Protoceratops was a monstrous, armored, parrot-beaked killer, and the LIBERAL MEDIA needs to stop portraying it as cute. Ceratopsia was not a cuddly-if-ill-mannered bunch. Part of what frustrates me so much, as Editor of this illustrious Conservative Dinosaur Readiness blog, is that this cutesy portrayal is a fairly new problem that people should have been able to recognize and avoid.
Before people knew about Protoceratops as a dinosaur, it may have been the basis for the myth of the Griffon. Some ancient prospectors would be in the mountains, looking for gold and drinking ancient saspirella, and they would run across a fossilized nest with a skull sitting by it that LOOKED LIKE A FREAKING EAGLE LION. They would not say, “Gee, how cute.” They would say “Holy shit, ancient prospecting buddy, we should really leave because there seem to be crazy lion eagle monsters out here, as you can see from this evidence. We should leave and warn people so that they aren’t eaten by monsters, because we are good ancient world citizens.”
But no, now Protoceratops is a super cute pal, according to pop culture. This movement to cutesy-fy this terrifying animal feels distinctly early-90’s to me, sort of like how Tiny Toon Adventures and Tazmania! tried to make the Tasmanian Devil into a cute and lovable guy. I really worry about human instinct and the desire to make monsters cute, as opposed to burning them with fire.
Protoceratops was famously found locked in mortal combat with a velociraptor. This animal, the size of a guard dog, was fossilized with its beak firmly locked around the theropod’s arm. That is a death grip. Do you think you could bite into a velociraptor and not let go for 100 million years? Does that sound like the sort of beast you would want hanging around your family?
Look at how ridiculous the media and our children have made this violent death parrot seem.
In that drawing, from kidsdigdinos.com, you see what appears to be a cuddly poodle thing who just wants to smile and look with wonder upon your middle class way of life. Think again. That thing would murder you the second it figured out how to open your vegetable crisper. Kids dig dinos? More like Dinosaurs need to be buried forever.
In this one we see a delightful little beast in one of our publicly funded parks, trimming the shrubbery. His eyes are raised to the heavens, and sun beams down on him as he helps maintain the landscaping. WRONG. Protoceratops would stake out a claim in your playground, dig a nest, and then violently defend its territory while tending to the next generation of spiteful gryphon spawn.
Oh, and this is rich. Dinosaurs and humans engaging in teamwork to defend the Earth. Dinosaurs defend ONLY THEIR CLAIM ON ALL OF CREATION. Protoceratops, if given heat seeking missile technology, would fire its entire payload at your community garden shed and then build a nest for its broodlings.
Its time we turn around the LIBERAL MEDIA’s concept of a friendly Protoceratops. Please submit ACCURATELY VIOLENT portraits of Protoceratops to the editor through the contact page. I will post submitted art in next month’s reader mail.
Letters to the Editor September 2013: Toddzilla Raids Again & The Third Craziest Thing I Have Ever Read
I am concerned that in your 8/13/2013 reply to “Todd” you neglected to reassure your readers of the true threat of contaminated-water-spawned dinoradiation. If the photo accompanying your post is an indication of the future, I, for one, am terrified.
As a resident living on the shores of Our Great Lakes, the nagging possibility-fear of radiation exposure lies under the surface of our cheery, fulfilled lives. Take as exhibits A-M (1) the fires on our waterways. Doubtlessly, this was a cleansing era preparing the way for the entrance of creatures more abominable than whatever other threat you’ve been rambling about in your recent posts. You have correctly identified the true creature of horror in your recent response.
I must know the answer in order to release my death grip on my imitation pearls…
Does the letter writer also live on the shores of the Great Lakes? Is “Toddzilla” an emerging biohazardous threat evolved from dinosaurs, “global warming” and neoliberal overindulgence? If I am correct in my assumptions, we must gather sharp implements and match at once! Though I must say, this “Todd” fellow in the photo looks physically intimidating – but also approachable… approachable until it’s too late! How are you protecting us from “Todd”/”Toddzilla” and his/its doubtless large cohort of friends/mutated creatures?
Outraged, But Shaken!
Todd is physically intimidating and his friends are, as a rule, strange mutants. Last I checked he lives in Greater Cleveland and spends his time playing club sports. However, I can confirm he is a mammal, so I’m not too worried.
I think you may be overstating the danger with him. Sometimes I wonder about the amount of weirdly paranoid mail I get. I mean, I don’t encourage paranoia.
…speaking of which:
Long time reader, first time writer. This blog has been wonderfully informative; as a homemaker/mother of seven, I am so relieved to have a straight-talking blog that gives me all the tools I might need to protect my family in the event of a dinosaur uprising. I write, however, not to praise but to raise awareness. I came across some incredibly disturbing news that I felt obligated, as a good Samaritan, PTA president, and all-around decent woman to share with you and your readers.
In 1966, a Peruvian doctor named Javier Cabrera Darquea began collecting an unusual archaeological artifact: large stones found in the Ica region of Peru containing pre-Incan carvings. These stones were discovered amongst other funerary relics in the pre-Incan burial grounds of Max Uhle and Toma Luz. One of these stones depicted crude drawings of what appear to be your garden-variety dinosaurs: your t-rexes, your triceratopis, what have you.
This is real life Jurassic Park, only with less scientists—I don’t think they had invented science yet—and more dinosaur cohabitation. As if this news weren’t shocking enough, the stones themselves belie even more debauchery: the dinosaurs seemed to have been comfortable enough with humans to pose nude as artists’ models in a series of these carvings. If they were willing to debase themselves in this way, we can only imagine what other sorts of unwholesome activities they might have engaged in. After all, we know how artists can be with their love-ins and promiscuity. I pray for them every day.
My point, dear Editor, is this: I believe the dinosaurs were capable of incredible deviousness and sin. For all we know, those artists and dinosaurs copulated, producing offspring with subtle dinosaur characteristics in their DNA that may still walk among us. They clearly wormed their way into the people’s trust, establishing themselves as pillars of the community, only to breed dino-sapien hybrids and then devour the entire population. After all, why were the stones found only in pre-Incan cemeteries? By the time the Incans got there, the pre-Incans were already dead.
Dinosaurs bring death and destruction. We must never again make the mistake of letting them into our homes, our bohemian studios, or our beds.
*Pun on ¡Ay, caramba!, a Mexican proverb indicating surprise. My eldest, an honors student, is taking sophmore-level Spanish in the 7th grade!
The artifact in question.
While I agree with your overall thesis that dinosaurs need to be kept away from our homes and art spaces, I fear that you have fallen for a contemporary dinosaur hoax.
The dinosaur bearing stones you mention were faked using (literal) bullshit and a dentist’s drill, like most cultural artifacts from the 1960’s. This sort of thing happens all the time, these days, and you have to develop a sense for what dinosaur hoaxes look like. It all sort of boils down to understanding what behaviors a dinosaur would prioritize if encountered by humans. Here is an excerpt from the more comprehensive list, in order of likelihood.
Upon meeting a human, a dinosaur will take one of the following actions:
- Pierce with claws/horns out of curiosity.
- Pierce with claws/horns due to carelessness.
- Attempt to eat the human alive.
The list goes on, but you get the idea. Any time you are presented with someone (or have evidence of someone) who claims to have encountered a dinosaur but does not seem to have been murdered, pierced with talons, or eaten alive, ask yourself: Do I have incontrovertible proof that this person is incapable of lying or being fooled?
Keep them letters coming and remember to subscribe.