More to come.
Nothing I have read covering Jurassic World seems to really grasp what went wrong in the new theme park. Every reviewer seems to be heckling Owen and Claire (yeah, Chris Pratt and Bryce Howard had character names in JW… I had to look them up) for being old timey caricatures who belong in 1940’s B-flicks. I get that, but to what extent did they actually contribute to the Jurassic World meltdown itself? In fact, how much did Masrani (Irrfan Khan) and Hoskins (Wiliam Fisk) really contribute?
The thing is, this incompetent gaggle of crudely drawn idiots didn’t directly cause Jurassic World to fail. It is a much more insidious evil construct that we must ultimately accuse.
That’s right, as usual, inappropriate workplace relationships are to blame- the out-out-damned-spot of the corporate world.
1. Learn how to DELEGATE
Oh man, nobody in this movie properly delegates. You can’t delegate your family time to British Fran Drescher. I get that we needed more lame characters to be eaten by dinosaurs for the freaks who love watching dinosaurs and nazis and aliens win stuff in movies, but don’t send the kids off with them. This was a major bullet point of the first movie. Everybody knows that in these movies, if you end up with the kids and you are some sort of unpopular stereotype, you are dino-chow. So send the kids with somebody else, Bryce! The nice guard from Orange is the New Black was right there in the office, and you went with Super-Nanny?
You must delegate your helocoptering to a PILOT if you are CEO of a violent monster ranch, because if you crash and Wilson Fisk takes over everything is fucked. Ugh. If you have a monster ranch and you know that you are in business dealings with the Kingpin, wouldn’t you realize that you must A) stay alive and B) name several successors? Successors who don’t fight Daredevil? And then you go out and fly a whirly bird over the place where you keep your lizard bats? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING IRRFAN?!?!?!
You can’t delegate ironically warning about things to Jimmy Fallon instead of Jeff Goldblum. Jimmy Fallon’s entire job on this planet is to introduce old people to The Roots so that they will be less afraid of black people. He isn’t there to warn about things, he is there to make instrument driven hip-hop acceptable to people who like Ronald Reagan (as an actor). Jeff Goldblum, on the other hand, is able to explain ethically terrifying science while seducing you. He also make goofy guttural noises. Plus, unlike Jimmy Fallon, HE DOESN’T CONSTANTLY LOOK INTO THE CAMERA.
2. Palling around with Dinosaurs
In general, you are taking a risk if you hang out with your co-workers beyond the occasional company social outing. There are some exceptions, of course. Some jobs are really only survivable if workers are conditioned together like the human resources equivalent of The Golden Band. Usually, though, you don’t want to be besties with the people who are competing with you for promotions and sales (unless you view yourself as an office Judas type).
In Jurassic World, there was no respect for that divide whatsoever. I’m not just talking about the red-pill nonsense of Chris Pratt and Bryce Howard’s exchange at Chris’s… fishing hut or whatever that place he lived was supposed to be. I’m talking about Chris Pratt and his raptor buddies. He’s the alpha? How did they know how to run in exact time and formation with his goofy dirtbike?
You know they went cruising together. You know he took those lizards out to the freaking tiki bar at least once. You can tell because there is a very specific kind of friendship that bros who go to tiki bars on motorcycles develop.
A bro will have your back, but only if it has been a really rough night and he knows he has to either stick up for you briefly or else everybody dies. That’s tiki bar motorcycle bro commitment right there. But you know how a huge dangerous drunken moron can convince a bunch of bros to do something really stupid if they are already pumped up? Say, pumped from motorcycle show boating? This is exactly what happened in the movie. And it got half of everybody killed by Indomitus Rex, who is the dinosaur equivalent of modern day Screech at a bar, in that I am pretty sure he isn’t real and he will literally knife you.
3. Treating Tyrannosaurus like your neglected best friend from high school
We have learned many lessons about T. rex from these movies. T. rex doesn’t want to be fed, it wants to hunt. Don’t try to steal baby T. rex or else mommy T. rex and easily enraged redneck daddy T. rex will come and kill you in your trailer home. The T. rex you can attract with children and pee are not the prime specimen of T. rex and will likely be killed by buff, more conservative apex predators if imprisoned together.
T. rex in these films are a metaphor for people who go too hard in early adulthood. Bryce Howard’s character is a cringe inducing stereotype of a career woman, who stereotypically shed a lot of friends like this in order to pursue her MBA in… Dinosaur Management and Jungle Fashion. Apparently. (It really isn’t a good script.)
So throughout Jurassic World, she’s trying to coddle T. rex, putting them in controlled environments to meet the kids at a safe distance because she KNOWS what happens when you let them babysit (we’re in the car again). That’s a bullshit way to treat your old friends at work, even if they aren’t highly successful professionally because they are gigantic flesh eating monsters (blame the emergence of Seagrams Escapes for that).
Oh, but who still has your back when that nut job stalker won’t leave you and your family alone?
Bryce didn’t even have to say please or remember T. rex’s birthday.
4. Hiring therapods to do critical jobs
Don’t hire employees that actively try to kill and eat you. GOD WHY DID I JUST HAVE TO TYPE THAT?
How many times in this movie do the cartoon raptors try to kill a person before the motorcycle scene? Like, 4 times? How many times did you try to commit homicide in front of your future employer?
The attempted murders don’t convince Wilson Fisk that raptors are bad job candidates, though. Oh no, he wants them to be weapons. Indominus rex might even have been bred for the purpose of weapons testing. Wilson Fisk is a nutter in this movie.
Why on Earth would you think you have to breed dinosaurs into scarier, scalier, more dangerous monsters in order to make them effective killers? If anything, Wilson Fisk and BD Wong should have toned them down a little in case the FLESH EATING MONSTERS they are trying to turn into GERMAN SHEPHERDS decide to commit more homicides. Besides, nature already made scarier raptors than Velociraptor with simple trial and error evolution, just like everything else. They turned out way scarier. Remember Balaur? Why don’t these movies have Balaur?
Anyway, that’s not the point, don’t hire things that want to kill and eat you to be your employees. That goes for T. rex, velociraptors, and millennials.
Edit: Make sure you check out his other work on youtube, Guzzy Bear is one of the great philosophers of our time.
Guzzy Bear’s channel
This week, Ryan Martin, long time contributor and Conservative Dinosaur Readiness fashion designer, reviews Jurassic World.
Jurassic World was so fly.
Oh hey, I couldn’t help but notice your disgusted look when I used the term “fly.” I used it because, just like “fly,” Jurassic World is both firmly rooted in its 1990’s predecessor, Jurassic Park, and a vulgar homage to the time period it’s from.
You see, Jurassic World‘s biggest strength is that, unlike the quirky but dumb action movie that The Lost World was and the “SyFy Original” garbage dump that was Jurassic Park 3, it brings back many of the themes and tropes that were so beloved about the original Jurassic Park. Here we get another theme park full of dinosaurs… but supercharged! The park is open and it’s full of walking talking dino-chow carryout. Dad is massaging his forehead as little Suzy asks to ride the mini-triceratops one more time; the TV’s are sponsored by Samsung; the silver car is sponsored by Mercedes.
Here we get back the debate between scientific responsibility and fiscal masturbation… but SUPERcharged! No longer do the scientists and park employees sit back and LOL as their genetically modified monsters push the boundaries of what we’re comfortable accepting. Now they cry and spit and get angry as the dollar-signs-that-be finally realize what incredible assholes they’ve become because OF COURSE creating “Predator: The Dinosaur” was a bad fucking idea.
Here in Jurassic World, we pay homage to the cast of experts, naive children and business tycoons Jurassic Park had made into household names… but SUPERCHAAAAARGED IT! Yeah, Ellie and Tim were cute, smart and terrified and all, but now we’ve got… erm… Justin Efron and Squirrel Girl: the older brother who I guess tweens are supposed to relate to due to his disdain for fun and completely ineffectual yet voracious pursuit of girls and the younger brother, who is both profoundly academic and emotionally crippled by his upbringing in the upper-middle class lifestyle. You ever wanted to see John Hammond fly the helicopter himself? The newest mogul of Jurassic World will! Unfortunately this is the only character trait he has, since he spends the rest of the movie being John Hammond, except somehow possibly less apologetic for the irresponsible amounts of money and tourists he throws at monsters.
The elemental escalation of its predecessor worked in a lot of ways to make Jurassic World very enjoyable. The material it had to work with from Jurassic Park is almost unarguably stellar. Jurassic Park was the perfect movie, and to take the things that made it awesome and send it to the battlefield packing heat was a good move. As one might expect you, Jurassic World loses a bit of the quiet subtlety that Jurassic Park had. You’re not going to have a quiet but passionate philosophical debate over Chilean sea bass in Jurassic World. The most you’re going to get is Chris Pratt explaining to his continuously disrespected co-worker played by Bryce Dallas Howard about how the dinosaurs are living creatures before showing off his impression of an actor in a 1950’s workplace sexual harassment video. You’re not going to watch Ian Malcolm angrily tell Dr. Hammond how ethically wrong his park his, you’re going to watch “Predator: The Dinosaur” tear through squishy humans until Chris Pratt summons the power of positive training (which are AMAZING scenes by the way and by far my favorite parts of the movie) to rally his dino companions to save the day.
And that’s ok. Jurassic World is an awesome monster movie. The cinematography is gorgeous, the pacing was solid, the action and effects were great and although it definitely isn’t a character driven story (or at the very least, a good one) a lot of the lines were very good and funny. The actors were really into their roles. If you’re looking for good action spliced together with the poignant subtleties Jurassic Park had to offer, Jurassic World might be a little disappointing to you, but out of the three sequels to Jurassic Park that exist, Jurassic World pays the most honor by far to the original and is phenomenally fun movie to watch.
I give it 7 mud caked stiletto heels out of 10.
It came to my attention through twitter the other day that an “author” for MTV News had partially lifted and severely dumbed down some content from this blog for one of those cringey GIF listicles. I’m not going to link it, because fuck their traffic, but if you follow my twitter you can find it pretty easily. The content was a couple of jokes from my archive, in particular a few about how dinosaurs don’t have feelings. The writer took out my highbrow punchlines and rephrased them (added a cat). I wouldn’t quite call it a cut and paste case of plagiarism, but it definitely qualifies as a Mencia.
This is what happens.
This hurt my feelings. How hard is it to link to my political extremism blog?
So I made a comic about it… a REVENGE comic. It is called “The Nihilist MTV Flintstones.” It is about how the Nihilists who write for MTV are unfeeling, dead-inside cavemen. Pretending not to care about anything in order to be cool in the 90’s has led the Nihilist MTV Flintstones to lose their humanity. Oh well.
Hey wow that was so uplifting SUBSCRIBE
This post was scheduled to come out after the big Chickensaurus post that I am working on, but that one isn’t done yet, so here’s reader mail for the first quarter of 2015. At least they are good letters! Be patient with me.
Just thought I’d send a “PROPS!” to you on the website. I’ve enjoyed the blogs thus far and will be looking forward to some more time to read in the future.Toodles~Tricia
Hi,I am writing to enquire about the possibility of advertising on your site.
I found your site http://www.dinosaurswtf.com/ and interested in paid post. Let me know if you are interested then I will give you more details.I can offer you best to make it worth your time.
With best regards,
Hi ‘sharon’,The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement is not interested in hawking ads for anything less than five figures. We are an extremist political movement, not buzzfeed. You want ads, you can get serious.Also, I suspect you of being a dinosaur sympathizer.Thanks,Editor
Hi,I just want to publish my affiliate page on your site so that we will get some revenue and you will get your commission. You can earn 10% of the sale just by referring people! That is over $50 per Course!We pay you commission on every sale that comes from your affiliate links. (this does NOT include the ‘custom services’, so no commissions will be paid on consulting services)
You can not receive commissions on your own orders through your own affiliate link. This is a great way for YOU to make money sharing the benefits of healthy living with others! Right now we will give you US$250 for this participation and to upload the page.
This is our site for affiliation:[deleted]
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Sharon,Are you a robot? Did you even read my email?I’m not interested in $50, or $250.Five figures. That is the starting price.
Hi,I have sent to you a paid ads request few days ago, you did not reply back yet, please let me know if you are interested then I will send you more details.Regards
Five figure offers only, Sharon.
hi editor, my name is dav or dogmoon, ur friend brenna from miami is my friend & she told me about ur rad website, i rly like the humor & critique. u inspired me to think critically about how our culture utilizes the body of the dinosaur to disseminate ideology thru pop representation of the dinosaur. ive written two pieces so far that i wanted to share with u, let me know what u think.thanks
-dav or dogmoon
Love your website. Its very informative. As a new member of the conservative dinosaur readiness movement i originaly thought dinosaurs were coo! Not any longer. My eyes are open to the threat dinosaurs pose. My question is what is the movement’s stance on eating dinosaurs. Do you think its ok? After all if we eat dinosaurs in the dinosaur apocalypses the number of the scaley (or feathery) fiends will discrease right? If so do you think dinosaurs taste like chicken or turkey or cow?Sincerly,Interested
Conservative Dinosaur Readiness is a complex, multifaceted collection of beliefs and totally realistic, temperate fears. Our movement is also severely underrepresented in mainstream politics. So how does one vote in the present political landscape in order to best assert (what I am now calling) DinoCon values?
I was recently confronted with the abysmal farce of a movement known as ‘PaleoConservativism.’ I recognized that, in addition to our under-representation, we also have to deal with confusion between our movements. PaleoCons would suggest that they are the Classic Coke of conservatism. But it shares more with that syrupy abomination, New Coke. Founded in the 80’s, with saccharine ideals like ‘civil society’ (read: 7th Heaven family values) and Old Right Pat Buchanan comb-over philosophies, it too should be wary of its associations with Bill Cosby. PaleoCons are about as Paleo as the diet, they are fake, based more on The Flintstones than sound observational thinking about the past. In plainer English, fuck them, I wanted to nickname our movement “PaleoCons” but they took the name and fucked it all up. *hrumph*
So now, we are the DinoCons. We are the grassroots cultural resistance force seeking to prevent the seemingly imminent dinosaur resurrection event through concise political rhetoric and clear thinking. We know that in order to survive, humanity must shore up the dam against the dinosaur tides while preparing for their eventual collapse.
How do you prepare for an enemy that hides in prehistory? How do you predict the ways it will seek to emerge? You have to understand science. The feralization of selectively bred poultry? The re-evolution of Tyrannosaur phenotypes? Our questions and hunches don’t just need to be asked, they need to be the top priority for our leaders. That’s why DinoCons take the stance that science is good. Therefore, the enemies of science are bad. Let it be known that no politician will ever receive the backing of The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement without a Bachelor’s in Science from an accredited university. Want our votes? Go get the degree. By the time you’re done, maybe you’ll also learn a thing or two about student debt.
Dinosaurs come from a time in our Earth’s (yes, OUR EARTH) history when survival was about how many butcher knives you could grow out of your body and how quickly you could insert them into the bodies of other living things. Much like a child raised by religious TapouT enthusiasts, they became violent zealots, drunk on death. Dinosaurs were produced by an environment whose major exports were lava and dunkleosteus. They were the savage tyrants of this world for hundreds of millions of years, and you better believe they would do it all again if they could. Only by a concentrated global political effort will humanity prevent that. We vote for candidates who take strong stances against dinosaur resurrection.
What does that all mean?
That means strict control of the poultry industry, focusing on the elimination of capitalist factory farming. We need to have access to poultry, because it is important to the human diet, but we need to stop being brutal about it (STOP GIVING CHICKENS A REASON TO KILL US) and we need to stop maximizing monetary profit over the security of our food source.
That means better funding of scientific research and public science education. Where will the money come from? Literally anything else, but particularly administrator savings and the wealthy. Politicians, government bureaucrats, and corporate officers should be separated from their savings, and that savings should go to science. Why? Because if that money isn’t in the economy, it isn’t preventing the dinosaur apocalypse. Hedge funds, investments, and any salary over 100 grand have something in common: they require a dinosaur free future in order to be spent.
That means an end to governmentally privileged religions. You can believe whatever hooey you want, but you still have to pay taxes so dinosaurs won’t consume humanity.
Finally, that means a strong pro-environmental stance. The best thing going for our world right now is our quickly disappearing ice age. However, the new left capitalists are doing their damnedest to heat up this planet as fast as they possibly can and frack up as much land as they can buy. You know who likes high global temperatures and shifting continental plates? FUCKING DINOSAURS. Big Business is basically terraforming the planet for dinosaurs.
Hopefully, this clears up what we will be looking for in the 2015/2016 elections. Any comments or questions on our stances can be left in the comments below, I will answer them in an update.
With the sad passing of Leonard Nimoy, I thought I might collect and share some weird literary history. See, this here happened back before Star Trek experienced its recent resurgence in popularity, before Neil Gaiman was openly recognized as the brilliant writer he really isn’t, before geek culture was cool and then cliché and then whiny. These days were known as the 90’s, and aside from Bill Clinton’s NATO bombing of a couple of hospitals in Kosovo (“dual-use” targets), it was a pretty good time.
Back in those days, Leonard Nimoy and Neil Gaiman contributed to Tekno Comix, a comic book publisher that was devoted to Anti-Dinosaur rhetorical exercises. Seriously, 30% of their titles were about how bad it would be if Dinosaurs [fill in the blank]. And that was because Leonard Nimoy, Neil Gaiman and Isaac Asimov were way ahead of their time and knew that some day we would have to deal with political questions of Dinosaur Readiness as a society. (Neil Gaiman promptly stopped being ahead of his time after the 90’s, but whatever.) The two titles best titles were Nimoy’s PriMortals and Gaiman’s Teknophage.
Yes, I had these as a child. Yes, they probably contributed to my dinosaur hating world view. Thank god, right?
PriMortals was Nimoy’s concept. So you got these aliens, right? And they make first contact with humanity, and the lead alien is like–
“Listen, we actually run around granting sentience to randos every now and again. Sometimes we invent people, sometimes we fuck up real bad. You guys seem… eh, but remember how I was saying we fuck up sometimes? Yeah, dinosaurs.”
So you have this giant superpowered dinosaur with genius intelligence running around breaking chains on all the comics covers while humanity is still trying to figure out wtf just happened.
Nimoy allegedly talked through the premise with Asimov, which sort of blows my mind. I mean, if Roddenberry had still been alive, he would have recorded that chat and made Loulie Jean Norman sing the remix. How awesome would that have been? It would have been like–
Nimoy: “The aliens have experimented on dinosaurs in visits previous. Now one of the dinosaurs is upset about that. Its emotions are… mad.”
Asimov: “Oh! Make it a moral conundrum! Oh man! Make it SO CHALLENGING ETHICALLY!”
Nimoy: “And then that would be challenging ethically for the humans. Their emotions would be… sad… happy… mad.”
Asimov: “WHAT COULD YOU EVEN ETHICALLY THINK WITH IMMORTAL INTELLIGENCE?!?!?!?!”
Nomoy: “The alien’s facial structure would be angular.”
Norman: “wooooOOOOOOOO AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHH!”
Yes. That would have been how it would have happened. Anyhoo. The moral of the story was that you probably shouldn’t give infinite intelligence to dinosaurs. I took this lesson to heart.
Neil Gaiman’s Teknophage… you’re going to think I’m making this up. First, because it sounds exactly like Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement propaganda. Secondly, because you will have a hard time imagining Neil Gaiman writing something other than goth nostalgia. Teknophage was about a Tyrannosaurus who is literally the capitalist plutocratic overlord of a planet. He is a businessman Tyrannosaurus. He rules with teeth and the almighty dollar. Look, he even wears a little suit.
When someone pissed him off, Henry (the dinosaur businessman is named Henry) would swallow them whole and partially digest them for a few hours. Then he would spit them back up and they’d be all gooey and acid burned. It was totally metal.
Somehow this comic company didn’t particularly succeed; Tekno only lasted about two years. Leonard Nimoy’s characters fared the best, getting a tie-in novel and a bitchin’ interactive CD-ROM. But I know what you’re wondering.
Was there a crossover battle between Nimoy’s alien and Henry?
OF COURSE THERE WAS.
God save you, 1996. Anyone who can send me a scan of the inside of PriMortals #15, I will post the battle on here.
Thanks for reading. If you enjoyed today’s entry, subscribe or whatever. Also, you can send me a letter. I am a little backed up right now but I do read all the mail I get. Do you need a pint glass? How come no one else remembers the Kosovo missions? The hospital bombing was on friggin’ TV and everything.
The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement officially approves of this poem. Make sure you read the whole thing at The Poetry Foundation.
Let’s make a movie called Dinosaurs in the Hood.Jurassic Park meets Friday meets The Pursuit of Happyness.There should be a scene where a little black boy is playingwith a toy dinosaur on the bus, then looks out the window& sees the T. Rex, because there has to be a T. Rex.– Danez Smith, “Dinosaurs in the Hood”
Howdy. Calling your attention to an excellent Darren Naish article in Scientific American.
Let it be noted that this is how one throws shade in the scientific community. This is the exact way, letter for letter. Enjoy.