Monthly Archives: December 2013

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Therizinosaurus: Children’s Television SCYTHE LIZARD!

Imagine, if you will, Sesame Street’s gigantic whiney yellow hood rat “Big Bird”. Now add METER LONG DEATH SCYTHES to his hands, make him 30 feet tall, and you have an accurate enough vision of Therizinosaurus.

Honestly the only difference is the number of claws on the hind legs.

Honestly the only difference is the number of claws on the hind legs.

Therizinosaurus was so freaking crazy looking that scientists thought it was a some sort of turtle during the 50’s and 60’s. Its true nature wasn’t discovered until equally unpronounceable scientist Anatoly Konstantinovich Rozhdestvensky took a look at it in 1970. Probably, he emerged from the fossil archives, covered in his own fear vomit, and wandered the campus for three days, shrieking at anyone who approached him:
“THEROPOD! IT’S A THEROPOD! GOD SAVE US FROM ITS HANDS! THOSE METER LONG SICKLED HANDS!”
He was never seen or heard from again (unconfirmed).

You see, Therizinosaurus is the largest known Maniraptor species. What is a Maniraptor? Let’s break down the word: Mani = Hands. Raptor = Raptor. RAPTOR HANDS. So yeah, basically what you have with Therizinosaurus is a 30 foot tall raptor with scythe hands longer than your arm. Just to add insult to injury, it was probably flamboyantly feathery, too.

I hate raptors with my entire being. I hate them so much.

There are dinosaur sympathizers out there who will try and explain to you that Therizinosaurus was a vegetarian. This should not factor into the determination of whether a theropod is terrifying or murderous. Murderers don’t eat the people they kill, most of the time. Hell, your cat doesn’t even eat what it kills most of the time. Oh, the liberals don’t want to hear that, though. They want your tax dollars for the Children’s Television Workshop so they can keep normalizing the image of giant theropods on our streets. This ‘Big Bird’ character is just the first step. Then they’ll be pushing for the “theropoda perspective” in literature and television, theropod rights, theropod marriage… THEROPODS WANT MURDER, NOT MARRIAGE!

This is why there is a Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement. See, liberals don’t understand the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement mindset. They think I am a wack job who’s only online because hosting prices are really good these days. They think YOU are a wack job for reading this blob and promoting the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement. But they don’t understand. We aren’t wack jobs. We just want to be able to wake up in the morning in our third story apartments without having a FREAKING RAPTOR HANDS peeping through our windows. We just want to be assured that our streets will be safe from roaming, scythe armed hordes of killer poultry. Shouldn’t we have that right?

What is your government doing about the Dinosaur Menace? Are they funding filthy dinosaur sympathizing trash like Sesame Street, Barney the Dinosaur, and Dinosaur Train? Or are they asking chicken farmers tough questions, raptor proofing our schools and community centers, and investing in your local anti-dinosaur militia? GOSH LET ME GUESS.

Pretty soon the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement is going to get REALLY VISIBLE, friends. I’m talking mugs and t-shirts and rallies and Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement congressional candidates and me being dragged screaming from town hall style political debates. The Theropodcalypse is too close at hand to remain silent about Therizinosaurus and Saurophaganax and Moas any longer. Smrt dinosauri, sloboda narodu!

5 Easy Ways to Raptor-Proof Your Home or Workplace

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Is the home or workplace that you occupy up to date with the latest in Raptor security? Would you like to continue living and working there, while also remaining alive? Winter is the perfect season for home improvements, so let’s take a few minutes to review a few easy ways you can save yourself and your family and your coworkers and your dog from a terrifying evisceration at the hands of Dromaeosauridae.

This topic is so dated that I’m going to subtitle it “Chains We Can Believe In”. Anyway, this article had to happen, because there is not at present a good guide for Raptor-Proofing one’s home aside from the XKCD comic showing a totally unsecured bungalow. I should know because I checked. A LOT.

Nobody reads until after the first number, I’ll just get going.

 

5. COVER EVERY POSSIBLE PERCH IN RAZOR WIRE

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This is the obvious first step. Science isn’t sure if all the big raptors like Deinonychus and Utahraptor spent much time in trees, but the smaller ones definitely did. And the big ones could at least jump. So what you need is to make your home or workplace an area denial weapon. Raptors will have a harder time pouncing on and rending your coworkers and loved ones if they are tangled in razor wire.

While you’re at it, invest your savings into companies that produce razor wire. Why can’t one hand wash the other? If you are invested in razor wire stock, you will have more money for razor wire. Plus, you can push the razor wire lobbying companies to push less for new prisons and youth detention centers and more for the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement’s congressional bill “Raptor-Proof our Future: A Comprehensive Plan to Cover All Schools and Places of Business with Razor Wire”.

The problem with razor wire is that it isn’t particularly lethal, and the more hateful breeds of Dromaeosauridae will probably just become angrier and more determined to destroy you. So with that in mind…

 

4. YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH PIKES

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You just can’t top a wall of pikes. Literally. Anything you put up there will be impaled. Start by lining all of the borders of your home or workplace with thirteen foot long oaken spears. Make sure they are posted at about a 60 degree angle outward. This is the optimum angle for raptor impalement. When the raptors try to leap over your razor wire, they will be impaled on the pikes. When the raptors rally to attack the wall of pikes, well won’t you be glad you invested in enough razor wire to have a second lair of fortification?

If your building codes allow it, try digging pits and putting pikes at the bottom of them. A couple of good, fifteen foot pits with a couple of pikes at the bottom will be a delightful surprise for any raptor that manages to get past the second lair of razor wire.

Now that your yard or corporate park is fortified, it’s time to think about the interior.

 

3. START DIGGING

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Remember that indoor pool you always dreamed of as a child? Well, your own concrete emergency cellar will be kind of like that, except instead of water it will be filled with the bare essentials for human life.

A physically fit individual can expect to complete the digging of an underground bunker in about a year, given a ten hour work day. If you have a friend or employee, you can cut that time down significantly. If you start digging now, you’ll be that much closer to an anti-raptor fortress within the foundation of your own home!

Once you have dug out your bunker, you will need to line it with concrete. This can be accomplished with molds or cinderblocks. You might be tempted to hire a concrete contractor to fill it in for you, but that would be foolish. What if the Dinosaur Apocalypse happens and you were one of the few to prepare? Then every contractor who you let bid on your bunker will be coming around, begging for salvation. No thank you! And there’s always a worse option: What if the contractor is actually a Deinonychus? So trust nothing and no one except for yourself and your lucky razor wire spool pile. Save a few cubic meters of bunker space for board games and chalk. Who knows how long you’ll be down there?

 

2. SET FIRES

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“But Editor,” you might find yourself saying, “how can I be sure that the raptors will forsake us for a lost cause once the Dinosaur Apocalypse happens?”

The answer to that, friends, is fire. Raptors naturally do not like being on fire, because their feathery war crests tend to smolder. Once you have a concrete subterranean fortress, pile up your furniture and non-essential belongings outdoors. When the Dinosaur Apocalypse happens, or you suspect it might, set these piles on fire and lock yourself in your bunker for about six years. These pyres will serve as a warning for all who try to molest your compound.

That warning says, “Go back! Go back! Only spikes and blades and fire dwell here! Flee or be doomed, yon raptor fiends!

 

1. HAVE FUN!

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The most important part of any hyper conservative survivalist plan is to have fun doing it. What’s the point of surviving the Dinosaur Apocalypse if you’re mopey? Try these ideas:
-Gently poke fun at people who will likely be eaten by Deinonychus because they are not prepared.
-Whistle while you hone your spear tips. I like to whistle Tracy Chapman songs.
-Draw and imprint fun things into your concrete fortifications while they dry. How tall was Timmy when the wall was built? Look how cute Kitty’s paw print is!
-Use books advocating Creationism as fuel for your doom-pyres. Creationist lies burn all kinds of fun colors, and their smoke is as black as their hearts. They can’t spread their deceitful ignorance if their ideas are all burned!
-Name the raptors that you see trying to break through your defenses and make up fun stories about their social lives. Blood Tooth loves Missy Murder Pants, but Missy Murder Pants loves One Eyed Devil Fang. Slashy Pete is too weak willed to be pack leader, don’t you think?

Anyway, I’m sure you will all have your own ideas for raptor-proofing your lives, but I hope these helped. Subscribe if you want, and if you have your own raptor-proofing tips, share them with me on twitter with the hashtag #raptorproof. Thanks to Ryan Martin for the art and input on this article (and the site in general).

Letters to the Editor and Site Updates

Site Updates

Thanks to those of you who have been tweeting about the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement. We have added a widget to track your tweets so that the movement can grow (thanks, Rachel). Traffic and support for the movement has exploded lately, and that is specifically due to your efforts in spreading the movement. If traffic keeps up like this, I think we can start running Conservative Dinosaur Readiness platform Congressional candidates in the United States by about 2018. So keep tweeting.

Some of you are asking for mugs and t-shirts with the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement logo on them. I was cautious at first, because I worry about you being assaulted by dinosaur sympathizers, but I think we need to defiantly stand against the mainstream. I will be putting together a shop for these items in the coming year.

I received a few comments complaining that the text on the website was too small, so I made it bigger by about 20%. Some nice people offered to give me nicer webfonts, but I am not totally convinced that they are not actually internet savvy Troodonts.

Anyway, let’s get to reader mail before dinosaurs murder us all.

 

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,

What are your thoughts on Therizinosaurus? They are ostensibly herbivorous, but they are also theropods, and we know what they’re like. That plus their gigantic size and the largest claws of any animal ever make them obvious killing machines. Am I being uncharitable or are these creatures as much a threat as their flesh-eating brethren?

Regards,
Suspicious of Talons

Dear Suspicious,
My thoughts are that just because a murderer doesn’t eat its victims doesn’t make it any less of a murderer. Vegans can be murderers, too. In fact, a vegetable loving dinosaur probably murders because it is angry about loving vegetables. I will be covering this creepy Big Bird wannabe in a post soon.

Thanks for the letter,
Ed.

This next fellow reached out to me on Reddit (a cesspool of filth and ignorance):

Sir,

For the record, Peter Larson is one of the few members of the paleontological community who supports Nanotyrannus as a valid taxon. I would like to stress that I personally am not very well versed on this particular issue of whether or not Nanotyrannus is its own species or simply a juvenile T. rex. He is a commercial paleontologist who digs up fossils in order to sell them for profit, and they frequently go into private hands rather than to museums. In fact, the name of his institution, The Black Hills Institute of Geological Research, is fairly misleading because as far as I am aware, and please correct me if I am wrong, they do not actually actively pursue research. This does not mean that he is necessarily wrong, but it is true that at the moment, the scientific community as a whole does not agree with his opinion on this matter. At the same time, this particular debate is one of several all wrapped up in a controversy over “ontogeny” (change and development due to ageing) and how it relates to various species – that is to say that there are several groups of dinosaurs, of which Nanotyrannus and T. rex are one group, which have been hypothesized to be simply different developmental stages of the same animal. The evidence for these claims varies between the groups, and the jury is still out over all on which ones will ultimately be accepted.

-HuxleyPHD

Dear Huxley,
I suggest you read Tyrannosaurid Paleobiology, edited by Currie and Molnar. I think Larsen does a pretty good job defending Nanotyrannus in that book. As far as the Black Hills Institute, I have never visited in person because they keep finding fucking dinosaurs there and I’m not an idiot. Why they continue to keep an office in what is CLEARLY DINOSAUR TERRITORY is beyond me.

Thanks for your comments,
Ed.

Send letters or offer me a book deal already.