In this article, Persius Q. Lumbar, expert mixed species martial arts instructor, has provided helpful commentary on how to fight a raptor in hand-to-claw close quarters combat. Dinosaurs!WTF? would like to extend humble thanks for his input.
Mr. Lumbar is an experienced animal combatant, known in the animal fighting world for victories against bulls, shrews, and the ravenous wild turkey. The following conversation has been transcribed, edited, and illustrated.
How to Fight a Raptor
Lumbar: Firstly, it should be understood that fighting a dinosaur in close quarters is absolutely not recommended. Raptors, in particular, were amazingly competent warriors… probably.
Ed: Well, we are looking at a worst case scenario here. If the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness movement should fail in its mission to keep the various political powers that be from resurrecting dinosaurs-
Lumbar: Yes, yes, things would be pretty grim, then. Bad news bears. I fight bears. Anyway, the first thing you want to do to prepare is lift a bunch of kettle bells whilst growing a manly goatee.
Lumbar: Obviously. Lets review the basic threats and techniques.
Threat 1. Man Against a Leaping Assault by Deinonychus
Lumbar: Do not, under any circumstance, allow a Deinonychus to gain the high ground. In all likelihood, however, it already has by the time you realize you will need to fight a Deinonychus. Your first instinct might be to punch the incoming raptor in its soft underbelly. Raptors, however do not have soft underbellies like men do. This is actually a serious evolutionary flaw in mammals. Raptor ribcages extend over the belly, by punching the belly, you would find yourself with a broken hand seconds before you are torn limb from limb like a soft pretzel.
Ed: Well that isn’t very helpful.
Technique 1. The Handstand Donkey Berates the Farmer
Lumbar: This ancient Tai Chi technique, wherein the warrior kicks out his back legs visciously-
Ed: Like a donkey?
Lumbar: Like a handstand donkey. This technique will allow a warrior to utilize his superior reach and handstand strength against the lightly built carnosaur. Should the technique be used correctly, whist the raptor is in mid-flight, it will be knocked away with great force.
Lumbar: Everything that saves your life is interesting. Thus I recommend your readers try to do twenty or so handstand push-ups daily, to maximize the effect of this technique.
Threat 2. Man’s Head Within the Jaws of Deinonychus
Lumbar: Do not allow a raptor to put your head in its mouth.
Lumbar: Carnosaurs, with a few exceptions, had very impressive force behind their bite. A raptor could crush your head like a Honda crushes my son’s favorite model aeroplane.
Ed: Just… just like that?
Lumbar: Exactly like that.
Technique 2. The Monkey Plucks the Banana
Ed: Oh god.
Lumbar: This technique, from the Tai Chi Master Jared Fitzpatrick, requires precise timing and a willingness to be puked on by a raptor. The warrior, seeing that the raptor has left its tongue and epiglottis exposed by is attempt to fit a human head in its mouth, grasps the tongue and punches back into the raptor’s throat.
Ed: Wouldn’t the raptor just bite off your arm?
Lumbar: No, it will be too busy puking.
Threat 3. The Deinonychus Lashes Out with a Deadly Kick
Lumbar: Now you have the advantage. The raptor sees you as a threat! Your intimidating posture! Your rippling bisceps! Perhaps it sees its own death in the pattern of your facial hair.
Lumbar: It lashes out at you with its killing claw, trying to count the folds of your intestines with its meat hook feet!
Lumbar: You relax!
Technique 3. The Orangutan Wrenches the Branch in Twain
Ed: What’s with you and apes?
Lumbar: In this technique, the warrior utilizes the light build of his birdlike opponent and his superior upper body flexibility to turn the raptor’s deadly kick into an incredibly painful hyperextension of the inner thighs. Grabbing the raptor’s out-thrust leg and wrenching it into the air, the warrior then pulls apart the raptor’s legs in a way God never intended.
Ed: I don’t think God intended any of this.
Threat 4. The Joust
Lumbar: A Deinonychus may try a charging head butt, hoping to scare you into freezing or to knock you off balance. Once the raptor knocks you down, it’s curtains for you. Raptors are incredible ground fighters, with blazing fast rabbit kicks and twisting, serpentine bites!
Ed: So how do you stop an animal as fast as a horse from head butting
Technique 4. The Ram Rebukes the Stepchild
Ed: That’s terrible.
Lumbar: The warrior must remember that he has the weight advantage. When the raptor charges with a headbutt, you dive and meet it with your own! Your skull is just as thick as a raptor’s, if not moreso! Leap forward and drive your forehead into its snout.
Ed: A spear? Like the illegal football tackle?
Ed: That’s illegal because it causes severe neck injuries. It hurts everyone involved, even whering scientifically advanced helmets and padding.
Lumbar: You know what else causes severe neck injuries? Raptors.
Threat 5. Never Gloat Over a Fallen Raptor Corpse
Lumbar: A dead raptor is probably faking. Just like the vicious kitten, a raptor is just as deadly lying down as it is standing up. A fallen raptor will try to lure you into making the mistake flexing victoriously or posing for photos. That’s where the expression ‘playing raptor’ comes from.
Ed: I have never heard that expression. And I run this website.
Lumbar: You have to make sure that the raptor is dead.
Ed: Well, good interview, thanks for-
Technique 5. The Capuchin Bludgeons the Sleeping Clown
Ed: Another violent monkey.
Lumbar: This technique, invented by Capoeira Mestre Bimba and honed by me, is the only way to be sure that a fallen raptor is actually dead. Granted, you have beaten a raptor soundly if you have utilized even two of the four previous techniques, but raptors are resilient.
Ed: Uh huh.
Lumbar: You’ll need a baseball bat. I prefer one made out of aluminum.
Ed: Uh huh.
Lumbar: Then you beat the raptor with the baseball bat until you can barely tell what it used to be.
Ed: What is your problem?
Lumbar: You know? I am starting to doubt your devotion to this cause.
Ed: Sometimes people like you make me wonder.
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