Monthly Archives: September 2014

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Stop Giving Dinosaurs Cool Names

Rhinorex. Dreadnoughtus. Kryptodrakon. Are these the awesome XBOX Live handles of your teenaged cousin? No. They are names of newly discovered prehistoric monsters.

Listen up, scientists.  You need to stop naming dinosaurs such cool things. I know you feel underappreciated and you want your work to be recognized, but think of the children. Children are already exposed to enough pro-dinosaur rhetoric as it is. Why do you insist on naming dinosaurs such cool things? Are you trying to make children idolize dinosaurs? Are you cigarette salesmen? Is the next sauropod discovery going to be Joecamelsaurus?

“But Editor,” I bet you’re saying out loud to the screen, “We have to name dinosaurs something. If you’re so smart, why don’t you name them for us.”

GLAD YOU ASKED, SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY!

What follows is a list of suggested uncool names for future dinosaur discoveries.

 

Giant Sauropod

 

Humilisaurus “Low Self-Esteem Lizard”

Bromolentus “The Stinking Lazy One”

Oscularisordidosaurus “The Sloppy Kissing Lizard”

 

Theropod

 

Deinohalitus “Terrible Breath”

Donald Rumsfeld  “Donald Rumsfeld”

Redditophaganax “Internet Shit Eating Master”

 

Ceratopsian

 

Praetereoceratops “Totally Skippable Horned Face”

 

Ornithomimid

 

Hoobastankomimus “Emo Mimic”

 

Hadrosaur

 

Molestanasaurus “Boring Duck Lizard”

Weepydontis “Weepy Toothed”

 

hoobastankomimus

I want to impress upon you, scientists, your responsibility to the people in making sure these names are used. No more Harry Potter references. No more “super best most awesome lizard king” bullshit Latin names, just because they sound cool. Name dinosaurs responsibly.

Do you want to send me angry emails about giving dinosaurs cool names? Shoot me mail here. I also appreciate subscriptions and when you buy my mugs.

5 Ways Triceratops is Mocking Humanity

Triceratops is one of the most recognizable dinosaurs. It is frequently cited by misguided children as their “favorite dinosaur” (ugh). But Triceratops really doesn’t need any more ego boosting. Its head is already huge. And what does it do with all of its success and popularity? It mocks you. Triceratops is mocking you because it thinks it is better than you. Let’s consider all the ways it is flaunting its good fortune over humanity.

Thanks to Will Moore for the art.

Thanks to Will Moore for the art.

5. Triceratops was a survivor.

 

Are you walking around with a label on your shirt that says something about your clothes company or brewery being established some time in the last millennia? Jeez, no wonder Triceratops is so smug. While you walk around acting like the survival of a college since 1809 is some great accomplishment, Triceratops is gloating over a reign of 2 million years. Closing out the age of dinosaurs, on top of that.

So yeah, don’t go around posting that your bar was established in 2010 and expecting Triceratops to be impressed. For one, its tiny brain couldn’t understand the concept of things being established for calendar years that are labeled with written language. But more importantly, your accomplishment is stupidly insignificant compared to ceratopsian longevity.

 

4. Triceratops had supportive friends.

 

Triceratops is also laughing at you because of your useless wuss friends. Your friends would suggest that they ‘have your back for real, bro’, but they are puny worthless cowards compared to Triceratops friends.

If you got in trouble with the drug cartels, would your buddies fight the gangsters with you? No. No, they would not. They would sit there chewing on kale chips and watching netflix and casually feigning concern.

Now imagine that the gangsters were Tyrannosaurs. Triceratops friends were all over that shit. They would travel and feed in groups and take on Tyrannosaurs like it was routine. That’s why Triceratops is so friggin’ self righteous about everything, and why it laughs at you every time you have trouble finding a friend willing to drive you home from dental surgery.

 

3. Triceratops was a confident open carry practitioner.

 

There is nothing more easily mocked by Triceratops than a human gun rights protester.

Human gun rights protesters go to Tim Horton’s in awkward groups of fourteen or so, trying to hold homemade signs about “Pry This From My Cold Dead Hands, ‘Bama” while brandishing squirrel poppin’ guns. Or maybe they stand out on the town hall lawn of a town that barely requires a hall to govern, and wave around vaguely legal assault weaponry while chanting about snakes that are unhappy about being stepped on. Does that behavior suggest confidence to you?

Because Triceratops did not require a Tim Horton’s as a stage for its weapons displays. Triceratops was so IN-YOUR-FACE with its weaponry, that it literally wore them on its face. Constantly. Triceratops was so confident with weapons that scientists argue whether the gun rack on its head actually mattered for self defense at all, or if it was just there for sex appeal and the cool factor.

The literal cool factor, I mean. It might have functioned to regulate body temperature. But anyway, the point is Triceratops did not give a fuck on such a scale that makes Charlton Heston seem like he was basically ambivalent on the gun question.

 

2. Triceratops had community child care.

 

Okay, well maybe you figure that people don’t need to be tough survivor-fighter types. Maybe you figure that humans can take the moral high ground, with our advanced simian social support systems.

Wrong again, stupid monkey.

Here in the United States, human beings can’t even agree that maternity leave from full-time employment is a thing that should exist. Ceratopsians not only protected their young, they may have done so communally. Triceratops females may have even worked together to protect juveniles.

Now, remember, a juvenile Triceratops also had giant horns and was far from defenseless. Compare this to the way humans send unarmed, squishy youths to violent drug-ridden public schools, and then try them as adults in court when they end up assaulting people. And you wonder why Triceratops has a chip on its shoulder.

 

1. Triceratops life was not consumed by bills, student loan debt, or unfair part-time wages.

 

Triceratops spent its time roving the plains, eating whatever looked good, fighting crazy monsters, and competing for sexual attention. Just roamin’, chillaxin’, ballin’. Living the dream.

Look at you. You have nothing but restrictions on your time. When was the last time you had any freedom whatsoever? You have to decide whether or not you can afford to spend $3 to put chicken on your salad at T.G.I. Fridays, because you are not sure you’ll be able to make your $335 student loan payment if you do.

Do you think Triceratops ever worried about that? No. It did whatever the hell it wanted. It didn’t order salad off of menus, the whole world was its salad. And if Sallie Mae had been around to try and restrict the disbursement of that salad, it would have ended up trampled and gored.

There’s really no question why Triceratops is mocking you, humanity. #sorrynotsorrytops

Thanks for reading. Subscribe here, or don’t. Triceratops didn’t subscribe. You could send me a note, but Triceratops never writes. When are you going to stop measuring your accomplishments by those of a 65 million years dead ceratopsian?