Is the home or workplace that you occupy up to date with the latest in Raptor security? Would you like to continue living and working there, while also remaining alive? Winter is the perfect season for home improvements, so let’s take a few minutes to review a few easy ways you can save yourself and your family and your coworkers and your dog from a terrifying evisceration at the hands of Dromaeosauridae.
This topic is so dated that I’m going to subtitle it “Chains We Can Believe In”. Anyway, this article had to happen, because there is not at present a good guide for Raptor-Proofing one’s home aside from the XKCD comic showing a totally unsecured bungalow. I should know because I checked. A LOT.
Nobody reads until after the first number, I’ll just get going.
5. COVER EVERY POSSIBLE PERCH IN RAZOR WIRE
This is the obvious first step. Science isn’t sure if all the big raptors like Deinonychus and Utahraptor spent much time in trees, but the smaller ones definitely did. And the big ones could at least jump. So what you need is to make your home or workplace an area denial weapon. Raptors will have a harder time pouncing on and rending your coworkers and loved ones if they are tangled in razor wire.
While you’re at it, invest your savings into companies that produce razor wire. Why can’t one hand wash the other? If you are invested in razor wire stock, you will have more money for razor wire. Plus, you can push the razor wire lobbying companies to push less for new prisons and youth detention centers and more for the Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement’s congressional bill “Raptor-Proof our Future: A Comprehensive Plan to Cover All Schools and Places of Business with Razor Wire”.
The problem with razor wire is that it isn’t particularly lethal, and the more hateful breeds of Dromaeosauridae will probably just become angrier and more determined to destroy you. So with that in mind…
4. YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH PIKES
You just can’t top a wall of pikes. Literally. Anything you put up there will be impaled. Start by lining all of the borders of your home or workplace with thirteen foot long oaken spears. Make sure they are posted at about a 60 degree angle outward. This is the optimum angle for raptor impalement. When the raptors try to leap over your razor wire, they will be impaled on the pikes. When the raptors rally to attack the wall of pikes, well won’t you be glad you invested in enough razor wire to have a second lair of fortification?
If your building codes allow it, try digging pits and putting pikes at the bottom of them. A couple of good, fifteen foot pits with a couple of pikes at the bottom will be a delightful surprise for any raptor that manages to get past the second lair of razor wire.
Now that your yard or corporate park is fortified, it’s time to think about the interior.
3. START DIGGING
Remember that indoor pool you always dreamed of as a child? Well, your own concrete emergency cellar will be kind of like that, except instead of water it will be filled with the bare essentials for human life.
A physically fit individual can expect to complete the digging of an underground bunker in about a year, given a ten hour work day. If you have a friend or employee, you can cut that time down significantly. If you start digging now, you’ll be that much closer to an anti-raptor fortress within the foundation of your own home!
Once you have dug out your bunker, you will need to line it with concrete. This can be accomplished with molds or cinderblocks. You might be tempted to hire a concrete contractor to fill it in for you, but that would be foolish. What if the Dinosaur Apocalypse happens and you were one of the few to prepare? Then every contractor who you let bid on your bunker will be coming around, begging for salvation. No thank you! And there’s always a worse option: What if the contractor is actually a Deinonychus? So trust nothing and no one except for yourself and your lucky razor wire spool pile. Save a few cubic meters of bunker space for board games and chalk. Who knows how long you’ll be down there?
2. SET FIRES
The answer to that, friends, is fire. Raptors naturally do not like being on fire, because their feathery war crests tend to smolder. Once you have a concrete subterranean fortress, pile up your furniture and non-essential belongings outdoors. When the Dinosaur Apocalypse happens, or you suspect it might, set these piles on fire and lock yourself in your bunker for about six years. These pyres will serve as a warning for all who try to molest your compound.
That warning says, “Go back! Go back! Only spikes and blades and fire dwell here! Flee or be doomed, yon raptor fiends!”
1. HAVE FUN!
The most important part of any hyper conservative survivalist plan is to have fun doing it. What’s the point of surviving the Dinosaur Apocalypse if you’re mopey? Try these ideas:
-Gently poke fun at people who will likely be eaten by Deinonychus because they are not prepared.
-Whistle while you hone your spear tips. I like to whistle Tracy Chapman songs.
-Draw and imprint fun things into your concrete fortifications while they dry. How tall was Timmy when the wall was built? Look how cute Kitty’s paw print is!
-Use books advocating Creationism as fuel for your doom-pyres. Creationist lies burn all kinds of fun colors, and their smoke is as black as their hearts. They can’t spread their deceitful ignorance if their ideas are all burned!
-Name the raptors that you see trying to break through your defenses and make up fun stories about their social lives. Blood Tooth loves Missy Murder Pants, but Missy Murder Pants loves One Eyed Devil Fang. Slashy Pete is too weak willed to be pack leader, don’t you think?
Anyway, I’m sure you will all have your own ideas for raptor-proofing your lives, but I hope these helped. Subscribe if you want, and if you have your own raptor-proofing tips, share them with me on twitter with the hashtag #raptorproof. Thanks to Ryan Martin for the art and input on this article (and the site in general).