Tag Archives: Paranoia

4 Ways that Inappropriate Workplace Relationships Ruined Everything in Jurassic World

Nothing I have read covering Jurassic World seems to really grasp what went wrong in the new theme park. Every reviewer seems to be heckling Owen and Claire (yeah, Chris Pratt and Bryce Howard had character names in JW… I had to look them up)  for being old timey caricatures who belong in 1940’s B-flicks. I get that, but to what extent did they actually contribute to the Jurassic World meltdown itself? In fact, how much did Masrani (Irrfan Khan) and Hoskins (Wiliam Fisk) really contribute?

The thing is, this incompetent gaggle of crudely drawn idiots didn’t directly cause Jurassic World to fail. It is a much more insidious evil construct that we must ultimately accuse.

That’s right, as usual, inappropriate workplace relationships are to blame- the out-out-damned-spot of the corporate world.

1. Learn how to DELEGATE

raptor-Jimmy-Fallon

Oh man, nobody in this movie properly delegates. You can’t delegate your family time to British Fran Drescher. I get that we needed more lame characters to be eaten by dinosaurs for the freaks who love watching dinosaurs and nazis and aliens win stuff in movies, but don’t send the kids off with them. This was a major bullet point of the first movie. Everybody knows that in these movies, if you end up with the kids and you are some sort of unpopular stereotype, you are dino-chow. So send the kids with somebody else, Bryce! The nice guard from Orange is the New Black was right there in the office, and you went with Super-Nanny?

You must delegate your helocoptering to a PILOT if you are CEO of a violent monster ranch, because if you crash and Wilson Fisk takes over everything is fucked. Ugh. If you have a monster ranch and you know that you are in business dealings with the Kingpin, wouldn’t you realize that you must A) stay alive and B) name several successors? Successors who don’t fight Daredevil? And then you go out and fly a whirly bird over the place where you keep your lizard bats? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING IRRFAN?!?!?!

You can’t delegate ironically warning about things to Jimmy Fallon instead of Jeff Goldblum. Jimmy Fallon’s entire job on this planet is to introduce old people to The Roots so that they will be less afraid of black people. He isn’t there to warn about things, he is there to make instrument driven hip-hop acceptable to people who like Ronald Reagan (as an actor). Jeff Goldblum, on the other hand, is able to explain ethically terrifying science while seducing you. He also make goofy guttural noises. Plus, unlike Jimmy Fallon, HE DOESN’T CONSTANTLY LOOK INTO THE CAMERA.

2. Palling around with Dinosaurs

LG4p9WL

In general, you are taking a risk if you hang out with your co-workers beyond the occasional company social outing. There are some exceptions, of course. Some jobs are really only survivable if workers are conditioned together like the human resources equivalent of The Golden Band. Usually, though, you don’t want to be besties with the people who are competing with you for promotions and sales (unless you view yourself as an office Judas type).

In Jurassic World, there was no respect for that divide whatsoever. I’m not just talking about the red-pill nonsense of Chris Pratt and Bryce Howard’s exchange at Chris’s… fishing hut or whatever that place he lived was supposed to be. I’m talking about Chris Pratt and his raptor buddies. He’s the alpha? How did they know how to run in exact time and formation with his goofy dirtbike?

You know they went cruising together. You know he took those lizards out to the freaking tiki bar at least once. You can tell because there is a very specific kind of friendship that bros who go to tiki bars on motorcycles develop.

A bro will have your back, but only if it has been a really rough night and he knows he has to either stick up for you briefly or else everybody dies. That’s tiki bar motorcycle bro commitment right there. But you know how a huge dangerous drunken moron can convince a bunch of bros to do something really stupid if they are already pumped up? Say, pumped from motorcycle show boating? This is exactly what happened in the movie. And it got half of everybody killed by Indomitus Rex, who is the dinosaur equivalent of modern day Screech at a bar, in that I am pretty sure he isn’t real and he will literally knife you.

3. Treating Tyrannosaurus like your neglected best friend from high school

seagrams

We have learned many lessons about T. rex from these movies. T. rex doesn’t want to be fed, it wants to hunt. Don’t try to steal baby T. rex or else mommy T. rex and easily enraged redneck daddy T. rex will come and kill you in your trailer home. The T. rex you can attract with children and pee are not the prime specimen of T. rex and will likely be killed by buff, more conservative apex predators if imprisoned together.

T. rex in these films are a metaphor for people who go too hard in early adulthood. Bryce Howard’s character is a cringe inducing stereotype of a career woman, who stereotypically shed a lot of friends like this in order to pursue her MBA in… Dinosaur Management and Jungle Fashion. Apparently. (It really isn’t a good script.)

So throughout Jurassic World, she’s trying to coddle T. rex, putting them in controlled environments to meet the kids at a safe distance because she KNOWS what happens when you let them babysit (we’re in the car again). That’s a bullshit way to treat your old friends at work, even if they aren’t highly successful professionally because they are gigantic flesh eating monsters (blame the emergence of Seagrams Escapes for that).

Oh, but who still has your back when that nut job stalker won’t leave you and your family alone?

Bryce didn’t even have to say please or remember T. rex’s birthday.

4. Hiring therapods to do critical jobs

no raptors

Don’t hire employees that actively try to kill and eat you. GOD WHY DID I JUST HAVE TO TYPE THAT?

How many times in this movie do the cartoon raptors try to kill a person before the motorcycle scene? Like, 4 times? How many times did you try to commit homicide in front of your future employer?

The attempted murders don’t convince Wilson Fisk that raptors are bad job candidates, though. Oh no, he wants them to be weapons. Indominus rex might even have been bred for the purpose of weapons testing. Wilson Fisk is a nutter in this movie.

Why on Earth would you think you have to breed dinosaurs into scarier, scalier, more dangerous monsters in order to make them effective killers? If anything, Wilson Fisk and BD Wong should have toned them down a little in case the FLESH EATING MONSTERS they are trying to turn into GERMAN SHEPHERDS decide to commit more homicides. Besides, nature already made scarier raptors than Velociraptor with simple trial and error evolution, just like everything else. They turned out way scarier. Remember Balaur? Why don’t these movies have Balaur?

Anyway, that’s not the point, don’t hire things that want to kill and eat you to be your employees. That goes for T. rex, velociraptors, and millennials.

 

Anyway, subscribe or send me letters defending inter-office relations or buy my t-shirt. Those are your choices.

How to Vote like A DinoCon

Conservative Dinosaur Readiness is a complex, multifaceted collection of beliefs and totally realistic, temperate fears. Our movement is also severely underrepresented in mainstream politics. So how does one vote in the present political landscape in order to best assert (what I am now calling) DinoCon values?

I was recently confronted with the abysmal farce of a movement known as ‘PaleoConservativism.’ I recognized that, in addition to our under-representation, we also have to deal with confusion between our movements. PaleoCons would suggest that they are the Classic Coke of conservatism. But it shares more with that syrupy abomination, New Coke. Founded in the 80’s, with saccharine ideals like ‘civil society’ (read: 7th Heaven family values) and Old Right Pat Buchanan comb-over philosophies, it too should be wary of its associations with Bill Cosby. PaleoCons are about as Paleo as the diet, they are fake, based more on The Flintstones than sound observational thinking about the past. In plainer English, fuck them, I wanted to nickname our movement “PaleoCons” but they took the name and fucked it all up. *hrumph*

So now, we are the DinoCons. We are the grassroots cultural resistance force seeking to prevent the seemingly imminent dinosaur resurrection event through concise political rhetoric and clear thinking. We know that in order to survive, humanity must shore up the dam against the dinosaur tides while preparing for their eventual collapse.

Our platforms:
“Science Good”
How do you prepare for an enemy that hides in prehistory? How do you predict the ways it will seek to emerge? You have to understand science. The feralization of selectively bred poultry? The re-evolution of Tyrannosaur phenotypes? Our questions and hunches don’t just need to be asked, they need to be the top priority for our leaders. That’s why DinoCons take the stance that science is good. Therefore, the enemies of science are bad. Let it be known that no politician will ever receive the backing of The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement without a Bachelor’s in Science from an accredited university. Want our votes? Go get the degree. By the time you’re done, maybe you’ll also learn a thing or two about student debt.

“Dinosaurs Bad”
Dinosaurs come from a time in our Earth’s (yes, OUR EARTH) history when survival was about how many butcher knives you could grow out of your body and how quickly you could insert them into the bodies of other living things. Much like a child raised by religious TapouT enthusiasts, they became violent zealots, drunk on death. Dinosaurs were produced by an environment whose major exports were lava and dunkleosteus. They were the savage tyrants of this world for hundreds of millions of years, and you better believe they would do it all again if they could. Only by a concentrated global political effort will humanity prevent that. We vote for candidates who take strong stances against dinosaur resurrection.

What does that all mean?

That means strict control of the poultry industry, focusing on the elimination of capitalist factory farming. We need to have access to poultry, because it is important to the human diet, but we need to stop being brutal about it (STOP GIVING CHICKENS A REASON TO KILL US) and we need to stop maximizing monetary profit over the security of our food source.

That means better funding of scientific research and public science education. Where will the money come from? Literally anything else, but particularly administrator savings and the wealthy. Politicians, government bureaucrats, and corporate officers should be separated from their savings, and that savings should go to science. Why? Because if that money isn’t in the economy, it isn’t preventing the dinosaur apocalypse. Hedge funds, investments, and any salary over 100 grand have something in common: they require a dinosaur free future in order to be spent.

That means an end to governmentally privileged religions. You can believe whatever hooey you want, but you still have to pay taxes so dinosaurs won’t consume humanity.

Finally, that means a strong pro-environmental stance. The best thing going for our world right now is our quickly disappearing ice age. However, the new left capitalists are doing their damnedest to heat up this planet as fast as they possibly can and frack up as much land as they can buy. You know who likes high global temperatures and shifting continental plates? FUCKING DINOSAURS. Big Business is basically terraforming the planet for dinosaurs.

Hopefully, this clears up what we will be looking for in the 2015/2016 elections. Any comments or questions on our stances can be left in the comments below, I will answer them in an update.

Subscribe unless you are a PaleoCon. PaleoCons can click here.

Leonard Nimoy and Neil Gaiman and the Most Anti-Dinosaur Comic Imprint Ever

With the sad passing of Leonard Nimoy, I thought I might collect and share some weird literary history. See, this here happened back before Star Trek experienced its recent resurgence in popularity, before Neil Gaiman was openly recognized as the brilliant writer he really isn’t, before geek culture was cool and then cliché and then whiny. These days were known as the 90’s, and aside from Bill Clinton’s NATO bombing of a couple of hospitals in Kosovo (“dual-use” targets), it was a pretty good time.

Back in those days, Leonard Nimoy and Neil Gaiman contributed to Tekno Comix, a comic book publisher that was devoted to Anti-Dinosaur rhetorical exercises. Seriously, 30% of their titles were about how bad it would be if Dinosaurs [fill in the blank]. And that was because Leonard Nimoy, Neil Gaiman and Isaac Asimov were way ahead of their time and knew that some day we would have to deal with political questions of Dinosaur Readiness as a society. (Neil Gaiman promptly stopped being ahead of his time after the 90’s, but whatever.) The two titles best titles were Nimoy’s PriMortals and Gaiman’s Teknophage.

Yes, I had these as a child. Yes, they probably contributed to my dinosaur hating world view. Thank god, right?

PriMortals was Nimoy’s concept. So you got these aliens, right? And they make first contact with humanity, and the lead alien is like–
“Listen, we actually run around granting sentience to randos every now and again. Sometimes we invent people, sometimes we fuck up real bad. You guys seem… eh, but remember how I was saying we fuck up sometimes? Yeah, dinosaurs.”
So you have this giant superpowered dinosaur with genius intelligence running around breaking chains on all the comics covers while humanity is still trying to figure out wtf just happened.
Republican party was like Lewinski > Kosovo
Nimoy allegedly talked through the premise with Asimov, which sort of blows my mind. I mean, if Roddenberry had still been alive, he would have recorded that chat and made Loulie Jean Norman sing the remix. How awesome would that have been? It would have been like–

Nimoy: “The aliens have experimented on dinosaurs in visits previous. Now one of the dinosaurs is upset about that. Its emotions are… mad.”
Asimov: “Oh! Make it a moral conundrum! Oh man! Make it SO CHALLENGING ETHICALLY!”
Nimoy: “And then that would be challenging ethically for the humans. Their emotions would be… sad… happy… mad.”
Asimov: “WHAT COULD YOU EVEN ETHICALLY THINK WITH IMMORTAL INTELLIGENCE?!?!?!?!”
Nomoy: “The alien’s facial structure would be angular.”
Norman: “wooooOOOOOOOO AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHH!

Yes. That would have been how it would have happened. Anyhoo. The moral of the story was that you probably shouldn’t give infinite intelligence to dinosaurs. I took this lesson to heart.

Neil Gaiman’s Teknophage… you’re going to think I’m making this up. First, because it sounds exactly like Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement propaganda. Secondly, because you will have a hard time imagining Neil Gaiman writing something other than goth nostalgia. Teknophage was about a Tyrannosaurus who is literally the capitalist plutocratic overlord of a planet. He is a businessman Tyrannosaurus. He rules with teeth and the almighty dollar. Look, he even wears a little suit.
Does he look more like Donald Trump or Mitt Romney?
When someone pissed him off, Henry (the dinosaur businessman is named Henry) would swallow them whole and partially digest them for a few hours. Then he would spit them back up and they’d be all gooey and acid burned. It was totally metal.

Somehow this comic company didn’t particularly succeed; Tekno only lasted about two years. Leonard Nimoy’s characters fared the best, getting a tie-in novel and a bitchin’ interactive CD-ROM. But I know what you’re wondering.

Was there a crossover battle between Nimoy’s alien and Henry?

OF COURSE THERE WAS.

God save you, 1996. Anyone who can send me a scan of the inside of PriMortals #15, I will post the battle on here.

Thanks for reading. If you enjoyed today’s entry, subscribe or whatever. Also, you can send me a letter. I am a little backed up right now but I do read all the mail I get. Do you need a pint glass? How come no one else remembers the Kosovo missions? The hospital bombing was on friggin’ TV and everything.

What dinosaur will be your undoing?

Conservative Dinosaur Readiness advocates, I present you with:

all images in this post credit Ryan Martin, with many thanks

all images in this post credit Ryan Martin, with many thanks

  1. Dinosaurs have come back to rule the earth. What's your first reaction?





  2. A pack of Saurophaganax have moved into your neighborhood.





  3. Your cousin "Big Louie" is trapped at the gas station, which is surrounded by Crylophosaurs.





  4. Lambeosaurs are eating your front lawn.





  5. Finally, what is your greatest resource?





Alright, this goofy post took me (seriously, no joke) three weeks to put together due to technical challenges, artistic challenges, and constant paranoia of IMMINENT DINOSAUR DESTRUCTION. So you better enjoy it and tweet about it or facebook it or whatever.

Much thanks to Ryan Martin for his work on this post.

To Dig and Wait: Honor Our Mammal Ancestors

Did you forget about dinosaurs and all that? I suppose that can happen when I don’t stoke the fires of anti-dinosaur fear rhetoric for a month. Well, my ability to survive the snow with my fur and warm blood and social intelligence spurred me back to action, and I come tolling the bell of remembrance for those mammals that survived to beget our great, dinosaur-free society.

arch of dino triumph
Recently a discovery has been made by science-types that really illustrates the struggle of mammals during the tyranny of dinosaur rule. Scientists discovered a muddy imprint fossil that shows three footprint tracks: a dinosaur, a reptile, and a mammal. The footprints lead to a riverbank where the three likely went to drink.

The discovery fills in a bit of the mammal narrative that has been forgotten all these long years. You might interpret these prints as three creatures going about their business but I see something far harsher. This fossil tells the story of a mammal sneaking a drink of life sustaining water in a world dominated by terrifying dinosaurs that outweighed it by hundreds of times, and reptiles that were diverse enough to glide around the skies and hunt through the ocean depths. This was an ancestor of ours. A ferret of freedom. A weasel of the future. It lived in a world of tyranny and fear.

You see, people like to forget about the fact that mammals came up on the wrong side of the Cretaceous extinction event. We didn’t have it easy. Mammals had no safety on the surface of the earth. We had to burrow and hide for millions of years. We had to survive on what the dinosaurs left to be scavenged. We had to wait until, by a stroke of luck, those tyrants died of something that didn’t happen to kill us.

There are some people who would tell you that mammal survival is a bootstrap narrative. That we worked hard, and gained dominance of this planet through long hours and thankless labor. That is not true. One day, a rock literally fell from the sky and killed those ancient selfish tyrant lizards, and then we got a chance to grow among the ashes. The tyrannical monsters who controlled all of the safety and resources on the surface of the Earth died because they couldn’t adapt to living with nothing, like they had forced us to do.

It’s easy these days to think about dinosaurs as a has-been threat, a boogie monster from long ago. But we must never forget the valiant struggles of the mammalian race. You’ll find the story is very familiar.

Take heart as you remember the struggle for resources in a land ruled by ancient, seemingly invincible tyrants; remember that you are still capable of burrowing and waiting. It is your mammal heritage, to burrow and wait. Sometimes burrowing and waiting is all you will have. When tyrants hold all the lush green wealth of the Earth, it is impossible to distribute it in any way that makes sense, while they still live. And those tyrants will try to draw you out of your burrow, they will try to claim they represent evolutionary progress. They will tell you there is plenty of room in the world, but you have to remember that they want to eat you. They want to gobble you up whole and forget you ever existed. That’s what tyrants do.

Dig and wait. You may never be granted your karmic retribution space rock, but at least they won’t eat you and you can develop social intelligence and creativity and all the other shit those resource hoarding tyrants miss out on. I mean, when you get down to it, they’re just a bunch of dinosaurs, anyway.

Subscribe! Who knows, maybe I’ll post again.

Stop Giving Dinosaurs Cool Names

Rhinorex. Dreadnoughtus. Kryptodrakon. Are these the awesome XBOX Live handles of your teenaged cousin? No. They are names of newly discovered prehistoric monsters.

Listen up, scientists.  You need to stop naming dinosaurs such cool things. I know you feel underappreciated and you want your work to be recognized, but think of the children. Children are already exposed to enough pro-dinosaur rhetoric as it is. Why do you insist on naming dinosaurs such cool things? Are you trying to make children idolize dinosaurs? Are you cigarette salesmen? Is the next sauropod discovery going to be Joecamelsaurus?

“But Editor,” I bet you’re saying out loud to the screen, “We have to name dinosaurs something. If you’re so smart, why don’t you name them for us.”

GLAD YOU ASKED, SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY!

What follows is a list of suggested uncool names for future dinosaur discoveries.

 

Giant Sauropod

 

Humilisaurus “Low Self-Esteem Lizard”

Bromolentus “The Stinking Lazy One”

Oscularisordidosaurus “The Sloppy Kissing Lizard”

 

Theropod

 

Deinohalitus “Terrible Breath”

Donald Rumsfeld  “Donald Rumsfeld”

Redditophaganax “Internet Shit Eating Master”

 

Ceratopsian

 

Praetereoceratops “Totally Skippable Horned Face”

 

Ornithomimid

 

Hoobastankomimus “Emo Mimic”

 

Hadrosaur

 

Molestanasaurus “Boring Duck Lizard”

Weepydontis “Weepy Toothed”

 

hoobastankomimus

I want to impress upon you, scientists, your responsibility to the people in making sure these names are used. No more Harry Potter references. No more “super best most awesome lizard king” bullshit Latin names, just because they sound cool. Name dinosaurs responsibly.

Do you want to send me angry emails about giving dinosaurs cool names? Shoot me mail here. I also appreciate subscriptions and when you buy my mugs.

5 Ways Triceratops is Mocking Humanity

Triceratops is one of the most recognizable dinosaurs. It is frequently cited by misguided children as their “favorite dinosaur” (ugh). But Triceratops really doesn’t need any more ego boosting. Its head is already huge. And what does it do with all of its success and popularity? It mocks you. Triceratops is mocking you because it thinks it is better than you. Let’s consider all the ways it is flaunting its good fortune over humanity.

Thanks to Will Moore for the art.

Thanks to Will Moore for the art.

5. Triceratops was a survivor.

 

Are you walking around with a label on your shirt that says something about your clothes company or brewery being established some time in the last millennia? Jeez, no wonder Triceratops is so smug. While you walk around acting like the survival of a college since 1809 is some great accomplishment, Triceratops is gloating over a reign of 2 million years. Closing out the age of dinosaurs, on top of that.

So yeah, don’t go around posting that your bar was established in 2010 and expecting Triceratops to be impressed. For one, its tiny brain couldn’t understand the concept of things being established for calendar years that are labeled with written language. But more importantly, your accomplishment is stupidly insignificant compared to ceratopsian longevity.

 

4. Triceratops had supportive friends.

 

Triceratops is also laughing at you because of your useless wuss friends. Your friends would suggest that they ‘have your back for real, bro’, but they are puny worthless cowards compared to Triceratops friends.

If you got in trouble with the drug cartels, would your buddies fight the gangsters with you? No. No, they would not. They would sit there chewing on kale chips and watching netflix and casually feigning concern.

Now imagine that the gangsters were Tyrannosaurs. Triceratops friends were all over that shit. They would travel and feed in groups and take on Tyrannosaurs like it was routine. That’s why Triceratops is so friggin’ self righteous about everything, and why it laughs at you every time you have trouble finding a friend willing to drive you home from dental surgery.

 

3. Triceratops was a confident open carry practitioner.

 

There is nothing more easily mocked by Triceratops than a human gun rights protester.

Human gun rights protesters go to Tim Horton’s in awkward groups of fourteen or so, trying to hold homemade signs about “Pry This From My Cold Dead Hands, ‘Bama” while brandishing squirrel poppin’ guns. Or maybe they stand out on the town hall lawn of a town that barely requires a hall to govern, and wave around vaguely legal assault weaponry while chanting about snakes that are unhappy about being stepped on. Does that behavior suggest confidence to you?

Because Triceratops did not require a Tim Horton’s as a stage for its weapons displays. Triceratops was so IN-YOUR-FACE with its weaponry, that it literally wore them on its face. Constantly. Triceratops was so confident with weapons that scientists argue whether the gun rack on its head actually mattered for self defense at all, or if it was just there for sex appeal and the cool factor.

The literal cool factor, I mean. It might have functioned to regulate body temperature. But anyway, the point is Triceratops did not give a fuck on such a scale that makes Charlton Heston seem like he was basically ambivalent on the gun question.

 

2. Triceratops had community child care.

 

Okay, well maybe you figure that people don’t need to be tough survivor-fighter types. Maybe you figure that humans can take the moral high ground, with our advanced simian social support systems.

Wrong again, stupid monkey.

Here in the United States, human beings can’t even agree that maternity leave from full-time employment is a thing that should exist. Ceratopsians not only protected their young, they may have done so communally. Triceratops females may have even worked together to protect juveniles.

Now, remember, a juvenile Triceratops also had giant horns and was far from defenseless. Compare this to the way humans send unarmed, squishy youths to violent drug-ridden public schools, and then try them as adults in court when they end up assaulting people. And you wonder why Triceratops has a chip on its shoulder.

 

1. Triceratops life was not consumed by bills, student loan debt, or unfair part-time wages.

 

Triceratops spent its time roving the plains, eating whatever looked good, fighting crazy monsters, and competing for sexual attention. Just roamin’, chillaxin’, ballin’. Living the dream.

Look at you. You have nothing but restrictions on your time. When was the last time you had any freedom whatsoever? You have to decide whether or not you can afford to spend $3 to put chicken on your salad at T.G.I. Fridays, because you are not sure you’ll be able to make your $335 student loan payment if you do.

Do you think Triceratops ever worried about that? No. It did whatever the hell it wanted. It didn’t order salad off of menus, the whole world was its salad. And if Sallie Mae had been around to try and restrict the disbursement of that salad, it would have ended up trampled and gored.

There’s really no question why Triceratops is mocking you, humanity. #sorrynotsorrytops

Thanks for reading. Subscribe here, or don’t. Triceratops didn’t subscribe. You could send me a note, but Triceratops never writes. When are you going to stop measuring your accomplishments by those of a 65 million years dead ceratopsian?

Dinosaurs! WTF? 1st Anniversary Celebration Super Post

It’s like a cheesy clip show on a variety hour, except paranoid.

Happy 1st Anniversary, Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement. Dinosaurs! WTF? turned one year old this summer. And with all the dinosaur hatred it has spread, all the paranoia it has exacerbated, and all of the hilariously classy woodcuts it has spawned, I cannot say I have any regrets. Except that I don’t have a book deal yet.

This post is a post of celebration. I will be celebrating the great collaborations sent in by the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement and its supporters by naming my favorite community contributions. There will also be a delightful photo section of all of the disturbing, godless tributes to dinosaurs I have found in my year long expedition to route out all of the dinosaur sympathizers in our society.

But let’s not forget this blog’s humble beginnings as a phony newsletter I sent to my friend Cheryl. Here is a photo for those of you who have never stopped by my office.

olddwtf

Wow, what a piece of crap. How far we have come.

Now, on to the Movement supporters who need to be recognized and possibly incarcerated.

Best Comments of the Year

Anyone who wins a Comment of the Year is entitled to a free home raptor proofing evaluation. Send me an email to collect your prize.

Most Ethically Correct Comment of the Year

HAWK of Madscience

“The important question is: “Does [Therizinosaurus] still taste like chicken?” I’ll agree that he is coming to kill us all, but I’m building a barbecue for the 6′ chicken legs.”

Thanks, Hawk, collect your prize. Check out Hawk’s blog for some equally WTF science commentary.

Most Openly Insane Comment of the Year

Hitsu123 from parts unknown

“Dear Lumbar,

I just wanted to say that your defense teachings recently saved my life, as well as my friend’s. A few hours ago after reading this manual, I was attacked by three Coral-Striped Utah Raptors whilst walking to my University’s Library. We were surrounded and shocked at their sheer speed and, as you said, they got the high ground on us before we knew we were being attacked…”
Full comment here.

Thanks, Hitsu. This comment was really weird. Collect your prize.

Most Inappropriately Analytical Comment of the Year

Matthew Hecht from Outsurvive

“4) [The Land Before Time migration] is a metaphor for seeking religion (going towards the sun), and they are feuding with other species is a metaphor for fighting like Baptist vs. Methodist fighting and Catholic vs. Protestant. Sharptooth is Satanic attacks. Bluth actually uses deep morals designed to change his audience.”
Full comment here. It’s a doozy.

Thanks, Matt. Read more of Matthew Hechts’s weird analysis of kid’s movies here, on his blog. Collect your prize.

Regular Contributors

There are also some regular contributors who need to be recognized.

Will Moore contributed a great deal to this site through his motivation and excellent cartoons. This is my favorite of his works. Thanks Will.
Kentrosaurus
Ryan Martin has contributed to the promotion of this blog as well as the collection of classy woodcuts that define this site’s look. This is one of my favorites of his designs. Thanks Ryan.

by Ryan Martin

by Ryan Martin

Rachel Baker has contributed to the marketing and cafepress work on this site. She designed this site’s layout and helped me learn how to code for wordpress. Thanks Rachel.

Marten Dollinger has written a few articles for this site, including the last one about crows being idiots. He’s also recommended articles and helped me edit in the past. Thanks, Marten.

Finally, thanks to all of you who have shown your support by reading, subscribing, and sharing.

Here’s to another year of telling dinosaurs they can’t have our planet back yet. Now, play this song in the background while you scan through these pictures.

This image is staged with an animatronic, the apocalypse is not yet upon us.

This image is staged with an animatronic, the apocalypse is not yet upon us.

Kronosaurus is not actually a dinosaur so it's okay to like him.

Kronosaurus is not actually a dinosaur so it’s okay to like him.

I contemplate how to keep them that way.

I contemplate how to keep them that way.

A tribute to dinosaurs ruins an otherwise beautiful scene in Pittsburgh.

A tribute to dinosaurs ruins an otherwise beautiful scene in Pittsburgh.

Great News: Dinosaur Descendents Stupider than Toddlers

This week we have a guest report by esteemed movement supporter Marten Dollinger. Check out his other work here, and here.

Studies Show Dinosaur Descendents Stupider than Toddlers (Mostly)

Caledonian Crows are all the talk of avian studies, lately; they’ve been observed to use tools and make inferences. However, a team of psychologists recently discovered an important flaw in crows’, and consequently dinosaurs’, thought process: they cannot come up with a novel behavior after watching some simple cause and effect reactions. This particular leg-up on the birds is fantastic news for the movement, since 70 percent of even the smallest and squishiest of humans can do that. Also, when the dinosaur apocalypse comes, that figure will likely rise to 100 percent due to natural selection.

What the heck does that even mean, you ask? Well, the experiment was pretty simple. The scientist set up a chain reaction in which dominos knock over a rock, which falls on a see-saw, which gives the subject a treat. The crows are pretty bright, they could easily figure out to start knocking over dominos. The next part was to give the birds and humans a version of the chain reaction that doesn’t have the dominos after observing the chain-reaction one several times. Toddlers worked out they could just drop the rock straight in and not have any need for all those dominos. The birds were lost without the domino effect, one just picked up the rock, put it down, and then flew away and cried tiny bird tears, longing for the simple observed dominos that made it feel so smart.

idiot crow

Now, to turn this meaningful study into some actionable advice: incorporate Rube Goldberg contraptions into the raptor-proofing methods you already apply to your own home. We have covered the basics of raptor-proofing before, but these can be greatly improved upon by adding a layer of complexity that dastardly theropods may think they can navigate. They’ll watch the springs and wires and counterweights interact that allow you safe passage into your fortified structure, and think they can get the drop on you like they did poor Muldoon. Meanwhile, you’ll remove an integral piece of the system, and they’ll get dropped into one of your many spike pits instead. Clever girl, indeed.

Update: do NOT incorporate a moat into your defenses. It might take them a while, but it’s only a matter of time before the raptors figure out how to roll boulders into it, flood your entire bunker, and devour you like so many Goldfish brand cheddar crackers.

A Brief History of Wrong: Young Earth Creationism

Yeah okay I know this post is late, I’ve been working on my Master’s thesis. Cut me some slack. Anyway.

 

Today, in a follow up to our last article, we’ll be tackling the history of Young Earth Creationism. As you’ve seen from our constant analysis of dinosaurs, it is often useful to understand the history of the adversaries of humankind. And these folks are DEFINITELY adversaries of humanity. So let us examine Young Earth Creationism and how this movement has been completely wrong through history.

 

The Bible is not a Crossword Puzzle of Natural History

 

Young Earth Creationists generally believe in an estimate of the Earth’s age based on the chronology works of a nice Irish Archbishop named Ussher. In the 1600’s, Ussher guesstimated that the Earth was created on October 23, 4004 BC based on the Bible and what was known about ancient history at the time. His calculation was based on a nice even thousand years between the Temple of Solomon and the birth of Jesus Christ, that led to a nice even three thousand between Creation and the Temple. He basically used the Bible as a crossword puzzle to determine the age of the Earth. The numbers were sort of elegant, so they sort of made sense.

 

The problem wasn’t that Ussher was a bad scholar or something, he was just using the wrong source material. Instead of studying the Earth to learn about the Earth, he studied historical accounts and the Bible. You need to study the source material in order to learn about something. You wouldn’t use a TV Guide from 1995 to learn the age of the Earth, either. You read the 1995 TV guide for what was on TV in 1995. And you read the Bible for poetry, violence, and astoundingly bad advice.

 

You Don’t Even Have to Dig Yourself, You Lazy Idiots

 

The YEC movement is not new. While the Earth’s age was anyone’s guess for a long time, the modern debate (and thus the modern YEC movement) got going in the 19th century, when a new scientific field, Geology (at the time called ‘Undergroundology’… yeah, I know) began seriously contradicting literal “interpretations” of the Biblical book of Genesis. Geology’s findings suggested that the Earth was incredibly ancient, magnitudes older than the accepted estimates of the time. Some people disagreed, and thus the YEC movement was born.

 

Young Earth Creationists did not understand that they weren’t just wrong, like you might be wrong about predicting a World Cup, but that they were painfully mistaken based on even the most casual observation of a large hole in the ground. Looking at a deep hole in the ground, one can find evidence of the past, and it is generally arranged in chronological order. And stuff from the time of Solomon is nowhere near the middle. It is very near the top. There are layers and layers of dirt and rock and evidence beneath that time’s artifacts. Thus, the Ussher estimate is wrong. Very simple.

 

But gosh, what if you don’t want to dig the hole? Well thankfully, erosion will dig it for you! Just go to a gorge or a canyon! And then look at the dirt. With your eyes.

 

The “looking at dirt with eyes” method convinced most people of the age of the Earth (at least as far as ‘really old’ verses ‘grandpa might remember’) within about two generations. Oh, but there were still hold outs. And the dead-cat-bounce of these hold out factions are what we are witnessing today.

 

A Basic Understanding of Any Major Field of Science Shows Young Earth is Impossible

 

The modern YEC movement is still directly tied to Ussher’s work, except they are no longer Irish Catholic for the most part (6000 years isn’t enough time to store up that much lingering guilt, right guys?). They have added new beliefs, mostly to try and argue against the overwhelming scientific and immediately observable evidence against their claims.

 

For example, for a long time, the YEC was trying to suggest that fossils were placed in the Earth by Satan, as a hilarious trick to fool humanity. And that’s why they suggest the process of evolution. Satan is really clever, I wouldn’t put that past him. But now, the YEC suggests things like “fossilization is actually really fast” and “micro-evolution exists, but not macro-evolution”. That’s probably because the modern human mind, when presented with the solutions to the natural world’s questions by science, grasps the logic of basic science very quickly. And that basic understanding is all a person needs to disprove Creationism.

 

Similar to the “look at ground with eyes” method, basic understanding of the science anywhere is just as good at coming to the conclusion that YEC is wrong. For example, plate tectonics are easy to understand, easy to measure, and if you live in California, you can go and see it in action on a long weekend. Comparison of what’s found on the land of either side of the Earth shows that the continents were once linked, and if you combine that knowledge with the speed at which continents move, bingo. You know YEC must be wrong.

 

I was taught that lesson in 2nd grade with play-dough and a jigsaw puzzle. By a nun. Simple stuff.

 

So when you see an Australian Evangelical arguing with Bill Nye on TV, remember that you are watching a guy who denies the basic observable reality in which he lives for an outdated slipshod history written by a bored monk in the 1600’s. And that his arguments can be disproven by children and nuns and anyone with the most basic understanding of modern logic.

 

How about you? How were you taught about the natural history of the Earth? Have you ever dabbled in Creationism? Send me letters or subscribe.