2013-2014 Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement Awards
The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement is rapidly approaching its first birthday (June 21). In honor of this event, and all of you fine political pioneers who have supported the movement in its first year, Dinosaurs! WTF? will bestow awards on our greatest contributing subscribers. All subscribers will be considered for honors. There is no need to apply for an award, I have already googled all of your email accounts and twitter handles, so I know all about you.
There will be awards for best letter to the editor, most outspoken defender of the movement, least likely to be a theropod in disguise, worthiest foe of the movement, and so on. There will be a fabulous prizes attached to each award, although I have no idea what they will be.
I’ll be considering for the awards up until June, so feel free to do something for the D!WTF? cause before then.
Happy Birthday Mary Anning
I swear to god you will get a real article at some point, Mary. Happy Birthday and thanks for the early warning about dinosaurs.
Letters to the Editor, May ’14
After the last article, movement supporter @sablehawk and I discussed Chi Gung and Tai Chi as ways to deal with raptors. On twitter:
@dinosaurswtf I think Chi Gung is an excellent tool for fighting the raptor hordes. First I teach class, find inner peace, then buy a rifle.
— sablehawk (@sablehawk) May 9, 2014
Later, he wrote to me at length. Sablehawk writes:
Perhaps this could be adapted for use. This is based on actual conversations with a mystic holy man who lives in the woods of Tennessee.
I felt I should give you a deeper answer on using Tai Chi to battle dinosaurs, so I spoke with a local Master.
Sablehawk: Can we use Tai Chi to battle dinosaurs?
Master: That statement is actually deeply Zen, I’m glad you have advanced so far.
Sablehawk: um, thanks? Why?
Master: Tai Chi is the ultimate fighting form, but since dinosaurs do not currently exist, combat must remain pleasantly metaphoric. Since Tai Chi is the ultimate meditation form, teaching you to communicate with your body through the symbols of martial arts, you are proposing a symbolic battle with metaphoric enemies. Clearly you are working to grasp your deeper issues through meditation, excellent.
Sablehawk: Actually, I mean real dinosaurs.
Master: Well, Tai Chi with dinosaurs is a very interesting topic. Having experienced them in a dream, I can tell you that they are a bright and terrible life, shining in energy but desolate in deeper ambitions. They know nothing of wood and earth, planning and balance. They survive on Yang metal and Yin water, the kinetic pursuit of goals.
Obviously, the ones who survived in dream are seen as dragons of fire and water; their desire for continued life extends past all sensible conclusions. I recommend against becoming like them and worry about your avatar’s continued existence if you try to commune with them.
Sablehawk: They can eat me in my dreams?
Master: Probably not, as you are just a student, but by the time you are a master, yes.
Sablehawk: How might that impact actual interaction with actual-incarnate dinosaurs?
Master: Clearly creatures of a previous, and regrettably future, incarnation have a lot to tell us. It would be interesting to interact with them to determine how they lived. Obviously, a lot of people share this inclination, which will undoubtedly be the cause of their coming resurrection. They have predicted as much.
Sablehawk: Can we fight them with Tai Chi?
Master: Tai Chi is used to understand them. The study of them would develop an animal style which would generate a fighting style to combat them. Set aside the strengths of their attack, Yang, and penetrate the weaknesses of their defenses, Yin.
Sablehawk: So are you studying them in dreams to find their weaknesses?
Master: No, I bought a Saiga with a 20 round drum for back-up in case the .308 Sniper doesn’t do the trick. Oh and of course the Glock and the 1911, but hey, you knew I carried those. Tai Chi is great and all, but I live out in the woods and can’t count on the cops to respond inside 30 minutes.
So there you have it. Dinosaurs will fucking eat you in your dreams. This martial arts thing has made for some really weird posts, even by my standards.
Thanks to Sablehawk for the letter. If you want to send me a letter, shoot me one through our contact page. Also, buy a goddamn mug. Ryan Marten designs these beautiful mugs and you people tell me they look great and then never buy any. What is that even about.