5 Dinosaurs that Prove Millennials are Unemployable Losers

We all know the lazy and entitled generation of wannabe adults currently littering our 18-33 year old age bracket. But did you know that the Millennials seem even crappier when compared to long-extinct megafauna? Let’s pile on to the Me! Generation and pat people over 35 on the back for a little while (and generate several hundred thousand hits, heh heh heh).

 

5. Khaan fits in without making constant pop-culture references

Khaan

Khaan, as a dinosaur, was everything Millennials are not. It was omnivorous, and ate whatever was available and nutritious. It evolved from a long tradition of similar Oviraptorids, because it had the good sense to be classic unironically.

Unlike those picky eating, self obsessed Millennials. If a Millennial tried to find something to eat in the Cretaceous, they would probably be like,
“Oooh, is this lizard gluten-free and locally raised? Is this flowering plant vegan friendly? Oh, I can’t eat eggs because they aren’t ethical and I’m allergic to legumes and I don’t actually know how to cook for myself.”

Khaan would just EAT THE LIZARD. And then his offspring would thrive for thousands of years due to natural selection.

You know what else? Khaan is not a reference to friggin’ Star Trek. Not everything has to be a reference to some nostalgic reboot of some garbage TV show you watched in 1993. Khaan fit in with its contemporaries because of useful physical capabilities, swiftness, and the general good sense to keep out of the way of advanced capitalists, err… predators. You Millennials need to stop with the constant references to your vacant plastic culture (that no one spent billions of dollars drilling into your skull at birth with ad campaigns scientifically calculated for your exact demographic). I can’t walk into a bar anymore without seeing some dolt in a Legend of Zelda shirt and a Batman belt, hogging up the bar TV with Doctor Who when OBVIOUSLY everyone in the bar with any sense would rather be watching FOX News.

God, how are you even old enough to drink?

 

4. Limusaurus actually has marketable skills

Limusaurus_inextricabilis_skeleton

Limusaurus was a tiny beaked ceratosaur that lived in Asia during the Jurassic. It is one of the earliest known theropods to have evolved into an herbivore. This evolutionary development is so similar to adaptations in other prehistoric reptiles that it is considered an excellent example of evolutionary convergence.

That’s because Limusaurus adapted to fill a sensible niche, instead of getting some fruity humanities degree and then moving back to its parents’ couch like those stupid Millennials.

Millennials somehow got this idea that they have unique perspectives that need to be shared with the world instead of just shutting the hell up and working for free. Millennials somehow managed to flood the market with lawyers and computer scientists and educators who have no practical experience doing anything at all. Why the hell do they think that a decade and tens of thousands of dollars worth of formal training in any way compares to the two-five years of experience using “work email internet” held by professionals over 40?

As every Gen-X and Baby Boomer professional knows, computer internet is the one on the screen with the lower-case ‘e’ or the swirly fox world that Cousin Ronnie put there. I’d like to see a fancy state college degree that can tell you that, Millennials.

Millennials need to take a hint from Limusaurus and be very small and unobtrusive while doing something that no one else wants to do, for free.

 

3. Giraffatitan pulled itself up by the bootstraps

800px-Giraffatitan_scale

Giraffatitan was an enormous brachiosaur that lived during the late Jurassic. It was nearly 75 feet long, and possibly weighed as much as 40 tons. It has been cited as a contender for the largest land animal of all time, and full grown Giraffatitans likely had no predators.

An animal doesn’t adapt its way to that sort of massive success overnight. No, it takes millennia and millennia of natural selection. Giraffatitan’s ancestors were lucky if they got a chunk of their tale bitten off by a Dilophosaurus. If you were a protosauropod trying to extend its neck to reach the higher foliage, you would have wished Lamarck had been right about how evolution works. Oh, and they didn’t have computer algorithms to work out their fancy graduate level non-linear equations, they had no concept of math because their brains only adapted to a lifestyle of high browsing. And you don’t get 100 million years of high browsing experience at Michigan State, buster.

See, the development of the impressive Giraffatitan was an adaptation to a series of environmental conditions. Millennials, however, never seem to have any interest in high paying jobs because they are lazy and always on Facebook. The nutrient rich world of the Jurassic, caused by atmospheric conditions and a hotter climate on Earth was incredibly hard going for everyone involved. Just like the industry driven economic booms of the early and mid 20th century and the capital driven booms of the latter part of that millennium, it was hard work and individual strength that made Giraffatitan capable of adapting over millions of years to survive in the tropical and delicious Jurassic.

And let me tell you, Millennials, if you can’t understand the value of a day’s hard work, then you can get right back to fighting our wars, paying out of pocket to become our doctors, and volunteering to teach the next generation for free.

 

2. Guanlong actually had good instincts

800px-Guanlong_SIZE

Millennials these days are so clueless it hurts.

“Ohhh, train me how to do this logistically complex office work. Wahhh, I don’t know how the corporate culture works because I’m shunned based on my age.”

Shut up.

Guanlong proves that you just have to have the right instincts about things to be successful, not fancy tax-deductible legally-required job training. Guanlong was a 10 foot long Jurassic era Tyrannosaurid, one of the first of that long line. A real pioneer.

When was the last time a Millennial got an idea as good as evolving into a Tyrannosaurus? Huh? Name one thing that was ever invented by a millennial.

Guanlong translates to “crested dragon”. That’s totally ferocious and makes me both scared and full of awe. Millennials, on the other hand, still wear graphic T-shirts and think that growing a good beard means letting your neck turn into a thicket. Guanlong had highly developed hind legs for hunting fast prey and fleeing Allosaurs. Millennials think facial piercings and pink streaks in their hair are office appropriate in moderation.

Just shut up and pay into Social Security.

 

1. Tarchia is thick skinned and looks smart to me I guess

800px-Tarchia_6497

You have to admire an animal with as much armor as this Asian Cretaceous ankylosaurid. And it looks really smart too. Tachia translates to “the brainy one”, named as such because of its big skull and sort of knobby looking head plate thingies. Even though evidence would point to a low intelligence for any ankylosaurid, I still just sort of have a good feeling about this one being a real wiz.

Tarchia was a desert biome low browser, which means that you could probably pay him less and he wouldn’t negotiate. And he’s an herbivore, which means that you could probably also scare him if you yelled and seemed really emotional, and then maybe you could also use that to pay him less.

Tarchia’s obvious intelligence also means that he would fix my computer because I accidentally put the ‘e’ in the trash can and I don’t know how to internet now.

Gosh, Millennials, why can’t you be a go-getter like Tarchia? If you could just settle for eating desert scrub and sleeping outside, maybe you could find better jobs. You are already using the nation’s parents’ couches as your personal wino flop houses. Just stop ever going out and stop trying to save for an apartment and get a job and go away but after you fix my computer and also run the entire economy while older generations get to reap all of the benefits. Is that so hard?

If you enjoyed this piece of internets please dial me on your modem or sign up for my faxes or buy a pair of pajamas.

Dinosaur Crime Scenes: Prehi-STALKERS

Dinosaurs were committing heinous crimes during the Mesozoic; crimes so terrible that I have to cover them for the next couple of weeks on my vaguely public conservative internet blog. Enjoy the second installment of Dinosaur Crime Scenes.

Stalking! A crime that is hard to define and makes very little legal sense. Here in Ohio, our laws against “Menacing by Stalking” can be interpreted broadly: “No person by engaging in a pattern of conduct shall knowingly cause another person to believe that the offender will cause physical harm to the other person or cause mental distress to the other person.”

Taking that to its logical conclusion, the number of people who have committed this crime against me personally is difficult to even quantify. Insurance salesmen? Knowingly cause mental distress. Bankers? They repeatedly tell me to remove my Dodgers cap on their premises or else the guard will throw me out into the street. Geez! Menacing! Dudes who insist on carrying their guns on them at Wendy’s? Hell yes I think you’re going to cause me physical harm, and you know it! People who drive Hummers near me in the grocery store parking lot? YOU MIGHT AS WELL SAY YOU WANT TO DRIVE A MONSTER TRUCK OVER MY FAMILY.

Basically, everyone I interact with is guilty of Menacing by Stalking. So it makes a lot of sense that theropods would be stalkers.

Oh, but now we have scientific proof of dinosaur stalkers. This week, this report hit the news.

In 1940, before scientists understood ideas like “not desecrating 100-million-year-old fossils” and “documenting where you ship 100-million-year-old fossils”, fossil collectors managed to wreck a third of a dinosaur trackway in Texas. But using old photos and 3d modeling technology, scientists were able to digitally reconstruct the trackway for study.

"These old-timey sledge hammers are definitely the best tools for preserving these priceless fossil imprints."

“These old-timey sledge hammers are definitely the best tools for preserving these priceless fossil imprints.”

What they found was evidence of a DINOSAUR CRIME SCENE. Oh, wow, really? Gosh I’m so surprised.

Two dinosaurs are represented in the trackway, some sort of sauropod and a large theropod. As you have probably guessed, the theropod was stalking the sauropod. And while I hesitate to call any dinosaur a ‘victim’, judging by the theropod in question, the sauropod was about to have a very bad day.

Acrocanthosaurus, our suspected theropod perpetrator, definitely has a guilty face. Look at that face. Find me a single judge that wouldn’t convict that face. Acrocanthosaurus was a nasty monster. It had a ridge of spines going down its back that show evidence of dense shoulder muscle. Likely, Acrocanthosaurus got these giant muscles from pumping steel every day in the prison yard.

You can totally tell which dinosaurs were jailbirds by their prison muscles, even if they didn’t opt for the tattoos.

People call me paranoid because I think dinosaurs want to stalk us. I am not paranoid, I am logically interpreting the evidence presented to us. Just like that weirdo who uses a bright yellow H2 as his commuter car and follows you through the grocer parking lot slightly too closely, Acrocanthosaurus and his theropod ilk have a proven pattern of being creepy stalkers. They should all be arrested.

You should subscribe and tweet @dinosaurswtf and buy mugs from my shop or else you are guilty of Menacing by Stalking in the state of Ohio.

Dinosaur Crime Scenes: Silence of the Majungasaurus!

Dinosaurs were committing heinous crimes during the Mesozoic; crimes so terrible that I have to cover them for the next couple of weeks on my vaguely public conservative internet blog. Welcome to the new feature Dinosaur Crime Scenes.

The Crime: Cannibalism

“A Centrosaurus once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.”

In news that I didn’t find surprising at all, there is evidence from a 2007 paper published in Nature that Majungasaurus, an abelisaur sort of similar to Carnotaurus, was a freaking cannibal. Many of the fossils of Majungasaurus were found with Majungasaurus feeding marks on their bones.

It seems that the only disgusting taboo that dinosaurs have not been found guilty of yet is mixing toothpaste with orange juice, and that’s only because dinosaurs never brushed their teeth (insert tiny T. Rex arms joke here).

Majungasaurus was already a nasty predator. Majungasaurus most likely weakened its prey by biting and then holding on with teeth that were designed to clutch instead of slice inward. This prey would have included medium sized sauropods like Rapetosaurus and Rob Ford.

As for the cannibalism? This behavior involved stiff competition for food, according to scientists. But I wager it probably had more to do with typical theropod self-loathing and the inherent evil within the hearts of all dinosaurs (citation needed).
majung
How Heinous Was It?

Despite the fact that no one normal cares, scientists question whether the animals killed each other or were eating already fallen comrades. Some scientists say it is unclear whether the dinosaurs were hunting one another or just scavenging off of each others’ corpses. Contributing artist and Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement supporter William Moore seemed to think this was a question that mattered.

Though he claims to be a vegetarian, William said “If I had no other choice [in a wilderness survival situation]? Of course I would [scavenge off of your corpse]. Why wouldn’t I?”

Movement supporter Timmy H. commented, when asked whether he would scavenge on the corpse of a fallen comrade, “It’s certainly an interesting question.”

I immediately amended my Last Will and Testament to dictate that none of my friends were allowed to eat me if they wanted to remain in my extremist political movement. I thought most people were against cannibalism, but apparently it’s all about context now.

The Donner Party could not be reached for questioning.

 

HEY! D!WTF? has a new twitter account! Go follow @dinosaurswtf on twitter!

We Need to Have a Talk: Pterosaurs are not Dinosaurs.

“We Need to Have a Talk” is a new semi-regular feature in Dinosaurs!WTF? that will address misconceptions about the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness movement and its paleontological / political concerns. Try to enjoy the non-suggestive and rhetorically non-aggressive FAQ format.

Hey editor! Look! A Pterosaur plush toy!

People are constantly pointing out dinosaur related things to me and that makes a lot of sense. People send me links every time there is a national news story about dinosaurs, just like I send coupons for mental wellness centers to my friends who openly admit to liking TapOut. These are logical responses that show we care about one another’s interests.

Through their willingness to share, however, I have uncovered a disturbing trend. Many people are still under the impression that Pterosaurs are dinosaurs. Pterosaurs are not dinosaurs, and it is a bad idea to count them in with dinosaurs.

But aren’t Pterosaurs just as bad as dinosaurs? Shouldn’t the Movement be just as worried about them?   

That there? That’s dangerous thinking, bucko. Practically regressive.

Pterosaurs are flying reptiles. They may be closely related to dinosaurs, but they may also be much more closely related to basal archosauromorphs (which went mostly extinct in the Triassic). Either way, they pose nowhere near the threat of dinosaurs.

But they have nasty teeth and beaks and they can fly. Isn’t that like, half your problem with dinosaurs?

Yes, those are major reasons why I hate dinosaurs. However, an enemy must be near us in order to harm us, no matter how winged and toothy. Pterosaurs, since they are not dinosaurs, are not near enough to us in time or evolution to pose any threat.

Remember, the reason why there needs to be an active anti-dinosaur political movement today is because dinosaurs are very, very nearby. Look out the nearest window. There is probably a close dinosaur relative out there, right now, plotting. A pigeon trying to regrow its killing claws. A crow remembering pack hunting pred-prey dynamics. A chicken doing squat-thrusts. They remember, and they are one genetic foible away from going FULL-THEROPOD on all our asses.

So the issue is that Pterosaurs didn’t evolve like dinosaurs?

Yes, as far as we know. Pterosaurs are just dead. Big difference from dinosaurs. Only in the Jurassic Park model of dinosaur resurrection, which is genetically impossible due to the degradation rate of DNA, could Pterosaurs be resurrected. It just isn’t going to happen.

Also, Pterosaurs were never as intelligent as dinosaurs. They were still operating as reptiles, as far as we can tell. They probably didn’t have complex social behavior, they weren’t likely to be problem solvers. Compare that with your modern crow.

Yeah, now consider what that crow would be doing with those skills if it was big enough to eat a baby. If Perdue’s breeding coordinators thought they could make a buck off of siring a toothier, 5-foot-tall crow, you better believe we’d have some damn problems.

So does that mean believers in the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement are allowed to think that Pterosaurs are cute?

ABSOLUTELY! Look at how cute these extinct flying reptiles could be!

Rhamphorhynchus? AWWW!

You just want to swaddle him.

You just want to swaddle him.

Thanks for reading and remember to subscribe if you like being free from rampaging dinosaurs.

5 Terrifying Raptors that Disprove Creationism

Dromaeosaurs and Deinonychosaurs, the beasts we refer to as “Raptors”, are among the scariest animals to have ever walked the Earth. But did you know that they also disprove Creationism in really scary, murderous ways? Examining the horrible methods of these feathery fiends, a logical person can see graphically violent demonstrations against the fallacious reasoning of Young Earth Creationism. So strap on your adult diapers and prepare to be educated by some of the most heinous serial killers of the Mesozoic.

5. Deinonychus

deinonychusFIN1
Dinosaurs! WTF? has covered Deinonychus before, but we failed to cover one of the Deinonychus’ nastiest hunting behaviors. See, Creationists like to argue that wings held no evolutionary advantage before they were capable of flight. Not only is this assertion wrong, it also fails to appreciate the pure murderous tenacity of nature. Wings, even in a pre-flight stage, are incredibly useful to lithe carnivores like Deinonychus for a nasty behavior called “mantling”.

Mantling is when a raptor (and including the modern raptors) digs its killing claws into a larger prey animal (say a deer or a protoceratops or you) and then rides them into the ground like a mechanical bull at a cheap steakhouse. Proto-wings are incredibly useful for the carnivore’s balance in this practice. Being able to mantle a larger animal protects the attacker from retaliation, and drives the killing claws into the vital organs and blood vessels. Modern birds use this for the same reasons, as well as to keep others from stealing small prey.

Deinonychus, an animal roughly the size of a tiger, likely used its proto-wings in exactly this manner. This gave animals who were not gliders an advantage in developing wings. The origins of flight are murder. Are you surprised? Really?

4. Archeroraptor

AcheroraptorFIN1
Archeroraptor is on this list because it shows just how far adaptability can progress. Archeroraptor displays numerous evolutionary adaptations as well as evidence for cross continental migration. Far from being “designed”, this is an animal that was constantly adapting up until the major extinction event that freed Earth from the Age of Dinosaurs.

To fit into the ecosystem in which it was discovered, Archeroraptor’s ancestors would have had to migrate from Asia (it was discovered in Montana.) This was a feathered, flightless animal with proto-wings that had adapted to serve it in a niche alongside the likes of Tyrannosaurus Rex, Triceratops, and other late cretaceous heavy hitters.

Its prey was likely small mammals, carrion, bugs, and other small dinosaurs. It was specialized in eating our mammalian ancestors, and it was a close relative of Velociraptor. Basically, if evolution wasn’t the origin of this species, there is no reason why it would exist. So Creationists probably think Satan put the fossils in Montana, which honestly is the most believable part of Young Earth Creationism.

3. Dromaeosaurus

Dromaeosauru1sFIN
Dromaeosaurus was a different kind of raptor from the others in the lightweight class, such as Velociraptor and Saurornitholestes. Adaptation requires animals to specialize differently than their close relatives if they are going to live concurrently, kind of like how you can’t be a famous actress because while you are certainly pretty and talented, your sister is prettier and more talented and already has an agent so thank God you are good at math.

Dromaeosaurus was built to hunt with its jaws just as efficiently as its killing claws. Its teeth and jaws were heavier and more suited to dealing killing blows than the other raptors, and its neck was strong and flexible. It had highly developed eyesight and could also hunt by smell.

That’s evolution for you. These Tyrannosaurus-like traits allowed it to fill a different niche than its cousins. Of course, this niche still involved murder. That’s just how raptors roll. You don’t start finding vegetarian philosophy major raptors until you get into the weirdos of the family like maniraptors like Therizinosaurus or Segnosaurus. And frankly, I have my doubts about their intentions.

2. Balaur

Balaur_bondocFIN1
This deadly raptor would have made Darwin very worried about his discoveries on Galapagos. Balaur was a raptor confined to an island. Raptors, being relatively small compared to other dinosaurs, were well suited to become peak predators on islands. Small animals tend to thrive in smaller environments. But how is a knife wielding nut-job raptor supposed to get a “leg up” on the other crumb-bum knife wielding nutters?

Balaur’s evolutionary adaptation was simple. Carry more knives. Double the knives, in fact. Balaur had not one, but two huge retractable buck-knife claws on each foot. During an ancient era where every creature was carrying heat, this beast developed even more heat. It was the banana republic drug lord of the age of dinosaurs. The island couldn’t support a bigger predator, but surely it could find room for more weaponry, right?

Yes. It could. And nature would reward those who carried more weapons with progeny.
Remember, according to Creationism, this was a peaceful herbivore before the flood. Bullshit.

“Oh, what are you doing with all those knives, Balaur?” Noah would have asked.
“Oh gee, Noah, I’m just paring vegetables for everyone. Totally not murdering small prey in droves to feed my absurdly numerous brood of slasher movie villains.”

1. Utahraptor

utahraptorFIN1
In the early Cretaceous, the Allosaurs were becoming much less prominent and the Tyrannosaurs had not yet figured out their business plan. So there was a slight lack of animals trying to eat the later members of the giant Sauropod clique.
Enter Utahraptor.

One of the earliest raptors ever discovered, Utahraptor was built to be a Sauropod killing machine. Unlike its later cousins, Utahraptor was big and powerful, over 19 feet long, with leg bones twice the thickness of Deinonychus. It had longer claws than the other raptors, scaled for comparison, but by far the nastiest advantage it had was its killing claw.

The killing claw on Utahraptor was 14 inches long and curved less inward than the claws of later raptors. This was a long slashing weapon, longer than a bowie knife, longer than a dagger.

Utahraptor was a pack hunter that excelled at bringing down dinosaurs like Sauroposeiden, a larger relative of Brachiosaurus that was 100 feet long.

Of course, Young Earth Creationism wants you to think that this creature lived around the same time as Sophocles. Try to imagine Sophocles trying to write “Oedipus Rex”, and not mentioning that Utahraptors were a serious problem.

OEDIPUS
When the ruling king had fallen in this way,
what bad trouble blocked your path, preventing you
from looking into it?

CREON
It was the fucking Utahraptors—
Are you serious right now? Everywhere we go
to put aside something we found obscure
there are like thirty Utahraptors gouging faces.

YEAH I REALLY BET NO ONE WOULD HAVE MENTIONED UTAHRAPTORS.

That’s it for this week, go ahead and share this article everywhere, check out cool stuff designed by Ryan Martin, this week’s art contributor, on the store page. And subscribe if that is your jam.

Rexolution Plot Foiled by Utah Police: Simple Theft or…?

Last week a theft with obvious ties to the #Rexolution or the Liberal Underground Dinosaur Conspiracy was foiled by police. Police investigating a stolen Jeep were led to a chop shop in Murray, Utah. Jeeps are a favorite of pro-dinosaur conspirators due to their prominent product placement in Jurassic Park. Inside the chop shop, police found a trailer full of stolen life-sized dinosaur robot costumes.

The police were amazed at how brazen the crime was. Who would risk jail time stealing dinosaur suits from a children’s entertainment company? But here at the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Headquarters, we recognized the crime for what it was– the next move of our nemesis, the Liberal Underground Dinosaur Conspiracy.

"birthday fun"

“birthday fun”

So called “pranking groups” have recently begun a trend of punking people in urban areas with these elaborate costumes. The costumes are expensive and the pranksters need more of them. However their basic methods are sound. You’ll notice, if you search for these videos, that as time passes, people are less and less surprised by a full sized dinosaur leaping out of the bushes. This is an example of a phenomenon known as “desensitization”. That’s right. People are becoming desensitized to dinosaur assaults in urban areas through repeated exposure.

“But gosh,” you might be saying as you leisurely flip through a 6 month old People Magazine that you stole from your dentist, “why would this Liberal Underground whatever want to desensitize people to dinosaurs? Aren’t they going to try and keep people scared?”

NO! THEY WANT DINOSAURS ON THE STREET TO SEEM NORMAL. Then you won’t have the common sense to RUN AWAY WHILE RETURNING FIRE when you see a rampaging theropod.

“Jeepers, I don’t know, seems like an overly complex theory,” you might be saying while you casually file your nails, “where are they even going to get the theropods to assault us with?”

They have researchers. Lots of them. Look at this, they are actually TRAINING CHICKENS to walk with a PROSTHETIC DINOSAUR TAIL. And it isn’t as though modern birds need any convincing to become bloodthirsty monsters.

lifted from io9.com

lifted from io9.com

Sometimes I feel like we are losing this war.

To keep up to date with this doomed campaign to save a complacent humanity from the dinosaur menace, please subscribe. If you want to tip me off about dinosaur plots, send me emails or tweet about the #rexolution.

Swag Update: Will Moore Designs

Wow! A new t-shirt design from artist William Moore! This was is based on his terrifying spike obsessed Kentrosaurus. Check it out at the shop.

 

The #Rexolution Rears Its Ugly Head

The Liberal Underground Dinosaur Conspiracy has finally been outed, and it is branding itself as the #rexolution. Last week, this blog reported on the Smithsonian’s dark plot to hush the alarm about dinosaurs by closing the Dinosaur Hall at the natural history museum in Washington DC. Upon contacting Kirk Johnson, the museum director, for commentary on twitter, he openly confirmed that he is a prominent member of the Conspiracy. Just said it. Had a picture and a hashtag and everything. Immediately, there was a disturbing number of shouts of support (3 or so).

BfCZKXaCYAAMl0Q.jpg large

I have a lot of emotions about these developments, as the editor of this blog and a passionate supporter of the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement. On the one hand, I was right and you all should have listened. So that’s pretty cool I guess. On the other hand, this signals the beginning of a terrible bio-terrorist political movement that is openly aggressive to our cause. So that seems bad. There are forces led by people with actual power and probably much better salaries than I get and they are trying to resurrect dinosaurs with the misguided intention of what? Coexisting? Bowing to them as their masters? Studying them scientifically? It doesn’t matter, resurrecting dinosaurs will get us all killed. They have huge claws and spikes and desire only to eat flesh and sunder mammalian civilization. This “#rexolution” may lead to the death of mankind.

Still, I was right.

*sniff*

I’m going to try not to be too smug about it.

Who is Kirk Johnson?

But who is Kirk Johnson? And why is he leading a lunatic fringe movement against humanity?

Johnson took up the role of Director of the Smithsonian’s National Museum for Natural History in 2012. Coming from a museum Vice President role in Denver, a noted pro-dinosaur liberal hotbed, the seeds of extremism had already been pretty obvious in his previous work. Johnson was mostly to blame for the “Prehistoric Journey” exhibit at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science, where D!WTF? traveled last year and found loads of pro-dinosaur propaganda. These salacious images showed dinosaurs looking like cool guys you might want to hang out with, such as this one below.

DSCN3143

How are children supposed to resist the allure of kick-ass looking scars, smoking, and an eyepatch all at once? That’s nearly every cool thing a cartoon character can have. Note how the stegosaurus’s thagomizer has been disguised to look like a bunch of harmless rigging knives instead of the brutal weapon it actually was.

Who knows how Kirk Johnson came up with the brilliant, albeit evil, plan to reduce dinosaur preparedness by “closing to renovate” one of the best dinosaur awareness institutions in our nation’s capitol. It may have been something he thought of using scientific reasoning, or more likely, he may secretly have a sorcerer on retainer as an adviser. You know, a sort of Rasputin figure.

In any case, The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement is keeping an eye on Kirk Johnson. Special thanks to Kirk Johnson for providing a photo of his sick and twisted plot to destroy humanity. Follow him on Twitter.

 

 

Letters to the Editor, January 2014

Editor,
The well-known dinosaur sympathizers of Reddit recently uncovered this: http://www.tacticaldino.com/

Is this the latest dastardly plot to destroy humanity?  What kind of monster would take vicious raptors and arm them with our own weaponry?  Is this a traitor to the human species, or some mad scientist who hasn’t watched enough B-movies to understand how this will inevitably end?  Truly troubling.

-Ferguson

Mr. Ferguson,
Reddit? You mean those weird internet libertarians who are constantly ‘downvoting’ my blog? What useful information could those mouth breathers have uncovered? A new paleo diet? A nostalgic picture of a badly dated video game from six years ago? Maybe an embarrassing photo of a minor whom they have turned into a Meme and T-shirt without consent? Let me just click on the link there…

Oh. A theropod wearing French Special Forces style combat gear. I can see why you were alarmed. Very troubling.

Luckily this looks like an advertisement for a gun-nut accessories website. I can’t fathom why they would be promoting dinosaurs, usually gun-nuts are on our side.

I really hope none of that raptor equipment is not functional. Thanks for the letter.

-Ed.

Hi to all,

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-Melodee Willard

Melodee,

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. It is nice to know that honest, hard working spam bots are on our side.

Sincerely,
Ed.

Keep the letters coming.

New T-Shirt Design

Check out designer Ryan Martin’s newest T-Shirts for men and women. That spiky jerk Edmontia is at it again!

"Check out my sweet new move. Hold still."

“Check out my sweet new move. Hold still.”

Also available as a flask.

Until next time. Subscribe to keep up to date with the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement, if you haven’t already, but I imagine you have.

Emergency Update: #rexolution

It would be in the best interest of you and your loved ones if you kept an eye on twitter #rexolution and @leafdoctor. The previous article seems to have shaken up a hornets’ nest. Except the hornets are Underground Liberal Dinosaur Conspirators (might be a weak metaphor).

More as it develops in this week’s article.

*CONFIRMED* Smithsonian Shuttering the Dinosaur Hall to Thwart the Movement

Updated Jan. 27th.

Last Friday, The Smithsonian Museum of Natural History announced that they would be closing their Dinosaur Hall for at least the next five years. Their reasons?

“Renovations.”

Yeah, right. Seems pretty convenient, doesn’t it? Recent victories of the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement are starting to make us a target. The recent failure of several high profile fossils to sell at auction shows that anti-dinosaur sentiments are starting to sink in with the public. Just as the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement is starting to gain real political momentum, and right as the campaigns for the 2016 elections are about to get started, they close down the only Dinosaur Hall in Washington, DC (unless you count Congress and the Senate). I smell a plot, and it smells like theropoda.

The best way to end a political movement is to diminish awareness of it. This closing is an attempt by the powers in Washington to atrophy and destroy the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement, friends. This whole “five-plus-year project” isn’t just timed to suppress dinosaur awareness through the next major election. No, I wager it is a not-so-subtle mockery of the Movement, timed to coincide with the twenty year anniversary of the release of “Forgot About Dre”.

Touché, Liberal Underground Theropod Conspiracy. Dated hip-hop reference insults sting the most. Touché.

This impending doom for dinosaur education in our nation’s capitol has Americans alarmed.

“The liberal agenda tries to brainwash us into giving up our guns and now that same agenda is trying hide information about the dinosaur menace from the general public!” says wide-eyed realist Michael T., “The pro-dinosaur liberals are planning something serious.”

“We might as well just start building statues to our dinosaur overlords right now,” says Joey S., who took the news with cynical apathy.

The Smithsonian publicly seems remorseful, but say that the plan will be followed through.

“Those five years are going to fly by,” said director Kirk Johnson to the Washington Post, failing to convince anyone. It seems as though Kirk Johnson may be a pawn of the Theropod Conspiracy. Or worse.

(not even his final form)

(click for fact filled animation)

My tweets to him for a comment have revealed a disturbing truth:

 

What the hell is going on in Washington, DC?

This news, of course, comes in the wake of interruptions in the study of recent Tyrannosaur specimens cause by the US Government shutdown of 2013. The Dinosaur Hall will be briefly replaced by an observation window where guests will be able to see scientists studying the new specimen. Seems like a long way to go to prove that the research is finally being carried out, Government.

More on this story as it develops. Subscribe to keep up to date on the movement, and make sure to wear our sexy new T-shirt to the protest rallies.

The 5 Truthiest Dinosaur Movies

 

In today’s guest post, anti-dinosaur activist Marten Dollinger explores some severely underrated dinosaur films. -Ed.

Since 1914, Dinosaurs have been a staple of American Cinema. Unfortunately, as is often the case in film, their portrayal is usually dangerously inaccurate. Indeed, even McCay’s inaugural Gertie marks the uninformed masses’ obsession with KEEPING A DINOSAUR AS A PET, of all things, as the vaudevillian charlatan and his animated mockery of an ancient beast perform tricks. But these were less enlightened times, you say. Surely, Hollywood has learned that such a dangerous subject is not to be taken lightly? If only it were so, dear reader, if only it were so.

However, mirroring the growing momentum of the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness movement, some film-makers have moved to present the looming menace of a Dinopocalypse in a more realistic light. These films, while not necessarily accurate from a scientific standpoint, are all quite true in spirit. The filmmakers understood their subjects with a high standard of truthulence, knowing that dinosaurs were evil fiends and portraying them as such.

The following are the truthiest portrayals of the terrible lizards in fiction to date, and the lessons to take away from each.

5. The Dinosaur Project – If Dinosaurs are still around, they’re probably even more terrifying than we know.

Pictured: Bad directions.

Pictured: Bad directions.

After repeated Loch Ness-style sightings of decidedly prehistoric creatures in Africa, wildlife documentarian Jonathan Marchant gears up for an expedition deep in the Congo jungle. His son, because he is a foolish boy who wants to be friends with dinosaurs, stows away in their chopper. Once in enemy territory, the helicopter is promptly taken down by a flock of pterosaur descendents (that have evolved for the express purpose of taking down helicopters). Despite losing a team member every five minutes or so and having his freakin’ son around in a nightmarish lost world, Marchant decides to press on.

When they come across a small pack of something resembling a dilophosaurus, Marchant’s son befriends it by giving it candy, as though a flesh eating beast can be placated with a handful of skittles. It shows his friendship by spitting on him. Later, it is revealed that spitting on him signals to the bigger dinosaurs that he is off the menu, when the bad guy member of the team who was plotting all along to kill everyone else off and steal the glory is eaten instead. Obviously, the not-a-dilophosaurus is just saving the kid for later. Other important moments include when the main camera operator nervously asks if the plesiosaurus currently watching them is “one of the nasty ones,” and learns the hard way that they are ALL the nasty ones, and the brave acts of the sound guy, whose boom-wielding heroics give him a martyr’s death in a battle with more pterosaurs.

The found-footage style of film-making is, as kids say these days, “2000-late,” as is the idea of domesticating a dinosaur, which is why The Dinosaur Project is at the bottom of this list. Despite being guilty of the cardinal sin of dinosaur friendship, most every other interaction the characters have with dinosaurs hits close to home. Clearly, the only explanation for Sid Bennet to write a film where a kid makes friends with a dinosaur is to sugar-coat the rest of the horrors in his message.

4. Jurassic Park 3 – We have met the enemy and he has scales.

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I know what you’re thinking, it’s “how is Jurassic Park so low on the list?” and “obviously, the other two are further up somewhere.” Both of those thoughts are misguided. The only reason this made the list at all is because of the film’s lack of a human antagonist. One of the most glaring issues that even the truthiest films are guilty of is the need for a bad guy who is not a dinosaur. This is likely to drive home a cliche about how “we are the real monsters.” No, Hollywood, we’re not. Dinosaurs are the real monsters. You can tell by all the teeth and claws and spikes.

Of those real monsters, the crowd favorite has always been the velociraptor. I am not sure where this morbid fascination comes from, but at least we can raise awareness. Before moving on, I feel inclined to remind you that the proper way to protect yourself and your loved ones from velociraptor invasion can be found here. Raptors are cunning and vile creatures, and the only misrepresentation in this film is the idea that they can be bargained with when the fool-hardy Billy returns the egg to the pack, rather than smashing it to prevent another loathsome monster from entering this world.

Life will find a way, alright. A way to tear us to bits.

3. One Million Years B.C. – Made up history can repeat itself.

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If only it were so easy to live in a world shared with dinosaurs. The world of One Million Years B.C. was not our past, but it could be our future if we are not careful. With dinosaurs running amok, we will be naught but lost cavemen, concerned only with our continued existence. If I didn’t know better, I would think that someday the dinosaurs would watch this film in the same way we watch documentaries about species we wiped out, but dinosaurs lack both compassion and remorse.

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In One Million Years B.C., dinosaurs aren’t so much a set of characters to be reckoned with as a part of the setting. I would compare the dinosaurs in this to the machines of the Matrix series, except the machines could be beaten. Hammer Film’s past is our future if the weekly warnings of this publication are not heeded. We’ll be fit only to hide in caves and quabble over scraps of meat and who has the pointiest spear, while our women traipse around wearing their hair in cave-bumps, and our children grow out little cave mullets.

2. The Valley of Gwangi – Dinosaurs are enemy combatants, not entertainment.

If One Million B.C. showed us where we risk going, The Valley of Gwangi reminds us of what we risk losing. Live entertainment, spunky entrepreneurship, spoken language, all endangered by dinosaurs. Finding a valley of living prehistoric beings isn’t the greatest scientific discovery of the age, it’s a sign of the end times.

 

After a costly battle with dinosaurs in a hidden valley, a head of a rodeo predictably wants to take the incapacitated allosaurus, the fearsome Gwangi, back to make him into an attraction. You can see where this is going, and so can most of the other animals in the show. Just before Gwangi escapes, the elephant knows what’s coming. Before chowing down on the hundreds of snacks on legs, Gwangi munches on the elephant act. An allosaurus would love to take down an elephant. Elephants have way fewer spikes than most of the allosaur’s contemporaries.

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The cowboys of The Valley of Gwangi have the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement’s sense of urgency and share our policy regarding dinosaurs: shoot first, ask questions at the autopsy. Seeking shelter, setting traps, and eliminating dinosaurs with extreme prejudice are what makes this film a hallmark of of Dinosaur Readiness. The heroics displayed in their fight against a despotic allosaurus are inspiring, but I am nonetheless thankful that when the dinosaurs do come, we’ll be ready with full-automatic weapons and explosives rather than lassos.

1. Carnosaur – We’re probably playing right into the dinosaur mastermind’s claws.

The genius that was Carnosaur was overshadowed by the hype surrounding Jurassic Park in much the same way that the Tim Rice’s musical masterpiece Chess was ignored in favor of his former partner’s release of Cats. Truly, the consequences of these parallel tragedies will continue to be felt by generations to come. Forget drilling for mosquitos and throwing in frog DNA; reverse-engineering dinosaurs by messing with chicken genes is something scientists can actually do.

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Carnosaur follows the machinations of an evil scientist who does just that. Earlier, I mention how a common failing in dinosaur movies is needing a human bad guy, but given the plausibility of the method, it must be forgiven in this instance. Once the chicken puzzle is solved, the same method is applied to humans. That’s right, women giving birth to prehistoric abominations. I would not put it past the dinosaurs to resort to reproducing via chest-bursting parasites. Rather than the cliche I’ve mentioned before, the human vs human conflict is indicative of society’s failure to see who the real enemy is, despite that enemy being flesh-eating monsters.The world of Carnosaur is a dinosaur’s wet dream, and one that is all too likely to come true. vlcsnap-2014-01-16-22h16m59s214

SPOILER! The end of Carnosaur shows us the cure for the dinovirus right in sight, burning along with our heros. Don’t shoot the heroes and burn the bodies, that’s what the dinosaurs want you to do, don’t let this film be a spoiler for how the dinopocalypse goes down, and for the love of God, don’t stand righteously over a velociraptor to deliver the final blow, because you’ll get a claw through your back. Blow that sucker to bits from a safe distance.  Also, it probably wouldn’t hurt to invest in some industrial vehicles.

Marten Dollinger is an active supporter of the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement. He also reviews pop culture for The Analytical Couch Potato.