Great News: Dinosaur Descendents Stupider than Toddlers

This week we have a guest report by esteemed movement supporter Marten Dollinger. Check out his other work here, and here.

Studies Show Dinosaur Descendents Stupider than Toddlers (Mostly)

Caledonian Crows are all the talk of avian studies, lately; they’ve been observed to use tools and make inferences. However, a team of psychologists recently discovered an important flaw in crows’, and consequently dinosaurs’, thought process: they cannot come up with a novel behavior after watching some simple cause and effect reactions. This particular leg-up on the birds is fantastic news for the movement, since 70 percent of even the smallest and squishiest of humans can do that. Also, when the dinosaur apocalypse comes, that figure will likely rise to 100 percent due to natural selection.

What the heck does that even mean, you ask? Well, the experiment was pretty simple. The scientist set up a chain reaction in which dominos knock over a rock, which falls on a see-saw, which gives the subject a treat. The crows are pretty bright, they could easily figure out to start knocking over dominos. The next part was to give the birds and humans a version of the chain reaction that doesn’t have the dominos after observing the chain-reaction one several times. Toddlers worked out they could just drop the rock straight in and not have any need for all those dominos. The birds were lost without the domino effect, one just picked up the rock, put it down, and then flew away and cried tiny bird tears, longing for the simple observed dominos that made it feel so smart.

idiot crow

Now, to turn this meaningful study into some actionable advice: incorporate Rube Goldberg contraptions into the raptor-proofing methods you already apply to your own home. We have covered the basics of raptor-proofing before, but these can be greatly improved upon by adding a layer of complexity that dastardly theropods may think they can navigate. They’ll watch the springs and wires and counterweights interact that allow you safe passage into your fortified structure, and think they can get the drop on you like they did poor Muldoon. Meanwhile, you’ll remove an integral piece of the system, and they’ll get dropped into one of your many spike pits instead. Clever girl, indeed.

Update: do NOT incorporate a moat into your defenses. It might take them a while, but it’s only a matter of time before the raptors figure out how to roll boulders into it, flood your entire bunker, and devour you like so many Goldfish brand cheddar crackers.

A Brief History of Wrong: Young Earth Creationism

Yeah okay I know this post is late, I’ve been working on my Master’s thesis. Cut me some slack. Anyway.

 

Today, in a follow up to our last article, we’ll be tackling the history of Young Earth Creationism. As you’ve seen from our constant analysis of dinosaurs, it is often useful to understand the history of the adversaries of humankind. And these folks are DEFINITELY adversaries of humanity. So let us examine Young Earth Creationism and how this movement has been completely wrong through history.

 

The Bible is not a Crossword Puzzle of Natural History

 

Young Earth Creationists generally believe in an estimate of the Earth’s age based on the chronology works of a nice Irish Archbishop named Ussher. In the 1600’s, Ussher guesstimated that the Earth was created on October 23, 4004 BC based on the Bible and what was known about ancient history at the time. His calculation was based on a nice even thousand years between the Temple of Solomon and the birth of Jesus Christ, that led to a nice even three thousand between Creation and the Temple. He basically used the Bible as a crossword puzzle to determine the age of the Earth. The numbers were sort of elegant, so they sort of made sense.

 

The problem wasn’t that Ussher was a bad scholar or something, he was just using the wrong source material. Instead of studying the Earth to learn about the Earth, he studied historical accounts and the Bible. You need to study the source material in order to learn about something. You wouldn’t use a TV Guide from 1995 to learn the age of the Earth, either. You read the 1995 TV guide for what was on TV in 1995. And you read the Bible for poetry, violence, and astoundingly bad advice.

 

You Don’t Even Have to Dig Yourself, You Lazy Idiots

 

The YEC movement is not new. While the Earth’s age was anyone’s guess for a long time, the modern debate (and thus the modern YEC movement) got going in the 19th century, when a new scientific field, Geology (at the time called ‘Undergroundology’… yeah, I know) began seriously contradicting literal “interpretations” of the Biblical book of Genesis. Geology’s findings suggested that the Earth was incredibly ancient, magnitudes older than the accepted estimates of the time. Some people disagreed, and thus the YEC movement was born.

 

Young Earth Creationists did not understand that they weren’t just wrong, like you might be wrong about predicting a World Cup, but that they were painfully mistaken based on even the most casual observation of a large hole in the ground. Looking at a deep hole in the ground, one can find evidence of the past, and it is generally arranged in chronological order. And stuff from the time of Solomon is nowhere near the middle. It is very near the top. There are layers and layers of dirt and rock and evidence beneath that time’s artifacts. Thus, the Ussher estimate is wrong. Very simple.

 

But gosh, what if you don’t want to dig the hole? Well thankfully, erosion will dig it for you! Just go to a gorge or a canyon! And then look at the dirt. With your eyes.

 

The “looking at dirt with eyes” method convinced most people of the age of the Earth (at least as far as ‘really old’ verses ‘grandpa might remember’) within about two generations. Oh, but there were still hold outs. And the dead-cat-bounce of these hold out factions are what we are witnessing today.

 

A Basic Understanding of Any Major Field of Science Shows Young Earth is Impossible

 

The modern YEC movement is still directly tied to Ussher’s work, except they are no longer Irish Catholic for the most part (6000 years isn’t enough time to store up that much lingering guilt, right guys?). They have added new beliefs, mostly to try and argue against the overwhelming scientific and immediately observable evidence against their claims.

 

For example, for a long time, the YEC was trying to suggest that fossils were placed in the Earth by Satan, as a hilarious trick to fool humanity. And that’s why they suggest the process of evolution. Satan is really clever, I wouldn’t put that past him. But now, the YEC suggests things like “fossilization is actually really fast” and “micro-evolution exists, but not macro-evolution”. That’s probably because the modern human mind, when presented with the solutions to the natural world’s questions by science, grasps the logic of basic science very quickly. And that basic understanding is all a person needs to disprove Creationism.

 

Similar to the “look at ground with eyes” method, basic understanding of the science anywhere is just as good at coming to the conclusion that YEC is wrong. For example, plate tectonics are easy to understand, easy to measure, and if you live in California, you can go and see it in action on a long weekend. Comparison of what’s found on the land of either side of the Earth shows that the continents were once linked, and if you combine that knowledge with the speed at which continents move, bingo. You know YEC must be wrong.

 

I was taught that lesson in 2nd grade with play-dough and a jigsaw puzzle. By a nun. Simple stuff.

 

So when you see an Australian Evangelical arguing with Bill Nye on TV, remember that you are watching a guy who denies the basic observable reality in which he lives for an outdated slipshod history written by a bored monk in the 1600’s. And that his arguments can be disproven by children and nuns and anyone with the most basic understanding of modern logic.

 

How about you? How were you taught about the natural history of the Earth? Have you ever dabbled in Creationism? Send me letters or subscribe.

 

We Need to Have a Talk: Young Earth Creationism

In this installment of “We Need to Have a Talk”, we will be discussing Young Earth Creationism. And it will not be nice.

Continuing the trend of interesting comments this site has received lately (many of which will be honored in the awards later this month), I have finally gotten a comment that I have long been anticipating.

“We YEC’ers are slightly harder to the right wing than you you you right-evo-whatever people. We like you though you’re wrong. Which means that not only are we as pro-dinosaur as you or more, we are also far more inclined to actually take the threat you pose of re-emerging dinosaurs more seriously, BECAUSE!! … well, because those doggone dinosaurs (A.K.A. Dragons) are still out there, lurking in the boondocks of the earth, in places like the Congo and New Guinea and Northern Australia, terrorizing natives, killing cattle, and studying creationism too (I guess … I mean, why not?). So not only are they out there, but they must also be coming here – to kill – and they won’t be killed. So amen and watch your backs for the Rapts. Yeah.”

Some readers have mentioned that this comment seems like a joke. Sure, it could be. Seeing as this is a totally legitimate political blog, I find that highly unlikely. But more convincingly, the rhetoric of this comment matches the actual beliefs of Young Earth Creationism. And I would like to share some thoughts on those.

So to start, for all of the honest-to-God, actually hardcore Conservative Young Earth Creationists out there: The dinosaurs that I describe in this blog, this totally serious and non-satirical blog that is in no way a blatant parody of conservative paranoia, ARE EXTINCT.

DINOSAURS ARE EXTINCT.

I am not talking about Coelacanths. I am not talking about Emus. I am talking about Animalia– Chordata– Dinosauramorpha– Dinosauriforms– Dinosaurs. They went extinct nearly 65 million years ago, nearly 11 thousand times the Young Earth Creationist’s ENTIRE PERCEPTION OF TIME ITSELF ago.

Dinosaurs are extinct, and in Young Earth Creationism’s consciousness of the Earth, if it can even be described as such, extinction barely exists. Young Earth Creationism’s historical perspective cannot grasp the causality of things on a level that allows for numbers beyond the ten thousands. Young Earth Creationism cannot allow for history beyond 400 generations, much less natural history. Dinosaurs are not dragons, which also do not exist. Perhaps this was confusion of reality with the 2002 film Reign of Fire.

A SIMPLETON’S PATCHWORK HISTORY

And it is in this rigid, infantile world consciousness that Young Earth Creationism is mired and will remain.

Modern Young Earth Creationism denies the plainly observable world in favor of a make-believe history in which the racist Bible cartoons from Catholic school parade around with graphics stolen from Jurassic Park. Young Earth Creationism claims that their views on the origins of the planet are eyewitness accounts from God, that the King James Bible is the word of the Lord (dictated not read).

There are no primary sources in the Bible, unless you dismiss the fact that it has been translated dozens of times before reaching an English readership. Saving that, the only primary sources in the Bible are some reasonably sexy poems and a number of highly dubious letters. Suggesting that Genesis holds an eyewitness account of anything, particularly the backwards carnival ride suggested by YEC authorities, is either deception or ignorance.

Young Earth Creationism would have you believe that the Earth is younger than the domestication of cats. Young Earth Creationism would have you believe that the 12,800 pound bite of a Tyrannosaurus Rex was used for eating salad. Young Earth Creationism would like to use a book that explains with excruciating detail the correct process of branding slaves and selling daughters into bondage as the standard text for scientific education.

SO NO

So no, Young Earth Creationism. Young Earth Creationists are not pro-dinosaur. They do not comprehend what a dinosaur is. Young Earth Creationists are not conservative. They live an ignorant and harmful fantasy that they are trying to force on the public. This is highlighted by the possibility that a person with Young Earth Creationist views would attempt to engage this website in factual debate. The Young Earth Creationist concept of the world is garbage. Thanks for writing in.

Join me next week for “Young Earth Creationism: A Brief History of Wrong.”

Subscribe. Send a letter to the Editor.

The Dinosaur Machine

What’s scarier than a dinosaur? How about a dinosaur machine?

A science and engineering team from Korea Advanced Institute of Science and Technology has developed a new running robot. The problem? They are basing it off of the running mechanics of Velociraptor. Yeah, a freaking Raptor Robot. If they wanted to go ahead combine all of my greatest fears, they should make the robot run for public office. Oh, or maybe the robot could incorporate itself as an LLC, so its creators wouldn’t have to be legally accountable for the murders it is bound to commit. There, now I’ve gone and jinxed it.

Many news organizations are comparing the speed of this new robot to runner Usain Bolt, who is really fast for a human being but sort of slow for a gazelle. You know, or compared to a predatory pack hunter from the Cretaceous. I guess I am happy that they haven’t gotten the tin can up to peak predator speeds yet, but this is Korea we are talking about here. These are the people who invented the Zerg Rush, Graphene, and the MP3 Player. I think they’re probably going to figure it out.

Also interesting about the coverage of this terrifying new technology is the media’s complete lack of understanding regarding what a “raptor” is. They seem to grasp that Jurassic Park was a film and that Velociraptor was a dinosaur, but after that it starts to break down pretty badly. Check out this bit from the Utah People’s Post:

“The robot, called the Raptor (means “fast”), runs on two nimble legs, and is capable of running at a remarkable speed of 46 kilometers per hour (kph), or 28 miles per hour (mph), on a treadmill.”

I suppose 'fast' might describe how quickly you must make peace with your gods...

I suppose ‘fast’ might describe how quickly you must make peace with your gods…

Raptor… means fast. No, Rachel Donald of the proud state of Utah, ‘Raptor’ does not mean fast. It means ‘kidnapper’. In… basically every language. ‘Raptor’ in Spanish means kidnapper. ‘Raptor’ in Portuguese means kidnapper– or baby snatcher. There are fast baby snatchers, but this is not a necessary qualification when one is applying the word ‘raptor’.

In fact, the word has its roots in Latin! GUESS WHAT IT MEANS IN LATIN? (IT DOES NOT MEAN FAST IN LATIN.)

Anyway, subscribe and tweet and buy a flask with an ankylosaurid on it. Sorry that you live in a world full of Raptor-bots and stuff.

Site News and Letters to the Editor May ’14

2013-2014 Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement Awards

The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement is rapidly approaching its first birthday (June 21). In honor of this event, and all of you fine political pioneers who have supported the movement in its first year, Dinosaurs! WTF? will bestow awards on our greatest contributing subscribers. All subscribers will be considered for honors. There is no need to apply for an award, I have already googled all of your email accounts and twitter handles, so I know all about you.

There will be awards for best letter to the editor, most outspoken defender of the movement, least likely to be a theropod in disguise, worthiest foe of the movement, and so on. There will be a fabulous prizes attached to each award, although I have no idea what they will be.

I’ll be considering for the awards up until June, so feel free to do something for the D!WTF? cause before then.

Happy Birthday Mary Anning

I swear to god you will get a real article at some point, Mary. Happy Birthday and thanks for the early warning about dinosaurs.

Letters to the Editor, May ’14

After the last article, movement supporter @sablehawk and I discussed Chi Gung and Tai Chi as ways to deal with raptors. On twitter:


Later, he wrote to me at length. Sablehawk writes:

Perhaps this could be adapted for use. This is based on actual conversations with a mystic holy man who lives in the woods of Tennessee.

I felt I should give you a deeper answer on using Tai Chi to battle dinosaurs, so I spoke with a local Master.

Sablehawk: Can we use Tai Chi to battle dinosaurs?

Master: That statement is actually deeply Zen, I’m glad you have advanced so far.

Sablehawk: um, thanks? Why?

Master: Tai Chi is the ultimate fighting form, but since dinosaurs do not currently exist, combat must remain pleasantly metaphoric. Since Tai Chi is the ultimate meditation form, teaching you to communicate with your body through the symbols of martial arts, you are proposing a symbolic battle with metaphoric enemies. Clearly you are working to grasp your deeper issues through meditation, excellent.

Sablehawk: Actually, I mean real dinosaurs.

Master: Well, Tai Chi with dinosaurs is a very interesting topic. Having experienced them in a dream, I can tell you that they are a bright and terrible life, shining in energy but desolate in deeper ambitions. They know nothing of wood and earth, planning and balance. They survive on Yang metal and Yin water, the kinetic pursuit of goals.

Obviously, the ones who survived in dream are seen as dragons of fire and water; their desire for continued life extends past all sensible conclusions. I recommend against becoming like them and worry about your avatar’s continued existence if you try to commune with them.

Sablehawk: They can eat me in my dreams?

Master: Probably not, as you are just a student, but by the time you are a master, yes.

Sablehawk: How might that impact actual interaction with actual-incarnate dinosaurs?

Master: Clearly creatures of a previous, and regrettably future, incarnation have a lot to tell us. It would be interesting to interact with them to determine how they lived. Obviously, a lot of people share this inclination, which will undoubtedly be the cause of their coming resurrection. They have predicted as much.

Sablehawk: Can we fight them with Tai Chi?

Master: Tai Chi is used to understand them. The study of them would develop an animal style which would generate a fighting style to combat them. Set aside the strengths of their attack, Yang, and penetrate the weaknesses of their defenses, Yin.

Sablehawk: So are you studying them in dreams to find their weaknesses?

Master: No, I bought a Saiga with a 20 round drum for back-up in case the .308 Sniper doesn’t do the trick. Oh and of course the Glock and the 1911, but hey, you knew I carried those. Tai Chi is great and all, but I live out in the woods and can’t count on the cops to respond inside 30 minutes.
***
So there you have it. Dinosaurs will fucking eat you in your dreams. This martial arts thing has made for some really weird posts, even by my standards.

Thanks to Sablehawk for the letter. If you want to send me a letter, shoot me one through our contact page. Also, buy a goddamn mug. Ryan Marten designs these beautiful mugs and you people tell me they look great and then never buy any. What is that even about.

How to Fight a Raptor

In this article, Persius Q. Lumbar, expert mixed species martial arts instructor, has provided helpful commentary on how to fight a raptor in hand-to-claw close quarters combat. Dinosaurs!WTF? would like to extend humble thanks for his input.

 

Mr. Lumbar is an experienced animal combatant, known in the animal fighting world for victories against bulls, shrews, and the ravenous wild turkey. The following conversation has been transcribed, edited, and illustrated.

 

How to Fight a Raptor

 

Lumbar: Firstly, it should be understood that fighting a dinosaur in close quarters is absolutely not recommended. Raptors, in particular, were amazingly competent warriors… probably.

 

Ed: Well, we are looking at a worst case scenario here. If the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness movement should fail in its mission to keep the various political powers that be from resurrecting dinosaurs-

 

Lumbar: Yes, yes, things would be pretty grim, then. Bad news bears. I fight bears. Anyway, the first thing you want to do to prepare is lift a bunch of kettle bells whilst growing a manly goatee.

1_Kettle Bells-01

Ed: Really?

 

Lumbar: Obviously. Lets review the basic threats and techniques.

Threat 1. Man Against a Leaping Assault by Deinonychus

2_Leap Attack-01

Lumbar: Do not, under any circumstance, allow a Deinonychus to gain the high ground. In all likelihood, however, it already has by the time you realize you will need to fight a Deinonychus. Your first instinct might be to punch the incoming raptor in its soft underbelly. Raptors, however do not have soft underbellies like men do. This is actually a serious evolutionary flaw in mammals. Raptor ribcages extend over the belly, by punching the belly, you would find yourself with a broken hand seconds before you are torn limb from limb like a soft pretzel.

 

Ed: Well that isn’t very helpful.

 

Lumbar: Shh.

 

Technique 1. The Handstand Donkey Berates the Farmer

3_Donkey Kick-01

Lumbar: This ancient Tai Chi technique, wherein the warrior kicks out his back legs visciously-

 

Ed: Like a donkey?

 

Lumbar: Like a handstand donkey. This technique will allow a warrior to utilize his superior reach and handstand strength against the lightly built carnosaur. Should the technique be used correctly, whist the raptor is in mid-flight, it will be knocked away with great force.

 

Ed: Interesting.

 

Lumbar: Everything that saves your life is interesting. Thus I recommend your readers try to do twenty or so handstand push-ups daily, to maximize the effect of this technique.

 

Threat 2. Man’s Head Within the Jaws of Deinonychus

4_Head Bite-01

Lumbar: Do not allow a raptor to put your head in its mouth.

 

Ed: Okay…

 

Lumbar: Carnosaurs, with a few exceptions, had very impressive force behind their bite. A raptor could crush your head like a Honda crushes my son’s favorite model aeroplane.

 

Ed: Just… just like that?

 

Lumbar: Exactly like that.

 

Technique 2. The Monkey Plucks the Banana

5_Throat Punch-01

Ed: Oh god.

 

Lumbar: This technique, from the Tai Chi Master Jared Fitzpatrick, requires precise timing and a willingness to be puked on by a raptor. The warrior, seeing that the raptor has left its tongue and epiglottis exposed by is attempt to fit a human head in its mouth, grasps the tongue and punches back into the raptor’s throat.

 

Ed: Wouldn’t the raptor just bite off your arm?

 

Lumbar: No, it will be too busy puking.

 

Threat 3. The Deinonychus Lashes Out with a Deadly Kick

6_Front Kick-01

Lumbar: Now you have the advantage. The raptor sees you as a threat! Your intimidating posture! Your rippling bisceps! Perhaps it sees its own death in the pattern of your facial hair.

 

Ed: Sure.

 

Lumbar: It lashes out at you with its killing claw, trying to count the folds of your intestines with its meat hook feet!

 

Ed: Relax.

 

Lumbar: You relax!

 

Technique 3. The Orangutan Wrenches the Branch in Twain

7_Leg Split-01

Ed: What’s with you and apes?

 

Lumbar: In this technique, the warrior utilizes the light build of his birdlike opponent and his superior upper body flexibility to turn the raptor’s deadly kick into an incredibly painful hyperextension of the inner thighs. Grabbing the raptor’s out-thrust leg and wrenching it into the air, the warrior then pulls apart the raptor’s legs in a way God never intended.

 

Ed: I don’t think God intended any of this.

Threat 4. The Joust

8_Head Charge-01

Lumbar: A Deinonychus may try a charging head butt, hoping to scare you into freezing or to knock you off balance. Once the raptor knocks you down, it’s curtains for you. Raptors are incredible ground fighters, with blazing fast rabbit kicks and twisting, serpentine bites!

 

Ed: So how do you stop an animal as fast as a horse from head butting

you?

Technique 4. The Ram Rebukes the Stepchild

9_Spear Defense-01

Ed: That’s terrible.

 

Lumbar: The warrior must remember that he has the weight advantage. When the raptor charges with a headbutt, you dive and meet it with your own! Your skull is just as thick as a raptor’s, if not moreso! Leap forward and drive your forehead into its snout.

 

Ed: A spear? Like the illegal football tackle?

 

Lumbar: Precisely.

 

Ed: That’s illegal because it causes severe neck injuries. It hurts everyone involved, even whering scientifically advanced helmets and padding.

 

Lumbar: You know what else causes severe neck injuries? Raptors.

 

Threat 5. Never Gloat Over a Fallen Raptor Corpse

10_No Gloating-01

Lumbar: A dead raptor is probably faking.  Just like the vicious kitten, a raptor is just as deadly lying down as it is standing up. A fallen raptor will try to lure you into making the mistake flexing victoriously or posing for photos. That’s where the expression ‘playing raptor’ comes from.

 

Ed: I have never heard that expression. And I run this website.

 

Lumbar: You have to make sure that the raptor is dead.

 

Ed: Well, good interview, thanks for-

 

Technique 5. The Capuchin Bludgeons the Sleeping Clown

11_Bat Attack-01

Ed: Another violent monkey.

 

Lumbar: This technique, invented by Capoeira Mestre Bimba and honed by me, is the only way to be sure that a fallen raptor is actually dead. Granted, you have beaten a raptor soundly if you have utilized even two of the four previous techniques, but raptors are resilient.

 

Ed: Uh huh.

 

Lumbar: You’ll need a baseball bat. I prefer one made out of aluminum.

 

Ed: Uh huh.

 

Lumbar: Then you beat the raptor with the baseball bat until you can barely tell what it used to be.

 

Ed: What is your problem?

 

Lumbar: You know? I am starting to doubt your devotion to this cause.

 

Ed: Sometimes people like you make me wonder.

 

Thanks for reading. If you liked this failure of an interview, subscribe! If you liked the art by William Moore, buy his awesome t-shirts and visit his webcomic.

 

5 Dinosaurs that Prove Millennials are Unemployable Losers

We all know the lazy and entitled generation of wannabe adults currently littering our 18-33 year old age bracket. But did you know that the Millennials seem even crappier when compared to long-extinct megafauna? Let’s pile on to the Me! Generation and pat people over 35 on the back for a little while (and generate several hundred thousand hits, heh heh heh).

 

5. Khaan fits in without making constant pop-culture references

Khaan

Khaan, as a dinosaur, was everything Millennials are not. It was omnivorous, and ate whatever was available and nutritious. It evolved from a long tradition of similar Oviraptorids, because it had the good sense to be classic unironically.

Unlike those picky eating, self obsessed Millennials. If a Millennial tried to find something to eat in the Cretaceous, they would probably be like,
“Oooh, is this lizard gluten-free and locally raised? Is this flowering plant vegan friendly? Oh, I can’t eat eggs because they aren’t ethical and I’m allergic to legumes and I don’t actually know how to cook for myself.”

Khaan would just EAT THE LIZARD. And then his offspring would thrive for thousands of years due to natural selection.

You know what else? Khaan is not a reference to friggin’ Star Trek. Not everything has to be a reference to some nostalgic reboot of some garbage TV show you watched in 1993. Khaan fit in with its contemporaries because of useful physical capabilities, swiftness, and the general good sense to keep out of the way of advanced capitalists, err… predators. You Millennials need to stop with the constant references to your vacant plastic culture (that no one spent billions of dollars drilling into your skull at birth with ad campaigns scientifically calculated for your exact demographic). I can’t walk into a bar anymore without seeing some dolt in a Legend of Zelda shirt and a Batman belt, hogging up the bar TV with Doctor Who when OBVIOUSLY everyone in the bar with any sense would rather be watching FOX News.

God, how are you even old enough to drink?

 

4. Limusaurus actually has marketable skills

Limusaurus_inextricabilis_skeleton

Limusaurus was a tiny beaked ceratosaur that lived in Asia during the Jurassic. It is one of the earliest known theropods to have evolved into an herbivore. This evolutionary development is so similar to adaptations in other prehistoric reptiles that it is considered an excellent example of evolutionary convergence.

That’s because Limusaurus adapted to fill a sensible niche, instead of getting some fruity humanities degree and then moving back to its parents’ couch like those stupid Millennials.

Millennials somehow got this idea that they have unique perspectives that need to be shared with the world instead of just shutting the hell up and working for free. Millennials somehow managed to flood the market with lawyers and computer scientists and educators who have no practical experience doing anything at all. Why the hell do they think that a decade and tens of thousands of dollars worth of formal training in any way compares to the two-five years of experience using “work email internet” held by professionals over 40?

As every Gen-X and Baby Boomer professional knows, computer internet is the one on the screen with the lower-case ‘e’ or the swirly fox world that Cousin Ronnie put there. I’d like to see a fancy state college degree that can tell you that, Millennials.

Millennials need to take a hint from Limusaurus and be very small and unobtrusive while doing something that no one else wants to do, for free.

 

3. Giraffatitan pulled itself up by the bootstraps

800px-Giraffatitan_scale

Giraffatitan was an enormous brachiosaur that lived during the late Jurassic. It was nearly 75 feet long, and possibly weighed as much as 40 tons. It has been cited as a contender for the largest land animal of all time, and full grown Giraffatitans likely had no predators.

An animal doesn’t adapt its way to that sort of massive success overnight. No, it takes millennia and millennia of natural selection. Giraffatitan’s ancestors were lucky if they got a chunk of their tale bitten off by a Dilophosaurus. If you were a protosauropod trying to extend its neck to reach the higher foliage, you would have wished Lamarck had been right about how evolution works. Oh, and they didn’t have computer algorithms to work out their fancy graduate level non-linear equations, they had no concept of math because their brains only adapted to a lifestyle of high browsing. And you don’t get 100 million years of high browsing experience at Michigan State, buster.

See, the development of the impressive Giraffatitan was an adaptation to a series of environmental conditions. Millennials, however, never seem to have any interest in high paying jobs because they are lazy and always on Facebook. The nutrient rich world of the Jurassic, caused by atmospheric conditions and a hotter climate on Earth was incredibly hard going for everyone involved. Just like the industry driven economic booms of the early and mid 20th century and the capital driven booms of the latter part of that millennium, it was hard work and individual strength that made Giraffatitan capable of adapting over millions of years to survive in the tropical and delicious Jurassic.

And let me tell you, Millennials, if you can’t understand the value of a day’s hard work, then you can get right back to fighting our wars, paying out of pocket to become our doctors, and volunteering to teach the next generation for free.

 

2. Guanlong actually had good instincts

800px-Guanlong_SIZE

Millennials these days are so clueless it hurts.

“Ohhh, train me how to do this logistically complex office work. Wahhh, I don’t know how the corporate culture works because I’m shunned based on my age.”

Shut up.

Guanlong proves that you just have to have the right instincts about things to be successful, not fancy tax-deductible legally-required job training. Guanlong was a 10 foot long Jurassic era Tyrannosaurid, one of the first of that long line. A real pioneer.

When was the last time a Millennial got an idea as good as evolving into a Tyrannosaurus? Huh? Name one thing that was ever invented by a millennial.

Guanlong translates to “crested dragon”. That’s totally ferocious and makes me both scared and full of awe. Millennials, on the other hand, still wear graphic T-shirts and think that growing a good beard means letting your neck turn into a thicket. Guanlong had highly developed hind legs for hunting fast prey and fleeing Allosaurs. Millennials think facial piercings and pink streaks in their hair are office appropriate in moderation.

Just shut up and pay into Social Security.

 

1. Tarchia is thick skinned and looks smart to me I guess

800px-Tarchia_6497

You have to admire an animal with as much armor as this Asian Cretaceous ankylosaurid. And it looks really smart too. Tachia translates to “the brainy one”, named as such because of its big skull and sort of knobby looking head plate thingies. Even though evidence would point to a low intelligence for any ankylosaurid, I still just sort of have a good feeling about this one being a real wiz.

Tarchia was a desert biome low browser, which means that you could probably pay him less and he wouldn’t negotiate. And he’s an herbivore, which means that you could probably also scare him if you yelled and seemed really emotional, and then maybe you could also use that to pay him less.

Tarchia’s obvious intelligence also means that he would fix my computer because I accidentally put the ‘e’ in the trash can and I don’t know how to internet now.

Gosh, Millennials, why can’t you be a go-getter like Tarchia? If you could just settle for eating desert scrub and sleeping outside, maybe you could find better jobs. You are already using the nation’s parents’ couches as your personal wino flop houses. Just stop ever going out and stop trying to save for an apartment and get a job and go away but after you fix my computer and also run the entire economy while older generations get to reap all of the benefits. Is that so hard?

If you enjoyed this piece of internets please dial me on your modem or sign up for my faxes or buy a pair of pajamas.

Dinosaur Crime Scenes: Prehi-STALKERS

Dinosaurs were committing heinous crimes during the Mesozoic; crimes so terrible that I have to cover them for the next couple of weeks on my vaguely public conservative internet blog. Enjoy the second installment of Dinosaur Crime Scenes.

Stalking! A crime that is hard to define and makes very little legal sense. Here in Ohio, our laws against “Menacing by Stalking” can be interpreted broadly: “No person by engaging in a pattern of conduct shall knowingly cause another person to believe that the offender will cause physical harm to the other person or cause mental distress to the other person.”

Taking that to its logical conclusion, the number of people who have committed this crime against me personally is difficult to even quantify. Insurance salesmen? Knowingly cause mental distress. Bankers? They repeatedly tell me to remove my Dodgers cap on their premises or else the guard will throw me out into the street. Geez! Menacing! Dudes who insist on carrying their guns on them at Wendy’s? Hell yes I think you’re going to cause me physical harm, and you know it! People who drive Hummers near me in the grocery store parking lot? YOU MIGHT AS WELL SAY YOU WANT TO DRIVE A MONSTER TRUCK OVER MY FAMILY.

Basically, everyone I interact with is guilty of Menacing by Stalking. So it makes a lot of sense that theropods would be stalkers.

Oh, but now we have scientific proof of dinosaur stalkers. This week, this report hit the news.

In 1940, before scientists understood ideas like “not desecrating 100-million-year-old fossils” and “documenting where you ship 100-million-year-old fossils”, fossil collectors managed to wreck a third of a dinosaur trackway in Texas. But using old photos and 3d modeling technology, scientists were able to digitally reconstruct the trackway for study.

"These old-timey sledge hammers are definitely the best tools for preserving these priceless fossil imprints."

“These old-timey sledge hammers are definitely the best tools for preserving these priceless fossil imprints.”

What they found was evidence of a DINOSAUR CRIME SCENE. Oh, wow, really? Gosh I’m so surprised.

Two dinosaurs are represented in the trackway, some sort of sauropod and a large theropod. As you have probably guessed, the theropod was stalking the sauropod. And while I hesitate to call any dinosaur a ‘victim’, judging by the theropod in question, the sauropod was about to have a very bad day.

Acrocanthosaurus, our suspected theropod perpetrator, definitely has a guilty face. Look at that face. Find me a single judge that wouldn’t convict that face. Acrocanthosaurus was a nasty monster. It had a ridge of spines going down its back that show evidence of dense shoulder muscle. Likely, Acrocanthosaurus got these giant muscles from pumping steel every day in the prison yard.

You can totally tell which dinosaurs were jailbirds by their prison muscles, even if they didn’t opt for the tattoos.

People call me paranoid because I think dinosaurs want to stalk us. I am not paranoid, I am logically interpreting the evidence presented to us. Just like that weirdo who uses a bright yellow H2 as his commuter car and follows you through the grocer parking lot slightly too closely, Acrocanthosaurus and his theropod ilk have a proven pattern of being creepy stalkers. They should all be arrested.

You should subscribe and tweet @dinosaurswtf and buy mugs from my shop or else you are guilty of Menacing by Stalking in the state of Ohio.

Dinosaur Crime Scenes: Silence of the Majungasaurus!

Dinosaurs were committing heinous crimes during the Mesozoic; crimes so terrible that I have to cover them for the next couple of weeks on my vaguely public conservative internet blog. Welcome to the new feature Dinosaur Crime Scenes.

The Crime: Cannibalism

“A Centrosaurus once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.”

In news that I didn’t find surprising at all, there is evidence from a 2007 paper published in Nature that Majungasaurus, an abelisaur sort of similar to Carnotaurus, was a freaking cannibal. Many of the fossils of Majungasaurus were found with Majungasaurus feeding marks on their bones.

It seems that the only disgusting taboo that dinosaurs have not been found guilty of yet is mixing toothpaste with orange juice, and that’s only because dinosaurs never brushed their teeth (insert tiny T. Rex arms joke here).

Majungasaurus was already a nasty predator. Majungasaurus most likely weakened its prey by biting and then holding on with teeth that were designed to clutch instead of slice inward. This prey would have included medium sized sauropods like Rapetosaurus and Rob Ford.

As for the cannibalism? This behavior involved stiff competition for food, according to scientists. But I wager it probably had more to do with typical theropod self-loathing and the inherent evil within the hearts of all dinosaurs (citation needed).
majung
How Heinous Was It?

Despite the fact that no one normal cares, scientists question whether the animals killed each other or were eating already fallen comrades. Some scientists say it is unclear whether the dinosaurs were hunting one another or just scavenging off of each others’ corpses. Contributing artist and Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement supporter William Moore seemed to think this was a question that mattered.

Though he claims to be a vegetarian, William said “If I had no other choice [in a wilderness survival situation]? Of course I would [scavenge off of your corpse]. Why wouldn’t I?”

Movement supporter Timmy H. commented, when asked whether he would scavenge on the corpse of a fallen comrade, “It’s certainly an interesting question.”

I immediately amended my Last Will and Testament to dictate that none of my friends were allowed to eat me if they wanted to remain in my extremist political movement. I thought most people were against cannibalism, but apparently it’s all about context now.

The Donner Party could not be reached for questioning.

 

HEY! D!WTF? has a new twitter account! Go follow @dinosaurswtf on twitter!

We Need to Have a Talk: Pterosaurs are not Dinosaurs.

“We Need to Have a Talk” is a new semi-regular feature in Dinosaurs!WTF? that will address misconceptions about the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness movement and its paleontological / political concerns. Try to enjoy the non-suggestive and rhetorically non-aggressive FAQ format.

Hey editor! Look! A Pterosaur plush toy!

People are constantly pointing out dinosaur related things to me and that makes a lot of sense. People send me links every time there is a national news story about dinosaurs, just like I send coupons for mental wellness centers to my friends who openly admit to liking TapOut. These are logical responses that show we care about one another’s interests.

Through their willingness to share, however, I have uncovered a disturbing trend. Many people are still under the impression that Pterosaurs are dinosaurs. Pterosaurs are not dinosaurs, and it is a bad idea to count them in with dinosaurs.

But aren’t Pterosaurs just as bad as dinosaurs? Shouldn’t the Movement be just as worried about them?   

That there? That’s dangerous thinking, bucko. Practically regressive.

Pterosaurs are flying reptiles. They may be closely related to dinosaurs, but they may also be much more closely related to basal archosauromorphs (which went mostly extinct in the Triassic). Either way, they pose nowhere near the threat of dinosaurs.

But they have nasty teeth and beaks and they can fly. Isn’t that like, half your problem with dinosaurs?

Yes, those are major reasons why I hate dinosaurs. However, an enemy must be near us in order to harm us, no matter how winged and toothy. Pterosaurs, since they are not dinosaurs, are not near enough to us in time or evolution to pose any threat.

Remember, the reason why there needs to be an active anti-dinosaur political movement today is because dinosaurs are very, very nearby. Look out the nearest window. There is probably a close dinosaur relative out there, right now, plotting. A pigeon trying to regrow its killing claws. A crow remembering pack hunting pred-prey dynamics. A chicken doing squat-thrusts. They remember, and they are one genetic foible away from going FULL-THEROPOD on all our asses.

So the issue is that Pterosaurs didn’t evolve like dinosaurs?

Yes, as far as we know. Pterosaurs are just dead. Big difference from dinosaurs. Only in the Jurassic Park model of dinosaur resurrection, which is genetically impossible due to the degradation rate of DNA, could Pterosaurs be resurrected. It just isn’t going to happen.

Also, Pterosaurs were never as intelligent as dinosaurs. They were still operating as reptiles, as far as we can tell. They probably didn’t have complex social behavior, they weren’t likely to be problem solvers. Compare that with your modern crow.

Yeah, now consider what that crow would be doing with those skills if it was big enough to eat a baby. If Perdue’s breeding coordinators thought they could make a buck off of siring a toothier, 5-foot-tall crow, you better believe we’d have some damn problems.

So does that mean believers in the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement are allowed to think that Pterosaurs are cute?

ABSOLUTELY! Look at how cute these extinct flying reptiles could be!

Rhamphorhynchus? AWWW!

You just want to swaddle him.

You just want to swaddle him.

Thanks for reading and remember to subscribe if you like being free from rampaging dinosaurs.