Category Archives: Cautionary Tales

Dinosaur Crime Scenes: Silence of the Majungasaurus!

Dinosaurs were committing heinous crimes during the Mesozoic; crimes so terrible that I have to cover them for the next couple of weeks on my vaguely public conservative internet blog. Welcome to the new feature Dinosaur Crime Scenes.

The Crime: Cannibalism

“A Centrosaurus once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.”

In news that I didn’t find surprising at all, there is evidence from a 2007 paper published in Nature that Majungasaurus, an abelisaur sort of similar to Carnotaurus, was a freaking cannibal. Many of the fossils of Majungasaurus were found with Majungasaurus feeding marks on their bones.

It seems that the only disgusting taboo that dinosaurs have not been found guilty of yet is mixing toothpaste with orange juice, and that’s only because dinosaurs never brushed their teeth (insert tiny T. Rex arms joke here).

Majungasaurus was already a nasty predator. Majungasaurus most likely weakened its prey by biting and then holding on with teeth that were designed to clutch instead of slice inward. This prey would have included medium sized sauropods like Rapetosaurus and Rob Ford.

As for the cannibalism? This behavior involved stiff competition for food, according to scientists. But I wager it probably had more to do with typical theropod self-loathing and the inherent evil within the hearts of all dinosaurs (citation needed).
majung
How Heinous Was It?

Despite the fact that no one normal cares, scientists question whether the animals killed each other or were eating already fallen comrades. Some scientists say it is unclear whether the dinosaurs were hunting one another or just scavenging off of each others’ corpses. Contributing artist and Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement supporter William Moore seemed to think this was a question that mattered.

Though he claims to be a vegetarian, William said “If I had no other choice [in a wilderness survival situation]? Of course I would [scavenge off of your corpse]. Why wouldn’t I?”

Movement supporter Timmy H. commented, when asked whether he would scavenge on the corpse of a fallen comrade, “It’s certainly an interesting question.”

I immediately amended my Last Will and Testament to dictate that none of my friends were allowed to eat me if they wanted to remain in my extremist political movement. I thought most people were against cannibalism, but apparently it’s all about context now.

The Donner Party could not be reached for questioning.

 

HEY! D!WTF? has a new twitter account! Go follow @dinosaurswtf on twitter!

CAUTIONARY TALES OF ‘SAURS: Red Rock Dawn

Let me try to explain, in clear English, what the dinosaur apocalypse will look like in Denver if the chicken companies, the Denver populace, and all of humanity do not change their ways. This is a new feature. I am calling it “CAUTIONARY TALES OF ‘SAURS.”

It would all start innocuously enough. Perdue Chicken would begin selling chicken breasts that would actually be 1/6th of a slice of “chicken breast”. The “chickens” that these cuts of meat came from would actually be enormous gene modified animals, chickens modified genetically so that they would reach sizes of 90 pounds (approx 41 kg for those of you in reasonable nations). These modifications would not be difficult, chickens still have the option to be huge encoded within their DNA because they are fucking dinosaurs.

Due to the extreme hippy anti-science outcry against these developments that would take place as soon as these GMO’s came to light, the animals would not sell well. After off loading as many giant chickens as possible to the ridiculously huge United States prison system, Perdue would find that they still had animals left over. They would be shipped all over, ending up in pet food, pillow stuffings, and Happy Meals. But there would be an accident.

A truck might flip over, or maybe a farm’s security would be compromised. Maybe some fool would try to take a giant chicken home as a pet, having skipped the day where his 7th grade class read The Mysterious Island. A cadre of these chickens would escape. Hold on. WAIT A SECOND.

I SWEAR TO GOD STEVEN SPIELBERG, IF YOU SCOOP THESE IDEAS FOR A FUCKING JURASSIC PARK REBOOT I WILL SUE YOUR ATARI LICENSING ASS INTO FLINT, MICHIGAN. However if you are not Steven Spielberg and you work for Bollywood and you want to get a movie deal going, I have a contact page. Anyhoo.

So yeah, chickens would escape. Chickens are birds, birds are dinosaurs, birds exhibit tool use and social intelligence AND THEY WOULD ESCAPE.

I have discussed in brief the process of referalization on this blog and let me tell you, those GMO giant chickens would referalize faster than twerking flies under a Gen Xer’s radar. And what better place for chickens to referalize than Denver, Colorado? Where the phu flows like wine and the rabbits are so tame they wait at bus stops? Where life size dinosaur totems are so common that people don’t bat an eye at seeing a roaming theropod on the streets?

When a GMO super chicken referalized, it would change in very drastic ways. Its claws, unclipped, would grow to allow it better purchase on the dusty turf. The breast and thigh muscles that were bred into huge lumps of meat by selective farmers would convert into enormous, hard muscles. The wings, long useless but for fluttering, would serve as stabilizers to allow the beast perfect aerial control over long leaps and bounds. Maybe, given a generation, the tail would re-evolve into a useful counter balance for delivering brutal, slashing kicks. You know what else chickens are selectively bred for? Cock fighting. And you’re all cuddling your rescued pitbulls. What good is a tame pitbull against an atavist Deinonychus?

A few pets would go missing, the populace would blame coyotes. No one would realize what was happening until that fateful day… The Red Rock Dawn. THE THEROPODCALYPSE.

Animal attacks in Boulder. Animal attacks in Colorado Springs. A rabies outbreak? DOES RABIES HAVE PACK MENTALITY? The cable news networks would be too busy covering Taylor Swift’s uncouth comments at the Tony Awards. You wouldn’t even notice.

Day two of The Theropodcalypse would be a united offensive against the residents of Denver. This is a town where they line up the entire shopping district in a two mile stretch. You know what can violently assault things at 45 miles per hour in a straight line really easily? Theropods.

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE THEROPODS, COLORADO!

By day three, there would be no Denver. The enemy would have a stronghold on American soil. And what would congress do? Argue about whether you should get free healthcare.

Is this what you want America to look like? A dinosaur feeding ground? If you want to support the movement, I highly recommend sending a tweet to Perdue Chicken to ask them to stop this madness. We need to get them to ban theropods from their livestock pools and invest in educating the public on the dangers of carnivorous dinosaurs. I have been tweeting at them for a month now, to no avail. Maybe a united effort would change their minds?