Monthly Archives: July 2013

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EAT MORE POULTRY YOU GODDAMNED VEGANS

Thanks to DNA degradation, a Jurassic Park scenario has been almost entirely ruled out, providing a welcome relief for the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness minded American. So why can’t I sleep at night?

Due to vegetarians, pescetarians, vegans and their nature coddling ways, the editor at D!WTF? has identified another dinosaur resurrection holocaust scenario– the re-evolution of theropods from selectively bred chickens. This is different from Jack Horner’s idea about doing this on purpose because it requires people to just be stupid and careless, as opposed to clever and curious. I’m sure you have noticed which of those we are better at. (Go team!***) Evolution just has to do a good job of shooting the gap we leave in the dietary chicken wire.

Let’s have a quick history lesson, shall we? For awhile, the big bad carnivore on the block was Anteosaurus. It wasn’t a dinosaur. It was a doggy crocodile sort of thing. It had a big mouth and was pretty tough for a wannabe mammal. Things were good for Anteosaurus until the middle Triassic. What happened then? THEROPODS. Herrerasaurus was an early adopter of dinosaur extremism. Huge jaws. Big legs. 5 meters long. Highly evolved, mean, and faster than silly crocodogs, it wasn’t long* before dinosaurs  started playing the theropoda card in droves. A couple dozen million years later, you get Megalosaurus. Who needs useful arms? Get bigger jaws. Who needs a well balanced diet? Just kill and eat everything. Then you get dinosaurs just blatantly discarding** “arms” and going full Rex on the whole world. Tyrannosaurus. Albertosaurus. Tarbosaurus.

“But Editior,” you say, smiling coolly while spreading veganaise on a tomato sandwich, “giant Tyrannosaurus shaped theropods went extinct in the late Cretaceous.”

EXTINCT LIKE A FOX!

Barely an epoch after your precious extinction event you get Diatryma and Gastornis.
“Oh, but those are birds,” you say, scooping veganaise out of the jar with a two foot long celery stick.

Sure, birds. Let’s all ignore the giant running legs, the useless arm/wings, THE ENORMOUS JAWS OF DEATH. They ate horses. They ate freaking horses.

Not 1.8 million years ago there was a monster by the name of Titanis, a 9.5 foot tall hooked beak terror. In the Qaternary period. That’s our time zone, people. Titanis looked a lot like a chicken on steroids. Oh, but we don’t feed steroids to farm animals, right?
The mega farm model of chicken farming has yet to accidentally reawaken the vicious theropod DNA lying dormant in the modern chicken, but that is because (up until now) Americans have voraciously consumed all of the chickens produced. But if chicken consumption is significantly reduced, and those excess hyper specialized breeds of chicken were to be released into the wild and become feral, what is to stop them from evolving into murderous theropods within a couple generations? LITERALLY NOTHING. And yet, not a single spokesperson from the chicken industry has responded to my questions or comments.


Natural selection is no less harsh now than it was 230 million years ago, and it has only been the American dinner plate that has kept these tiny tyrants down. SO EAT MORE CHICKEN BEFORE CHICKENS EAT US ALL.

irritator

* It was about 40 million years.
** ‘Blatantly discarded’ here means significantly reduced in priority by natural selection over 100 million years.

***You ought to subscribe to this blog if you haven’t yet.

Redaction: Basilosaurus is not a dinosaur.

Just to clear the air, we mistakenly accused Basilosaurus, an extinct sea monster, of being a dinosaur at a recent purity rally. Several signs were given out stating that Basilosaurus was an unAmerican dinosaur ally due to an intern’s confusion between ancient whales and late Cretaceous era plesiosaurs*. The intern has been reprimanded (forced to watch Carnosaur in a dark room, three times) and we here at D!WTF? would like to extend our apologies. Basilosaurus is a whale, and whales are as American as they come.
*Cretaceous era plesiosaurs are also not dinosaurs, but may have been secret dinosaur allies.

Suchomimus: The Crocodile Mimic!

Imagine this. You and your family are walking down by the bay and you see a peaceful crocodile floating around in the water, seemingly minding its own business. Since crocodiles are peaceful beasts, content to lounge in the sun, you let your puppy and toddlers play on the beach. But wait a moment… do crocodiles normally have muscular, grasping claws? Or bird-like hip bones? Are crocodiles normally 11 meters long?

Suchomimus would like you to believe that it is a crocodile, but it is actually an enormous theropod closely related to other Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement darlings like Spinosaurus and Baryonyx. Why would Suchomimus go to all the trouble of pretending to be a crocodile? Tax purposes? Baby eating purposes? There are critics of the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement that suggest that there is no “scheme” on Suchomimus’s part, that the long, narrow jaws of the creature are an example of convergent evolution, because that shape is very good for fishing.

I call bullshit. Think about it. Where can a crocodile go unnoticed that a theropod would not be allowed? A nursery? The Dominican Republic*? VERY SNEAKY, SUCHOMIMUS. You almost caught humanity off-guard. But we’re keeping an eye on Suchomimus, here at D!WTF?, and we intend to keep the world updated as this story develops.

YOU AREN’T FOOLING ANYONE YOU MURDEROUS THEROPOD SCUM STAY OUT OF AMERICA.*

Suchomimus-01

* Suchomimus was actually found in Africa, but there was a lot of Pangaea going on back then so you can’t be too careful. -Ed.

 

Painfully Obvious: OF COURSE TYRANNOSAURUS WAS A PREDATORY MONSTER

There was a ton of dinosaur news last week, more than one blog can properly cover. However one story really got my goat (Tyrannosaur pun). This article here.

So apparently this surprised people. Tyrannosaurus was a predatory monster that brutally attacked its prey. OH, REALLY?!? I mean, I get that there are some Creationists out there, hiding in their weird little museums and Congress, who like to pretend T. Rex was a bundle of vegetarian joy. But seriously, who actually thought T. Rex didn’t hunt live prey?
“But Editor,” I hear you say, “some of today’s largest birds eat carrion, why not T. Rex?”
For the same reason you don’t bring a Gatling gun to Red Lobster. Bats didn’t evolve echo location because they were trying to read. T. Rex didn’t evolve into a humongous kill-dozer because natural selection demanded knitting skills.

Honestly, you’d think people would know better by now. Every feature you have ever noticed on a theropod is there because A) that feature is good for killing things or B) that feature allows the theropod to proceed more quickly to the location where it plans to kill things.

Critics of the Dinosaur Readiness Movement Ignore Common Sense

If you are like me, you probably did a double take the first time you heard someone criticize the Dinosaur Readiness Movement. I mean, what is there to criticize? To a reasonable person, Conservative Dinosaur Readiness just seems like common sense, but these days people seem to have no grasp of risk or reason. I hear words thrown around like “extinct” and “paranoia over an implausible scenario” and people throwing around ideas like vegetarianism and creationism. It seems like the majority of Americans are overwhelmingly ignorant about the dinosaur menace.

    • FACT: Many dinosaurs had giant knives instead of toe nails or fingers.
    • FACT: Dinosaurs have been extinct less than 1/3 as long as they ruled the Earth.
    • FACT: Some Dinosaurs were more massive than every single one of your friends combined, even if you are rather popular.
    • FACT: There are various scenarios I can think of off the top of my head which would bring the dinosaur threat to American soil.
      1. SUB-CONJECTURE: Such as the discovery of a subterranean lost continent of dinosaurs as described by Obruchev in the cautionary Russian novel Plutonia.
      2. SUB-CONJECTURE: Or the reverse engineering of chickens into their terrifying dinosaur ancestors as suggested by Jack Horner, who hasn’t returned my recent emails. (Update: He just got back to me, he’s just really busy.)
      3. SUB-CONJECTURE: Or the accidental super-feralization of rogue GMO chicken species upon their escape into the Kansas wilds, a scenario the National Chicken Council refuses to comment on when I accuse them on twitter.

 

I want to tell those critics out there– DINOSAURS ARE FUCKING TERRIFYING and they are actively PLOTTING AGAINST US. If dinosaurs aren’t a threat, why am I so scared of them?  If you are so unconcerned with dinosaurs, would you let your sister date a Ceratosaurus? Anyone who isn’t anti-dinosaur is pro-dinosaur, and being pro-dinosaur is what makes no sense.

dwtf ceratasaur

Saurophaganax: Misplaced Murderer!

Allosaurus Saurophaganax What the Fuck

Ilst. William Moore.

Like most of you, when I read a science text book with well sourced information, I tend to take it at face value. That tendency, however, is catching up with us. Saurophaganax is a huge Allosaurus specimen that– rightfully– is scaring the hell out of the entire Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement. Despite the fact that it was discovered in 1930 something, scientists didn’t bother studying this horrible abomination against humanity until Jurassic Park came out on special edition VHS. This thing was 12 meters long. Look outside. You see that house that’s larger than any carnivore you’d ever want to meet? Yeah, that’s about 12 meters long.

I honestly can’t wrap my head around this failure by the “greatest generation” scientists. How do you find an OBVIOUSLY MURDEROUS animal this big, and then go do something petty like fight in WWII? Obviously there were some misplaced priorities back then.

Oh, sorry scientists, I guess you must have been busy curing cancer. Well, you can’t die of cancer IF YOU ARE EATEN BY A 40 FOOT LONG THEROPOD. Now scientists are saying that Saurophaganax is causing them to upscale their estimates of Allosaur sizes. Great, I guess we’ll just upscale our anti-dinosaur militias OH WAIT WE CAN’T BECAUSE WE WASTED OUR MONEY ON CANCER RESEARCH.