Monthly Archives: March 2014

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Dinosaur Crime Scenes: Silence of the Majungasaurus!

Dinosaurs were committing heinous crimes during the Mesozoic; crimes so terrible that I have to cover them for the next couple of weeks on my vaguely public conservative internet blog. Welcome to the new feature Dinosaur Crime Scenes.

The Crime: Cannibalism

“A Centrosaurus once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.”

In news that I didn’t find surprising at all, there is evidence from a 2007 paper published in Nature that Majungasaurus, an abelisaur sort of similar to Carnotaurus, was a freaking cannibal. Many of the fossils of Majungasaurus were found with Majungasaurus feeding marks on their bones.

It seems that the only disgusting taboo that dinosaurs have not been found guilty of yet is mixing toothpaste with orange juice, and that’s only because dinosaurs never brushed their teeth (insert tiny T. Rex arms joke here).

Majungasaurus was already a nasty predator. Majungasaurus most likely weakened its prey by biting and then holding on with teeth that were designed to clutch instead of slice inward. This prey would have included medium sized sauropods like Rapetosaurus and Rob Ford.

As for the cannibalism? This behavior involved stiff competition for food, according to scientists. But I wager it probably had more to do with typical theropod self-loathing and the inherent evil within the hearts of all dinosaurs (citation needed).
How Heinous Was It?

Despite the fact that no one normal cares, scientists question whether the animals killed each other or were eating already fallen comrades. Some scientists say it is unclear whether the dinosaurs were hunting one another or just scavenging off of each others’ corpses. Contributing artist and Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement supporter William Moore seemed to think this was a question that mattered.

Though he claims to be a vegetarian, William said “If I had no other choice [in a wilderness survival situation]? Of course I would [scavenge off of your corpse]. Why wouldn’t I?”

Movement supporter Timmy H. commented, when asked whether he would scavenge on the corpse of a fallen comrade, “It’s certainly an interesting question.”

I immediately amended my Last Will and Testament to dictate that none of my friends were allowed to eat me if they wanted to remain in my extremist political movement. I thought most people were against cannibalism, but apparently it’s all about context now.

The Donner Party could not be reached for questioning.


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We Need to Have a Talk: Pterosaurs are not Dinosaurs.

“We Need to Have a Talk” is a new semi-regular feature in Dinosaurs!WTF? that will address misconceptions about the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness movement and its paleontological / political concerns. Try to enjoy the non-suggestive and rhetorically non-aggressive FAQ format.

Hey editor! Look! A Pterosaur plush toy!

People are constantly pointing out dinosaur related things to me and that makes a lot of sense. People send me links every time there is a national news story about dinosaurs, just like I send coupons for mental wellness centers to my friends who openly admit to liking TapOut. These are logical responses that show we care about one another’s interests.

Through their willingness to share, however, I have uncovered a disturbing trend. Many people are still under the impression that Pterosaurs are dinosaurs. Pterosaurs are not dinosaurs, and it is a bad idea to count them in with dinosaurs.

But aren’t Pterosaurs just as bad as dinosaurs? Shouldn’t the Movement be just as worried about them?   

That there? That’s dangerous thinking, bucko. Practically regressive.

Pterosaurs are flying reptiles. They may be closely related to dinosaurs, but they may also be much more closely related to basal archosauromorphs (which went mostly extinct in the Triassic). Either way, they pose nowhere near the threat of dinosaurs.

But they have nasty teeth and beaks and they can fly. Isn’t that like, half your problem with dinosaurs?

Yes, those are major reasons why I hate dinosaurs. However, an enemy must be near us in order to harm us, no matter how winged and toothy. Pterosaurs, since they are not dinosaurs, are not near enough to us in time or evolution to pose any threat.

Remember, the reason why there needs to be an active anti-dinosaur political movement today is because dinosaurs are very, very nearby. Look out the nearest window. There is probably a close dinosaur relative out there, right now, plotting. A pigeon trying to regrow its killing claws. A crow remembering pack hunting pred-prey dynamics. A chicken doing squat-thrusts. They remember, and they are one genetic foible away from going FULL-THEROPOD on all our asses.

So the issue is that Pterosaurs didn’t evolve like dinosaurs?

Yes, as far as we know. Pterosaurs are just dead. Big difference from dinosaurs. Only in the Jurassic Park model of dinosaur resurrection, which is genetically impossible due to the degradation rate of DNA, could Pterosaurs be resurrected. It just isn’t going to happen.

Also, Pterosaurs were never as intelligent as dinosaurs. They were still operating as reptiles, as far as we can tell. They probably didn’t have complex social behavior, they weren’t likely to be problem solvers. Compare that with your modern crow.

Yeah, now consider what that crow would be doing with those skills if it was big enough to eat a baby. If Perdue’s breeding coordinators thought they could make a buck off of siring a toothier, 5-foot-tall crow, you better believe we’d have some damn problems.

So does that mean believers in the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement are allowed to think that Pterosaurs are cute?

ABSOLUTELY! Look at how cute these extinct flying reptiles could be!

Rhamphorhynchus? AWWW!

You just want to swaddle him.

You just want to swaddle him.

Thanks for reading and remember to subscribe if you like being free from rampaging dinosaurs.