Imagine, if you will, Sesame Street’s gigantic whiney yellow hood rat “Big Bird”. Now add METER LONG DEATH SCYTHES to his hands, make him 30 feet tall, and you have an accurate enough vision of Therizinosaurus.
Therizinosaurus was so freaking crazy looking that scientists thought it was a some sort of turtle during the 50’s and 60’s. Its true nature wasn’t discovered until equally unpronounceable scientist Anatoly Konstantinovich Rozhdestvensky took a look at it in 1970. Probably, he emerged from the fossil archives, covered in his own fear vomit, and wandered the campus for three days, shrieking at anyone who approached him:
“THEROPOD! IT’S A THEROPOD! GOD SAVE US FROM ITS HANDS! THOSE METER LONG SICKLED HANDS!”
He was never seen or heard from again (unconfirmed).
You see, Therizinosaurus is the largest known Maniraptor species. What is a Maniraptor? Let’s break down the word: Mani = Hands. Raptor = Raptor. RAPTOR HANDS. So yeah, basically what you have with Therizinosaurus is a 30 foot tall raptor with scythe hands longer than your arm. Just to add insult to injury, it was probably flamboyantly feathery, too.
I hate raptors with my entire being. I hate them so much.
There are dinosaur sympathizers out there who will try and explain to you that Therizinosaurus was a vegetarian. This should not factor into the determination of whether a theropod is terrifying or murderous. Murderers don’t eat the people they kill, most of the time. Hell, your cat doesn’t even eat what it kills most of the time. Oh, the liberals don’t want to hear that, though. They want your tax dollars for the Children’s Television Workshop so they can keep normalizing the image of giant theropods on our streets. This ‘Big Bird’ character is just the first step. Then they’ll be pushing for the “theropoda perspective” in literature and television, theropod rights, theropod marriage… THEROPODS WANT MURDER, NOT MARRIAGE!
This is why there is a Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement. See, liberals don’t understand the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement mindset. They think I am a wack job who’s only online because hosting prices are really good these days. They think YOU are a wack job for reading this blob and promoting the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement. But they don’t understand. We aren’t wack jobs. We just want to be able to wake up in the morning in our third story apartments without having a FREAKING RAPTOR HANDS peeping through our windows. We just want to be assured that our streets will be safe from roaming, scythe armed hordes of killer poultry. Shouldn’t we have that right?
What is your government doing about the Dinosaur Menace? Are they funding filthy dinosaur sympathizing trash like Sesame Street, Barney the Dinosaur, and Dinosaur Train? Or are they asking chicken farmers tough questions, raptor proofing our schools and community centers, and investing in your local anti-dinosaur militia? GOSH LET ME GUESS.
Pretty soon the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement is going to get REALLY VISIBLE, friends. I’m talking mugs and t-shirts and rallies and Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement congressional candidates and me being dragged screaming from town hall style political debates. The Theropodcalypse is too close at hand to remain silent about Therizinosaurus and Saurophaganax and Moas any longer. Smrt dinosauri, sloboda narodu!