The Liberal Underground Dinosaur Conspiracy has finally been outed, and it is branding itself as the #rexolution. Last week, this blog reported on the Smithsonian’s dark plot to hush the alarm about dinosaurs by closing the Dinosaur Hall at the natural history museum in Washington DC. Upon contacting Kirk Johnson, the museum director, for commentary on twitter, he openly confirmed that he is a prominent member of the Conspiracy. Just said it. Had a picture and a hashtag and everything. Immediately, there was a disturbing number of shouts of support (3 or so).
I have a lot of emotions about these developments, as the editor of this blog and a passionate supporter of the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement. On the one hand, I was right and you all should have listened. So that’s pretty cool I guess. On the other hand, this signals the beginning of a terrible bio-terrorist political movement that is openly aggressive to our cause. So that seems bad. There are forces led by people with actual power and probably much better salaries than I get and they are trying to resurrect dinosaurs with the misguided intention of what? Coexisting? Bowing to them as their masters? Studying them scientifically? It doesn’t matter, resurrecting dinosaurs will get us all killed. They have huge claws and spikes and desire only to eat flesh and sunder mammalian civilization. This “#rexolution” may lead to the death of mankind.
Still, I was right.
I’m going to try not to be too smug about it.
Who is Kirk Johnson?
But who is Kirk Johnson? And why is he leading a lunatic fringe movement against humanity?
Johnson took up the role of Director of the Smithsonian’s National Museum for Natural History in 2012. Coming from a museum Vice President role in Denver, a noted pro-dinosaur liberal hotbed, the seeds of extremism had already been pretty obvious in his previous work. Johnson was mostly to blame for the “Prehistoric Journey” exhibit at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science, where D!WTF? traveled last year and found loads of pro-dinosaur propaganda. These salacious images showed dinosaurs looking like cool guys you might want to hang out with, such as this one below.
How are children supposed to resist the allure of kick-ass looking scars, smoking, and an eyepatch all at once? That’s nearly every cool thing a cartoon character can have. Note how the stegosaurus’s thagomizer has been disguised to look like a bunch of harmless rigging knives instead of the brutal weapon it actually was.
Who knows how Kirk Johnson came up with the brilliant, albeit evil, plan to reduce dinosaur preparedness by “closing to renovate” one of the best dinosaur awareness institutions in our nation’s capitol. It may have been something he thought of using scientific reasoning, or more likely, he may secretly have a sorcerer on retainer as an adviser. You know, a sort of Rasputin figure.
In any case, The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement is keeping an eye on Kirk Johnson. Special thanks to Kirk Johnson for providing a photo of his sick and twisted plot to destroy humanity. Follow him on Twitter.
— Alex G Friedman (@friedman_hoax) January 30, 2014
@friedman_hoax Not a problem. All in a days work @dinosaurextinction
— Kirk Johnson (@leafdoctor) January 31, 2014
Letters to the Editor, January 2014
The well-known dinosaur sympathizers of Reddit recently uncovered this: http://www.tacticaldino.com/
Is this the latest dastardly plot to destroy humanity? What kind of monster would take vicious raptors and arm them with our own weaponry? Is this a traitor to the human species, or some mad scientist who hasn’t watched enough B-movies to understand how this will inevitably end? Truly troubling.
Reddit? You mean those weird internet libertarians who are constantly ‘downvoting’ my blog? What useful information could those mouth breathers have uncovered? A new paleo diet? A nostalgic picture of a badly dated video game from six years ago? Maybe an embarrassing photo of a minor whom they have turned into a Meme and T-shirt without consent? Let me just click on the link there…
Oh. A theropod wearing French Special Forces style combat gear. I can see why you were alarmed. Very troubling.
Luckily this looks like an advertisement for a gun-nut accessories website. I can’t fathom why they would be promoting dinosaurs, usually gun-nuts are on our side.
I really hope none of that raptor equipment is not functional. Thanks for the letter.
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