Monthly Archives: June 2015

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Reblog: ‘Pachy’ is a racist nickname rant by Guzzy Bear.

Edit: Make sure you check out his other work on youtube, Guzzy Bear is one of the great philosophers of our time.
Guzzy Bear’s channel

Jurassic World was so fly.

This week, Ryan Martin, long time contributor and Conservative Dinosaur Readiness fashion designer, reviews Jurassic World.

 

Jurassic World was so fly.

Oh hey, I couldn’t help but notice your disgusted look when I used the term “fly.” I used it because, just like “fly,” Jurassic World is both firmly rooted in its 1990’s predecessor, Jurassic Park, and a vulgar homage to the time period it’s from.

You see, Jurassic World‘s biggest strength is that, unlike the quirky but dumb action movie that The Lost World was and the “SyFy Original” garbage dump that was Jurassic Park 3, it brings back many of the themes and tropes that were so beloved about the original Jurassic Park. Here we get another theme park full of dinosaurs… but supercharged! The park is open and it’s full of walking talking dino-chow carryout. Dad is massaging his forehead as little Suzy asks to ride the mini-triceratops one more time; the TV’s are sponsored by Samsung; the silver car is sponsored by Mercedes.

Here we get back the debate between scientific responsibility and fiscal masturbation… but SUPERcharged! No longer do the scientists and park employees sit back and LOL as their genetically modified monsters push the boundaries of what we’re comfortable accepting. Now they cry and spit and get angry as the dollar-signs-that-be finally realize what incredible assholes they’ve become because OF COURSE creating “Predator: The Dinosaur” was a bad fucking idea.

Here in Jurassic World, we pay homage to the cast of experts, naive children and business tycoons Jurassic Park had made into household names… but SUPERCHAAAAARGED IT! Yeah, Ellie and Tim were cute, smart and terrified and all, but now we’ve got… erm… Justin Efron and Squirrel Girl: the older brother who I guess tweens are supposed to relate to due to his disdain for fun and completely ineffectual yet voracious pursuit of girls and the younger brother, who is both profoundly academic and emotionally crippled by his upbringing in the upper-middle class lifestyle. You ever wanted to see John Hammond fly the helicopter himself? The newest mogul of Jurassic World will! Unfortunately this is the only character trait he has, since he spends the rest of the movie being John Hammond, except somehow possibly less apologetic for the irresponsible amounts of money and tourists he throws at monsters.

The elemental escalation of its predecessor worked in a lot of ways to make Jurassic World very enjoyable. The material it had to work with from Jurassic Park is almost unarguably stellar. Jurassic Park was the perfect movie, and to take the things that made it awesome and send it to the battlefield packing heat was a good move. As one might expect you, Jurassic World loses a bit of the quiet subtlety that Jurassic Park had. You’re not going to have a quiet but passionate philosophical debate over Chilean sea bass in Jurassic World. The most you’re going to get is Chris Pratt explaining to his continuously disrespected co-worker played by Bryce Dallas Howard about how the dinosaurs are living creatures before showing off his impression of an actor in a 1950’s workplace sexual harassment video. You’re not going to watch Ian Malcolm angrily tell Dr. Hammond how ethically wrong his park his, you’re going to watch “Predator: The Dinosaur” tear through squishy humans until Chris Pratt summons the power of positive training (which are AMAZING scenes by the way and by far my favorite parts of the movie) to rally his dino companions to save the day.

Pictured: A sexual Tyrannosaurus.

Pictured: A sexual Tyrannosaurus.

And that’s ok. Jurassic World is an awesome monster movie. The cinematography is gorgeous, the pacing was solid, the action and effects were great and although it definitely isn’t a character driven story (or at the very least, a good one) a lot of the lines were very good and funny. The actors were really into their roles. If you’re looking for good action spliced together with the poignant subtleties Jurassic Park had to offer, Jurassic World might be a little disappointing to you, but out of the three sequels to Jurassic Park that exist, Jurassic World pays the most honor by far to the original and is phenomenally fun movie to watch.

I give it 7 mud caked stiletto heels out of 10.

-Ryan Martin

 

Next week, I (Editor) will explain why everything that went wrong in Jurassic World is the fault of dinosaur-human workplace fraternization. Subscribe or send me angry letters.

The Nihilist MTV Flintstones

It came to my attention through twitter the other day that an “author” for MTV News had partially lifted and severely dumbed down some content from this blog for one of those cringey GIF listicles. I’m not going to link it, because fuck their traffic, but if you follow my twitter you can find it pretty easily. The content was a couple of jokes from my archive, in particular a few about how dinosaurs don’t have feelings. The writer took out my highbrow punchlines and rephrased them (added a cat). I wouldn’t quite call it a cut and paste case of plagiarism, but it definitely qualifies as a Mencia.

This is what happens.

This hurt my feelings. How hard is it to link to my political extremism blog?

So I made a comic about it… a REVENGE comic. It is called “The Nihilist MTV Flintstones.” It is about how the Nihilists who write for MTV are unfeeling, dead-inside cavemen. Pretending not to care about anything in order to be cool in the 90’s has led the Nihilist MTV Flintstones to lose their humanity. Oh well.

Enjoy!

nihilist flintstones

 

Hey wow that was so uplifting SUBSCRIBE