We all know the lazy and entitled generation of wannabe adults currently littering our 18-33 year old age bracket. But did you know that the Millennials seem even crappier when compared to long-extinct megafauna? Let’s pile on to the Me! Generation and pat people over 35 on the back for a little while (and generate several hundred thousand hits, heh heh heh).

5. Khaan fits in without making constant pop-culture references

Khaan, as a dinosaur, was everything Millennials are not. It was omnivorous, and ate whatever was available and nutritious. It evolved from a long tradition of similar Oviraptorids, because it had the good sense to be classic unironically.

Unlike those picky eating, self obsessed Millennials. If a Millennial tried to find something to eat in the Cretaceous, they would probably be like,
“Oooh, is this lizard gluten-free and locally raised? Is this flowering plant vegan friendly? Oh, I can’t eat eggs because they aren’t ethical and I’m allergic to legumes and I don’t actually know how to cook for myself.”

Khaan would just EAT THE LIZARD. And then his offspring would thrive for thousands of years due to natural selection.

You know what else? Khaan is not a reference to friggin’ Star Trek. Not everything has to be a reference to some nostalgic reboot of some garbage TV show you watched in 1993. Khaan fit in with its contemporaries because of useful physical capabilities, swiftness, and the general good sense to keep out of the way of advanced capitalists, err… predators. You Millennials need to stop with the constant references to your vacant plastic culture (that no one spent billions of dollars drilling into your skull at birth with ad campaigns scientifically calculated for your exact demographic). I can’t walk into a bar anymore without seeing some dolt in a Legend of Zelda shirt and a Batman belt, hogging up the bar TV with Doctor Who when OBVIOUSLY everyone in the bar with any sense would rather be watching FOX News.

God, how are you even old enough to drink?

4. Limusaurus actually has marketable skills

Limusaurus was a tiny beaked ceratosaur that lived in Asia during the Jurassic. It is one of the earliest known theropods to have evolved into an herbivore. This evolutionary development is so similar to adaptations in other prehistoric reptiles that it is considered an excellent example of evolutionary convergence.

That’s because Limusaurus adapted to fill a sensible niche, instead of getting some fruity humanities degree and then moving back to its parents’ couch like those stupid Millennials.

Millennials somehow got this idea that they have unique perspectives that need to be shared with the world instead of just shutting the hell up and working for free. Millennials somehow managed to flood the market with lawyers and computer scientists and educators who have no practical experience doing anything at all. Why the hell do they think that a decade and tens of thousands of dollars worth of formal training in any way compares to the two-five years of experience using “work email internet” held by professionals over 40?

As every Gen-X and Baby Boomer professional knows, computer internet is the one on the screen with the lower-case ‘e’ or the swirly fox world that Cousin Ronnie put there. I’d like to see a fancy state college degree that can tell you that, Millennials.

Millennials need to take a hint from Limusaurus and be very small and unobtrusive while doing something that no one else wants to do, for free.

3. Giraffatitan pulled itself up by the bootstraps

Giraffatitan was an enormous brachiosaur that lived during the late Jurassic. It was nearly 75 feet long, and possibly weighed as much as 40 tons. It has been cited as a contender for the largest land animal of all time, and full grown Giraffatitans likely had no predators.

An animal doesn’t adapt its way to that sort of massive success overnight. No, it takes millennia and millennia of natural selection. Giraffatitan’s ancestors were lucky if they got a chunk of their tale bitten off by a Dilophosaurus. If you were a protosauropod trying to extend its neck to reach the higher foliage, you would have wished Lamarck had been right about how evolution works. Oh, and they didn’t have computer algorithms to work out their fancy graduate level non-linear equations, they had no concept of math because their brains only adapted to a lifestyle of high browsing. And you don’t get 100 million years of high browsing experience at Michigan State, buster.

See, the development of the impressive Giraffatitan was an adaptation to a series of environmental conditions. Millennials, however, never seem to have any interest in high paying jobs because they are lazy and always on Facebook. The nutrient rich world of the Jurassic, caused by atmospheric conditions and a hotter climate on Earth was incredibly hard going for everyone involved. Just like the industry driven economic booms of the early and mid 20th century and the capital driven booms of the latter part of that millennium, it was hard work and individual strength that made Giraffatitan capable of adapting over millions of years to survive in the tropical and delicious Jurassic.

And let me tell you, Millennials, if you can’t understand the value of a day’s hard work, then you can get right back to fighting our wars, paying out of pocket to become our doctors, and volunteering to teach the next generation for free.

2. Guanlong actually had good instincts

Millennials these days are so clueless it hurts.

“Ohhh, train me how to do this logistically complex office work. Wahhh, I don’t know how the corporate culture works because I’m shunned based on my age.”

Shut up.

Guanlong proves that you just have to have the right instincts about things to be successful, not fancy tax-deductible legally-required job training. Guanlong was a 10 foot long Jurassic era Tyrannosaurid, one of the first of that long line. A real pioneer.

When was the last time a Millennial got an idea as good as evolving into a Tyrannosaurus? Huh? Name one thing that was ever invented by a millennial.

Guanlong translates to “crested dragon”. That’s totally ferocious and makes me both scared and full of awe. Millennials, on the other hand, still wear graphic T-shirts and think that growing a good beard means letting your neck turn into a thicket. Guanlong had highly developed hind legs for hunting fast prey and fleeing Allosaurs. Millennials think facial piercings and pink streaks in their hair are office appropriate in moderation.

Just shut up and pay into Social Security.

1. Tarchia is thick skinned and looks smart to me I guess

You have to admire an animal with as much armor as this Asian Cretaceous ankylosaurid. And it looks really smart too. Tachia translates to “the brainy one”, named as such because of its big skull and sort of knobby looking head plate thingies. Even though evidence would point to a low intelligence for any ankylosaurid, I still just sort of have a good feeling about this one being a real wiz.

Tarchia was a desert biome low browser, which means that you could probably pay him less and he wouldn’t negotiate. And he’s an herbivore, which means that you could probably also scare him if you yelled and seemed really emotional, and then maybe you could also use that to pay him less.

Tarchia’s obvious intelligence also means that he would fix my computer because I accidentally put the ‘e’ in the trash can and I don’t know how to internet now.

Gosh, Millennials, why can’t you be a go-getter like Tarchia? If you could just settle for eating desert scrub and sleeping outside, maybe you could find better jobs. You are already using the nation’s parents’ couches as your personal wino flop houses. Just stop ever going out and stop trying to save for an apartment and get a job and go away but after you fix my computer and also run the entire economy while older generations get to reap all of the benefits. Is that so hard?

If you enjoyed this piece of internets please dial me on your modem or sign up for my faxes or buy a pair of pajamas.