Monthly Archives: August 2013

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Colorado: Forward Base of the Dinosaur Menace!

As you all are aware, I spent this past week doing field work research on the Dinosaur Menace in and around Denver, Colorado. I’ve got some bad news so… I’m going to try and use the Sandwich Method here.

There is a really great place to get Phu on the 16th Street Mall. DINOSAUR EXTREMISTS ARE EVERYWHERE BUILDING TOTEMS TO THEIR FALSE THEROPOD GODS. There is a nice book shop in the City Park neighborhood.

I hope that softened the blow for you.

There seems to be a disconnect in the Colorado tourist mentality about what the dinosaur fossils they find there mean verses how they react to it. For example, they find evidence of Acrocanthosaurs patrolling Red Rock like they own the place. A sensible person would start a neighborhood watch, buy a flame thrower, and write their senator about forming an anti-Acrocanthosaur committee. A Denverite, however, is more likely to start an ice cream stand right next to the foot prints in PRIME ACROCANTHOSAURUS TERRITORY.

Denver! News flash! DINOSAUR FOOTPRINTS SUGGEST THE PRESENCE OF DINOSAURS. I am not sure how you people haven’t put that together yet.

Here’s another one. They find fossilized armor plates that seem to indicate that Stegosaurus had an armored neck. A reasonable person would go to the local gun store and upgrade all of her ammunition to armor piercing rounds. A Denverite, however, will found a bus tours company where the busses have little Stegosaurus fins. They will try to sell you fossilized dinosaur poops in little novelty cases. THAT IS NOT THE RATIONAL RESPONSE, DENVER. THE IDEA IS TO AVOID BECOMING DINOSAUR POOP.

The Editor kicking a stegosaurus in the face (computer simulation).

The Editor kicking a stegosaurus in the face (computer simulation).

I think it is finally time for a cautionary tale of ‘saurs. Mind the gap.

Acrocanthosaurus foot print with my hand for scale. I am a ring size men's 7.5.

Acrocanthosaurus foot print with my hand for scale. I am a ring size men’s 7.5.

Another Dinosaur totem.

Another Dinosaur totem.

 

Dinosaur Totem.

Dinosaur Totem.

 

 CONTINUE TO THE THEROPODCALYPSE

CAUTIONARY TALES OF ‘SAURS: Red Rock Dawn

Let me try to explain, in clear English, what the dinosaur apocalypse will look like in Denver if the chicken companies, the Denver populace, and all of humanity do not change their ways. This is a new feature. I am calling it “CAUTIONARY TALES OF ‘SAURS.”

It would all start innocuously enough. Perdue Chicken would begin selling chicken breasts that would actually be 1/6th of a slice of “chicken breast”. The “chickens” that these cuts of meat came from would actually be enormous gene modified animals, chickens modified genetically so that they would reach sizes of 90 pounds (approx 41 kg for those of you in reasonable nations). These modifications would not be difficult, chickens still have the option to be huge encoded within their DNA because they are fucking dinosaurs.

Due to the extreme hippy anti-science outcry against these developments that would take place as soon as these GMO’s came to light, the animals would not sell well. After off loading as many giant chickens as possible to the ridiculously huge United States prison system, Perdue would find that they still had animals left over. They would be shipped all over, ending up in pet food, pillow stuffings, and Happy Meals. But there would be an accident.

A truck might flip over, or maybe a farm’s security would be compromised. Maybe some fool would try to take a giant chicken home as a pet, having skipped the day where his 7th grade class read The Mysterious Island. A cadre of these chickens would escape. Hold on. WAIT A SECOND.

I SWEAR TO GOD STEVEN SPIELBERG, IF YOU SCOOP THESE IDEAS FOR A FUCKING JURASSIC PARK REBOOT I WILL SUE YOUR ATARI LICENSING ASS INTO FLINT, MICHIGAN. However if you are not Steven Spielberg and you work for Bollywood and you want to get a movie deal going, I have a contact page. Anyhoo.

So yeah, chickens would escape. Chickens are birds, birds are dinosaurs, birds exhibit tool use and social intelligence AND THEY WOULD ESCAPE.

I have discussed in brief the process of referalization on this blog and let me tell you, those GMO giant chickens would referalize faster than twerking flies under a Gen Xer’s radar. And what better place for chickens to referalize than Denver, Colorado? Where the phu flows like wine and the rabbits are so tame they wait at bus stops? Where life size dinosaur totems are so common that people don’t bat an eye at seeing a roaming theropod on the streets?

When a GMO super chicken referalized, it would change in very drastic ways. Its claws, unclipped, would grow to allow it better purchase on the dusty turf. The breast and thigh muscles that were bred into huge lumps of meat by selective farmers would convert into enormous, hard muscles. The wings, long useless but for fluttering, would serve as stabilizers to allow the beast perfect aerial control over long leaps and bounds. Maybe, given a generation, the tail would re-evolve into a useful counter balance for delivering brutal, slashing kicks. You know what else chickens are selectively bred for? Cock fighting. And you’re all cuddling your rescued pitbulls. What good is a tame pitbull against an atavist Deinonychus?

A few pets would go missing, the populace would blame coyotes. No one would realize what was happening until that fateful day… The Red Rock Dawn. THE THEROPODCALYPSE.

Animal attacks in Boulder. Animal attacks in Colorado Springs. A rabies outbreak? DOES RABIES HAVE PACK MENTALITY? The cable news networks would be too busy covering Taylor Swift’s uncouth comments at the Tony Awards. You wouldn’t even notice.

Day two of The Theropodcalypse would be a united offensive against the residents of Denver. This is a town where they line up the entire shopping district in a two mile stretch. You know what can violently assault things at 45 miles per hour in a straight line really easily? Theropods.

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE THEROPODS, COLORADO!

By day three, there would be no Denver. The enemy would have a stronghold on American soil. And what would congress do? Argue about whether you should get free healthcare.

Is this what you want America to look like? A dinosaur feeding ground? If you want to support the movement, I highly recommend sending a tweet to Perdue Chicken to ask them to stop this madness. We need to get them to ban theropods from their livestock pools and invest in educating the public on the dangers of carnivorous dinosaurs. I have been tweeting at them for a month now, to no avail. Maybe a united effort would change their minds?

 

Thecodontosaurus, Father of Dinosaur Neck Extremism

Thecodontosaurus, at first glance, might seem harmless to members of the dinosaur neutral public. However, the dinosaur neutral public is WRONG ALL THE TIME. One of the many traits that make dinosaurs such terrifying enemies is their completely absurd neck length, which allows them to murder with fangs what would otherwise be inaccessible.

Consider your morning. Maybe you woke up, got ready for work. Took a shower. Made some coffee. How many times, during your morning routine, were you more than thirty feet from a window? Was it zero times?

How would your morning have gone if it were intruded upon by a sauropod’s face, crashing through your shitty single pane window, jaws gnashing at your granola with what can only be described as A BATTERY OF GRINDING TEETH?? And there was no escape? Because those jaws were attached to a neck that measured in FIRST DOWNS?*

WOULD THAT HAVE FUCKED UP YOUR MORNING?

Neck extremism isn’t fucking funny, it’s as serious as a heart attack. Well regulated neck length is one of the checks and balances that allows society to function. The reptiles that dinosaurs evolved from had polite, approachable, regular length necks. However, relative to the various ludicrously evil morphisms of dinosaurs, the extremist neck trend started early. There is debate over whether Thecodontosaurus was the OG** of neck extremism or merely an early adapter, but its success made it highly influential to the progression of dinosaur evolution. Before Thecodontosaurus, there weren’t dinosaurs with meter long necks. In fact, this was before there were meter long houses.***

According to noted theorists****, Thecodontosaurus got all of his friends together and evolved over millions of years into sauropods, some with necks over 7 meters long. This evolution, aided by early Theropods who “liked their meals stubby”, produced some of the most iconic dinosaurs known to science. Among them were Diplodocus, Brachiosaurus, and Apatosaurus (but not Brontosaurus because BRONTOSAURUS DOESN’T EXIST, DON BLUTH).

Most people’s homes are not 15 meters long, and there is literally nowhere they could hide and be safe from the MINCING TEETH of a sauropod. There is an especially worrisome trend among the homes build by likely dinosaur ally Habitat for Humanity. Almost none of the homes they build are more than 15 meters long, and they all have large numbers of windows. Could this be a coincidence? Are these homes really “Habitats for Humanity”? Or are they HAPPY MEALS FOR SAUROPODS?

Thecodontosaurus was highly prolific. It did not hide its neck related activities. And yet there is still NO BAN on excessive neck length. THANKS CONGRESS. You only had 226 million years to legislate.

Art by Will Moore.

Art by Will Moore.

* A first down is approximately 3 meters and some change, a reference to American Football. If you are reading this outside of the USA, please try to start a Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Party in your country of citizenship.
** OG stands for “Orientation Guide”, a shorthand developed by the East Coast Crips when they were founded as a trolly tours company in 1963.
*** There were not any houses.
**** I think I heard this somewhere once.

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Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement News: August 2013

Preview: First Hand Investigation of Colorado

Those of you who follow me on twitter may be aware that I spent this past week in Colorado trying to gauge the dinosaur threat first hand. The results were shocking, resulting in numerous stunning discoveries and photo opportunities. Are dinosaur sympathizers pressing their agenda harder than ever? Are new possible dinosaur apocalypse scenarios arising daily? Do leading questions compel you to subscribe?

Coming next week.

D!WTF? Explodes on Reddit

This week the blog and the Dinosaur Readiness Movement got a much needed dose of exposure when a highly educated woman found a flyer for the blog on the street and decided to post it on Reddit. The site rose to #1 status on /r/humor for nearly a day, an achievement that has only been matched by 25,023 other websites. The editor would like to extend thanks to the entire internet libertarian community for such an honor. Be sure to subscribe to new updates.

Kentrosaurus: The Obsessive Impaler!

HOW MANY FUCKING SPIKES DO YOU NEED? If you answered zero, good. You are a person. However if you answered somewhere in the double digits, fuck you Kentrosaurus- wait– HOW DID YOU LEARN TO READ?!?

Kentrosaurus has more spikes than the futures market. Its tail is covered entirely by spikes. Oh, and its weight was distributed further forward than most quadrupeds SO IT COULD SWING ITS SPIKES FASTER. It has spikes on its shoulders! For what? Is he going to hang some clothes there? NO! They are there to gore CHILDREN. But you won’t see your local school board planning for the STATISTICAL CERTAINTY of a Kentrosaurus attack.

Spikes are Kentrosaurus’s answer to everything. Forelimbs? Spikes. Spine? Spikes. The social niceties of modern society? You better believe if Kentrosaurus ever finds itself in the 21st century, that answer is going to be spikes. KENTROSAURS DON’T EVEN WEAR CLOTHES BECAUSE THEY PREFER SPIKES. Some dinosaurs were feathered. Kentrosaurus did not get that memo. But how did such a mad obsession evolve?

I can picture it now. Some proto-thyreophor was hanging out, and a helpless common ancestor to mammals was minding its own business, trying to develop sentience. Then the thyreophor saw the end of its own tail, and its tiny brain wondered if it would be awesome to IMPALE THE POOR PROTO-RAT on its tail. It went home to its nowhere, because thyreophors are too stupid to have concepts like ‘home’, and convinced all of its genus to shun those among them with less pointy tails. Those less pointy among them died off quickly, wandering in circles near bushes where theropods would convince them to play a game of I-wonder-which-of-us-is-tastier-you-go-first. But the truly pointy among the thyreophora, the exceptionally stabby, survived and evolved over a few million years into Kentrosaurus. Thus, the desire to impale mammals was hard coded into the DNA of Kentrosaurs, and spikes were their only language. (Probably. That was mostly conjecture.)

Oh, and did I mention Kentrosaurus was the size of a pony? IT’S THE FUCKING PONY EXPRESS OF SPIKES.

Kentrosaurus

 

PS: Thanks for all the traffic, redditors. I appreciate all the up-voting and sharing and subscribing I am getting from /r/ humor. This blog updates weekly, so stay tuned and thanks for supporting the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement.

Reader Mail August 2013: Godzilla and Toddzilla

Dear Editor,

I’m surprised and a little concerned that you’ve yet to mention the most dangerous of dinosaur threats: Godzilla.  Maybe you were going to get to talking about Godzilla eventually, but I can’t take the chance that you weren’t.

I mean, Godzilla is the biggest dinosaur, AND he can breath fire.  Plus, he emerges from and lives in the ocean.  THAT PLACE IS HUGE.  For all we know, Godzillas aren’t even extinct, merely biding there time at the bottom of the Pacific.  We’ve only just recently seen a live giant squid, what makes us think we’d have necessarily detected a colony of Godzillas down there?

I just want to know how we should prepare ourselves against the Godzilla threat.  Building a giant robot Godzilla has been suggested in the past, but that idea seems risky.  What if it sympathizes with the real Godzilla and turns against its creators?  Then we’d have yet another Godzilla to worry about.

– Sincerely,
Concerned Citizen

P.S. What kind of dinosaur is Godzilla by the way?  Is Godzilla the name of the dinosaur or is it a proper noun?  Or is it both, like how some people name their cat Cat?

Dear Citizen,

Ah, yes. The Godzilla problem. I try to keep the news on this blog timely and with the new Godzilla film arriving fairly soon, I was intending to cover it close to release. However, I agree that this is a good time to bring this issue to light.

Godzilla is a radioactively mutated member of the fictional Megalosaur species “Godzillasaurus”, as Raymond Burr explains in the American localization of the first film. While Godzillasaurus is fictional, there is a Godzilla species named for the film monster– however it is a marine reptile, not a dinosaur. It is most certainly extinct. However you bring up good points.
FACT: Mutations occur in cross species breeding that can bring about gargantuan size in offspring.
FACT: Fukushima is presently dumping tons of radioactive water into the ocean.
FACT: There is presently NO INTERNATIONAL PLAN for an amphibious giant monster attack.

Godzilla serves as a cautionary tale. Mankind cannot be trusted with the power of the Atomic Age. Nature DEFINITELY cannot be trusted with the power of the Atomic age. Is a Godzilla scenario plausible? Yes. Who knows how likely?

The only solution to giant monsters is giant robots. As we have seen, however, the government is more interested in air-to-teenager drone warfare than actually defending anyone from anything. When we need a giant defender robot, will we be prepared for the Godzilla scenario or any other dinosaur scenario? Seems pretty unlikely if you keep voting for politicians instead of Del Toro.
Thanks for the letter.

-Ed.

To the editor,

I am appalled that in America businesses celebrate and profit off of these monsters.  I have even seen circumstances of amusement parks enacting terror on patrons as if to predict how humans react to the terror.

I question if the reason the turtle has survived to date because they are quiet and subtle?  Anyhow any possible way you can tie sharkweek into a future blog.
-Todd

Dear Todd,
I too am appalled by the blatant profiteering that surrounds dinosaurs. You would think that no one watched or read Jurassic Park. It does seem strange that theme parks and zoos seem to strive to get the public to engage with dinosaurs as though they are exhibit animals to be profited from. Perhaps Dinosaur sympathizers are trying to desensitize the public to dinosaurs? Then when the theropods show up, will anyone run like a sensible person? No. They will line up for photos– ironically capturing the moment of their evisceration.
Turtles survived the reign of the dinosaurs because they made themselves hard targets. That is what America will have to do if she wants to survive the theropodcalypse.
As for Shark Week, I am steering clear of it. That preposterous Megalodon “documentary” is one of the sorriest excuses for educational television I have ever heard of. Megalodon is clearly extinct. It was wiped out by many of the much more terrifying modern sea monsters. Suggesting that an extinct animal is not actually extinct with little or no evidence is self defeating, ridiculous, and an insult to the audience’s intelligence. Thanks for the photo and the letter.

-Ed.
SAMSUNG

TERRIBLE NEWS: Dinosaurs just got 700,000 years closer.

Dinosaurs may be manipulating space and time to get closer to us.

Here at Dinosaurs! WTF?, I try to maintain logic and clear headedness when faced with the constant horror of the dinosaur threat. I try to only pursue plausible ideas for how dinosaurs will achieve their awful resurrection. I try to trust scientific fact, and I use the ideas of the scientific community to build my own ideas.

But science keeps telling me that dinosaurs lived more and more recently, and it is making me lose my once firm handhold on my ceaseless terror.

Dinosaurs survived 700,000 years after the meteorite collision, according to scientists in Alberta (a place so keenly aware of dinosaurs that it was named after a Tyrannosaurid). That meteorite, widely hailed by the dinosaur readiness movement as a selfless hero, apparently failed to fell the hadrosaurs. Does this mean that previous scientists were slightly off in their estimations of dinosaur extinction? Or are hadrosaurs rewriting the past, exploiting some sort of time loop? Does it matter? The Dinosaur Readiness Movement cannot abide hadrosaurs living any more recently than they already have.

“But editor,” you might be saying, “hadrosaurs are hardly the most frightening dinosaurs. They aren’t even carnivores.”

It doesn’t matter if they were carnivores. Let’s not forget that most murderers do not eat their victims. Let’s also not forget that Iguanodon was a hadrosaur. Iguanodon had daggers instead of thumbs. WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU NEED DAGGERS INSTEAD OF THUMBS? Dinosaur evolution is almost entirely about developing knives in as many places as possible. If these knife wielding maniacs have somehow accessed the Time Vortex, we need to know. You hear that, science?

This is one of those culture changing discoveries, like vaccination or lightning rods. Mark my words. What does it mean in the short term, now that you have freaking hadrosaurs creeping up to the Paleocene? Whenever you hear someone say that the dinosaurs died out 65 million years ago, you have to correct them.

“Oh, um, last I checked it was 64.3 million years ago,” you’ll say casually to conceal the overwhelming fear that boils just under the surface, “unless the FUCKING HADROSAURS are FUCKING WITH TIME AGAIN.”

iguana