Deinonychus: Shock Trooper of the Jurassic Reich!

Deinonychus is the reason I poop a little every time I think about dinosa–

Deinonychus is the reason for the entire modern dinosaur mythology, spearheaded by Michael Crichton in the golden age of the 1990’s. The “raptors” so elegantly drawn in Jurassic Park were largely based on an unfeathered concept of Deinonychus. Velociraptor, the name used in JP, refers to a smaller variety of the same basic animal. I suppose that the late-great Mr. Crichton used the name to really drive the point home that dinosaurs are birds. Well, okay. But “Velociraptor” doesn’t drive the main point home like the correct name “Deinonychus”.

Deinonychus means TERRIBLE CLAW. As in when they picked this thing from its fossil bed prison, the first thing they noticed was A GIGANTIC TERRIFYING DEATH CLAW.

Your Jurassic Park informed anti-dinosaur sentiments are IGNORANT to the TRUE GOBBSTOPPING HORROR of what a real, scientifically accurate Deinonychus would be capable of… AND INTENT ON DESTROYING.

Size comparison.

Size comparison.

When they found Deinonychus, science quickly realized that dinosaurs were not the lumbering, slow, cold blooded, goofy giants of early 20th century popular conception. Looking at Deinonychus, science realized that dinosaurs could have been agile and warm blooded. Then they looked at their MUSEUMS FULL OF SPIKES AND FANGS AND CLAWS. A slow pile of spikes and claws is kind of like a cute coat rack. Kick the speed and agility and brain case up a few notches though, and all the sudden you are dealing with something incredibly dangerous that looks suspiciously like the chicken you had for dinner on Monday.

Deinonychus had FEATHERED APPENDAGES. Probably. And it used them, in conjunction with its MADNESS INDUCING LONG JUMP SKILLS and “TERRIBLE CLAWS” to leap accurately upon it’s victims and RABBIT KICK THEIR GUTS WITH GIANT KNIVES. They may have done this in roving gangs. Murder clubs. Six packs… no… CASES OF DEATH. Which is now the title of my next rap album. Fossilized Deinonychus feet have been found with toes broken and healed over, like the knuckles of a boxer. Except that boxers don’t jump 11 feet to stab things with buck knives.

Modern birds are direct descendents of flightless theropods like Deinonychus. If you are going to be serious about this movement and serious about stopping Deinonychus from happening again, we need to make sure that the chicken industry is listening to us about their selective breeding, security, and gene modification. Trip the wrong couple of genetic markers, and you could end up with a 47 pound rooster with buck knives on its feet. That’s not the kind of world I want to live in. Tweet at Perdue Chicken today.


“Sunset on a Mankind Forewarned” by Kathleen Coffey.

Thanks to Movement Supporter Kathleen Coffey for the watercolor. Remember to subscribe and that I am currently accepting art about protoceratops.


2 Thoughts on “Deinonychus: Shock Trooper of the Jurassic Reich!

  1. Pingback: The 5 Spikiest Dinosaurs (and why they are jerks) | Dinosaurs! WTF?

  2. Pingback: 5 Terrifying Raptors that Disprove Creationism | Dinosaurs! WTF?

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