Category Archives: News

The Nihilist MTV Flintstones

It came to my attention through twitter the other day that an “author” for MTV News had partially lifted and severely dumbed down some content from this blog for one of those cringey GIF listicles. I’m not going to link it, because fuck their traffic, but if you follow my twitter you can find it pretty easily. The content was a couple of jokes from my archive, in particular a few about how dinosaurs don’t have feelings. The writer took out my highbrow punchlines and rephrased them (added a cat). I wouldn’t quite call it a cut and paste case of plagiarism, but it definitely qualifies as a Mencia.

This is what happens.

This hurt my feelings. How hard is it to link to my political extremism blog?

So I made a comic about it… a REVENGE comic. It is called “The Nihilist MTV Flintstones.” It is about how the Nihilists who write for MTV are unfeeling, dead-inside cavemen. Pretending not to care about anything in order to be cool in the 90’s has led the Nihilist MTV Flintstones to lose their humanity. Oh well.

Enjoy!

nihilist flintstones

 

Hey wow that was so uplifting SUBSCRIBE

Leonard Nimoy and Neil Gaiman and the Most Anti-Dinosaur Comic Imprint Ever

With the sad passing of Leonard Nimoy, I thought I might collect and share some weird literary history. See, this here happened back before Star Trek experienced its recent resurgence in popularity, before Neil Gaiman was openly recognized as the brilliant writer he really isn’t, before geek culture was cool and then cliché and then whiny. These days were known as the 90’s, and aside from Bill Clinton’s NATO bombing of a couple of hospitals in Kosovo (“dual-use” targets), it was a pretty good time.

Back in those days, Leonard Nimoy and Neil Gaiman contributed to Tekno Comix, a comic book publisher that was devoted to Anti-Dinosaur rhetorical exercises. Seriously, 30% of their titles were about how bad it would be if Dinosaurs [fill in the blank]. And that was because Leonard Nimoy, Neil Gaiman and Isaac Asimov were way ahead of their time and knew that some day we would have to deal with political questions of Dinosaur Readiness as a society. (Neil Gaiman promptly stopped being ahead of his time after the 90’s, but whatever.) The two titles best titles were Nimoy’s PriMortals and Gaiman’s Teknophage.

Yes, I had these as a child. Yes, they probably contributed to my dinosaur hating world view. Thank god, right?

PriMortals was Nimoy’s concept. So you got these aliens, right? And they make first contact with humanity, and the lead alien is like–
“Listen, we actually run around granting sentience to randos every now and again. Sometimes we invent people, sometimes we fuck up real bad. You guys seem… eh, but remember how I was saying we fuck up sometimes? Yeah, dinosaurs.”
So you have this giant superpowered dinosaur with genius intelligence running around breaking chains on all the comics covers while humanity is still trying to figure out wtf just happened.
Republican party was like Lewinski > Kosovo
Nimoy allegedly talked through the premise with Asimov, which sort of blows my mind. I mean, if Roddenberry had still been alive, he would have recorded that chat and made Loulie Jean Norman sing the remix. How awesome would that have been? It would have been like–

Nimoy: “The aliens have experimented on dinosaurs in visits previous. Now one of the dinosaurs is upset about that. Its emotions are… mad.”
Asimov: “Oh! Make it a moral conundrum! Oh man! Make it SO CHALLENGING ETHICALLY!”
Nimoy: “And then that would be challenging ethically for the humans. Their emotions would be… sad… happy… mad.”
Asimov: “WHAT COULD YOU EVEN ETHICALLY THINK WITH IMMORTAL INTELLIGENCE?!?!?!?!”
Nomoy: “The alien’s facial structure would be angular.”
Norman: “wooooOOOOOOOO AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHH!

Yes. That would have been how it would have happened. Anyhoo. The moral of the story was that you probably shouldn’t give infinite intelligence to dinosaurs. I took this lesson to heart.

Neil Gaiman’s Teknophage… you’re going to think I’m making this up. First, because it sounds exactly like Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement propaganda. Secondly, because you will have a hard time imagining Neil Gaiman writing something other than goth nostalgia. Teknophage was about a Tyrannosaurus who is literally the capitalist plutocratic overlord of a planet. He is a businessman Tyrannosaurus. He rules with teeth and the almighty dollar. Look, he even wears a little suit.
Does he look more like Donald Trump or Mitt Romney?
When someone pissed him off, Henry (the dinosaur businessman is named Henry) would swallow them whole and partially digest them for a few hours. Then he would spit them back up and they’d be all gooey and acid burned. It was totally metal.

Somehow this comic company didn’t particularly succeed; Tekno only lasted about two years. Leonard Nimoy’s characters fared the best, getting a tie-in novel and a bitchin’ interactive CD-ROM. But I know what you’re wondering.

Was there a crossover battle between Nimoy’s alien and Henry?

OF COURSE THERE WAS.

God save you, 1996. Anyone who can send me a scan of the inside of PriMortals #15, I will post the battle on here.

Thanks for reading. If you enjoyed today’s entry, subscribe or whatever. Also, you can send me a letter. I am a little backed up right now but I do read all the mail I get. Do you need a pint glass? How come no one else remembers the Kosovo missions? The hospital bombing was on friggin’ TV and everything.

Reblog of Great Darren Naish article…

Howdy. Calling your attention to an excellent Darren Naish article in Scientific American.

Let it be noted that this is how one throws shade in the scientific community. This is the exact way, letter for letter. Enjoy.

Brian J. Ford’s Aquatic Dinosaurs, 2014 Edition

Call for Experts! Whales and Pro Wrestling

Hello. Editor here. I am looking for experts to add input on articles on the subjects of Whale Biology and Professional Wrestling. Are you the person I need to be talking to? Hit me up! Let me know your specialty and credentials. THESE ARE PRO-MAMMAL ARTICLES. NO DINOSAUR LOVERS.

<3 <3 Thanks!

Editor, D!WTF?

Dinosaurs! WTF? 1st Anniversary Celebration Super Post

It’s like a cheesy clip show on a variety hour, except paranoid.

Happy 1st Anniversary, Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement. Dinosaurs! WTF? turned one year old this summer. And with all the dinosaur hatred it has spread, all the paranoia it has exacerbated, and all of the hilariously classy woodcuts it has spawned, I cannot say I have any regrets. Except that I don’t have a book deal yet.

This post is a post of celebration. I will be celebrating the great collaborations sent in by the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement and its supporters by naming my favorite community contributions. There will also be a delightful photo section of all of the disturbing, godless tributes to dinosaurs I have found in my year long expedition to route out all of the dinosaur sympathizers in our society.

But let’s not forget this blog’s humble beginnings as a phony newsletter I sent to my friend Cheryl. Here is a photo for those of you who have never stopped by my office.

olddwtf

Wow, what a piece of crap. How far we have come.

Now, on to the Movement supporters who need to be recognized and possibly incarcerated.

Best Comments of the Year

Anyone who wins a Comment of the Year is entitled to a free home raptor proofing evaluation. Send me an email to collect your prize.

Most Ethically Correct Comment of the Year

HAWK of Madscience

“The important question is: “Does [Therizinosaurus] still taste like chicken?” I’ll agree that he is coming to kill us all, but I’m building a barbecue for the 6′ chicken legs.”

Thanks, Hawk, collect your prize. Check out Hawk’s blog for some equally WTF science commentary.

Most Openly Insane Comment of the Year

Hitsu123 from parts unknown

“Dear Lumbar,

I just wanted to say that your defense teachings recently saved my life, as well as my friend’s. A few hours ago after reading this manual, I was attacked by three Coral-Striped Utah Raptors whilst walking to my University’s Library. We were surrounded and shocked at their sheer speed and, as you said, they got the high ground on us before we knew we were being attacked…”
Full comment here.

Thanks, Hitsu. This comment was really weird. Collect your prize.

Most Inappropriately Analytical Comment of the Year

Matthew Hecht from Outsurvive

“4) [The Land Before Time migration] is a metaphor for seeking religion (going towards the sun), and they are feuding with other species is a metaphor for fighting like Baptist vs. Methodist fighting and Catholic vs. Protestant. Sharptooth is Satanic attacks. Bluth actually uses deep morals designed to change his audience.”
Full comment here. It’s a doozy.

Thanks, Matt. Read more of Matthew Hechts’s weird analysis of kid’s movies here, on his blog. Collect your prize.

Regular Contributors

There are also some regular contributors who need to be recognized.

Will Moore contributed a great deal to this site through his motivation and excellent cartoons. This is my favorite of his works. Thanks Will.
Kentrosaurus
Ryan Martin has contributed to the promotion of this blog as well as the collection of classy woodcuts that define this site’s look. This is one of my favorites of his designs. Thanks Ryan.

by Ryan Martin

by Ryan Martin

Rachel Baker has contributed to the marketing and cafepress work on this site. She designed this site’s layout and helped me learn how to code for wordpress. Thanks Rachel.

Marten Dollinger has written a few articles for this site, including the last one about crows being idiots. He’s also recommended articles and helped me edit in the past. Thanks, Marten.

Finally, thanks to all of you who have shown your support by reading, subscribing, and sharing.

Here’s to another year of telling dinosaurs they can’t have our planet back yet. Now, play this song in the background while you scan through these pictures.

This image is staged with an animatronic, the apocalypse is not yet upon us.

This image is staged with an animatronic, the apocalypse is not yet upon us.

Kronosaurus is not actually a dinosaur so it's okay to like him.

Kronosaurus is not actually a dinosaur so it’s okay to like him.

I contemplate how to keep them that way.

I contemplate how to keep them that way.

A tribute to dinosaurs ruins an otherwise beautiful scene in Pittsburgh.

A tribute to dinosaurs ruins an otherwise beautiful scene in Pittsburgh.

Great News: Dinosaur Descendents Stupider than Toddlers

This week we have a guest report by esteemed movement supporter Marten Dollinger. Check out his other work here, and here.

Studies Show Dinosaur Descendents Stupider than Toddlers (Mostly)

Caledonian Crows are all the talk of avian studies, lately; they’ve been observed to use tools and make inferences. However, a team of psychologists recently discovered an important flaw in crows’, and consequently dinosaurs’, thought process: they cannot come up with a novel behavior after watching some simple cause and effect reactions. This particular leg-up on the birds is fantastic news for the movement, since 70 percent of even the smallest and squishiest of humans can do that. Also, when the dinosaur apocalypse comes, that figure will likely rise to 100 percent due to natural selection.

What the heck does that even mean, you ask? Well, the experiment was pretty simple. The scientist set up a chain reaction in which dominos knock over a rock, which falls on a see-saw, which gives the subject a treat. The crows are pretty bright, they could easily figure out to start knocking over dominos. The next part was to give the birds and humans a version of the chain reaction that doesn’t have the dominos after observing the chain-reaction one several times. Toddlers worked out they could just drop the rock straight in and not have any need for all those dominos. The birds were lost without the domino effect, one just picked up the rock, put it down, and then flew away and cried tiny bird tears, longing for the simple observed dominos that made it feel so smart.

idiot crow

Now, to turn this meaningful study into some actionable advice: incorporate Rube Goldberg contraptions into the raptor-proofing methods you already apply to your own home. We have covered the basics of raptor-proofing before, but these can be greatly improved upon by adding a layer of complexity that dastardly theropods may think they can navigate. They’ll watch the springs and wires and counterweights interact that allow you safe passage into your fortified structure, and think they can get the drop on you like they did poor Muldoon. Meanwhile, you’ll remove an integral piece of the system, and they’ll get dropped into one of your many spike pits instead. Clever girl, indeed.

Update: do NOT incorporate a moat into your defenses. It might take them a while, but it’s only a matter of time before the raptors figure out how to roll boulders into it, flood your entire bunker, and devour you like so many Goldfish brand cheddar crackers.

We Need to Have a Talk: Young Earth Creationism

In this installment of “We Need to Have a Talk”, we will be discussing Young Earth Creationism. And it will not be nice.

Continuing the trend of interesting comments this site has received lately (many of which will be honored in the awards later this month), I have finally gotten a comment that I have long been anticipating.

“We YEC’ers are slightly harder to the right wing than you you you right-evo-whatever people. We like you though you’re wrong. Which means that not only are we as pro-dinosaur as you or more, we are also far more inclined to actually take the threat you pose of re-emerging dinosaurs more seriously, BECAUSE!! … well, because those doggone dinosaurs (A.K.A. Dragons) are still out there, lurking in the boondocks of the earth, in places like the Congo and New Guinea and Northern Australia, terrorizing natives, killing cattle, and studying creationism too (I guess … I mean, why not?). So not only are they out there, but they must also be coming here – to kill – and they won’t be killed. So amen and watch your backs for the Rapts. Yeah.”

Some readers have mentioned that this comment seems like a joke. Sure, it could be. Seeing as this is a totally legitimate political blog, I find that highly unlikely. But more convincingly, the rhetoric of this comment matches the actual beliefs of Young Earth Creationism. And I would like to share some thoughts on those.

So to start, for all of the honest-to-God, actually hardcore Conservative Young Earth Creationists out there: The dinosaurs that I describe in this blog, this totally serious and non-satirical blog that is in no way a blatant parody of conservative paranoia, ARE EXTINCT.

DINOSAURS ARE EXTINCT.

I am not talking about Coelacanths. I am not talking about Emus. I am talking about Animalia– Chordata– Dinosauramorpha– Dinosauriforms– Dinosaurs. They went extinct nearly 65 million years ago, nearly 11 thousand times the Young Earth Creationist’s ENTIRE PERCEPTION OF TIME ITSELF ago.

Dinosaurs are extinct, and in Young Earth Creationism’s consciousness of the Earth, if it can even be described as such, extinction barely exists. Young Earth Creationism’s historical perspective cannot grasp the causality of things on a level that allows for numbers beyond the ten thousands. Young Earth Creationism cannot allow for history beyond 400 generations, much less natural history. Dinosaurs are not dragons, which also do not exist. Perhaps this was confusion of reality with the 2002 film Reign of Fire.

A SIMPLETON’S PATCHWORK HISTORY

And it is in this rigid, infantile world consciousness that Young Earth Creationism is mired and will remain.

Modern Young Earth Creationism denies the plainly observable world in favor of a make-believe history in which the racist Bible cartoons from Catholic school parade around with graphics stolen from Jurassic Park. Young Earth Creationism claims that their views on the origins of the planet are eyewitness accounts from God, that the King James Bible is the word of the Lord (dictated not read).

There are no primary sources in the Bible, unless you dismiss the fact that it has been translated dozens of times before reaching an English readership. Saving that, the only primary sources in the Bible are some reasonably sexy poems and a number of highly dubious letters. Suggesting that Genesis holds an eyewitness account of anything, particularly the backwards carnival ride suggested by YEC authorities, is either deception or ignorance.

Young Earth Creationism would have you believe that the Earth is younger than the domestication of cats. Young Earth Creationism would have you believe that the 12,800 pound bite of a Tyrannosaurus Rex was used for eating salad. Young Earth Creationism would like to use a book that explains with excruciating detail the correct process of branding slaves and selling daughters into bondage as the standard text for scientific education.

SO NO

So no, Young Earth Creationism. Young Earth Creationists are not pro-dinosaur. They do not comprehend what a dinosaur is. Young Earth Creationists are not conservative. They live an ignorant and harmful fantasy that they are trying to force on the public. This is highlighted by the possibility that a person with Young Earth Creationist views would attempt to engage this website in factual debate. The Young Earth Creationist concept of the world is garbage. Thanks for writing in.

Join me next week for “Young Earth Creationism: A Brief History of Wrong.”

Subscribe. Send a letter to the Editor.

The Dinosaur Machine

What’s scarier than a dinosaur? How about a dinosaur machine?

A science and engineering team from Korea Advanced Institute of Science and Technology has developed a new running robot. The problem? They are basing it off of the running mechanics of Velociraptor. Yeah, a freaking Raptor Robot. If they wanted to go ahead combine all of my greatest fears, they should make the robot run for public office. Oh, or maybe the robot could incorporate itself as an LLC, so its creators wouldn’t have to be legally accountable for the murders it is bound to commit. There, now I’ve gone and jinxed it.

Many news organizations are comparing the speed of this new robot to runner Usain Bolt, who is really fast for a human being but sort of slow for a gazelle. You know, or compared to a predatory pack hunter from the Cretaceous. I guess I am happy that they haven’t gotten the tin can up to peak predator speeds yet, but this is Korea we are talking about here. These are the people who invented the Zerg Rush, Graphene, and the MP3 Player. I think they’re probably going to figure it out.

Also interesting about the coverage of this terrifying new technology is the media’s complete lack of understanding regarding what a “raptor” is. They seem to grasp that Jurassic Park was a film and that Velociraptor was a dinosaur, but after that it starts to break down pretty badly. Check out this bit from the Utah People’s Post:

“The robot, called the Raptor (means “fast”), runs on two nimble legs, and is capable of running at a remarkable speed of 46 kilometers per hour (kph), or 28 miles per hour (mph), on a treadmill.”

I suppose 'fast' might describe how quickly you must make peace with your gods...

I suppose ‘fast’ might describe how quickly you must make peace with your gods…

Raptor… means fast. No, Rachel Donald of the proud state of Utah, ‘Raptor’ does not mean fast. It means ‘kidnapper’. In… basically every language. ‘Raptor’ in Spanish means kidnapper. ‘Raptor’ in Portuguese means kidnapper– or baby snatcher. There are fast baby snatchers, but this is not a necessary qualification when one is applying the word ‘raptor’.

In fact, the word has its roots in Latin! GUESS WHAT IT MEANS IN LATIN? (IT DOES NOT MEAN FAST IN LATIN.)

Anyway, subscribe and tweet and buy a flask with an ankylosaurid on it. Sorry that you live in a world full of Raptor-bots and stuff.

Site News and Letters to the Editor May ’14

2013-2014 Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement Awards

The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement is rapidly approaching its first birthday (June 21). In honor of this event, and all of you fine political pioneers who have supported the movement in its first year, Dinosaurs! WTF? will bestow awards on our greatest contributing subscribers. All subscribers will be considered for honors. There is no need to apply for an award, I have already googled all of your email accounts and twitter handles, so I know all about you.

There will be awards for best letter to the editor, most outspoken defender of the movement, least likely to be a theropod in disguise, worthiest foe of the movement, and so on. There will be a fabulous prizes attached to each award, although I have no idea what they will be.

I’ll be considering for the awards up until June, so feel free to do something for the D!WTF? cause before then.

Happy Birthday Mary Anning

I swear to god you will get a real article at some point, Mary. Happy Birthday and thanks for the early warning about dinosaurs.

Letters to the Editor, May ’14

After the last article, movement supporter @sablehawk and I discussed Chi Gung and Tai Chi as ways to deal with raptors. On twitter:


Later, he wrote to me at length. Sablehawk writes:

Perhaps this could be adapted for use. This is based on actual conversations with a mystic holy man who lives in the woods of Tennessee.

I felt I should give you a deeper answer on using Tai Chi to battle dinosaurs, so I spoke with a local Master.

Sablehawk: Can we use Tai Chi to battle dinosaurs?

Master: That statement is actually deeply Zen, I’m glad you have advanced so far.

Sablehawk: um, thanks? Why?

Master: Tai Chi is the ultimate fighting form, but since dinosaurs do not currently exist, combat must remain pleasantly metaphoric. Since Tai Chi is the ultimate meditation form, teaching you to communicate with your body through the symbols of martial arts, you are proposing a symbolic battle with metaphoric enemies. Clearly you are working to grasp your deeper issues through meditation, excellent.

Sablehawk: Actually, I mean real dinosaurs.

Master: Well, Tai Chi with dinosaurs is a very interesting topic. Having experienced them in a dream, I can tell you that they are a bright and terrible life, shining in energy but desolate in deeper ambitions. They know nothing of wood and earth, planning and balance. They survive on Yang metal and Yin water, the kinetic pursuit of goals.

Obviously, the ones who survived in dream are seen as dragons of fire and water; their desire for continued life extends past all sensible conclusions. I recommend against becoming like them and worry about your avatar’s continued existence if you try to commune with them.

Sablehawk: They can eat me in my dreams?

Master: Probably not, as you are just a student, but by the time you are a master, yes.

Sablehawk: How might that impact actual interaction with actual-incarnate dinosaurs?

Master: Clearly creatures of a previous, and regrettably future, incarnation have a lot to tell us. It would be interesting to interact with them to determine how they lived. Obviously, a lot of people share this inclination, which will undoubtedly be the cause of their coming resurrection. They have predicted as much.

Sablehawk: Can we fight them with Tai Chi?

Master: Tai Chi is used to understand them. The study of them would develop an animal style which would generate a fighting style to combat them. Set aside the strengths of their attack, Yang, and penetrate the weaknesses of their defenses, Yin.

Sablehawk: So are you studying them in dreams to find their weaknesses?

Master: No, I bought a Saiga with a 20 round drum for back-up in case the .308 Sniper doesn’t do the trick. Oh and of course the Glock and the 1911, but hey, you knew I carried those. Tai Chi is great and all, but I live out in the woods and can’t count on the cops to respond inside 30 minutes.
***
So there you have it. Dinosaurs will fucking eat you in your dreams. This martial arts thing has made for some really weird posts, even by my standards.

Thanks to Sablehawk for the letter. If you want to send me a letter, shoot me one through our contact page. Also, buy a goddamn mug. Ryan Marten designs these beautiful mugs and you people tell me they look great and then never buy any. What is that even about.

Dinosaur Crime Scenes: Prehi-STALKERS

Dinosaurs were committing heinous crimes during the Mesozoic; crimes so terrible that I have to cover them for the next couple of weeks on my vaguely public conservative internet blog. Enjoy the second installment of Dinosaur Crime Scenes.

Stalking! A crime that is hard to define and makes very little legal sense. Here in Ohio, our laws against “Menacing by Stalking” can be interpreted broadly: “No person by engaging in a pattern of conduct shall knowingly cause another person to believe that the offender will cause physical harm to the other person or cause mental distress to the other person.”

Taking that to its logical conclusion, the number of people who have committed this crime against me personally is difficult to even quantify. Insurance salesmen? Knowingly cause mental distress. Bankers? They repeatedly tell me to remove my Dodgers cap on their premises or else the guard will throw me out into the street. Geez! Menacing! Dudes who insist on carrying their guns on them at Wendy’s? Hell yes I think you’re going to cause me physical harm, and you know it! People who drive Hummers near me in the grocery store parking lot? YOU MIGHT AS WELL SAY YOU WANT TO DRIVE A MONSTER TRUCK OVER MY FAMILY.

Basically, everyone I interact with is guilty of Menacing by Stalking. So it makes a lot of sense that theropods would be stalkers.

Oh, but now we have scientific proof of dinosaur stalkers. This week, this report hit the news.

In 1940, before scientists understood ideas like “not desecrating 100-million-year-old fossils” and “documenting where you ship 100-million-year-old fossils”, fossil collectors managed to wreck a third of a dinosaur trackway in Texas. But using old photos and 3d modeling technology, scientists were able to digitally reconstruct the trackway for study.

"These old-timey sledge hammers are definitely the best tools for preserving these priceless fossil imprints."

“These old-timey sledge hammers are definitely the best tools for preserving these priceless fossil imprints.”

What they found was evidence of a DINOSAUR CRIME SCENE. Oh, wow, really? Gosh I’m so surprised.

Two dinosaurs are represented in the trackway, some sort of sauropod and a large theropod. As you have probably guessed, the theropod was stalking the sauropod. And while I hesitate to call any dinosaur a ‘victim’, judging by the theropod in question, the sauropod was about to have a very bad day.

Acrocanthosaurus, our suspected theropod perpetrator, definitely has a guilty face. Look at that face. Find me a single judge that wouldn’t convict that face. Acrocanthosaurus was a nasty monster. It had a ridge of spines going down its back that show evidence of dense shoulder muscle. Likely, Acrocanthosaurus got these giant muscles from pumping steel every day in the prison yard.

You can totally tell which dinosaurs were jailbirds by their prison muscles, even if they didn’t opt for the tattoos.

People call me paranoid because I think dinosaurs want to stalk us. I am not paranoid, I am logically interpreting the evidence presented to us. Just like that weirdo who uses a bright yellow H2 as his commuter car and follows you through the grocer parking lot slightly too closely, Acrocanthosaurus and his theropod ilk have a proven pattern of being creepy stalkers. They should all be arrested.

You should subscribe and tweet @dinosaurswtf and buy mugs from my shop or else you are guilty of Menacing by Stalking in the state of Ohio.