Reader mail, May 2015

This post was scheduled to come out after the big Chickensaurus post that I am working on, but that one isn’t done yet, so here’s reader mail for the first quarter of 2015. At least they are good letters! Be patient with me.

“Toodles”

-Ed.

 

Tricia writes:

Just thought I’d send a “PROPS!” to you on the website.  I’ve enjoyed the blogs thus far and will be looking forward to some more time to read in the future.
Toodles~
Tricia
Tricia,
Thanks a bunch. I will alert the props department of your donation.
-Ed.
Sharon W. writes:
Hi,I am writing to enquire about the possibility of advertising on your site.
I found your site http://www.dinosaurswtf.com/ and interested in paid post. Let me know if you are interested then I will give you more details.I can offer you best to make it worth your time.

With best regards,
Advertising manager
sharon

I replied:
Hi ‘sharon’,
The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement is not interested in hawking ads for anything less than five figures. We are an extremist political movement, not buzzfeed. You want ads, you can get serious.
Also, I suspect you of being a dinosaur sympathizer.
Thanks,
Editor
She replied:
Hi,I just want to publish my affiliate page on your site so that we will get some revenue and you will get your commission.  You can earn 10% of the sale just by referring people!  That is over $50 per Course!We pay you commission on every sale that comes from your affiliate links.  (this does NOT include the ‘custom services’, so no commissions will be paid on consulting services)
You can not receive commissions on your own orders through your own affiliate link. This is a great way for YOU to make money sharing the benefits of healthy living with others! Right now we will give you US$250 for this participation and to upload the page.

This is our site for affiliation:[deleted]

Let me know then we will send to you a single page for your site.

I replied:
Sharon,
Are you a robot? Did you even read my email?
I’m not interested in $50, or $250.
Five figures. That is the starting price.
She replied:
Hi,I have sent to you a paid ads request few days ago, you did not reply back yet, please let me know if you are interested then I will send you more details.Regards

I replied:
Five figure offers only, Sharon.
Sharon is clearly a dinosaur sympathizer.
Dav writes:
hi editor, my name is dav or dogmoon, ur friend brenna from miami is my friend & she told me about ur rad website, i rly like the humor & critique.  u inspired me to think critically about how our culture utilizes the body of the dinosaur to disseminate ideology thru pop representation of the dinosaur.  ive written two pieces so far that i wanted to share with u, let me know what u think.thanks

-dav or dogmoon

That’s baller as hell, Dav. Send me stuff.
-Ed.
Meghan writes:

Love your website. Its very informative. As a new member of the conservative dinosaur readiness movement i originaly thought dinosaurs were coo! Not any longer. My eyes are open to the threat dinosaurs pose. My question is what is the movement’s stance on eating dinosaurs. Do you think its ok? After all if we eat dinosaurs in the dinosaur apocalypses the number of the scaley (or feathery) fiends will discrease right? If so do you think dinosaurs taste like chicken or turkey or cow?

Sincerly,
Interested
Meghan,
There is actually a good deal of information out there regarding what they tasted like. As far as whether we SHOULD eat them, the answer is very adamantly yes. We should eat all of them. That’s what they would do to us.
-Ed.
See you all next time. Want to send me email? Knock yourself out.

How to Vote like A DinoCon

Conservative Dinosaur Readiness is a complex, multifaceted collection of beliefs and totally realistic, temperate fears. Our movement is also severely underrepresented in mainstream politics. So how does one vote in the present political landscape in order to best assert (what I am now calling) DinoCon values?

I was recently confronted with the abysmal farce of a movement known as ‘PaleoConservativism.’ I recognized that, in addition to our under-representation, we also have to deal with confusion between our movements. PaleoCons would suggest that they are the Classic Coke of conservatism. But it shares more with that syrupy abomination, New Coke. Founded in the 80’s, with saccharine ideals like ‘civil society’ (read: 7th Heaven family values) and Old Right Pat Buchanan comb-over philosophies, it too should be wary of its associations with Bill Cosby. PaleoCons are about as Paleo as the diet, they are fake, based more on The Flintstones than sound observational thinking about the past. In plainer English, fuck them, I wanted to nickname our movement “PaleoCons” but they took the name and fucked it all up. *hrumph*

So now, we are the DinoCons. We are the grassroots cultural resistance force seeking to prevent the seemingly imminent dinosaur resurrection event through concise political rhetoric and clear thinking. We know that in order to survive, humanity must shore up the dam against the dinosaur tides while preparing for their eventual collapse.

Our platforms:
“Science Good”
How do you prepare for an enemy that hides in prehistory? How do you predict the ways it will seek to emerge? You have to understand science. The feralization of selectively bred poultry? The re-evolution of Tyrannosaur phenotypes? Our questions and hunches don’t just need to be asked, they need to be the top priority for our leaders. That’s why DinoCons take the stance that science is good. Therefore, the enemies of science are bad. Let it be known that no politician will ever receive the backing of The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement without a Bachelor’s in Science from an accredited university. Want our votes? Go get the degree. By the time you’re done, maybe you’ll also learn a thing or two about student debt.

“Dinosaurs Bad”
Dinosaurs come from a time in our Earth’s (yes, OUR EARTH) history when survival was about how many butcher knives you could grow out of your body and how quickly you could insert them into the bodies of other living things. Much like a child raised by religious TapouT enthusiasts, they became violent zealots, drunk on death. Dinosaurs were produced by an environment whose major exports were lava and dunkleosteus. They were the savage tyrants of this world for hundreds of millions of years, and you better believe they would do it all again if they could. Only by a concentrated global political effort will humanity prevent that. We vote for candidates who take strong stances against dinosaur resurrection.

What does that all mean?

That means strict control of the poultry industry, focusing on the elimination of capitalist factory farming. We need to have access to poultry, because it is important to the human diet, but we need to stop being brutal about it (STOP GIVING CHICKENS A REASON TO KILL US) and we need to stop maximizing monetary profit over the security of our food source.

That means better funding of scientific research and public science education. Where will the money come from? Literally anything else, but particularly administrator savings and the wealthy. Politicians, government bureaucrats, and corporate officers should be separated from their savings, and that savings should go to science. Why? Because if that money isn’t in the economy, it isn’t preventing the dinosaur apocalypse. Hedge funds, investments, and any salary over 100 grand have something in common: they require a dinosaur free future in order to be spent.

That means an end to governmentally privileged religions. You can believe whatever hooey you want, but you still have to pay taxes so dinosaurs won’t consume humanity.

Finally, that means a strong pro-environmental stance. The best thing going for our world right now is our quickly disappearing ice age. However, the new left capitalists are doing their damnedest to heat up this planet as fast as they possibly can and frack up as much land as they can buy. You know who likes high global temperatures and shifting continental plates? FUCKING DINOSAURS. Big Business is basically terraforming the planet for dinosaurs.

Hopefully, this clears up what we will be looking for in the 2015/2016 elections. Any comments or questions on our stances can be left in the comments below, I will answer them in an update.

Subscribe unless you are a PaleoCon. PaleoCons can click here.

Leonard Nimoy and Neil Gaiman and the Most Anti-Dinosaur Comic Imprint Ever

With the sad passing of Leonard Nimoy, I thought I might collect and share some weird literary history. See, this here happened back before Star Trek experienced its recent resurgence in popularity, before Neil Gaiman was openly recognized as the brilliant writer he really isn’t, before geek culture was cool and then cliché and then whiny. These days were known as the 90’s, and aside from Bill Clinton’s NATO bombing of a couple of hospitals in Kosovo (“dual-use” targets), it was a pretty good time.

Back in those days, Leonard Nimoy and Neil Gaiman contributed to Tekno Comix, a comic book publisher that was devoted to Anti-Dinosaur rhetorical exercises. Seriously, 30% of their titles were about how bad it would be if Dinosaurs [fill in the blank]. And that was because Leonard Nimoy, Neil Gaiman and Isaac Asimov were way ahead of their time and knew that some day we would have to deal with political questions of Dinosaur Readiness as a society. (Neil Gaiman promptly stopped being ahead of his time after the 90’s, but whatever.) The two titles best titles were Nimoy’s PriMortals and Gaiman’s Teknophage.

Yes, I had these as a child. Yes, they probably contributed to my dinosaur hating world view. Thank god, right?

PriMortals was Nimoy’s concept. So you got these aliens, right? And they make first contact with humanity, and the lead alien is like–
“Listen, we actually run around granting sentience to randos every now and again. Sometimes we invent people, sometimes we fuck up real bad. You guys seem… eh, but remember how I was saying we fuck up sometimes? Yeah, dinosaurs.”
So you have this giant superpowered dinosaur with genius intelligence running around breaking chains on all the comics covers while humanity is still trying to figure out wtf just happened.
Republican party was like Lewinski > Kosovo
Nimoy allegedly talked through the premise with Asimov, which sort of blows my mind. I mean, if Roddenberry had still been alive, he would have recorded that chat and made Loulie Jean Norman sing the remix. How awesome would that have been? It would have been like–

Nimoy: “The aliens have experimented on dinosaurs in visits previous. Now one of the dinosaurs is upset about that. Its emotions are… mad.”
Asimov: “Oh! Make it a moral conundrum! Oh man! Make it SO CHALLENGING ETHICALLY!”
Nimoy: “And then that would be challenging ethically for the humans. Their emotions would be… sad… happy… mad.”
Asimov: “WHAT COULD YOU EVEN ETHICALLY THINK WITH IMMORTAL INTELLIGENCE?!?!?!?!”
Nomoy: “The alien’s facial structure would be angular.”
Norman: “wooooOOOOOOOO AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHH!

Yes. That would have been how it would have happened. Anyhoo. The moral of the story was that you probably shouldn’t give infinite intelligence to dinosaurs. I took this lesson to heart.

Neil Gaiman’s Teknophage… you’re going to think I’m making this up. First, because it sounds exactly like Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement propaganda. Secondly, because you will have a hard time imagining Neil Gaiman writing something other than goth nostalgia. Teknophage was about a Tyrannosaurus who is literally the capitalist plutocratic overlord of a planet. He is a businessman Tyrannosaurus. He rules with teeth and the almighty dollar. Look, he even wears a little suit.
Does he look more like Donald Trump or Mitt Romney?
When someone pissed him off, Henry (the dinosaur businessman is named Henry) would swallow them whole and partially digest them for a few hours. Then he would spit them back up and they’d be all gooey and acid burned. It was totally metal.

Somehow this comic company didn’t particularly succeed; Tekno only lasted about two years. Leonard Nimoy’s characters fared the best, getting a tie-in novel and a bitchin’ interactive CD-ROM. But I know what you’re wondering.

Was there a crossover battle between Nimoy’s alien and Henry?

OF COURSE THERE WAS.

God save you, 1996. Anyone who can send me a scan of the inside of PriMortals #15, I will post the battle on here.

Thanks for reading. If you enjoyed today’s entry, subscribe or whatever. Also, you can send me a letter. I am a little backed up right now but I do read all the mail I get. Do you need a pint glass? How come no one else remembers the Kosovo missions? The hospital bombing was on friggin’ TV and everything.

Danez Smith – Dinosaurs in the Hood

The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement officially approves of this poem. Make sure you read the whole thing at The Poetry Foundation.

Let’s make a movie called Dinosaurs in the Hood.
Jurassic Park meets Friday meets The Pursuit of Happyness.
There should be a scene where a little black boy is playing
with a toy dinosaur on the bus, then looks out the window
& sees the T. Rex, because there has to be a T. Rex.
– Danez Smith, “Dinosaurs in the Hood”
Read the whole poem here, buy his book here. If you don’t like poetry, check this out instead.

Reblog of Great Darren Naish article…

Howdy. Calling your attention to an excellent Darren Naish article in Scientific American.

Let it be noted that this is how one throws shade in the scientific community. This is the exact way, letter for letter. Enjoy.

Brian J. Ford’s Aquatic Dinosaurs, 2014 Edition

What dinosaur will be your undoing?

Conservative Dinosaur Readiness advocates, I present you with:

all images in this post credit Ryan Martin, with many thanks

all images in this post credit Ryan Martin, with many thanks

  1. Dinosaurs have come back to rule the earth. What's your first reaction?





  2. A pack of Saurophaganax have moved into your neighborhood.





  3. Your cousin "Big Louie" is trapped at the gas station, which is surrounded by Crylophosaurs.





  4. Lambeosaurs are eating your front lawn.





  5. Finally, what is your greatest resource?





Alright, this goofy post took me (seriously, no joke) three weeks to put together due to technical challenges, artistic challenges, and constant paranoia of IMMINENT DINOSAUR DESTRUCTION. So you better enjoy it and tweet about it or facebook it or whatever.

Much thanks to Ryan Martin for his work on this post.

Call for Experts! Whales and Pro Wrestling

Hello. Editor here. I am looking for experts to add input on articles on the subjects of Whale Biology and Professional Wrestling. Are you the person I need to be talking to? Hit me up! Let me know your specialty and credentials. THESE ARE PRO-MAMMAL ARTICLES. NO DINOSAUR LOVERS.

<3 <3 Thanks!

Editor, D!WTF?

To Dig and Wait: Honor Our Mammal Ancestors

Did you forget about dinosaurs and all that? I suppose that can happen when I don’t stoke the fires of anti-dinosaur fear rhetoric for a month. Well, my ability to survive the snow with my fur and warm blood and social intelligence spurred me back to action, and I come tolling the bell of remembrance for those mammals that survived to beget our great, dinosaur-free society.

arch of dino triumph
Recently a discovery has been made by science-types that really illustrates the struggle of mammals during the tyranny of dinosaur rule. Scientists discovered a muddy imprint fossil that shows three footprint tracks: a dinosaur, a reptile, and a mammal. The footprints lead to a riverbank where the three likely went to drink.

The discovery fills in a bit of the mammal narrative that has been forgotten all these long years. You might interpret these prints as three creatures going about their business but I see something far harsher. This fossil tells the story of a mammal sneaking a drink of life sustaining water in a world dominated by terrifying dinosaurs that outweighed it by hundreds of times, and reptiles that were diverse enough to glide around the skies and hunt through the ocean depths. This was an ancestor of ours. A ferret of freedom. A weasel of the future. It lived in a world of tyranny and fear.

You see, people like to forget about the fact that mammals came up on the wrong side of the Cretaceous extinction event. We didn’t have it easy. Mammals had no safety on the surface of the earth. We had to burrow and hide for millions of years. We had to survive on what the dinosaurs left to be scavenged. We had to wait until, by a stroke of luck, those tyrants died of something that didn’t happen to kill us.

There are some people who would tell you that mammal survival is a bootstrap narrative. That we worked hard, and gained dominance of this planet through long hours and thankless labor. That is not true. One day, a rock literally fell from the sky and killed those ancient selfish tyrant lizards, and then we got a chance to grow among the ashes. The tyrannical monsters who controlled all of the safety and resources on the surface of the Earth died because they couldn’t adapt to living with nothing, like they had forced us to do.

It’s easy these days to think about dinosaurs as a has-been threat, a boogie monster from long ago. But we must never forget the valiant struggles of the mammalian race. You’ll find the story is very familiar.

Take heart as you remember the struggle for resources in a land ruled by ancient, seemingly invincible tyrants; remember that you are still capable of burrowing and waiting. It is your mammal heritage, to burrow and wait. Sometimes burrowing and waiting is all you will have. When tyrants hold all the lush green wealth of the Earth, it is impossible to distribute it in any way that makes sense, while they still live. And those tyrants will try to draw you out of your burrow, they will try to claim they represent evolutionary progress. They will tell you there is plenty of room in the world, but you have to remember that they want to eat you. They want to gobble you up whole and forget you ever existed. That’s what tyrants do.

Dig and wait. You may never be granted your karmic retribution space rock, but at least they won’t eat you and you can develop social intelligence and creativity and all the other shit those resource hoarding tyrants miss out on. I mean, when you get down to it, they’re just a bunch of dinosaurs, anyway.

Subscribe! Who knows, maybe I’ll post again.

Stop Giving Dinosaurs Cool Names

Rhinorex. Dreadnoughtus. Kryptodrakon. Are these the awesome XBOX Live handles of your teenaged cousin? No. They are names of newly discovered prehistoric monsters.

Listen up, scientists.  You need to stop naming dinosaurs such cool things. I know you feel underappreciated and you want your work to be recognized, but think of the children. Children are already exposed to enough pro-dinosaur rhetoric as it is. Why do you insist on naming dinosaurs such cool things? Are you trying to make children idolize dinosaurs? Are you cigarette salesmen? Is the next sauropod discovery going to be Joecamelsaurus?

“But Editor,” I bet you’re saying out loud to the screen, “We have to name dinosaurs something. If you’re so smart, why don’t you name them for us.”

GLAD YOU ASKED, SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY!

What follows is a list of suggested uncool names for future dinosaur discoveries.

 

Giant Sauropod

 

Humilisaurus “Low Self-Esteem Lizard”

Bromolentus “The Stinking Lazy One”

Oscularisordidosaurus “The Sloppy Kissing Lizard”

 

Theropod

 

Deinohalitus “Terrible Breath”

Donald Rumsfeld  “Donald Rumsfeld”

Redditophaganax “Internet Shit Eating Master”

 

Ceratopsian

 

Praetereoceratops “Totally Skippable Horned Face”

 

Ornithomimid

 

Hoobastankomimus “Emo Mimic”

 

Hadrosaur

 

Molestanasaurus “Boring Duck Lizard”

Weepydontis “Weepy Toothed”

 

hoobastankomimus

I want to impress upon you, scientists, your responsibility to the people in making sure these names are used. No more Harry Potter references. No more “super best most awesome lizard king” bullshit Latin names, just because they sound cool. Name dinosaurs responsibly.

Do you want to send me angry emails about giving dinosaurs cool names? Shoot me mail here. I also appreciate subscriptions and when you buy my mugs.

5 Ways Triceratops is Mocking Humanity

Triceratops is one of the most recognizable dinosaurs. It is frequently cited by misguided children as their “favorite dinosaur” (ugh). But Triceratops really doesn’t need any more ego boosting. Its head is already huge. And what does it do with all of its success and popularity? It mocks you. Triceratops is mocking you because it thinks it is better than you. Let’s consider all the ways it is flaunting its good fortune over humanity.

Thanks to Will Moore for the art.

Thanks to Will Moore for the art.

5. Triceratops was a survivor.

 

Are you walking around with a label on your shirt that says something about your clothes company or brewery being established some time in the last millennia? Jeez, no wonder Triceratops is so smug. While you walk around acting like the survival of a college since 1809 is some great accomplishment, Triceratops is gloating over a reign of 2 million years. Closing out the age of dinosaurs, on top of that.

So yeah, don’t go around posting that your bar was established in 2010 and expecting Triceratops to be impressed. For one, its tiny brain couldn’t understand the concept of things being established for calendar years that are labeled with written language. But more importantly, your accomplishment is stupidly insignificant compared to ceratopsian longevity.

 

4. Triceratops had supportive friends.

 

Triceratops is also laughing at you because of your useless wuss friends. Your friends would suggest that they ‘have your back for real, bro’, but they are puny worthless cowards compared to Triceratops friends.

If you got in trouble with the drug cartels, would your buddies fight the gangsters with you? No. No, they would not. They would sit there chewing on kale chips and watching netflix and casually feigning concern.

Now imagine that the gangsters were Tyrannosaurs. Triceratops friends were all over that shit. They would travel and feed in groups and take on Tyrannosaurs like it was routine. That’s why Triceratops is so friggin’ self righteous about everything, and why it laughs at you every time you have trouble finding a friend willing to drive you home from dental surgery.

 

3. Triceratops was a confident open carry practitioner.

 

There is nothing more easily mocked by Triceratops than a human gun rights protester.

Human gun rights protesters go to Tim Horton’s in awkward groups of fourteen or so, trying to hold homemade signs about “Pry This From My Cold Dead Hands, ‘Bama” while brandishing squirrel poppin’ guns. Or maybe they stand out on the town hall lawn of a town that barely requires a hall to govern, and wave around vaguely legal assault weaponry while chanting about snakes that are unhappy about being stepped on. Does that behavior suggest confidence to you?

Because Triceratops did not require a Tim Horton’s as a stage for its weapons displays. Triceratops was so IN-YOUR-FACE with its weaponry, that it literally wore them on its face. Constantly. Triceratops was so confident with weapons that scientists argue whether the gun rack on its head actually mattered for self defense at all, or if it was just there for sex appeal and the cool factor.

The literal cool factor, I mean. It might have functioned to regulate body temperature. But anyway, the point is Triceratops did not give a fuck on such a scale that makes Charlton Heston seem like he was basically ambivalent on the gun question.

 

2. Triceratops had community child care.

 

Okay, well maybe you figure that people don’t need to be tough survivor-fighter types. Maybe you figure that humans can take the moral high ground, with our advanced simian social support systems.

Wrong again, stupid monkey.

Here in the United States, human beings can’t even agree that maternity leave from full-time employment is a thing that should exist. Ceratopsians not only protected their young, they may have done so communally. Triceratops females may have even worked together to protect juveniles.

Now, remember, a juvenile Triceratops also had giant horns and was far from defenseless. Compare this to the way humans send unarmed, squishy youths to violent drug-ridden public schools, and then try them as adults in court when they end up assaulting people. And you wonder why Triceratops has a chip on its shoulder.

 

1. Triceratops life was not consumed by bills, student loan debt, or unfair part-time wages.

 

Triceratops spent its time roving the plains, eating whatever looked good, fighting crazy monsters, and competing for sexual attention. Just roamin’, chillaxin’, ballin’. Living the dream.

Look at you. You have nothing but restrictions on your time. When was the last time you had any freedom whatsoever? You have to decide whether or not you can afford to spend $3 to put chicken on your salad at T.G.I. Fridays, because you are not sure you’ll be able to make your $335 student loan payment if you do.

Do you think Triceratops ever worried about that? No. It did whatever the hell it wanted. It didn’t order salad off of menus, the whole world was its salad. And if Sallie Mae had been around to try and restrict the disbursement of that salad, it would have ended up trampled and gored.

There’s really no question why Triceratops is mocking you, humanity. #sorrynotsorrytops

Thanks for reading. Subscribe here, or don’t. Triceratops didn’t subscribe. You could send me a note, but Triceratops never writes. When are you going to stop measuring your accomplishments by those of a 65 million years dead ceratopsian?