Critics of the Dinosaur Readiness Movement Ignore Common Sense

If you are like me, you probably did a double take the first time you heard someone criticize the Dinosaur Readiness Movement. I mean, what is there to criticize? To a reasonable person, Conservative Dinosaur Readiness just seems like common sense, but these days people seem to have no grasp of risk or reason. I hear words thrown around like “extinct” and “paranoia over an implausible scenario” and people throwing around ideas like vegetarianism and creationism. It seems like the majority of Americans are overwhelmingly ignorant about the dinosaur menace.

    • FACT: Many dinosaurs had giant knives instead of toe nails or fingers.
    • FACT: Dinosaurs have been extinct less than 1/3 as long as they ruled the Earth.
    • FACT: Some Dinosaurs were more massive than every single one of your friends combined, even if you are rather popular.
    • FACT: There are various scenarios I can think of off the top of my head which would bring the dinosaur threat to American soil.
      1. SUB-CONJECTURE: Such as the discovery of a subterranean lost continent of dinosaurs as described by Obruchev in the cautionary Russian novel Plutonia.
      2. SUB-CONJECTURE: Or the reverse engineering of chickens into their terrifying dinosaur ancestors as suggested by Jack Horner, who hasn’t returned my recent emails. (Update: He just got back to me, he’s just really busy.)
      3. SUB-CONJECTURE: Or the accidental super-feralization of rogue GMO chicken species upon their escape into the Kansas wilds, a scenario the National Chicken Council refuses to comment on when I accuse them on twitter.

 

I want to tell those critics out there– DINOSAURS ARE FUCKING TERRIFYING and they are actively PLOTTING AGAINST US. If dinosaurs aren’t a threat, why am I so scared of them?  If you are so unconcerned with dinosaurs, would you let your sister date a Ceratosaurus? Anyone who isn’t anti-dinosaur is pro-dinosaur, and being pro-dinosaur is what makes no sense.

dwtf ceratasaur

Saurophaganax: Misplaced Murderer!

Allosaurus Saurophaganax What the Fuck

Ilst. William Moore.

Like most of you, when I read a science text book with well sourced information, I tend to take it at face value. That tendency, however, is catching up with us. Saurophaganax is a huge Allosaurus specimen that– rightfully– is scaring the hell out of the entire Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement. Despite the fact that it was discovered in 1930 something, scientists didn’t bother studying this horrible abomination against humanity until Jurassic Park came out on special edition VHS. This thing was 12 meters long. Look outside. You see that house that’s larger than any carnivore you’d ever want to meet? Yeah, that’s about 12 meters long.

I honestly can’t wrap my head around this failure by the “greatest generation” scientists. How do you find an OBVIOUSLY MURDEROUS animal this big, and then go do something petty like fight in WWII? Obviously there were some misplaced priorities back then.

Oh, sorry scientists, I guess you must have been busy curing cancer. Well, you can’t die of cancer IF YOU ARE EATEN BY A 40 FOOT LONG THEROPOD. Now scientists are saying that Saurophaganax is causing them to upscale their estimates of Allosaur sizes. Great, I guess we’ll just upscale our anti-dinosaur militias OH WAIT WE CAN’T BECAUSE WE WASTED OUR MONEY ON CANCER RESEARCH.

Welcome to Dinosaurs! WTF?

Hello and welcome to D!WTF?, your source for discussion, news, and opinions following the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement.
I just want to say something to the Liberal Vegan Elite, the PETA hippies, emu farmers, and the rest of you pro-dinosaur nut-jobs. I am on to you. The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement is on to you. Pretty soon, the internet viewing public will be on to you. Then they will tell people who still watch TV, and then EVERYONE WILL BE ON TO YOU.
Furthermore, let it be known that the best weapon against the Dinosaur Menace is awareness, and I plan to pass that weapon out to everybody who will listen. At least until the dinosaurs find a way to get here or re-evolve. Then the best weapon will probably be a united human offensive against the dinosaur mega-roost or whatever. Anyway.
This blog is going to cover a lot of topics that are relevant to the average person such as the threat of various dinosaurs, what you can do to prepare against dinosaurs, dinosaur plots, news about the fairly likely resurgence of dinosaurs, the ongoing debate about dinosaurs in America and abroad. There will be something for everybody.
So sit back, get out a notebook, and let’s explore how we can save America from the imminent Dinosaur Menace.
Sincerely,
Alex Friedman
Editor