Conservative Dinosaur Readiness is a complex, multifaceted collection of beliefs and totally realistic, temperate fears. Our movement is also severely underrepresented in mainstream politics. So how does one vote in the present political landscape in order to best assert (what I am now calling) DinoCon values?
I was recently confronted with the abysmal farce of a movement known as ‘PaleoConservativism.’ I recognized that, in addition to our under-representation, we also have to deal with confusion between our movements. PaleoCons would suggest that they are the Classic Coke of conservatism. But it shares more with that syrupy abomination, New Coke. Founded in the 80’s, with saccharine ideals like ‘civil society’ (read: 7th Heaven family values) and Old Right Pat Buchanan comb-over philosophies, it too should be wary of its associations with Bill Cosby. PaleoCons are about as Paleo as the diet, they are fake, based more on The Flintstones than sound observational thinking about the past. In plainer English, fuck them, I wanted to nickname our movement “PaleoCons” but they took the name and fucked it all up. *hrumph*
So now, we are the DinoCons. We are the grassroots cultural resistance force seeking to prevent the seemingly imminent dinosaur resurrection event through concise political rhetoric and clear thinking. We know that in order to survive, humanity must shore up the dam against the dinosaur tides while preparing for their eventual collapse.
How do you prepare for an enemy that hides in prehistory? How do you predict the ways it will seek to emerge? You have to understand science. The feralization of selectively bred poultry? The re-evolution of Tyrannosaur phenotypes? Our questions and hunches don’t just need to be asked, they need to be the top priority for our leaders. That’s why DinoCons take the stance that science is good. Therefore, the enemies of science are bad. Let it be known that no politician will ever receive the backing of The Conservative Dinosaur Readiness Movement without a Bachelor’s in Science from an accredited university. Want our votes? Go get the degree. By the time you’re done, maybe you’ll also learn a thing or two about student debt.
Dinosaurs come from a time in our Earth’s (yes, OUR EARTH) history when survival was about how many butcher knives you could grow out of your body and how quickly you could insert them into the bodies of other living things. Much like a child raised by religious TapouT enthusiasts, they became violent zealots, drunk on death. Dinosaurs were produced by an environment whose major exports were lava and dunkleosteus. They were the savage tyrants of this world for hundreds of millions of years, and you better believe they would do it all again if they could. Only by a concentrated global political effort will humanity prevent that. We vote for candidates who take strong stances against dinosaur resurrection.
What does that all mean?
That means strict control of the poultry industry, focusing on the elimination of capitalist factory farming. We need to have access to poultry, because it is important to the human diet, but we need to stop being brutal about it (STOP GIVING CHICKENS A REASON TO KILL US) and we need to stop maximizing monetary profit over the security of our food source.
That means better funding of scientific research and public science education. Where will the money come from? Literally anything else, but particularly administrator savings and the wealthy. Politicians, government bureaucrats, and corporate officers should be separated from their savings, and that savings should go to science. Why? Because if that money isn’t in the economy, it isn’t preventing the dinosaur apocalypse. Hedge funds, investments, and any salary over 100 grand have something in common: they require a dinosaur free future in order to be spent.
That means an end to governmentally privileged religions. You can believe whatever hooey you want, but you still have to pay taxes so dinosaurs won’t consume humanity.
Finally, that means a strong pro-environmental stance. The best thing going for our world right now is our quickly disappearing ice age. However, the new left capitalists are doing their damnedest to heat up this planet as fast as they possibly can and frack up as much land as they can buy. You know who likes high global temperatures and shifting continental plates? FUCKING DINOSAURS. Big Business is basically terraforming the planet for dinosaurs.
Hopefully, this clears up what we will be looking for in the 2015/2016 elections. Any comments or questions on our stances can be left in the comments below, I will answer them in an update.