Why five? Because five is higher than tyrannosaurs can count.
It came to my attention that most people are not aware that there was more than one kind of Tyrannosaur. Well, bad news. There were lots of Tyrannosaurs. Sorry if you were thinking about ever feeling secure again. According to the internet, the best way to educate the public these days is in the numbered list format. So without further delay, and because no one reads the opening paragraph to a numbered list article on a website anyway, here they are: the top 5 most awful Tyrannosaurs of all time (that we know about).
Albertosaurus was a pretty standard medium sized tyrannosaur, a limber hunter that developed to chase down prey like hadrosaurs. What makes it so scary, beyond the fact that it was a murderous thirty foot long theropod?
Conventions. Freaking Albertosaurus raves.
In the Dry Island bonebed, twenty-six Albertosaurs were found together. There were a dozen or so juveniles, another dozen adults and sub-adults, and then one enormous elder. What the hell do you possibly need twenty-six Albertosaurs to accomplish? What the hell were they hunting? Canada? The entire nation of Canada?
Daspletosaurus was a colleague of Albertosaurus, a contemporary in a similar field. That field was ruthless murder, and while the fleet footed Albertosaurus was forming death squads and tracking down hadrosaurs, Daspletosaurus hit the gym. This monster had bigger teeth than T. Rex. It was on freaking Cretaceous steroids. It had powerful, stocky legs and a hugely muscled neck. That’s because Daspletosaurus was probably gunning for cerotopsians, while letting gangs of Albertosaurs handle the “light work”.
Daspletosaurus would probably show up to Albertosaur conventions and hit on the obviously engaged Albertosaur honeys and call everyone else a beta and ask Nanotyrannus if he even lifts.
This is all before it would go and take on bus sized spiky bull monsters like Styracosaurus, which it would eat with a of sprinkling protein powder.
Nanotyrannus was only about a third of the size of the biggest tyrannosaurs, which you might think would preclude it from this list. The problem with that line of thinking is that a third of huge is still pretty freaking big. Think of it in terms of sliders. It doesn’t matter whether you eat one 12oz burger or three 4oz burgers, you’re still over eating. It works the same way with pack hunting tyrannosaurs. Dividing a tyrannosaur into three smaller tyrannosaurs doesn’t mean you’re going to be alright, it just means that the tyrannosaurs will be able to cover all of your exits.
Hell, a seventeen foot long Nanotyrannus could probably hide in your garage. Are you going to go to your garage, be ambushed by a Nanotyrannus, and be like,
“Oh, this is fine. This tyrannosaur is only seventeen feet long.”
No. You’ll be like, “I am dead now because it turns out that the size of a tyrannosaur is not necessarily a major factor in my ability to survive it eating my head, beyond a certain critical size which is likely somewhere in the twelve to fourteen foot-” DEAD.
“The King of Gore”. That is what “Lythronax” means. Scientists just discovered Lythronax, and this name proves to me that the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness philosophy is catching on. This is the great ancestor of tyrannosaurs, and it had a few adaptations that made tyrannosaurs hugely successful.
One of those adaptations was binocular vision. Lythronax was already huge at thirty feet long, and it already had the trademark jaws and powerful legs of the tyrannosaurs. Evolving binocular vision on an animal like that is kind of like a missile evolving a guidance system. Except instead of a swift fiery death, you would probably see Lythronax coming and get a few futile minutes of abject terror and fruitless flight as it chased you about and you would be screaming and it would trample your cat and your I-Pad Mini and you would scream to heaven for salvation but none would come because NO ONE LISTENED TO THE CONSERVATIVE DINOSAUR READINESS MOVEMENT.
WHY DIDN’T THEY LISTEN? Chomp chomp nom nom.
Lythronax will get its own article in the near future as more information is divulged by paleontologists.
1. Tyrannosaurus Rex
Oh, did you think I was going to do that hipster move where I put the obvious choice as #2? Well this isn’t a chump ranking of Beatles albums, nephew. This is serious.
Fun Tyrannosaurus Rex fact: Scientists hypothesize that the reason they can’t find any baby Tyrannosaurus Rex fossils is because they didn’t often die as juveniles. By two years old, a young T. Rex was bigger than any other contemporary land predator.
Fact number dos: Scientists know T. Rex was an active hunter because they are still picking Rex fangs out of the backs of hadrosaurs that survived the initial confrontation. That’s a love nip with 6-inch long teeth.
Fun fact the threequel: Tyrannosaurus Rex had an estimated bite force of nearly 13,000 pounds, which is about as much as it weighed total. That’s three times the weight of the average car in the United States. Also about equal to 1600 new born babies.
Return of the Fun Fact: This is how big T. Rex was compared to a few of these other chump lizards.
The only reason T. Rex didn’t evolve wings is because the sky doesn’t bleed. Tyrannosaurs Rex only had two fingers on each hand because scissors always wins if you stab hard enough. The biggest Tyrannosaurus Rex ever found was named Sue because you could fit both Johnnie Cochran and Mike Geragos in her gaping jaws. T. Rex didn’t go extinct, murder got tired.