Category Archives: Letters

Reader mail, May 2015

This post was scheduled to come out after the big Chickensaurus post that I am working on, but that one isn’t done yet, so here’s reader mail for the first quarter of 2015. At least they are good letters! Be patient with me.

“Toodles”

-Ed.

 

Tricia writes:

Just thought I’d send a “PROPS!” to you on the website.  I’ve enjoyed the blogs thus far and will be looking forward to some more time to read in the future.
Toodles~
Tricia
Tricia,
Thanks a bunch. I will alert the props department of your donation.
-Ed.
Sharon W. writes:
Hi,I am writing to enquire about the possibility of advertising on your site.
I found your site http://www.dinosaurswtf.com/ and interested in paid post. Let me know if you are interested then I will give you more details.I can offer you best to make it worth your time.

With best regards,
Advertising manager
sharon

I replied:
Hi ‘sharon’,
The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement is not interested in hawking ads for anything less than five figures. We are an extremist political movement, not buzzfeed. You want ads, you can get serious.
Also, I suspect you of being a dinosaur sympathizer.
Thanks,
Editor
She replied:
Hi,I just want to publish my affiliate page on your site so that we will get some revenue and you will get your commission.  You can earn 10% of the sale just by referring people!  That is over $50 per Course!We pay you commission on every sale that comes from your affiliate links.  (this does NOT include the ‘custom services’, so no commissions will be paid on consulting services)
You can not receive commissions on your own orders through your own affiliate link. This is a great way for YOU to make money sharing the benefits of healthy living with others! Right now we will give you US$250 for this participation and to upload the page.

This is our site for affiliation:[deleted]

Let me know then we will send to you a single page for your site.

I replied:
Sharon,
Are you a robot? Did you even read my email?
I’m not interested in $50, or $250.
Five figures. That is the starting price.
She replied:
Hi,I have sent to you a paid ads request few days ago, you did not reply back yet, please let me know if you are interested then I will send you more details.Regards

I replied:
Five figure offers only, Sharon.
Sharon is clearly a dinosaur sympathizer.
Dav writes:
hi editor, my name is dav or dogmoon, ur friend brenna from miami is my friend & she told me about ur rad website, i rly like the humor & critique.  u inspired me to think critically about how our culture utilizes the body of the dinosaur to disseminate ideology thru pop representation of the dinosaur.  ive written two pieces so far that i wanted to share with u, let me know what u think.thanks

-dav or dogmoon

That’s baller as hell, Dav. Send me stuff.
-Ed.
Meghan writes:

Love your website. Its very informative. As a new member of the conservative dinosaur readiness movement i originaly thought dinosaurs were coo! Not any longer. My eyes are open to the threat dinosaurs pose. My question is what is the movement’s stance on eating dinosaurs. Do you think its ok? After all if we eat dinosaurs in the dinosaur apocalypses the number of the scaley (or feathery) fiends will discrease right? If so do you think dinosaurs taste like chicken or turkey or cow?

Sincerly,
Interested
Meghan,
There is actually a good deal of information out there regarding what they tasted like. As far as whether we SHOULD eat them, the answer is very adamantly yes. We should eat all of them. That’s what they would do to us.
-Ed.
See you all next time. Want to send me email? Knock yourself out.

Site News and Letters to the Editor May ’14

2013-2014 Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement Awards

The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement is rapidly approaching its first birthday (June 21). In honor of this event, and all of you fine political pioneers who have supported the movement in its first year, Dinosaurs! WTF? will bestow awards on our greatest contributing subscribers. All subscribers will be considered for honors. There is no need to apply for an award, I have already googled all of your email accounts and twitter handles, so I know all about you.

There will be awards for best letter to the editor, most outspoken defender of the movement, least likely to be a theropod in disguise, worthiest foe of the movement, and so on. There will be a fabulous prizes attached to each award, although I have no idea what they will be.

I’ll be considering for the awards up until June, so feel free to do something for the D!WTF? cause before then.

Happy Birthday Mary Anning

I swear to god you will get a real article at some point, Mary. Happy Birthday and thanks for the early warning about dinosaurs.

Letters to the Editor, May ’14

After the last article, movement supporter @sablehawk and I discussed Chi Gung and Tai Chi as ways to deal with raptors. On twitter:


Later, he wrote to me at length. Sablehawk writes:

Perhaps this could be adapted for use. This is based on actual conversations with a mystic holy man who lives in the woods of Tennessee.

I felt I should give you a deeper answer on using Tai Chi to battle dinosaurs, so I spoke with a local Master.

Sablehawk: Can we use Tai Chi to battle dinosaurs?

Master: That statement is actually deeply Zen, I’m glad you have advanced so far.

Sablehawk: um, thanks? Why?

Master: Tai Chi is the ultimate fighting form, but since dinosaurs do not currently exist, combat must remain pleasantly metaphoric. Since Tai Chi is the ultimate meditation form, teaching you to communicate with your body through the symbols of martial arts, you are proposing a symbolic battle with metaphoric enemies. Clearly you are working to grasp your deeper issues through meditation, excellent.

Sablehawk: Actually, I mean real dinosaurs.

Master: Well, Tai Chi with dinosaurs is a very interesting topic. Having experienced them in a dream, I can tell you that they are a bright and terrible life, shining in energy but desolate in deeper ambitions. They know nothing of wood and earth, planning and balance. They survive on Yang metal and Yin water, the kinetic pursuit of goals.

Obviously, the ones who survived in dream are seen as dragons of fire and water; their desire for continued life extends past all sensible conclusions. I recommend against becoming like them and worry about your avatar’s continued existence if you try to commune with them.

Sablehawk: They can eat me in my dreams?

Master: Probably not, as you are just a student, but by the time you are a master, yes.

Sablehawk: How might that impact actual interaction with actual-incarnate dinosaurs?

Master: Clearly creatures of a previous, and regrettably future, incarnation have a lot to tell us. It would be interesting to interact with them to determine how they lived. Obviously, a lot of people share this inclination, which will undoubtedly be the cause of their coming resurrection. They have predicted as much.

Sablehawk: Can we fight them with Tai Chi?

Master: Tai Chi is used to understand them. The study of them would develop an animal style which would generate a fighting style to combat them. Set aside the strengths of their attack, Yang, and penetrate the weaknesses of their defenses, Yin.

Sablehawk: So are you studying them in dreams to find their weaknesses?

Master: No, I bought a Saiga with a 20 round drum for back-up in case the .308 Sniper doesn’t do the trick. Oh and of course the Glock and the 1911, but hey, you knew I carried those. Tai Chi is great and all, but I live out in the woods and can’t count on the cops to respond inside 30 minutes.
***
So there you have it. Dinosaurs will fucking eat you in your dreams. This martial arts thing has made for some really weird posts, even by my standards.

Thanks to Sablehawk for the letter. If you want to send me a letter, shoot me one through our contact page. Also, buy a goddamn mug. Ryan Marten designs these beautiful mugs and you people tell me they look great and then never buy any. What is that even about.

The #Rexolution Rears Its Ugly Head

The Liberal Underground Dinosaur Conspiracy has finally been outed, and it is branding itself as the #rexolution. Last week, this blog reported on the Smithsonian’s dark plot to hush the alarm about dinosaurs by closing the Dinosaur Hall at the natural history museum in Washington DC. Upon contacting Kirk Johnson, the museum director, for commentary on twitter, he openly confirmed that he is a prominent member of the Conspiracy. Just said it. Had a picture and a hashtag and everything. Immediately, there was a disturbing number of shouts of support (3 or so).

BfCZKXaCYAAMl0Q.jpg large

I have a lot of emotions about these developments, as the editor of this blog and a passionate supporter of the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement. On the one hand, I was right and you all should have listened. So that’s pretty cool I guess. On the other hand, this signals the beginning of a terrible bio-terrorist political movement that is openly aggressive to our cause. So that seems bad. There are forces led by people with actual power and probably much better salaries than I get and they are trying to resurrect dinosaurs with the misguided intention of what? Coexisting? Bowing to them as their masters? Studying them scientifically? It doesn’t matter, resurrecting dinosaurs will get us all killed. They have huge claws and spikes and desire only to eat flesh and sunder mammalian civilization. This “#rexolution” may lead to the death of mankind.

Still, I was right.

*sniff*

I’m going to try not to be too smug about it.

Who is Kirk Johnson?

But who is Kirk Johnson? And why is he leading a lunatic fringe movement against humanity?

Johnson took up the role of Director of the Smithsonian’s National Museum for Natural History in 2012. Coming from a museum Vice President role in Denver, a noted pro-dinosaur liberal hotbed, the seeds of extremism had already been pretty obvious in his previous work. Johnson was mostly to blame for the “Prehistoric Journey” exhibit at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science, where D!WTF? traveled last year and found loads of pro-dinosaur propaganda. These salacious images showed dinosaurs looking like cool guys you might want to hang out with, such as this one below.

DSCN3143

How are children supposed to resist the allure of kick-ass looking scars, smoking, and an eyepatch all at once? That’s nearly every cool thing a cartoon character can have. Note how the stegosaurus’s thagomizer has been disguised to look like a bunch of harmless rigging knives instead of the brutal weapon it actually was.

Who knows how Kirk Johnson came up with the brilliant, albeit evil, plan to reduce dinosaur preparedness by “closing to renovate” one of the best dinosaur awareness institutions in our nation’s capitol. It may have been something he thought of using scientific reasoning, or more likely, he may secretly have a sorcerer on retainer as an adviser. You know, a sort of Rasputin figure.

In any case, The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement is keeping an eye on Kirk Johnson. Special thanks to Kirk Johnson for providing a photo of his sick and twisted plot to destroy humanity. Follow him on Twitter.

 

 

Letters to the Editor, January 2014

Editor,
The well-known dinosaur sympathizers of Reddit recently uncovered this: http://www.tacticaldino.com/

Is this the latest dastardly plot to destroy humanity?  What kind of monster would take vicious raptors and arm them with our own weaponry?  Is this a traitor to the human species, or some mad scientist who hasn’t watched enough B-movies to understand how this will inevitably end?  Truly troubling.

-Ferguson

Mr. Ferguson,
Reddit? You mean those weird internet libertarians who are constantly ‘downvoting’ my blog? What useful information could those mouth breathers have uncovered? A new paleo diet? A nostalgic picture of a badly dated video game from six years ago? Maybe an embarrassing photo of a minor whom they have turned into a Meme and T-shirt without consent? Let me just click on the link there…

Oh. A theropod wearing French Special Forces style combat gear. I can see why you were alarmed. Very troubling.

Luckily this looks like an advertisement for a gun-nut accessories website. I can’t fathom why they would be promoting dinosaurs, usually gun-nuts are on our side.

I really hope none of that raptor equipment is not functional. Thanks for the letter.

-Ed.

Hi to all,

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-Melodee Willard

Melodee,

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. It is nice to know that honest, hard working spam bots are on our side.

Sincerely,
Ed.

Keep the letters coming.

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Until next time. Subscribe to keep up to date with the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement, if you haven’t already, but I imagine you have.

6 Lies fed to us by The Land Before Time

 

This letter showed up for me in my inbox last week.

To the Editor:
So a lot of the plot of Land Before Time revolves around a magical talking leaf, right?  As I recall from my hazy days of being obsessed with dinosaurs in a non-hostile way, our protagonist is a brontosaurus, and surprisingly visionary for his walnut sized brain.  Brontosaurus type things were from the Jurassic period, while flowering plants did not appear until the cretaceous.  The magical talking leaf had travelled in time!

I could be wrong about all of this.

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,
There are not and have never been magical talking leaves. Not even in the Cretaceous. If a leaf ever talks to you, seek medical attention.
From what I understand from the highly confusing plot of The Land Before Time, Little Foot the brontosaurus (shudder) is being guided by the ghost of his mother. There are so many things wrong with the statement that I just typed that I had to wash my hands just now. I think it is about time that the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement addressed The Land Before Time.

Sincerely,
Ed.

These are the 6 most heinous lies fed to us by The Land Before Time, as well as a few things that it (unintentionally) got right.

6. Dinosaur Speciation and Migration are metaphors for the American Dust Bowl

The Land Before Time is the story of young dinosaurs attempting to migrate “west” to the “great valley”.
_The Land Before Time (Ixche).flv_snapshot_00.09.10_[2014.01.10_11.41.07]
Since Disney released Fantasia, it has been a popular misconception that the reign of Dinosaurs ended with a huge, fruitless death march across a dry and barren Earth. This never happened. The image was so popular, however, that it became the ingrained in the imaginations of multiple generations.

The Land Before Time borrows this image, but adds the “hopeful” idea that if the dinosaurs can make it to this lush and temperate valley, they will be fine. There is plenty of food and everyone else is packing up the family to go there. However the dinosaurs are mistrustful of others who are different from them, and they all have American accents. Yeah, it’s the American Dustbowl migration to California.

This entire story concept is morally atrocious. Dinosaur species are not comparable to the minor racial and cultural differences of human beings. Dinosaurs were a highly diverse array of various lizard-bird monsters with enormously different evolutionary differences. People can have slightly varying coloration and cultural identities. People are not of different species. Dinosaurs evolved into vastly different orders and families. Some dinosaurs evolved to eat one another, whereas some people from Oklahoma have accents. Can you see why this is not a useful metaphor?

The problems of the Dustbowl migration stemmed from people being total assholes to one another based on prejudices that were founded on complete bullshit. Dinosaurs migrating in pods based on species is basic flocking behavior.

This metaphor sucks.

5. Dinosaurs have ghosts

A major component of the story in the film is Little Foot following his mother’s guidance to the valley. Often, he is simply remembering her advice. Then he is visited by her ghost in the clouds, like in The Lion King. (Except this predates Lion King. Also Lion King was a ripoff of Kimba the White Lion.)
_The Land Before Time (Ixche).flv_snapshot_00.56.04_[2014.01.10_11.33.25]
Anyway, can you see what is wrong with that idea? It is an official stance of The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement that if there were dinosaur ghosts, we would be pro-dinosaur ghost readiness. However, if dinosaurs had ghosts, we would all be getting murdered by phantasmal deinonychus like, every day.

So clearly dinosaurs do not have ghosts and this scene is founded on a blatant lie.

4. Physics do not apply to dinosaurs

Don Bluth, the director of this and many other animated films, had a very strange way of changing from scene to scene. Instead of the characters doing something normal, like walking, Don Bluth would just throw them. Seriously.

We meet Little Foot as an egg. The egg is stolen and then dropped, and it then rolls around at about 20 mph, crashing into things for what seems like several miles. Then Little Foot is immediately born and has not only suffered zero injuries, he is directly at his mother’s feet. No one present seems to notice.

In another scene, Cera is elaborating on her encounter with the Tyrannosaur and accidentally launches Ducky 90 feet into the air. She crash lands a quarter mile away. No injuries.
_The Land Before Time (Ixche).flv_snapshot_00.34.11_[2014.01.10_11.36.17]
I understand that this is a children’s cartoon, but if you launch Wile E. Coyote a quarter mile he generally requires medical attention. HE WOULD AT LEAST NOTICE.

Why is this such a problem? Why do we need to show our kids good examples of physics applying to dinosaurs?

When your children are attacked by dinosaurs, do you want them to be like, “Oh my god, a dinosaur! Let’s not use ballistic weaponry or anything else physics based on them because it won’t work. I know this because I saw The Land Before Time. We have to wish the dinosaurs away! Wish as hard as you can!”

No, because if your kids do that, then they will be eaten.

Physics definitely apply to dinosaurs, don’t believe Don Bluth.

3. Dinosaurs experience love and remorse

This one really bothers me. See, I can experience emotions because I am a human being. Dinosaurs do not experience emotions. They are cold killing machines.
_The Land Before Time (Ixche).flv_snapshot_00.52.48_[2014.01.10_11.34.11]
In the movie, the dinosaur children are plagued with guilt and shame and all these layers of human childhood emotional complexity. In real life, the dinosaurs would bite off each other’s arms and then take a nap, totally unperturbed. In fact, dinosaurs probably sleep better after biting something’s arm off, because they get sleepy after meals.

The dinosaurs all seem to love and cherish one another, except for the Tyrannosaur who is accurately portrayed as an unfeeling and violent monster. At least they got the Tyrannosaur right. The other dinosaurs, however, just can’t stop feeling things.

Seriously, Little Foot is so wracked with grief at the loss of his mother, he becomes depressive and unresponsive at points in the film. I mean, people do this. Dogs even do it. Dinosaurs, however, and particularly the big herbivores, just didn’t have the brain capacity.

Dinosaurs do not experience human emotions, this film is lying. Do not attribute feelings to dinosaurs or you will be less ready for them. The Diana Ross theme for the movie, however, is excellent. That is because Diana Ross is a human who experiences emotion, and she has a great voice.

2. Brontosaurus existed

Little Foot and the other “Long Necks” are supposed to be Brontosaurs. There was no such thing as a Brontosaurus. Brontosaurus was the name given to an Apatosaurus skeleton with a Camerasaurus skull modified to fill in for its own skull, missing in the original fossil. The animal never existed.
_The Land Before Time (Ixche).flv_snapshot_00.06.12_[2014.01.10_11.32.50]
And on that note, most of the animals in this film were not contemporaries. Tyrannosaurs and Dimetrodon were nearly 160 million years removed, yet they appear in the film on the same day. And Petrie is a flying reptile, not a dinosaur. This film has many taxonomic inaccuracies.

So basically, Little Foot is the equivalent of a Jackalope.

Robert Bakker has argued that two of the known species of Apatosaurus are different enough to warrant a new genus, and then that genus would be called Brontosaurus after the original mock up. However, Little Foot’s skull still resembles the incorrect Camerasaurus skull and such an animal did not exist. Also, sauropods could not speak English.

1. Tyrannosaurs could not swim
_The Land Before Time (Ixche).flv_snapshot_00.54.56_[2014.01.10_11.34.50]
Near the climax of the film, the dinosaur children concoct a plan to murder the Tyrannosaurus in a preemptive ambush. Normally I would comment on how morbid that is, but given that this is a Tyrannosaur we are talking about, I should hope our children do the same.

It is the official stance of the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement that it is a good thing for children to hatch murder plots against Tyrannosaurs.
_The Land Before Time (Ixche).flv_snapshot_00.55.02_[2014.01.10_11.35.08]
Anyway, the plan is to knock the Tyrannosaur into deep water because he will then drown. The logic behind this idea is that Tyrannosaurs have short arms, and thus are not useful in aqueous locomotion.

It looks like a goddamn crocodile. Huge, muscular tail. Streamlined body. Powerful legs. Tyrannosaurus, just by looks alone, could definitely swim. If you don’t buy that, there is also fossil evidence of swimming Tyrannosaurs.

The dinosaur children’s plan is flawed for many reasons (risky bait, reliance on the cunning of animals with brains the size of walnuts, unreliable signaling methods). But trying to kill a Tyrannosaur by assuming it will drown instantly in deep water is incredibly foolish. Never trust a Tyrannosaur to drown. Never trust a Tyrannosaur.

A much more reliable means of killing a Tyrannosaur preemptively would be to hit it with a nuclear warhead. It is the official stance of the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement that it is morally acceptable for children to nuke large theropods.

***
SUPER AWESOME NEWS!
Dinosaurs! WTF? Is now offering merchandise. Show your support for The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement with a cool logo t-shirt, an Allosaurus skeleton mug, or Conservative Dinosaur Readiness footie pajamas.
***

Subscribe if you dig email notifications. I love it when you folks tweet about the website, too. Thanks for supporting the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement

Letters to the Editor and Site Updates

Site Updates

Thanks to those of you who have been tweeting about the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement. We have added a widget to track your tweets so that the movement can grow (thanks, Rachel). Traffic and support for the movement has exploded lately, and that is specifically due to your efforts in spreading the movement. If traffic keeps up like this, I think we can start running Conservative Dinosaur Readiness platform Congressional candidates in the United States by about 2018. So keep tweeting.

Some of you are asking for mugs and t-shirts with the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement logo on them. I was cautious at first, because I worry about you being assaulted by dinosaur sympathizers, but I think we need to defiantly stand against the mainstream. I will be putting together a shop for these items in the coming year.

I received a few comments complaining that the text on the website was too small, so I made it bigger by about 20%. Some nice people offered to give me nicer webfonts, but I am not totally convinced that they are not actually internet savvy Troodonts.

Anyway, let’s get to reader mail before dinosaurs murder us all.

 

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,

What are your thoughts on Therizinosaurus? They are ostensibly herbivorous, but they are also theropods, and we know what they’re like. That plus their gigantic size and the largest claws of any animal ever make them obvious killing machines. Am I being uncharitable or are these creatures as much a threat as their flesh-eating brethren?

Regards,
Suspicious of Talons

Dear Suspicious,
My thoughts are that just because a murderer doesn’t eat its victims doesn’t make it any less of a murderer. Vegans can be murderers, too. In fact, a vegetable loving dinosaur probably murders because it is angry about loving vegetables. I will be covering this creepy Big Bird wannabe in a post soon.

Thanks for the letter,
Ed.

This next fellow reached out to me on Reddit (a cesspool of filth and ignorance):

Sir,

For the record, Peter Larson is one of the few members of the paleontological community who supports Nanotyrannus as a valid taxon. I would like to stress that I personally am not very well versed on this particular issue of whether or not Nanotyrannus is its own species or simply a juvenile T. rex. He is a commercial paleontologist who digs up fossils in order to sell them for profit, and they frequently go into private hands rather than to museums. In fact, the name of his institution, The Black Hills Institute of Geological Research, is fairly misleading because as far as I am aware, and please correct me if I am wrong, they do not actually actively pursue research. This does not mean that he is necessarily wrong, but it is true that at the moment, the scientific community as a whole does not agree with his opinion on this matter. At the same time, this particular debate is one of several all wrapped up in a controversy over “ontogeny” (change and development due to ageing) and how it relates to various species – that is to say that there are several groups of dinosaurs, of which Nanotyrannus and T. rex are one group, which have been hypothesized to be simply different developmental stages of the same animal. The evidence for these claims varies between the groups, and the jury is still out over all on which ones will ultimately be accepted.

-HuxleyPHD

Dear Huxley,
I suggest you read Tyrannosaurid Paleobiology, edited by Currie and Molnar. I think Larsen does a pretty good job defending Nanotyrannus in that book. As far as the Black Hills Institute, I have never visited in person because they keep finding fucking dinosaurs there and I’m not an idiot. Why they continue to keep an office in what is CLEARLY DINOSAUR TERRITORY is beyond me.

Thanks for your comments,
Ed.

Send letters or offer me a book deal already.

Reader Mail October 2013: Turok?

Dear Editor,

When I was a kid, there was this amazing dinosaur hunting simulator called Turok. It trained me to fear, respect, hate, and kill the dinosaur (in that order). I learned dinos aren’t something to mess around with but also their weaknesses–such as their pathetic susceptibility to exploding arrows.

Turok was a great for me, but I find myself worrying about my children. I wonder: “how will they learn to protect themselves?” We all know the best way to raise kids is to give them an Xbox and sit them in front of the television. The question parents need to ask themselves is: “what games are my kids learning from?” I, for one, want my kids to have healthy levels of hatred and fear for dinosaurs (as well as a working knowledge concerning how to destroy them).

Do you know of any good modern dinosaur combat sims? I know there was a new Turok in 2008, but it kinda stunk.

-Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned Parent,
I understand your situation. Turok taught children to murder and fear dinosaurs first as a comic book, before video games were available in homes as they are today. Turok showed that you didn’t have to be a rich white man with fancy weapons to defend yourself from dinosaurs. You just had to have heart, and some athleticism. And a large knife.

Today, there are only two kinds of video games. Games about killing zombies, and games about killing soldiers. These games are an exercise in redundancy, as zombies do not exist and soldiers can be beaten by not funding them.

Zombie games are totally pointless. Not only are zombies completely over done and boring, they are never going to happen. Forest fires are going to happen. Math class is going to happen. The Theropodcalypse is (probably) going to happen. But not zombies, ever. I imagine a new video game where you control a band of fire fighters who are good at math, using their skills to outwit their dinosaur opponents with controlled burns, calculus, and fire axes.

That game would be sweet. It would be called “Super FDNY Theropod Blast! with Calculus” and it would be made by Capcom, because they can make anything entertaining.

Thanks for the letter.

-Ed.

Protoceratops is not cute, it will bite your freaking arm off.

Protoceratops was a monstrous, armored, parrot-beaked killer, and the LIBERAL MEDIA needs to stop portraying it as cute. Ceratopsia was not a cuddly-if-ill-mannered bunch. Part of what frustrates me so much, as Editor of this illustrious Conservative Dinosaur Readiness blog, is that this cutesy portrayal is a fairly new problem that people should have been able to recognize and avoid.

Before people knew about Protoceratops as a dinosaur, it may have been the basis for the myth of the Griffon. Some ancient prospectors would be in the mountains, looking for gold and drinking ancient saspirella, and they would run across a fossilized nest with a skull sitting by it that LOOKED LIKE A FREAKING EAGLE LION. They would not say, “Gee, how cute.” They would say “Holy shit, ancient prospecting buddy, we should really leave because there seem to be crazy lion eagle monsters out here, as you can see from this evidence. We should leave and warn people so that they aren’t eaten by monsters, because we are good ancient world citizens.”

But no, now Protoceratops is a super cute pal, according to pop culture. This movement to cutesy-fy this terrifying animal feels distinctly early-90’s to me, sort of like how Tiny Toon Adventures and Tazmania! tried to make the Tasmanian Devil into a cute and lovable guy. I really worry about human instinct and the desire to make monsters cute, as opposed to burning them with fire.

Protoceratops was famously found locked in mortal combat with a velociraptor. This animal, the size of a guard dog, was fossilized with its beak firmly locked around the theropod’s arm. That is a death grip. Do you think you could bite into a velociraptor and not let go for 100 million years? Does that sound like the sort of beast you would want hanging around your family?

Look at how ridiculous the media and our children have made this violent death parrot seem.

kidsdigdinos.com

kidsdigdinos.com

In that drawing, from kidsdigdinos.com, you see what appears to be a cuddly poodle thing who just wants to smile and look with wonder upon your middle class way of life. Think again. That thing would murder you the second it figured out how to open your vegetable crisper. Kids dig dinos? More like Dinosaurs need to be buried forever.

Protoceratops2
In this one we see a delightful little beast in one of our publicly funded parks, trimming the shrubbery. His eyes are raised to the heavens, and sun beams down on him as he helps maintain the landscaping. WRONG. Protoceratops would stake out a claim in your playground, dig a nest, and then violently defend its territory while tending to the next generation of spiteful gryphon spawn.
ProtoceratopsMIB1a
Oh, and this is rich. Dinosaurs and humans engaging in teamwork to defend the Earth. Dinosaurs defend ONLY THEIR CLAIM ON ALL OF CREATION. Protoceratops, if given heat seeking missile technology, would fire its entire payload at your community garden shed and then build a nest for its broodlings.

Its time we turn around the LIBERAL MEDIA’s concept of a friendly Protoceratops. Please submit ACCURATELY VIOLENT portraits of Protoceratops to the editor through the contact page. I will post submitted art in next month’s reader mail.

Letters to the Editor September 2013: Toddzilla Raids Again & The Third Craziest Thing I Have Ever Read

Dear Editor,

I am concerned that in your 8/13/2013 reply to “Todd” you neglected to reassure your readers of the true threat of contaminated-water-spawned dinoradiation. If the photo accompanying your post is an indication of the future, I, for one, am terrified.

As a resident living on the shores of Our Great Lakes, the nagging possibility-fear of radiation exposure lies under the surface of our cheery, fulfilled lives. Take as exhibits A-M (1) the fires on our waterways. Doubtlessly, this was a cleansing era preparing the way for the entrance of creatures more abominable than whatever other threat you’ve been rambling about in your recent posts. You have correctly identified the true creature of horror in your recent response.

I must know the answer in order to release my death grip on my imitation pearls…

Does the letter writer also live on the shores of the Great Lakes? Is “Toddzilla” an emerging biohazardous threat evolved from dinosaurs, “global warming” and neoliberal overindulgence? If I am correct in my assumptions, we must gather sharp implements and match at once! Though I must say, this “Todd” fellow in the photo looks physically intimidating – but also approachable… approachable until it’s too late! How are you protecting us from “Todd”/”Toddzilla” and his/its doubtless large cohort of friends/mutated creatures?
Signed,
Outraged, But Shaken!

Well, OBS;

Todd is physically intimidating and his friends are, as a rule, strange mutants. Last I checked he lives in Greater Cleveland and spends his time playing club sports. However, I can confirm he is a mammal, so I’m not too worried.

I think you may be overstating the danger with him. Sometimes I wonder about the amount of weirdly paranoid mail I get. I mean, I don’t encourage paranoia.

Take care,
-Ed.

…speaking of which:

Editor,

Long time reader, first time writer. This blog has been wonderfully informative; as a homemaker/mother of seven, I am so relieved to have a straight-talking blog that gives me all the tools I might need to protect my family in the event of a dinosaur uprising. I write, however, not to praise but to raise awareness. I came across some incredibly disturbing news that I felt obligated, as a good Samaritan, PTA president, and all-around decent woman to share with you and your readers.

In 1966, a Peruvian doctor named Javier Cabrera Darquea began collecting an unusual archaeological artifact: large stones found in the Ica region of Peru containing pre-Incan carvings. These stones were discovered amongst other funerary relics in the pre-Incan burial grounds of Max Uhle and Toma Luz. One of these stones depicted crude drawings of what appear to be your garden-variety dinosaurs: your t-rexes, your triceratopis, what have you.

This is real life Jurassic Park, only with less scientists—I don’t think they had invented science yet—and more dinosaur cohabitation. As if this news weren’t shocking enough, the stones themselves belie even more debauchery: the dinosaurs seemed to have been comfortable enough with humans to pose nude as artists’ models in a series of these carvings. If they were willing to debase themselves in this way, we can only imagine what other sorts of unwholesome activities they might have engaged in. After all, we know how artists can be with their love-ins and promiscuity. I pray for them every day.

My point, dear Editor, is this: I believe the dinosaurs were capable of incredible deviousness and sin. For all we know, those artists and dinosaurs copulated, producing offspring with subtle dinosaur characteristics in their DNA that may still walk among us. They clearly wormed their way into the people’s trust, establishing themselves as pillars of the community, only to breed dino-sapien hybrids and then devour the entire population. After all, why were the stones found only in pre-Incan cemeteries? By the time the Incans got there, the pre-Incans were already dead.

Dinosaurs bring death and destruction. We must never again make the mistake of letting them into our homes, our bohemian studios, or our beds.

Cordially, Ica-ramba!*

*Pun on ¡Ay, caramba!, a Mexican proverb indicating surprise. My eldest, an honors student, is taking sophmore-level Spanish in the 7th grade!

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The artifact in question.

 

Dear Ica,

While I agree with your overall thesis that dinosaurs need to be kept away from our homes and art spaces, I fear that you have fallen for a contemporary dinosaur hoax.

The dinosaur bearing stones you mention were faked using (literal) bullshit and a dentist’s drill, like most cultural artifacts from the 1960’s. This sort of thing happens all the time, these days, and you have to develop a sense for what dinosaur hoaxes look like. It all sort of boils down to understanding what behaviors a dinosaur would prioritize if encountered by humans. Here is an excerpt from the more comprehensive list, in order of likelihood.
Upon meeting a human, a dinosaur will take one of the following actions:

  • Murder.
  • Pierce with claws/horns out of curiosity.
  • Pierce with claws/horns due to carelessness.
  • Attempt to eat the human alive.

The list goes on, but you get the idea. Any time you are presented with someone (or have evidence of someone) who claims to have encountered a dinosaur but does not seem to have been murdered, pierced with talons, or eaten alive, ask yourself: Do I have incontrovertible proof that this person is incapable of lying or being fooled?
Stay vigilant,
-Ed.

 

Keep them letters coming and remember to subscribe.

Reader Mail August 2013: Godzilla and Toddzilla

Dear Editor,

I’m surprised and a little concerned that you’ve yet to mention the most dangerous of dinosaur threats: Godzilla.  Maybe you were going to get to talking about Godzilla eventually, but I can’t take the chance that you weren’t.

I mean, Godzilla is the biggest dinosaur, AND he can breath fire.  Plus, he emerges from and lives in the ocean.  THAT PLACE IS HUGE.  For all we know, Godzillas aren’t even extinct, merely biding there time at the bottom of the Pacific.  We’ve only just recently seen a live giant squid, what makes us think we’d have necessarily detected a colony of Godzillas down there?

I just want to know how we should prepare ourselves against the Godzilla threat.  Building a giant robot Godzilla has been suggested in the past, but that idea seems risky.  What if it sympathizes with the real Godzilla and turns against its creators?  Then we’d have yet another Godzilla to worry about.

– Sincerely,
Concerned Citizen

P.S. What kind of dinosaur is Godzilla by the way?  Is Godzilla the name of the dinosaur or is it a proper noun?  Or is it both, like how some people name their cat Cat?

Dear Citizen,

Ah, yes. The Godzilla problem. I try to keep the news on this blog timely and with the new Godzilla film arriving fairly soon, I was intending to cover it close to release. However, I agree that this is a good time to bring this issue to light.

Godzilla is a radioactively mutated member of the fictional Megalosaur species “Godzillasaurus”, as Raymond Burr explains in the American localization of the first film. While Godzillasaurus is fictional, there is a Godzilla species named for the film monster– however it is a marine reptile, not a dinosaur. It is most certainly extinct. However you bring up good points.
FACT: Mutations occur in cross species breeding that can bring about gargantuan size in offspring.
FACT: Fukushima is presently dumping tons of radioactive water into the ocean.
FACT: There is presently NO INTERNATIONAL PLAN for an amphibious giant monster attack.

Godzilla serves as a cautionary tale. Mankind cannot be trusted with the power of the Atomic Age. Nature DEFINITELY cannot be trusted with the power of the Atomic age. Is a Godzilla scenario plausible? Yes. Who knows how likely?

The only solution to giant monsters is giant robots. As we have seen, however, the government is more interested in air-to-teenager drone warfare than actually defending anyone from anything. When we need a giant defender robot, will we be prepared for the Godzilla scenario or any other dinosaur scenario? Seems pretty unlikely if you keep voting for politicians instead of Del Toro.
Thanks for the letter.

-Ed.

To the editor,

I am appalled that in America businesses celebrate and profit off of these monsters.  I have even seen circumstances of amusement parks enacting terror on patrons as if to predict how humans react to the terror.

I question if the reason the turtle has survived to date because they are quiet and subtle?  Anyhow any possible way you can tie sharkweek into a future blog.
-Todd

Dear Todd,
I too am appalled by the blatant profiteering that surrounds dinosaurs. You would think that no one watched or read Jurassic Park. It does seem strange that theme parks and zoos seem to strive to get the public to engage with dinosaurs as though they are exhibit animals to be profited from. Perhaps Dinosaur sympathizers are trying to desensitize the public to dinosaurs? Then when the theropods show up, will anyone run like a sensible person? No. They will line up for photos– ironically capturing the moment of their evisceration.
Turtles survived the reign of the dinosaurs because they made themselves hard targets. That is what America will have to do if she wants to survive the theropodcalypse.
As for Shark Week, I am steering clear of it. That preposterous Megalodon “documentary” is one of the sorriest excuses for educational television I have ever heard of. Megalodon is clearly extinct. It was wiped out by many of the much more terrifying modern sea monsters. Suggesting that an extinct animal is not actually extinct with little or no evidence is self defeating, ridiculous, and an insult to the audience’s intelligence. Thanks for the photo and the letter.

-Ed.
SAMSUNG