and your family and your coworkers and your dog from a terrifying evisceration at the hands of Dromaeosauridae.

This topic is so dated that I’m going to subtitle it “Chains We Can Believe In”. Anyway, this article had to happen, because there is not at present a good guide for Raptor-Proofing one’s home aside from the XKCD comic showing a totally unsecured bungalow. I should know because I checked. A LOT.

Nobody reads until after the first number, I’ll just get going.

 

5. COVER EVERY POSSIBLE PERCH IN RAZOR WIRE

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This is the obvious first step. Science isn’t sure if all the big raptors like Deinonychus and Utahraptor spent much time in trees, but the smaller ones definitely did. And the big ones could at least jump. So what you need is to make your home or workplace an area denial weapon. Raptors will have a harder time pouncing on and rending your coworkers and loved ones if they are tangled in razor wire.

While you’re at it, invest your savings into companies that produce razor wire. Why can’t one hand wash the other? If you are invested in razor wire stock, you will have more money for razor wire. Plus, you can push the razor wire lobbying companies to push less for new prisons and youth detention centers and more for the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement’s congressional bill “Raptor-Proof our Future: A Comprehensive Plan to Cover All Schools and Places of Business with Razor Wire”.

The problem with razor wire is that it isn’t particularly lethal, and the more hateful breeds of Dromaeosauridae will probably just become angrier and more determined to destroy you. So with that in mind…

 

4. YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH PIKES

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You just can’t top a wall of pikes. Literally. Anything you put up there will be impaled. Start by lining all of the borders of your home or workplace with thirteen foot long oaken spears. Make sure they are posted at about a 60 degree angle outward. This is the optimum angle for raptor impalement. When the raptors try to leap over your razor wire, they will be impaled on the pikes. When the raptors rally to attack the wall of pikes, well won’t you be glad you invested in enough razor wire to have a second lair of fortification?

If your building codes allow it, try digging pits and putting pikes at the bottom of them. A couple of good, fifteen foot pits with a couple of pikes at the bottom will be a delightful surprise for any raptor that manages to get past the second lair of razor wire.

Now that your yard or corporate park is fortified, it’s time to think about the interior.

 

3. START DIGGING

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Remember that indoor pool you always dreamed of as a child? Well, your own concrete emergency cellar will be kind of like that, except instead of water it will be filled with the bare essentials for human life.

A physically fit individual can expect to complete the digging of an underground bunker in about a year, given a ten hour work day. If you have a friend or employee, you can cut that time down significantly. If you start digging now, you’ll be that much closer to an anti-raptor fortress within the foundation of your own home!

Once you have dug out your bunker, you will need to line it with concrete. This can be accomplished with molds or cinderblocks. You might be tempted to hire a concrete contractor to fill it in for you, but that would be foolish. What if the Dinosaur Apocalypse happens and you were one of the few to prepare? Then every contractor who you let bid on your bunker will be coming around, begging for salvation. No thank you! And there’s always a worse option: What if the contractor is actually a Deinonychus? So trust nothing and no one except for yourself and your lucky razor wire spool pile. Save a few cubic meters of bunker space for board games and chalk. Who knows how long you’ll be down there?

 

2. SET FIRES

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“But Editor,” you might find yourself saying, “how can I be sure that the raptors will forsake us for a lost cause once the Dinosaur Apocalypse happens?”

The answer to that, friends, is fire. Raptors naturally do not like being on fire, because their feathery war crests tend to smolder. Once you have a concrete subterranean fortress, pile up your furniture and non-essential belongings outdoors. When the Dinosaur Apocalypse happens, or you suspect it might, set these piles on fire and lock yourself in your bunker for about six years. These pyres will serve as a warning for all who try to molest your compound.

That warning says, “Go back! Go back! Only spikes and blades and fire dwell here! Flee or be doomed, yon raptor fiends!

 

1. HAVE FUN!

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The most important part of any hyper conservative survivalist plan is to have fun doing it. What’s the point of surviving the Dinosaur Apocalypse if you’re mopey? Try these ideas:
-Gently poke fun at people who will likely be eaten by Deinonychus because they are not prepared.
-Whistle while you hone your spear tips. I like to whistle Tracy Chapman songs.
-Draw and imprint fun things into your concrete fortifications while they dry. How tall was Timmy when the wall was built? Look how cute Kitty’s paw print is!
-Use books advocating Creationism as fuel for your doom-pyres. Creationist lies burn all kinds of fun colors, and their smoke is as black as their hearts. They can’t spread their deceitful ignorance if their ideas are all burned!
-Name the raptors that you see trying to break through your defenses and make up fun stories about their social lives. Blood Tooth loves Missy Murder Pants, but Missy Murder Pants loves One Eyed Devil Fang. Slashy Pete is too weak willed to be pack leader, don’t you think?

Anyway, I’m sure you will all have your own ideas for raptor-proofing your lives, but I hope these helped. Subscribe if you want, and if you have your own raptor-proofing tips, share them with me on twitter with the hashtag #raptorproof. Thanks to Ryan Martin for the art and input on this article (and the site in general).