Monthly Archives: September 2013

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I FRIGGIN’ TOLD YOU SO: Golden Eagle demonstrates dinosaurs will yet reign supreme over mammals!

Talk about a supreme moment. I just got done spending two weeks explaining how Dromaeosaurids (“raptors”) were perfectly evolved for gliding down from the trees and burying terrible claws into their prey. Then this happens. So these deer were released into the Siberian wilderness to help feed the dwindling Siberian Tiger population during the cold months. And the deer were certainly eaten. Just not by tigers, because tigers suck.

You see, tigers are just big cats. Saber toothed cats went extinct because cats suck. Tasmanian tiger? Supreme predator? No. Practically extinct, because cats suck. Lions? Napping, because cats suck. Cougars? Solitary by nature, because it knows cats suck. Your house cat is most proficient at either shedding on your upholstery or losing alley fights to opossums, because cats suck.

This deer was killed and eaten by a Golden Eagle. On camera.

Noooooo.

Noooooo.

Look at that deer’s eyes. Those eyes are saying “There was a lush field I remember from my childhood. It was like a paradise… a Xanadu. The grass was thick and green like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”.

Golden Eagles, unlike crappy tigers, successfully hunt nearly everything that doesn’t cower under ground. Even wolves. Even you? This is the map of where Golden Eagles reign supreme.

verizon-coverage-map

Oh, wait no, that’s Verizon’s shitty coverage. Actually its this:

Golden Eagle

Yes that is the entire populated Northern Hemisphere. It has conquered half the Earth. GOSH I WONDER WHY THAT IS. I wonder what in their TERRIFYING ANCESTRY would have given them the evolutionary edge over all living things.

GoldenEagleFootLyd4

This eagle wanted to leave a message, friends. Don’t misinterpret this as some nature show hocus pocus or honey badger bullshit. That eagle had something to tell you: mammals are not safe. The Theropodcalypse is upon us. This Golden Eagle is first rider of the end times. But let me tell you, I will not lie down and just let this happen. 64.3 MILLION YEARS AGO WILL COMMENCE AGAIN IF YOU TRY TO TAKE OUR EARTH, THEROPODS!

 

Anyway, subscribe or whatever.

Wind Tunnel Scientists Believe Microraptor Mixed Ceaseless Promiscuity with Gliding

Last week I went into great detail on Deinonychus, the awful threat it poses, and what you should be doing to help. Science is moving forward on its study of raptors and the precise means they will use to eat all of us in our sleep, and recently a scientific breakthrough revealed the flight dynamics of Microraptor.

Microraptor was a tiny Dromaeosaur relative, about a meter long, that glided through the trees and foraged in ancient China. It was kind of like a flying squirrel, if flying squirrels were hateful dinosaurs who want to fly into your bathroom window and assault you in the shower. It probably ate bugs and lizards and tiny mammals, but it would certainly eat a baby. Definitely, it would eat a puppy. Almost no doubt. Total puppy-vore.

Scientists, trying to understand the flight capabilities of this aerial ankle-biter, put a mock up in a wind tunnel and found that it was best at gliding, launching itself from heights of about 10-65 feet and gliding medium distances. As you probably realized as soon as you read that sentence, this means that you will have to install reinforced electrified chicken wire on every window of the first four floors of every building unless you want to come home to find your cats and toddlers eaten by flying raptors. So I guess that probably fucks up your weekend plans.

The scientists also decided that gliding from trees isn’t quite up to the dinosaur standard of knife-and-sin oriented evolution that we have all become so familiar with. They now theorize that the feathers must have also served as flashy club wear, so that the Microraptors could get chocolate wasted and procreate extensively and overrun humanity by sheer numbers. Alfred Hitchock would be pleased, then terrified, then eaten alive by hundreds of tiny raptors.

Not quite as good as "Rear Window".

Not quite as good as “Rear Window”.

Deinonychus: Shock Trooper of the Jurassic Reich!

Deinonychus is the reason I poop a little every time I think about dinosa–

Deinonychus is the reason for the entire modern dinosaur mythology, spearheaded by Michael Crichton in the golden age of the 1990’s. The “raptors” so elegantly drawn in Jurassic Park were largely based on an unfeathered concept of Deinonychus. Velociraptor, the name used in JP, refers to a smaller variety of the same basic animal. I suppose that the late-great Mr. Crichton used the name to really drive the point home that dinosaurs are birds. Well, okay. But “Velociraptor” doesn’t drive the main point home like the correct name “Deinonychus”.

Deinonychus means TERRIBLE CLAW. As in when they picked this thing from its fossil bed prison, the first thing they noticed was A GIGANTIC TERRIFYING DEATH CLAW.

Your Jurassic Park informed anti-dinosaur sentiments are IGNORANT to the TRUE GOBBSTOPPING HORROR of what a real, scientifically accurate Deinonychus would be capable of… AND INTENT ON DESTROYING.

Size comparison.

Size comparison.

When they found Deinonychus, science quickly realized that dinosaurs were not the lumbering, slow, cold blooded, goofy giants of early 20th century popular conception. Looking at Deinonychus, science realized that dinosaurs could have been agile and warm blooded. Then they looked at their MUSEUMS FULL OF SPIKES AND FANGS AND CLAWS. A slow pile of spikes and claws is kind of like a cute coat rack. Kick the speed and agility and brain case up a few notches though, and all the sudden you are dealing with something incredibly dangerous that looks suspiciously like the chicken you had for dinner on Monday.

Deinonychus had FEATHERED APPENDAGES. Probably. And it used them, in conjunction with its MADNESS INDUCING LONG JUMP SKILLS and “TERRIBLE CLAWS” to leap accurately upon it’s victims and RABBIT KICK THEIR GUTS WITH GIANT KNIVES. They may have done this in roving gangs. Murder clubs. Six packs… no… CASES OF DEATH. Which is now the title of my next rap album. Fossilized Deinonychus feet have been found with toes broken and healed over, like the knuckles of a boxer. Except that boxers don’t jump 11 feet to stab things with buck knives.

Modern birds are direct descendents of flightless theropods like Deinonychus. If you are going to be serious about this movement and serious about stopping Deinonychus from happening again, we need to make sure that the chicken industry is listening to us about their selective breeding, security, and gene modification. Trip the wrong couple of genetic markers, and you could end up with a 47 pound rooster with buck knives on its feet. That’s not the kind of world I want to live in. Tweet at Perdue Chicken today.

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“Sunset on a Mankind Forewarned” by Kathleen Coffey.

Thanks to Movement Supporter Kathleen Coffey for the watercolor. Remember to subscribe and that I am currently accepting art about protoceratops.

 

Protoceratops is not cute, it will bite your freaking arm off.

Protoceratops was a monstrous, armored, parrot-beaked killer, and the LIBERAL MEDIA needs to stop portraying it as cute. Ceratopsia was not a cuddly-if-ill-mannered bunch. Part of what frustrates me so much, as Editor of this illustrious Conservative Dinosaur Readiness blog, is that this cutesy portrayal is a fairly new problem that people should have been able to recognize and avoid.

Before people knew about Protoceratops as a dinosaur, it may have been the basis for the myth of the Griffon. Some ancient prospectors would be in the mountains, looking for gold and drinking ancient saspirella, and they would run across a fossilized nest with a skull sitting by it that LOOKED LIKE A FREAKING EAGLE LION. They would not say, “Gee, how cute.” They would say “Holy shit, ancient prospecting buddy, we should really leave because there seem to be crazy lion eagle monsters out here, as you can see from this evidence. We should leave and warn people so that they aren’t eaten by monsters, because we are good ancient world citizens.”

But no, now Protoceratops is a super cute pal, according to pop culture. This movement to cutesy-fy this terrifying animal feels distinctly early-90’s to me, sort of like how Tiny Toon Adventures and Tazmania! tried to make the Tasmanian Devil into a cute and lovable guy. I really worry about human instinct and the desire to make monsters cute, as opposed to burning them with fire.

Protoceratops was famously found locked in mortal combat with a velociraptor. This animal, the size of a guard dog, was fossilized with its beak firmly locked around the theropod’s arm. That is a death grip. Do you think you could bite into a velociraptor and not let go for 100 million years? Does that sound like the sort of beast you would want hanging around your family?

Look at how ridiculous the media and our children have made this violent death parrot seem.

kidsdigdinos.com

kidsdigdinos.com

In that drawing, from kidsdigdinos.com, you see what appears to be a cuddly poodle thing who just wants to smile and look with wonder upon your middle class way of life. Think again. That thing would murder you the second it figured out how to open your vegetable crisper. Kids dig dinos? More like Dinosaurs need to be buried forever.

Protoceratops2
In this one we see a delightful little beast in one of our publicly funded parks, trimming the shrubbery. His eyes are raised to the heavens, and sun beams down on him as he helps maintain the landscaping. WRONG. Protoceratops would stake out a claim in your playground, dig a nest, and then violently defend its territory while tending to the next generation of spiteful gryphon spawn.
ProtoceratopsMIB1a
Oh, and this is rich. Dinosaurs and humans engaging in teamwork to defend the Earth. Dinosaurs defend ONLY THEIR CLAIM ON ALL OF CREATION. Protoceratops, if given heat seeking missile technology, would fire its entire payload at your community garden shed and then build a nest for its broodlings.

Its time we turn around the LIBERAL MEDIA’s concept of a friendly Protoceratops. Please submit ACCURATELY VIOLENT portraits of Protoceratops to the editor through the contact page. I will post submitted art in next month’s reader mail.

Letters to the Editor September 2013: Toddzilla Raids Again & The Third Craziest Thing I Have Ever Read

Dear Editor,

I am concerned that in your 8/13/2013 reply to “Todd” you neglected to reassure your readers of the true threat of contaminated-water-spawned dinoradiation. If the photo accompanying your post is an indication of the future, I, for one, am terrified.

As a resident living on the shores of Our Great Lakes, the nagging possibility-fear of radiation exposure lies under the surface of our cheery, fulfilled lives. Take as exhibits A-M (1) the fires on our waterways. Doubtlessly, this was a cleansing era preparing the way for the entrance of creatures more abominable than whatever other threat you’ve been rambling about in your recent posts. You have correctly identified the true creature of horror in your recent response.

I must know the answer in order to release my death grip on my imitation pearls…

Does the letter writer also live on the shores of the Great Lakes? Is “Toddzilla” an emerging biohazardous threat evolved from dinosaurs, “global warming” and neoliberal overindulgence? If I am correct in my assumptions, we must gather sharp implements and match at once! Though I must say, this “Todd” fellow in the photo looks physically intimidating – but also approachable… approachable until it’s too late! How are you protecting us from “Todd”/”Toddzilla” and his/its doubtless large cohort of friends/mutated creatures?
Signed,
Outraged, But Shaken!

Well, OBS;

Todd is physically intimidating and his friends are, as a rule, strange mutants. Last I checked he lives in Greater Cleveland and spends his time playing club sports. However, I can confirm he is a mammal, so I’m not too worried.

I think you may be overstating the danger with him. Sometimes I wonder about the amount of weirdly paranoid mail I get. I mean, I don’t encourage paranoia.

Take care,
-Ed.

…speaking of which:

Editor,

Long time reader, first time writer. This blog has been wonderfully informative; as a homemaker/mother of seven, I am so relieved to have a straight-talking blog that gives me all the tools I might need to protect my family in the event of a dinosaur uprising. I write, however, not to praise but to raise awareness. I came across some incredibly disturbing news that I felt obligated, as a good Samaritan, PTA president, and all-around decent woman to share with you and your readers.

In 1966, a Peruvian doctor named Javier Cabrera Darquea began collecting an unusual archaeological artifact: large stones found in the Ica region of Peru containing pre-Incan carvings. These stones were discovered amongst other funerary relics in the pre-Incan burial grounds of Max Uhle and Toma Luz. One of these stones depicted crude drawings of what appear to be your garden-variety dinosaurs: your t-rexes, your triceratopis, what have you.

This is real life Jurassic Park, only with less scientists—I don’t think they had invented science yet—and more dinosaur cohabitation. As if this news weren’t shocking enough, the stones themselves belie even more debauchery: the dinosaurs seemed to have been comfortable enough with humans to pose nude as artists’ models in a series of these carvings. If they were willing to debase themselves in this way, we can only imagine what other sorts of unwholesome activities they might have engaged in. After all, we know how artists can be with their love-ins and promiscuity. I pray for them every day.

My point, dear Editor, is this: I believe the dinosaurs were capable of incredible deviousness and sin. For all we know, those artists and dinosaurs copulated, producing offspring with subtle dinosaur characteristics in their DNA that may still walk among us. They clearly wormed their way into the people’s trust, establishing themselves as pillars of the community, only to breed dino-sapien hybrids and then devour the entire population. After all, why were the stones found only in pre-Incan cemeteries? By the time the Incans got there, the pre-Incans were already dead.

Dinosaurs bring death and destruction. We must never again make the mistake of letting them into our homes, our bohemian studios, or our beds.

Cordially, Ica-ramba!*

*Pun on ¡Ay, caramba!, a Mexican proverb indicating surprise. My eldest, an honors student, is taking sophmore-level Spanish in the 7th grade!

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The artifact in question.

 

Dear Ica,

While I agree with your overall thesis that dinosaurs need to be kept away from our homes and art spaces, I fear that you have fallen for a contemporary dinosaur hoax.

The dinosaur bearing stones you mention were faked using (literal) bullshit and a dentist’s drill, like most cultural artifacts from the 1960’s. This sort of thing happens all the time, these days, and you have to develop a sense for what dinosaur hoaxes look like. It all sort of boils down to understanding what behaviors a dinosaur would prioritize if encountered by humans. Here is an excerpt from the more comprehensive list, in order of likelihood.
Upon meeting a human, a dinosaur will take one of the following actions:

  • Murder.
  • Pierce with claws/horns out of curiosity.
  • Pierce with claws/horns due to carelessness.
  • Attempt to eat the human alive.

The list goes on, but you get the idea. Any time you are presented with someone (or have evidence of someone) who claims to have encountered a dinosaur but does not seem to have been murdered, pierced with talons, or eaten alive, ask yourself: Do I have incontrovertible proof that this person is incapable of lying or being fooled?
Stay vigilant,
-Ed.

 

Keep them letters coming and remember to subscribe.