Thanks to DNA degradation, a Jurassic Park scenario has been almost entirely ruled out, providing a welcome relief for the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness minded American. So why can’t I sleep at night?
Due to vegetarians, pescetarians, vegans and their nature coddling ways, the editor at D!WTF? has identified another dinosaur resurrection holocaust scenario– the re-evolution of theropods from selectively bred chickens. This is different from Jack Horner’s idea about doing this on purpose because it requires people to just be stupid and careless, as opposed to clever and curious. I’m sure you have noticed which of those we are better at. (Go team!***) Evolution just has to do a good job of shooting the gap we leave in the dietary chicken wire.
Let’s have a quick history lesson, shall we? For awhile, the big bad carnivore on the block was Anteosaurus. It wasn’t a dinosaur. It was a doggy crocodile sort of thing. It had a big mouth and was pretty tough for a wannabe mammal. Things were good for Anteosaurus until the middle Triassic. What happened then? THEROPODS. Herrerasaurus was an early adopter of dinosaur extremism. Huge jaws. Big legs. 5 meters long. Highly evolved, mean, and faster than silly crocodogs, it wasn’t long* before dinosaurs started playing the theropoda card in droves. A couple dozen million years later, you get Megalosaurus. Who needs useful arms? Get bigger jaws. Who needs a well balanced diet? Just kill and eat everything. Then you get dinosaurs just blatantly discarding** “arms” and going full Rex on the whole world. Tyrannosaurus. Albertosaurus. Tarbosaurus.
“But Editior,” you say, smiling coolly while spreading veganaise on a tomato sandwich, “giant Tyrannosaurus shaped theropods went extinct in the late Cretaceous.”
EXTINCT LIKE A FOX!
Barely an epoch after your precious extinction event you get Diatryma and Gastornis.
“Oh, but those are birds,” you say, scooping veganaise out of the jar with a two foot long celery stick.
Sure, birds. Let’s all ignore the giant running legs, the useless arm/wings, THE ENORMOUS JAWS OF DEATH. They ate horses. They ate freaking horses.
Not 1.8 million years ago there was a monster by the name of Titanis, a 9.5 foot tall hooked beak terror. In the Qaternary period. That’s our time zone, people. Titanis looked a lot like a chicken on steroids. Oh, but we don’t feed steroids to farm animals, right?
The mega farm model of chicken farming has yet to accidentally reawaken the vicious theropod DNA lying dormant in the modern chicken, but that is because (up until now) Americans have voraciously consumed all of the chickens produced. But if chicken consumption is significantly reduced, and those excess hyper specialized breeds of chicken were to be released into the wild and become feral, what is to stop them from evolving into murderous theropods within a couple generations? LITERALLY NOTHING. And yet, not a single spokesperson from the chicken industry has responded to my questions or comments.
@chicken_supe Why won’t the chicken industry comment on Titanis or Gastornis? Are you afraid the Dinosaur Readiness Movement might be right?
— Alex G Friedman (@friedman_hoax) July 30, 2013
Natural selection is no less harsh now than it was 230 million years ago, and it has only been the American dinner plate that has kept these tiny tyrants down. SO EAT MORE CHICKEN BEFORE CHICKENS EAT US ALL.
* It was about 40 million years.
** ‘Blatantly discarded’ here means significantly reduced in priority by natural selection over 100 million years.
***You ought to subscribe to this blog if you haven’t yet.