Tag Archives: Dinosaurs

4 Ways that Inappropriate Workplace Relationships Ruined Everything in Jurassic World

Nothing I have read covering Jurassic World seems to really grasp what went wrong in the new theme park. Every reviewer seems to be heckling Owen and Claire (yeah, Chris Pratt and Bryce Howard had character names in JW… I had to look them up)  for being old timey caricatures who belong in 1940’s B-flicks. I get that, but to what extent did they actually contribute to the Jurassic World meltdown itself? In fact, how much did Masrani (Irrfan Khan) and Hoskins (Wiliam Fisk) really contribute?

The thing is, this incompetent gaggle of crudely drawn idiots didn’t directly cause Jurassic World to fail. It is a much more insidious evil construct that we must ultimately accuse.

That’s right, as usual, inappropriate workplace relationships are to blame- the out-out-damned-spot of the corporate world.

1. Learn how to DELEGATE

raptor-Jimmy-Fallon

Oh man, nobody in this movie properly delegates. You can’t delegate your family time to British Fran Drescher. I get that we needed more lame characters to be eaten by dinosaurs for the freaks who love watching dinosaurs and nazis and aliens win stuff in movies, but don’t send the kids off with them. This was a major bullet point of the first movie. Everybody knows that in these movies, if you end up with the kids and you are some sort of unpopular stereotype, you are dino-chow. So send the kids with somebody else, Bryce! The nice guard from Orange is the New Black was right there in the office, and you went with Super-Nanny?

You must delegate your helocoptering to a PILOT if you are CEO of a violent monster ranch, because if you crash and Wilson Fisk takes over everything is fucked. Ugh. If you have a monster ranch and you know that you are in business dealings with the Kingpin, wouldn’t you realize that you must A) stay alive and B) name several successors? Successors who don’t fight Daredevil? And then you go out and fly a whirly bird over the place where you keep your lizard bats? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING IRRFAN?!?!?!

You can’t delegate ironically warning about things to Jimmy Fallon instead of Jeff Goldblum. Jimmy Fallon’s entire job on this planet is to introduce old people to The Roots so that they will be less afraid of black people. He isn’t there to warn about things, he is there to make instrument driven hip-hop acceptable to people who like Ronald Reagan (as an actor). Jeff Goldblum, on the other hand, is able to explain ethically terrifying science while seducing you. He also make goofy guttural noises. Plus, unlike Jimmy Fallon, HE DOESN’T CONSTANTLY LOOK INTO THE CAMERA.

2. Palling around with Dinosaurs

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In general, you are taking a risk if you hang out with your co-workers beyond the occasional company social outing. There are some exceptions, of course. Some jobs are really only survivable if workers are conditioned together like the human resources equivalent of The Golden Band. Usually, though, you don’t want to be besties with the people who are competing with you for promotions and sales (unless you view yourself as an office Judas type).

In Jurassic World, there was no respect for that divide whatsoever. I’m not just talking about the red-pill nonsense of Chris Pratt and Bryce Howard’s exchange at Chris’s… fishing hut or whatever that place he lived was supposed to be. I’m talking about Chris Pratt and his raptor buddies. He’s the alpha? How did they know how to run in exact time and formation with his goofy dirtbike?

You know they went cruising together. You know he took those lizards out to the freaking tiki bar at least once. You can tell because there is a very specific kind of friendship that bros who go to tiki bars on motorcycles develop.

A bro will have your back, but only if it has been a really rough night and he knows he has to either stick up for you briefly or else everybody dies. That’s tiki bar motorcycle bro commitment right there. But you know how a huge dangerous drunken moron can convince a bunch of bros to do something really stupid if they are already pumped up? Say, pumped from motorcycle show boating? This is exactly what happened in the movie. And it got half of everybody killed by Indomitus Rex, who is the dinosaur equivalent of modern day Screech at a bar, in that I am pretty sure he isn’t real and he will literally knife you.

3. Treating Tyrannosaurus like your neglected best friend from high school

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We have learned many lessons about T. rex from these movies. T. rex doesn’t want to be fed, it wants to hunt. Don’t try to steal baby T. rex or else mommy T. rex and easily enraged redneck daddy T. rex will come and kill you in your trailer home. The T. rex you can attract with children and pee are not the prime specimen of T. rex and will likely be killed by buff, more conservative apex predators if imprisoned together.

T. rex in these films are a metaphor for people who go too hard in early adulthood. Bryce Howard’s character is a cringe inducing stereotype of a career woman, who stereotypically shed a lot of friends like this in order to pursue her MBA in… Dinosaur Management and Jungle Fashion. Apparently. (It really isn’t a good script.)

So throughout Jurassic World, she’s trying to coddle T. rex, putting them in controlled environments to meet the kids at a safe distance because she KNOWS what happens when you let them babysit (we’re in the car again). That’s a bullshit way to treat your old friends at work, even if they aren’t highly successful professionally because they are gigantic flesh eating monsters (blame the emergence of Seagrams Escapes for that).

Oh, but who still has your back when that nut job stalker won’t leave you and your family alone?

Bryce didn’t even have to say please or remember T. rex’s birthday.

4. Hiring therapods to do critical jobs

no raptors

Don’t hire employees that actively try to kill and eat you. GOD WHY DID I JUST HAVE TO TYPE THAT?

How many times in this movie do the cartoon raptors try to kill a person before the motorcycle scene? Like, 4 times? How many times did you try to commit homicide in front of your future employer?

The attempted murders don’t convince Wilson Fisk that raptors are bad job candidates, though. Oh no, he wants them to be weapons. Indominus rex might even have been bred for the purpose of weapons testing. Wilson Fisk is a nutter in this movie.

Why on Earth would you think you have to breed dinosaurs into scarier, scalier, more dangerous monsters in order to make them effective killers? If anything, Wilson Fisk and BD Wong should have toned them down a little in case the FLESH EATING MONSTERS they are trying to turn into GERMAN SHEPHERDS decide to commit more homicides. Besides, nature already made scarier raptors than Velociraptor with simple trial and error evolution, just like everything else. They turned out way scarier. Remember Balaur? Why don’t these movies have Balaur?

Anyway, that’s not the point, don’t hire things that want to kill and eat you to be your employees. That goes for T. rex, velociraptors, and millennials.

 

Anyway, subscribe or send me letters defending inter-office relations or buy my t-shirt. Those are your choices.

5 Dinosaurs that Prove Millennials are Unemployable Losers

We all know the lazy and entitled generation of wannabe adults currently littering our 18-33 year old age bracket. But did you know that the Millennials seem even crappier when compared to long-extinct megafauna? Let’s pile on to the Me! Generation and pat people over 35 on the back for a little while (and generate several hundred thousand hits, heh heh heh).

 

5. Khaan fits in without making constant pop-culture references

Khaan

Khaan, as a dinosaur, was everything Millennials are not. It was omnivorous, and ate whatever was available and nutritious. It evolved from a long tradition of similar Oviraptorids, because it had the good sense to be classic unironically.

Unlike those picky eating, self obsessed Millennials. If a Millennial tried to find something to eat in the Cretaceous, they would probably be like,
“Oooh, is this lizard gluten-free and locally raised? Is this flowering plant vegan friendly? Oh, I can’t eat eggs because they aren’t ethical and I’m allergic to legumes and I don’t actually know how to cook for myself.”

Khaan would just EAT THE LIZARD. And then his offspring would thrive for thousands of years due to natural selection.

You know what else? Khaan is not a reference to friggin’ Star Trek. Not everything has to be a reference to some nostalgic reboot of some garbage TV show you watched in 1993. Khaan fit in with its contemporaries because of useful physical capabilities, swiftness, and the general good sense to keep out of the way of advanced capitalists, err… predators. You Millennials need to stop with the constant references to your vacant plastic culture (that no one spent billions of dollars drilling into your skull at birth with ad campaigns scientifically calculated for your exact demographic). I can’t walk into a bar anymore without seeing some dolt in a Legend of Zelda shirt and a Batman belt, hogging up the bar TV with Doctor Who when OBVIOUSLY everyone in the bar with any sense would rather be watching FOX News.

God, how are you even old enough to drink?

 

4. Limusaurus actually has marketable skills

Limusaurus_inextricabilis_skeleton

Limusaurus was a tiny beaked ceratosaur that lived in Asia during the Jurassic. It is one of the earliest known theropods to have evolved into an herbivore. This evolutionary development is so similar to adaptations in other prehistoric reptiles that it is considered an excellent example of evolutionary convergence.

That’s because Limusaurus adapted to fill a sensible niche, instead of getting some fruity humanities degree and then moving back to its parents’ couch like those stupid Millennials.

Millennials somehow got this idea that they have unique perspectives that need to be shared with the world instead of just shutting the hell up and working for free. Millennials somehow managed to flood the market with lawyers and computer scientists and educators who have no practical experience doing anything at all. Why the hell do they think that a decade and tens of thousands of dollars worth of formal training in any way compares to the two-five years of experience using “work email internet” held by professionals over 40?

As every Gen-X and Baby Boomer professional knows, computer internet is the one on the screen with the lower-case ‘e’ or the swirly fox world that Cousin Ronnie put there. I’d like to see a fancy state college degree that can tell you that, Millennials.

Millennials need to take a hint from Limusaurus and be very small and unobtrusive while doing something that no one else wants to do, for free.

 

3. Giraffatitan pulled itself up by the bootstraps

800px-Giraffatitan_scale

Giraffatitan was an enormous brachiosaur that lived during the late Jurassic. It was nearly 75 feet long, and possibly weighed as much as 40 tons. It has been cited as a contender for the largest land animal of all time, and full grown Giraffatitans likely had no predators.

An animal doesn’t adapt its way to that sort of massive success overnight. No, it takes millennia and millennia of natural selection. Giraffatitan’s ancestors were lucky if they got a chunk of their tale bitten off by a Dilophosaurus. If you were a protosauropod trying to extend its neck to reach the higher foliage, you would have wished Lamarck had been right about how evolution works. Oh, and they didn’t have computer algorithms to work out their fancy graduate level non-linear equations, they had no concept of math because their brains only adapted to a lifestyle of high browsing. And you don’t get 100 million years of high browsing experience at Michigan State, buster.

See, the development of the impressive Giraffatitan was an adaptation to a series of environmental conditions. Millennials, however, never seem to have any interest in high paying jobs because they are lazy and always on Facebook. The nutrient rich world of the Jurassic, caused by atmospheric conditions and a hotter climate on Earth was incredibly hard going for everyone involved. Just like the industry driven economic booms of the early and mid 20th century and the capital driven booms of the latter part of that millennium, it was hard work and individual strength that made Giraffatitan capable of adapting over millions of years to survive in the tropical and delicious Jurassic.

And let me tell you, Millennials, if you can’t understand the value of a day’s hard work, then you can get right back to fighting our wars, paying out of pocket to become our doctors, and volunteering to teach the next generation for free.

 

2. Guanlong actually had good instincts

800px-Guanlong_SIZE

Millennials these days are so clueless it hurts.

“Ohhh, train me how to do this logistically complex office work. Wahhh, I don’t know how the corporate culture works because I’m shunned based on my age.”

Shut up.

Guanlong proves that you just have to have the right instincts about things to be successful, not fancy tax-deductible legally-required job training. Guanlong was a 10 foot long Jurassic era Tyrannosaurid, one of the first of that long line. A real pioneer.

When was the last time a Millennial got an idea as good as evolving into a Tyrannosaurus? Huh? Name one thing that was ever invented by a millennial.

Guanlong translates to “crested dragon”. That’s totally ferocious and makes me both scared and full of awe. Millennials, on the other hand, still wear graphic T-shirts and think that growing a good beard means letting your neck turn into a thicket. Guanlong had highly developed hind legs for hunting fast prey and fleeing Allosaurs. Millennials think facial piercings and pink streaks in their hair are office appropriate in moderation.

Just shut up and pay into Social Security.

 

1. Tarchia is thick skinned and looks smart to me I guess

800px-Tarchia_6497

You have to admire an animal with as much armor as this Asian Cretaceous ankylosaurid. And it looks really smart too. Tachia translates to “the brainy one”, named as such because of its big skull and sort of knobby looking head plate thingies. Even though evidence would point to a low intelligence for any ankylosaurid, I still just sort of have a good feeling about this one being a real wiz.

Tarchia was a desert biome low browser, which means that you could probably pay him less and he wouldn’t negotiate. And he’s an herbivore, which means that you could probably also scare him if you yelled and seemed really emotional, and then maybe you could also use that to pay him less.

Tarchia’s obvious intelligence also means that he would fix my computer because I accidentally put the ‘e’ in the trash can and I don’t know how to internet now.

Gosh, Millennials, why can’t you be a go-getter like Tarchia? If you could just settle for eating desert scrub and sleeping outside, maybe you could find better jobs. You are already using the nation’s parents’ couches as your personal wino flop houses. Just stop ever going out and stop trying to save for an apartment and get a job and go away but after you fix my computer and also run the entire economy while older generations get to reap all of the benefits. Is that so hard?

If you enjoyed this piece of internets please dial me on your modem or sign up for my faxes or buy a pair of pajamas.

Parasaurolophus: The Duckman Cometh!

What would it take for you to survive the Cretaceous?

I want you to think about the last time you saw a duck, goose, swan, or platypus. Why do they have scoopy things on their faces? Why don’t you have a scoopy thing on your face? How often do you forget a spoon? If you had only soup or yogurt (not in tubes) to live on in the wild, and you had no spoon, you would be pretty dead.

What about a trumpet? Do you currently have a trumpet? Had you a trumpet, could you use it to communicate significant, life saving, logistical meaning to your comrades? Probably no. Probably no to all of that business.

So could you survive the terrifying, theropod laden madness of the Cretaceous? No. You could not. You are not Parasaurolophus, the crazy trumpet duck monster.

Parasaurolophus was a bit too smart for comfort, as in opportunistic adaptive smart. Why don’t you have those things? Parasaurolophus did. You recognize why they would be a good idea. Why did you evolve into a sort of naked apey thing, and Parasaurolophus got all this great stuff with the basic-no-frills version of its body? Shit, do you even have fully functioning eyesight? PROBABLY NOT!

People who aren’t immediately distrustful of all dinosaurs based on all of the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement’s TOTALLY VALID EVIDENCE YOU SHOULD HATE ALL DINOSAURS tend to select Parasaurolophus as their favorite dinosaur. Mostly, because it is pretty. You know what else is pretty? Gasoline soaked landscapes.

FACT: Parasaurolophus was a swamp dweller, like those guys in Deliverance.
FACT: Parasaurolophus could withstand meteor impacts.
FACT: Parasaurolophus was a Hadrosaur, and Hadrosaurs were the original duckbilled gangsters of the Mesozoic era.
FACT: Parasaurolophus had the cranial structure for an extremely sensitive middle hearing range WHICH MEANS:

BE QUIET. THEY ARE LISTENING. I know my readership generally has to read slowly and aloud to comprehend the terrible horrors of this blog but SHHHH.

NEWSFLASH: A high school student just discovered a complete skeleton of a baby Parasaurolophus. This discovery has shown that the babies of this wackily well equipped species had to survive past adolescence to earn their trumpets. When humans want their babies to learn trumpet, they have to shove the brass into the crib at about six months and buy private lessons. The Parasaurolophus had it harder: it had to survive theropod assaults, not just overbearing musical educators. (This is not to downplay the ferocity of musical educators.)

What does that say about our species? Are we even in the running? Hadrosaurs evolved into ducks at the same time ducks evolved into ducks. Who had the idea first? Hadrosaurs survived the meteor strike that supposedly wiped out the other dinosaurs. We are worried about carbon dioxide. Hadrosaurs survived beyond the extinction event LONGER THAN HUMANITY HAS EXISTED ON THE PLANET. We’re all flappin’ around, naked apey things, talking about Biodiesel.

Oh yeah, we’re totally well evolved. High five, other naked apey things. I would salute you with a trumpet but I evolved asthma instead. If Parasaurolophus manages to get in on the Dinosaur Resurrection Event, you better pack your spoons. And saxophones. That’s all I’m saying.

Just to show how you stack up.

Just to show how you stack up.

PS.
This article is dedicated to the memory of Judith Barsi. Yep yep!

Dilophosaurus: WHAT IS YOUR ANGLE?

Usually when this site profiles a dinosaur, it is because that dinosaur has some sort of really obvious plan to destroy mankind with a naturally evolved armory of some sort. Dilophosaurus is not that kind of threat. I have no idea what Dilophosaurus is up to. No one does.
Dilophosaurus is the wildcard of the theropod deck.

THE FACTS

  • Dilophosaurus did not have a wacky umbrella neck. Sorry.
  • It was 20 feet long, not poodle sized.
  • It had a weird double half moon crest on its head, probably used for looking cool.
  • It had a really weak jaw, because its nose was really big.
  • It probably chilled with friends.

And that’s about all science knows.

For awhile after it was discovered, people tried to guess what this weirdo was into. But since the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement wasn’t around yet in the 1940’s and 50’s, no one was trying very hard. Most of the dinosaur research in the 50’s was focused on which dinosaurs could most effectively sell cigarettes on The Flintstones. At one point, some scientists just figured that even though it didn’t look like it was very good at anything compared to the advanced theropods like Allosaurus and Tyrannosaurus, it was probably pretty okay for a Jurassic carnivore. Suitable for the Jurassic.

THEY CLEARLY WERE NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THE JURASSIC.

An animal who seems “pretty decent” for the Jurassic is an animal that is about to be stomped by a sauropod and thrown into the river to be devoured by plesiosaurs. You cannot evolve to be the Nissan of the Jurassic. There is no option to be a Batman Forever of dinosaurs. Being a dinosaur is a pass/fail course, except you have to evolve bowie knife hands instead of University of Phoenix credentials.

No, the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness movement understands that if you want to be a dinosaur, you have to figure out a way to out-murder every living thing in your biome (know thy enemy, know thy self). It wasn’t until Michael Crichton decided to point his imagination at dinosaurs that anyone actually tried thinking creatively about Dilophosaurus in Jurassic Park. He thought Dilophosaurus might have been a spitty, venomous sort of animal. Why not? It didn’t require any fossil evidence, and he had already pushed the limits of imagination in his novel by suggesting that children might have the ability to read.

That was when it started getting goofy, though. Steven Spielberg decided he wanted to play pretend about Dilophosaurus with Michael Crichton and Wayne Knight. It was a scenario similar to playing Cops and Robbers with the kid who never lets you win.

“Well IN MY FANTASY WORLD, Dilophosaurus had a crazy umbrella face and spat poison like 50 feet and could teleport into Jeeps!” -Steven Spielberg. Real quote.

But all the make believe in the world won’t solve this mystery, people. What’s with Dilophosaurus? Dilophosaurus’s nose was really big and bent at a silly angle that actually got in the way of where its jaws would have closed. Why? How does that evolve on a giant theropod? WHAT WAS IT DOING WITH ITS NOSE? Science? Anybody?

I don’t know. Send me a letter if you know. Or subscribe if you want to find out.

Look at him. Mocking us.

Look at him. Mocking us.

I FRIGGIN’ TOLD YOU SO: Golden Eagle demonstrates dinosaurs will yet reign supreme over mammals!

Talk about a supreme moment. I just got done spending two weeks explaining how Dromaeosaurids (“raptors”) were perfectly evolved for gliding down from the trees and burying terrible claws into their prey. Then this happens. So these deer were released into the Siberian wilderness to help feed the dwindling Siberian Tiger population during the cold months. And the deer were certainly eaten. Just not by tigers, because tigers suck.

You see, tigers are just big cats. Saber toothed cats went extinct because cats suck. Tasmanian tiger? Supreme predator? No. Practically extinct, because cats suck. Lions? Napping, because cats suck. Cougars? Solitary by nature, because it knows cats suck. Your house cat is most proficient at either shedding on your upholstery or losing alley fights to opossums, because cats suck.

This deer was killed and eaten by a Golden Eagle. On camera.

Noooooo.

Noooooo.

Look at that deer’s eyes. Those eyes are saying “There was a lush field I remember from my childhood. It was like a paradise… a Xanadu. The grass was thick and green like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”.

Golden Eagles, unlike crappy tigers, successfully hunt nearly everything that doesn’t cower under ground. Even wolves. Even you? This is the map of where Golden Eagles reign supreme.

verizon-coverage-map

Oh, wait no, that’s Verizon’s shitty coverage. Actually its this:

Golden Eagle

Yes that is the entire populated Northern Hemisphere. It has conquered half the Earth. GOSH I WONDER WHY THAT IS. I wonder what in their TERRIFYING ANCESTRY would have given them the evolutionary edge over all living things.

GoldenEagleFootLyd4

This eagle wanted to leave a message, friends. Don’t misinterpret this as some nature show hocus pocus or honey badger bullshit. That eagle had something to tell you: mammals are not safe. The Theropodcalypse is upon us. This Golden Eagle is first rider of the end times. But let me tell you, I will not lie down and just let this happen. 64.3 MILLION YEARS AGO WILL COMMENCE AGAIN IF YOU TRY TO TAKE OUR EARTH, THEROPODS!

 

Anyway, subscribe or whatever.

Critics of the Dinosaur Readiness Movement Ignore Common Sense

If you are like me, you probably did a double take the first time you heard someone criticize the Dinosaur Readiness Movement. I mean, what is there to criticize? To a reasonable person, Conservative Dinosaur Readiness just seems like common sense, but these days people seem to have no grasp of risk or reason. I hear words thrown around like “extinct” and “paranoia over an implausible scenario” and people throwing around ideas like vegetarianism and creationism. It seems like the majority of Americans are overwhelmingly ignorant about the dinosaur menace.

    • FACT: Many dinosaurs had giant knives instead of toe nails or fingers.
    • FACT: Dinosaurs have been extinct less than 1/3 as long as they ruled the Earth.
    • FACT: Some Dinosaurs were more massive than every single one of your friends combined, even if you are rather popular.
    • FACT: There are various scenarios I can think of off the top of my head which would bring the dinosaur threat to American soil.
      1. SUB-CONJECTURE: Such as the discovery of a subterranean lost continent of dinosaurs as described by Obruchev in the cautionary Russian novel Plutonia.
      2. SUB-CONJECTURE: Or the reverse engineering of chickens into their terrifying dinosaur ancestors as suggested by Jack Horner, who hasn’t returned my recent emails. (Update: He just got back to me, he’s just really busy.)
      3. SUB-CONJECTURE: Or the accidental super-feralization of rogue GMO chicken species upon their escape into the Kansas wilds, a scenario the National Chicken Council refuses to comment on when I accuse them on twitter.

 

I want to tell those critics out there– DINOSAURS ARE FUCKING TERRIFYING and they are actively PLOTTING AGAINST US. If dinosaurs aren’t a threat, why am I so scared of them?  If you are so unconcerned with dinosaurs, would you let your sister date a Ceratosaurus? Anyone who isn’t anti-dinosaur is pro-dinosaur, and being pro-dinosaur is what makes no sense.

dwtf ceratasaur