Monthly Archives: June 2014

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We Need to Have a Talk: Young Earth Creationism

In this installment of “We Need to Have a Talk”, we will be discussing Young Earth Creationism. And it will not be nice.

Continuing the trend of interesting comments this site has received lately (many of which will be honored in the awards later this month), I have finally gotten a comment that I have long been anticipating.

“We YEC’ers are slightly harder to the right wing than you you you right-evo-whatever people. We like you though you’re wrong. Which means that not only are we as pro-dinosaur as you or more, we are also far more inclined to actually take the threat you pose of re-emerging dinosaurs more seriously, BECAUSE!! … well, because those doggone dinosaurs (A.K.A. Dragons) are still out there, lurking in the boondocks of the earth, in places like the Congo and New Guinea and Northern Australia, terrorizing natives, killing cattle, and studying creationism too (I guess … I mean, why not?). So not only are they out there, but they must also be coming here – to kill – and they won’t be killed. So amen and watch your backs for the Rapts. Yeah.”

Some readers have mentioned that this comment seems like a joke. Sure, it could be. Seeing as this is a totally legitimate political blog, I find that highly unlikely. But more convincingly, the rhetoric of this comment matches the actual beliefs of Young Earth Creationism. And I would like to share some thoughts on those.

So to start, for all of the honest-to-God, actually hardcore Conservative Young Earth Creationists out there: The dinosaurs that I describe in this blog, this totally serious and non-satirical blog that is in no way a blatant parody of conservative paranoia, ARE EXTINCT.

DINOSAURS ARE EXTINCT.

I am not talking about Coelacanths. I am not talking about Emus. I am talking about Animalia– Chordata– Dinosauramorpha– Dinosauriforms– Dinosaurs. They went extinct nearly 65 million years ago, nearly 11 thousand times the Young Earth Creationist’s ENTIRE PERCEPTION OF TIME ITSELF ago.

Dinosaurs are extinct, and in Young Earth Creationism’s consciousness of the Earth, if it can even be described as such, extinction barely exists. Young Earth Creationism’s historical perspective cannot grasp the causality of things on a level that allows for numbers beyond the ten thousands. Young Earth Creationism cannot allow for history beyond 400 generations, much less natural history. Dinosaurs are not dragons, which also do not exist. Perhaps this was confusion of reality with the 2002 film Reign of Fire.

A SIMPLETON’S PATCHWORK HISTORY

And it is in this rigid, infantile world consciousness that Young Earth Creationism is mired and will remain.

Modern Young Earth Creationism denies the plainly observable world in favor of a make-believe history in which the racist Bible cartoons from Catholic school parade around with graphics stolen from Jurassic Park. Young Earth Creationism claims that their views on the origins of the planet are eyewitness accounts from God, that the King James Bible is the word of the Lord (dictated not read).

There are no primary sources in the Bible, unless you dismiss the fact that it has been translated dozens of times before reaching an English readership. Saving that, the only primary sources in the Bible are some reasonably sexy poems and a number of highly dubious letters. Suggesting that Genesis holds an eyewitness account of anything, particularly the backwards carnival ride suggested by YEC authorities, is either deception or ignorance.

Young Earth Creationism would have you believe that the Earth is younger than the domestication of cats. Young Earth Creationism would have you believe that the 12,800 pound bite of a Tyrannosaurus Rex was used for eating salad. Young Earth Creationism would like to use a book that explains with excruciating detail the correct process of branding slaves and selling daughters into bondage as the standard text for scientific education.

SO NO

So no, Young Earth Creationism. Young Earth Creationists are not pro-dinosaur. They do not comprehend what a dinosaur is. Young Earth Creationists are not conservative. They live an ignorant and harmful fantasy that they are trying to force on the public. This is highlighted by the possibility that a person with Young Earth Creationist views would attempt to engage this website in factual debate. The Young Earth Creationist concept of the world is garbage. Thanks for writing in.

Join me next week for “Young Earth Creationism: A Brief History of Wrong.”

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The Dinosaur Machine

What’s scarier than a dinosaur? How about a dinosaur machine?

A science and engineering team from Korea Advanced Institute of Science and Technology has developed a new running robot. The problem? They are basing it off of the running mechanics of Velociraptor. Yeah, a freaking Raptor Robot. If they wanted to go ahead combine all of my greatest fears, they should make the robot run for public office. Oh, or maybe the robot could incorporate itself as an LLC, so its creators wouldn’t have to be legally accountable for the murders it is bound to commit. There, now I’ve gone and jinxed it.

Many news organizations are comparing the speed of this new robot to runner Usain Bolt, who is really fast for a human being but sort of slow for a gazelle. You know, or compared to a predatory pack hunter from the Cretaceous. I guess I am happy that they haven’t gotten the tin can up to peak predator speeds yet, but this is Korea we are talking about here. These are the people who invented the Zerg Rush, Graphene, and the MP3 Player. I think they’re probably going to figure it out.

Also interesting about the coverage of this terrifying new technology is the media’s complete lack of understanding regarding what a “raptor” is. They seem to grasp that Jurassic Park was a film and that Velociraptor was a dinosaur, but after that it starts to break down pretty badly. Check out this bit from the Utah People’s Post:

“The robot, called the Raptor (means “fast”), runs on two nimble legs, and is capable of running at a remarkable speed of 46 kilometers per hour (kph), or 28 miles per hour (mph), on a treadmill.”

I suppose 'fast' might describe how quickly you must make peace with your gods...

I suppose ‘fast’ might describe how quickly you must make peace with your gods…

Raptor… means fast. No, Rachel Donald of the proud state of Utah, ‘Raptor’ does not mean fast. It means ‘kidnapper’. In… basically every language. ‘Raptor’ in Spanish means kidnapper. ‘Raptor’ in Portuguese means kidnapper– or baby snatcher. There are fast baby snatchers, but this is not a necessary qualification when one is applying the word ‘raptor’.

In fact, the word has its roots in Latin! GUESS WHAT IT MEANS IN LATIN? (IT DOES NOT MEAN FAST IN LATIN.)

Anyway, subscribe and tweet and buy a flask with an ankylosaurid on it. Sorry that you live in a world full of Raptor-bots and stuff.