Tag Archives: Letters

Reader mail, May 2015

This post was scheduled to come out after the big Chickensaurus post that I am working on, but that one isn’t done yet, so here’s reader mail for the first quarter of 2015. At least they are good letters! Be patient with me.

“Toodles”

-Ed.

 

Tricia writes:

Just thought I’d send a “PROPS!” to you on the website.  I’ve enjoyed the blogs thus far and will be looking forward to some more time to read in the future.
Toodles~
Tricia
Tricia,
Thanks a bunch. I will alert the props department of your donation.
-Ed.
Sharon W. writes:
Hi,I am writing to enquire about the possibility of advertising on your site.
I found your site http://www.dinosaurswtf.com/ and interested in paid post. Let me know if you are interested then I will give you more details.I can offer you best to make it worth your time.

With best regards,
Advertising manager
sharon

I replied:
Hi ‘sharon’,
The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement is not interested in hawking ads for anything less than five figures. We are an extremist political movement, not buzzfeed. You want ads, you can get serious.
Also, I suspect you of being a dinosaur sympathizer.
Thanks,
Editor
She replied:
Hi,I just want to publish my affiliate page on your site so that we will get some revenue and you will get your commission.  You can earn 10% of the sale just by referring people!  That is over $50 per Course!We pay you commission on every sale that comes from your affiliate links.  (this does NOT include the ‘custom services’, so no commissions will be paid on consulting services)
You can not receive commissions on your own orders through your own affiliate link. This is a great way for YOU to make money sharing the benefits of healthy living with others! Right now we will give you US$250 for this participation and to upload the page.

This is our site for affiliation:[deleted]

Let me know then we will send to you a single page for your site.

I replied:
Sharon,
Are you a robot? Did you even read my email?
I’m not interested in $50, or $250.
Five figures. That is the starting price.
She replied:
Hi,I have sent to you a paid ads request few days ago, you did not reply back yet, please let me know if you are interested then I will send you more details.Regards

I replied:
Five figure offers only, Sharon.
Sharon is clearly a dinosaur sympathizer.
Dav writes:
hi editor, my name is dav or dogmoon, ur friend brenna from miami is my friend & she told me about ur rad website, i rly like the humor & critique.  u inspired me to think critically about how our culture utilizes the body of the dinosaur to disseminate ideology thru pop representation of the dinosaur.  ive written two pieces so far that i wanted to share with u, let me know what u think.thanks

-dav or dogmoon

That’s baller as hell, Dav. Send me stuff.
-Ed.
Meghan writes:

Love your website. Its very informative. As a new member of the conservative dinosaur readiness movement i originaly thought dinosaurs were coo! Not any longer. My eyes are open to the threat dinosaurs pose. My question is what is the movement’s stance on eating dinosaurs. Do you think its ok? After all if we eat dinosaurs in the dinosaur apocalypses the number of the scaley (or feathery) fiends will discrease right? If so do you think dinosaurs taste like chicken or turkey or cow?

Sincerly,
Interested
Meghan,
There is actually a good deal of information out there regarding what they tasted like. As far as whether we SHOULD eat them, the answer is very adamantly yes. We should eat all of them. That’s what they would do to us.
-Ed.
See you all next time. Want to send me email? Knock yourself out.

6 Lies fed to us by The Land Before Time

 

This letter showed up for me in my inbox last week.

To the Editor:
So a lot of the plot of Land Before Time revolves around a magical talking leaf, right?  As I recall from my hazy days of being obsessed with dinosaurs in a non-hostile way, our protagonist is a brontosaurus, and surprisingly visionary for his walnut sized brain.  Brontosaurus type things were from the Jurassic period, while flowering plants did not appear until the cretaceous.  The magical talking leaf had travelled in time!

I could be wrong about all of this.

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,
There are not and have never been magical talking leaves. Not even in the Cretaceous. If a leaf ever talks to you, seek medical attention.
From what I understand from the highly confusing plot of The Land Before Time, Little Foot the brontosaurus (shudder) is being guided by the ghost of his mother. There are so many things wrong with the statement that I just typed that I had to wash my hands just now. I think it is about time that the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement addressed The Land Before Time.

Sincerely,
Ed.

These are the 6 most heinous lies fed to us by The Land Before Time, as well as a few things that it (unintentionally) got right.

6. Dinosaur Speciation and Migration are metaphors for the American Dust Bowl

The Land Before Time is the story of young dinosaurs attempting to migrate “west” to the “great valley”.
_The Land Before Time (Ixche).flv_snapshot_00.09.10_[2014.01.10_11.41.07]
Since Disney released Fantasia, it has been a popular misconception that the reign of Dinosaurs ended with a huge, fruitless death march across a dry and barren Earth. This never happened. The image was so popular, however, that it became the ingrained in the imaginations of multiple generations.

The Land Before Time borrows this image, but adds the “hopeful” idea that if the dinosaurs can make it to this lush and temperate valley, they will be fine. There is plenty of food and everyone else is packing up the family to go there. However the dinosaurs are mistrustful of others who are different from them, and they all have American accents. Yeah, it’s the American Dustbowl migration to California.

This entire story concept is morally atrocious. Dinosaur species are not comparable to the minor racial and cultural differences of human beings. Dinosaurs were a highly diverse array of various lizard-bird monsters with enormously different evolutionary differences. People can have slightly varying coloration and cultural identities. People are not of different species. Dinosaurs evolved into vastly different orders and families. Some dinosaurs evolved to eat one another, whereas some people from Oklahoma have accents. Can you see why this is not a useful metaphor?

The problems of the Dustbowl migration stemmed from people being total assholes to one another based on prejudices that were founded on complete bullshit. Dinosaurs migrating in pods based on species is basic flocking behavior.

This metaphor sucks.

5. Dinosaurs have ghosts

A major component of the story in the film is Little Foot following his mother’s guidance to the valley. Often, he is simply remembering her advice. Then he is visited by her ghost in the clouds, like in The Lion King. (Except this predates Lion King. Also Lion King was a ripoff of Kimba the White Lion.)
_The Land Before Time (Ixche).flv_snapshot_00.56.04_[2014.01.10_11.33.25]
Anyway, can you see what is wrong with that idea? It is an official stance of The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement that if there were dinosaur ghosts, we would be pro-dinosaur ghost readiness. However, if dinosaurs had ghosts, we would all be getting murdered by phantasmal deinonychus like, every day.

So clearly dinosaurs do not have ghosts and this scene is founded on a blatant lie.

4. Physics do not apply to dinosaurs

Don Bluth, the director of this and many other animated films, had a very strange way of changing from scene to scene. Instead of the characters doing something normal, like walking, Don Bluth would just throw them. Seriously.

We meet Little Foot as an egg. The egg is stolen and then dropped, and it then rolls around at about 20 mph, crashing into things for what seems like several miles. Then Little Foot is immediately born and has not only suffered zero injuries, he is directly at his mother’s feet. No one present seems to notice.

In another scene, Cera is elaborating on her encounter with the Tyrannosaur and accidentally launches Ducky 90 feet into the air. She crash lands a quarter mile away. No injuries.
_The Land Before Time (Ixche).flv_snapshot_00.34.11_[2014.01.10_11.36.17]
I understand that this is a children’s cartoon, but if you launch Wile E. Coyote a quarter mile he generally requires medical attention. HE WOULD AT LEAST NOTICE.

Why is this such a problem? Why do we need to show our kids good examples of physics applying to dinosaurs?

When your children are attacked by dinosaurs, do you want them to be like, “Oh my god, a dinosaur! Let’s not use ballistic weaponry or anything else physics based on them because it won’t work. I know this because I saw The Land Before Time. We have to wish the dinosaurs away! Wish as hard as you can!”

No, because if your kids do that, then they will be eaten.

Physics definitely apply to dinosaurs, don’t believe Don Bluth.

3. Dinosaurs experience love and remorse

This one really bothers me. See, I can experience emotions because I am a human being. Dinosaurs do not experience emotions. They are cold killing machines.
_The Land Before Time (Ixche).flv_snapshot_00.52.48_[2014.01.10_11.34.11]
In the movie, the dinosaur children are plagued with guilt and shame and all these layers of human childhood emotional complexity. In real life, the dinosaurs would bite off each other’s arms and then take a nap, totally unperturbed. In fact, dinosaurs probably sleep better after biting something’s arm off, because they get sleepy after meals.

The dinosaurs all seem to love and cherish one another, except for the Tyrannosaur who is accurately portrayed as an unfeeling and violent monster. At least they got the Tyrannosaur right. The other dinosaurs, however, just can’t stop feeling things.

Seriously, Little Foot is so wracked with grief at the loss of his mother, he becomes depressive and unresponsive at points in the film. I mean, people do this. Dogs even do it. Dinosaurs, however, and particularly the big herbivores, just didn’t have the brain capacity.

Dinosaurs do not experience human emotions, this film is lying. Do not attribute feelings to dinosaurs or you will be less ready for them. The Diana Ross theme for the movie, however, is excellent. That is because Diana Ross is a human who experiences emotion, and she has a great voice.

2. Brontosaurus existed

Little Foot and the other “Long Necks” are supposed to be Brontosaurs. There was no such thing as a Brontosaurus. Brontosaurus was the name given to an Apatosaurus skeleton with a Camerasaurus skull modified to fill in for its own skull, missing in the original fossil. The animal never existed.
_The Land Before Time (Ixche).flv_snapshot_00.06.12_[2014.01.10_11.32.50]
And on that note, most of the animals in this film were not contemporaries. Tyrannosaurs and Dimetrodon were nearly 160 million years removed, yet they appear in the film on the same day. And Petrie is a flying reptile, not a dinosaur. This film has many taxonomic inaccuracies.

So basically, Little Foot is the equivalent of a Jackalope.

Robert Bakker has argued that two of the known species of Apatosaurus are different enough to warrant a new genus, and then that genus would be called Brontosaurus after the original mock up. However, Little Foot’s skull still resembles the incorrect Camerasaurus skull and such an animal did not exist. Also, sauropods could not speak English.

1. Tyrannosaurs could not swim
_The Land Before Time (Ixche).flv_snapshot_00.54.56_[2014.01.10_11.34.50]
Near the climax of the film, the dinosaur children concoct a plan to murder the Tyrannosaurus in a preemptive ambush. Normally I would comment on how morbid that is, but given that this is a Tyrannosaur we are talking about, I should hope our children do the same.

It is the official stance of the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement that it is a good thing for children to hatch murder plots against Tyrannosaurs.
_The Land Before Time (Ixche).flv_snapshot_00.55.02_[2014.01.10_11.35.08]
Anyway, the plan is to knock the Tyrannosaur into deep water because he will then drown. The logic behind this idea is that Tyrannosaurs have short arms, and thus are not useful in aqueous locomotion.

It looks like a goddamn crocodile. Huge, muscular tail. Streamlined body. Powerful legs. Tyrannosaurus, just by looks alone, could definitely swim. If you don’t buy that, there is also fossil evidence of swimming Tyrannosaurs.

The dinosaur children’s plan is flawed for many reasons (risky bait, reliance on the cunning of animals with brains the size of walnuts, unreliable signaling methods). But trying to kill a Tyrannosaur by assuming it will drown instantly in deep water is incredibly foolish. Never trust a Tyrannosaur to drown. Never trust a Tyrannosaur.

A much more reliable means of killing a Tyrannosaur preemptively would be to hit it with a nuclear warhead. It is the official stance of the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement that it is morally acceptable for children to nuke large theropods.

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SUPER AWESOME NEWS!
Dinosaurs! WTF? Is now offering merchandise. Show your support for The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement with a cool logo t-shirt, an Allosaurus skeleton mug, or Conservative Dinosaur Readiness footie pajamas.
***

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Letters to the Editor and Site Updates

Site Updates

Thanks to those of you who have been tweeting about the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement. We have added a widget to track your tweets so that the movement can grow (thanks, Rachel). Traffic and support for the movement has exploded lately, and that is specifically due to your efforts in spreading the movement. If traffic keeps up like this, I think we can start running Conservative Dinosaur Readiness platform Congressional candidates in the United States by about 2018. So keep tweeting.

Some of you are asking for mugs and t-shirts with the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement logo on them. I was cautious at first, because I worry about you being assaulted by dinosaur sympathizers, but I think we need to defiantly stand against the mainstream. I will be putting together a shop for these items in the coming year.

I received a few comments complaining that the text on the website was too small, so I made it bigger by about 20%. Some nice people offered to give me nicer webfonts, but I am not totally convinced that they are not actually internet savvy Troodonts.

Anyway, let’s get to reader mail before dinosaurs murder us all.

 

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,

What are your thoughts on Therizinosaurus? They are ostensibly herbivorous, but they are also theropods, and we know what they’re like. That plus their gigantic size and the largest claws of any animal ever make them obvious killing machines. Am I being uncharitable or are these creatures as much a threat as their flesh-eating brethren?

Regards,
Suspicious of Talons

Dear Suspicious,
My thoughts are that just because a murderer doesn’t eat its victims doesn’t make it any less of a murderer. Vegans can be murderers, too. In fact, a vegetable loving dinosaur probably murders because it is angry about loving vegetables. I will be covering this creepy Big Bird wannabe in a post soon.

Thanks for the letter,
Ed.

This next fellow reached out to me on Reddit (a cesspool of filth and ignorance):

Sir,

For the record, Peter Larson is one of the few members of the paleontological community who supports Nanotyrannus as a valid taxon. I would like to stress that I personally am not very well versed on this particular issue of whether or not Nanotyrannus is its own species or simply a juvenile T. rex. He is a commercial paleontologist who digs up fossils in order to sell them for profit, and they frequently go into private hands rather than to museums. In fact, the name of his institution, The Black Hills Institute of Geological Research, is fairly misleading because as far as I am aware, and please correct me if I am wrong, they do not actually actively pursue research. This does not mean that he is necessarily wrong, but it is true that at the moment, the scientific community as a whole does not agree with his opinion on this matter. At the same time, this particular debate is one of several all wrapped up in a controversy over “ontogeny” (change and development due to ageing) and how it relates to various species – that is to say that there are several groups of dinosaurs, of which Nanotyrannus and T. rex are one group, which have been hypothesized to be simply different developmental stages of the same animal. The evidence for these claims varies between the groups, and the jury is still out over all on which ones will ultimately be accepted.

-HuxleyPHD

Dear Huxley,
I suggest you read Tyrannosaurid Paleobiology, edited by Currie and Molnar. I think Larsen does a pretty good job defending Nanotyrannus in that book. As far as the Black Hills Institute, I have never visited in person because they keep finding fucking dinosaurs there and I’m not an idiot. Why they continue to keep an office in what is CLEARLY DINOSAUR TERRITORY is beyond me.

Thanks for your comments,
Ed.

Send letters or offer me a book deal already.